I packed a duffel bag with the few items of clothing I had in Brennan's room. Before that, they'd been in Nain's room, sharing his dresser drawers.
I was really, really good at making mistakes. Screwing up people's lives. I shook my head.
I sat down on the edge of the bed, t-shirt in my hands. Trying to keep it together. The darkness inside me, smugly satisfied. The emptiness I felt, even though I knew it was for the best. It would have been so easy to lose control, to let whatever it was inside me take over. Maybe I'd feel less.
Of course, then everyone I loved would end up dead.
There was a knock at the door. Eunomia. I told her to come in, and she did, closing the door behind her.
"Stop it, devil girl," she said softly as she sat down next to me.
"Stop what?"
"Second-guessing everything you do. You love who you love. You make the decisions you make for a reason."
"That's the thing, E," I said, shaking my head. "I have no goddamn idea what I'm doing. I'm lost, and I'm going to make all of you lost with me."
"Well, for what it's worth, if I was going to be lost with anyone, I'd want it to be you, my friend," she said. Then she leaned into me, and we rested the sides of our heads together. "You're too hard on yourself. You always have been."
"I'm not hard enough on myself. And I make stupidass decisions."
She sighed. "I don't think you have to leave. You have to understand on some level that the safest place for all of us is wherever you are. Even if your enemies come right at you, you're the only one here who's able to really fight them off. If Strