I nodded.
He leaned over, closer to me. "We could make out. You know, for revenge's sake. I'd make the sacrifice for you."
I shoved him away, laughed. "No. I don't think so."
"All right. Well, the offer still stands, whenever you want to take me up on it."
I shook my head, looked over at him. He was watching me, sapphire eyes that had often rendered me breathless studying my face. "Ever thought about how things could have been if we'd been able to stay together?" he finally asked.
"Yeah. We would have ended up hating each other."
He nodded. "And we would have broken up, and I would have never had to see you again. Clean break."
"Maybe it would have been better that way," I said.
He shook his head. "No. It hurt when I realized what was going on between you and Brennan. That I'd been replaced. But the idea of not having you in my life isn't something that appeals to me in any way. Every other woman I've been with, I was more than happy to show to the door and forget about. What the hell did you do to me?"
"It's my sparkling personality," I said, elbowing him, and he shook his head. "We went through some shit. I'm glad you still want me in your life, because I know I still want you in mine. Even if you're a complete pain in the ass."
We sat in silence for a while. "After he fucked up, he came to me. Did he tell you that?"
I shook my head.
"When he told me what he did, I wanted to kick his ass. And I think he wanted me to kick his ass. But I know him well enough to know he'd never forgive himself. He's going to spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to you. But I know you, too. And you don't trust easy, and he broke it. Didn't he?"
I gave a small nod.
"And I'm even worse than him, because I lied to you about what would happen when you killed Astaroth. I made you hurt someone you loved. You can believe I heard about it from just about everyone once I was back, how I destroyed you, how you were never the same after that."
"Maybe I should just stay away from men. My track record kind of sucks," I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Maybe. Or maybe you should see how strong you are. You can overcome anything, and come back stronger. I know you're fucked up over whatever happened to you in the Nether, on top of everything else. You're going to get through this, with Brennan or without him, because it's what you do."
I didn't answer for a while. Maybe there are some things you can't come back from, I finally thought at him.
"What did they do to you, Molls?"
I met his eyes, shook my head. "I can't. But it did things to me. I blacked out for over an hour today. Drove all over the city, hung out on Belle Isle, according to the imps. And I don't remember any of it."
Nain was watching me, and I could feel worry from him.
"And I have these crazy violent urges. I want to hurt people. I want to see them bleed. Brennan, more than anyone else. And that scares the shit out of me. And do you know what the worst part is?"
"What?" he asked.
I looked at him again. "If I go bad, if I lose my mind, there's not a damn thing any of you can do to stop me. I can't be killed. I'm stronger than all of you. I've killed the unkillable. None of you stands a chance against me if I lose control."
"Are you afraid of that happening? Really?" he asked.
"I don't know. I keep thinking, you know… I'm tired and messed up and my emotional life is a mess. Maybe when things calm down, I'll feel more like myself again. But I've had these moments since I've been back, where I don't feel like myself anymore."
"You're strong, and you're good. You'll fight to protect the people you love, even from yourself, because that's just the way you are. And if it comes down to it, I swear I will do everything in my power to try to keep them all safe from you."
"Burying me or trapping me at the bottom of the river would work," I said softly, sick that I was telling him this. "I'll keep coming back, but I can't grow my power if I keep dying from suffocation. It's the best way to keep everyone safe, if you have to do it. I think that, eventually, I'd just give up and resurrect in a new body, but it would give you a break, anyway."
I felt complete and absolute horror from him. "And you know this shit, how?" he asked.
I met his eyes and he read it there. I opened my mind and showed him just a little of what I'd lived through, and I felt white-hot rage course through him. He growled, stood up and ended up punching the bag to try to release some of his anger. Then he hit it again and it went flying, the chain that was holding it up failing under the onslaught.
"And I'm just supposed to bury you alive if this shit happens?"he growled at me.
"It's not something I'm letting become common knowledge. There are plenty who would love to have me out of the picture."
"I'm not telling any one any fucking thing about it," he growled. "You expect me to do this?"
"If it comes to it. Brennan would never be able to do it. I'm trusting you to kill me. Consider it a compliment, demon."
He was watching me. "Fix this shit before it comes to that."
"That's the plan," I said, standing up and heading for the door. "But I expect you to do what you need to if I fail."
"Molls," he said, and I turned back to him.
"Yeah?"
"That shit about being friends? Just so you know, you can come back to me any time. I think we have a few more good nights left in us."
I rolled my eyes. There was the Nain I knew. And he wasn't kidding. Not really. Emotions did not lie, and his were very, very clear just then.
"Yeah, I'll keep that in mind," I said, shaking my head and turning back toward the door.
"Good," he said quietly behind me. I walked back into the loft without another word, though his rage followed me through, stuck with me. My energy level was higher than it had been in a while. Damn demon, feeding me with his anger, just as he always had.
I made my way back into the loft. Brennan and Levitt had returned from patrol, and Brennan was sitting in one of the chairs in the living room, Sean cradled in his arms. I glanced at him, and, as always, his eyes searched mine. I turned away, started talking to Ada. Stone walked in a few minutes later, started chatting with us in the kitchen. Almost immediately, it was clear that things between my friends weren't the same as they had been.
"Why do you have to butt in every time I'm talking to someone?" Ada asked, irritated. She turned to the sink, started filling a large pot with water for pasta.
"Oh, right. I'm generally not wanted lately. I keep forgetting," Stone grumbled.
"Try to remember it. Everywhere I go, there you are. Suffocating," Ada said, setting the pot on the stove while Stone stood there and glared at her. That in and of itself was weird. Stone always helped her with stuff like that, even if she didn't need it. It was just the way they were. And she'd always let him. There was an understanding between the two of them: Ada could totally take care of herself. But she didn't always have to, and Stone liked doing things for her. I watched them as they kept sniping at each other.
"Yeah. Maybe I'll just stay away. Then you won't have so much to bitch about."
"I wouldn't have so much to bitch about if you’d take a break every once in a while," she said back, then she shook her head. She took a deep breath, put her hand on Stone's arm. "I'm sorry, baby. I don't know what came over me."
He looked down at her, and now he wore the expression I expected to see when he looked at Ada: complete adoration. "Me too. Must be tired. Getting too old. I'm sorry, honey." And then he leaned down and kissed her cheek, gave me an embarrassed grin, and headed upstairs to the room he and Ada shared. I turned to Ada, looked at her questioningly.
She shrugged. "We've all been on each other's nerves worse than usual lately. Too much time together, too much stress, I suppose." Then she smiled a little. "I think I was hoping you being back would solve some of that. Stupid, huh?"
I crossed my arms. "Especially since I bring additional stress with me everywhere I g
o," I said, trying to lighten the mood.
She laughed a little. "Yeah, but we love you. Stop looking so worried. Me and Stone are getting old. Crankier. It's all right. And I think you have enough on your mind right now," she said, dropping her voice, glancing toward Brennan in the living room.
Then she gave my shoulder a pat and headed upstairs as well.
Which left me, Brennan, Sean, and Levitt in the loft.
Ugh. Go upstairs? Leave again? Because there was no way in hell I was going to sit with him just then. Not that I didn't want to. Not that every cell in my body didn’t scream to be near him. But because I didn't know what to say to him, and part of me wanted to kill him.
Literally. Every time I looked at him, the urge to cause real, actual damage to him rose within me. And it was crazy, because as angry as I was, as angry as I'd ever been at him, I still loved him. And I protect the people I love. Even the idea of wanting to hurt one of them, no matter how mad I was, was so crazy it freaked me out.
Shit was too awkward. I glanced at the stove. Ada had left the water boiling, dinner forgotten.
She never did stuff like that.
I shook my head, grabbed two boxes of spaghetti, dumped them into the boiling water. I found two jars of spaghetti sauce in the cabinet. The pasta finished cooking, and I drained it, dumped it back in the empty pot. Then I dumped the two jars of pasta sauce over them, stirred it around.
There, dinner. Cooking is not my strong point.
"You cooked?" Levitt asked, humor radiating from him as he grabbed a plate.
"It probably won't kill you," I said, and he laughed. He piled a mountain of the pasta in a plate, dumped Parmesan cheese on top, then carried it into the dining room. I shook my head. Demons tend to have humongous appetites. It was scary how much they could pack away.
I was just getting ready to sit down and try to eat, thinking maybe it would help the headache a little (and give me something to do while I avoided Brennan, who was wisely staying away from me), when Shanti let herself into the loft. Her eyes scanned everyone, then she spotted me.
"You crazy bitch!" she whooped. And then she was beside me, moving in a blur. Vampire reflexes. I laughed and she threw her arms around me in a bone-crushing hug.
"You gotta stop doing shit like that," Shanti said as she hugged me. "You’re killing me."
I hugged her harder. "Nah. You’re all right. but I’ll try to stop. Really."
She laughed, then released me, stepped back. She wiped her eyes. Blood-tinged vampire tears. "I’m not kidding, Molly. Damn, girl."
"I thought you had to work tonight. Brennan said he thought you had tomorrow night off," I said as Brennan walked into the kitchen carrying Sean and an empty bottle. He glanced at me, greeted Shanti quietly, started rinsing the bottle with hot water.
A look crossed her face. "I did, but the queen let me switch." Then she took my hand and pulled me toward the living room. "Come on, let’s sit."
I let her drag me into the living room, and we both at on the couch. Brennan brought me a cup of coffee, offered Shanti something, and she declined, with a coldness in her voice that I’d never heard before. Brennan went back into the kitchen, then took Sean upstairs. Nain and Heph arrived, sat at the dining room table, talking in low voices.
"So. Enforcer for the queen, huh?" I asked Shanti, and she grinned.
"Yeah. I hunt down assholes."
"Perfect for you,’ I said, taking a sip of coffee, and she nodded.
"I love it. I track down garbage like the vampire that turned me. There are so many out there. Some are just so new they have no control. Those, I take in and the queen has someone work with them. But the serial offenders? I get to end those."
"I hear you’re good at your job," I said.
She nodded. "I am. I learned from the best."
"Brennan," I said, nodding.
She looked up sharply at me. "Fuck Brennan. I learned from you. How to stand up for those who need it. How to fight even when you’re afraid. That’s what I learned."
I stared at her. "Fuck Brennan, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Care to elaborate?"
She took an exasperated breath. "Did you not notice the baby who isn’t yours?"
I tamped down my irritation. I was surprised at how I immediately wanted to defend Brennan, even as I wanted to slap him. "So you’re seriously this pissed off at the guy who helped take you in, trained you, taught you, because he messed around on me?" I asked her quietly. "This isn't your fight."
She stared at me in disbelief. "Why aren’t you more mad?"
"Oh, I’m mad. I’m so pissed I don’t even know what to do with all the rage in me right now. And I’m hurt."
"Right. I mean… you were only gone for three years. It’s not like he waited fifty years and you never came back or something. He couldn’t keep it in his fucking pants after a couple of years?"
"When did you become such a potty-mouth?" I asked her. Didn't want to respond to what she'd said, because it was the same thing I'd asked myself hundreds of times since I'd been back, and then I reminded myself how (relatively) quickly Brennan and I had gotten together after Nain's death. And then I got confused and I hate being confused, so then I stopped thinking about it.
"Well somebody had to take the role once you were gone," she said, still irritated. I sensed for her. Aside from the irritation and anger, there was sadness.
"You’re disappointed in him," I said softly, understanding.
She was quiet for a minute. "Yeah. I saw what you two had and thought, man, that’s what I want someday. And then he comes home one day and says oh, hey, here’s my son." She shook her head. "I expected better, I guess."
Her and me both. I’d never been the type of woman to believe in a knight in shining armor. Maybe I started to see Brennan that way, though. My white knight wasn’t looking so pure anymore. I was supposed to be too old for fairy tales, either way.
We sat together in silence for a while.
"Do you want to go get something to eat? I’m starving," I finally said. Kind of a lie, but I mostly didn't want to sit around in the loft anymore, and chance facing Brennan.
She nodded, and we got up. "Slows?" she asked.
"It's still there, right?"
She nodded, and we left, took the elevator down to the parking garage. We got into my car and drove down Warren, then turned onto Fourteenth Street, heading toward the restaurant.
"So tell me about the queen," I said as I drove.
"I like her. She’s tough, and she’s fair. She doesn’t take any crap, but she isn’t unnecessarily cruel. You’d like her, Molly. I think you two have a lot in common."
"I’m going to have to meet her soon. I’m happy she's here, as long as she’s keeping the vampires in control. If she starts stirring shit… "
"Then I’m out of there. My loyalties are to you and the team first, even if I’m spending most of my time there now. I needed to move out. I wanted to do things on my own, and I’m glad I have."
"You always were independent. You were a lot tougher at seventeen than I was," I told her.
"I find that hard to believe," she said, patting the top of the car door in time to the music. Eminem this time.
I shook my head. "I was a freaking mess at seventeen. Jumping at every shadow. Sleeping with the lights on." No need to mention that I still slept with the lights on. "You had your shit together at that age. You came to me because you knew you needed help."
"But you were finding lost girls when you were seventeen," Shanti said. She'd heard that story before, about how I'd started. Her, Brennan, and Nain were the only ones who knew it all. My mother kind of knew the abbreviated version. It wasn't the kind of story I liked sharing.
"I was. Doesn't mean I had my shit together." We reached the restaurant, and I cruised Michigan Avenue, looking for a parking spot. We ended up parking about a block down and got out of the car. I glanced around, and, sure as the sun rising in the east, two of my imps were crouched
nearby. Best car alarm system on the planet. I nodded at them, and they thumped their chests in response.
I'd have to bring them some ribs.
We started walking toward the restaurant, and I was pushing my sunglasses up again in irritation, when I remembered that I knew how to enchant my appearance. I focused, trying to make my eyes look normal. As in, not glowing white like some freaky alien. When I felt something happen (it's hard to describe. Kind of a tingly, fuzzy feeling in the area you're trying to enchant.) I pulled the sunglasses down a little and nudged Shanti.
"Are they normal?"
She studied me. Then she grinned. "Yep. Cool trick, boss lady."
I snorted, shoved the sunglasses in my coat packet along with my car keys. We walked into the restaurant, snagged a small table for two near the front windows. I'd always liked the feel of Slows. Dark walls, lots of wood. Nice place.
But I liked their macaroni and cheese even more.
We ordered (and I remembered to order a half-slab of ribs to go for my car-watching imps. And then I added an order for Brennan because he loved them. And then I realized what an absolute sap I am.) Then we sat and talked. She filled me in on how things were when I'd first disappeared, the chaos and fighting in the city. Not having power for weeks in some areas. Constant patrolling to stop rioters and troublemakers. The way some supernaturals had taken advantage of the situation.
"Me and Levitt usually patrolled together, the way you wanted us to," she finished, and then I sensed some embarrassment from her.
I watched her, raised my eyebrow.
"I hate that you can sense when something's up," she muttered.
"I know. Sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"
She shrugged. "We were a thing for a little while. We started up about a year and a half after you disappeared. I was already crazy about him. You probably knew I had a crush on him, like, the second I laid eyes on him," she said.
I nodded. "Yeah. I sensed that."
She rolled her eyes. "So we got close, and then we started up. We didn't last long. A couple of months. Our personalities are too different, and he has a very possessive streak that pissed me off."
"I think it's a demon thing. I mean, plenty of people have one. But demons make it into an art form," I said, and she nodded.
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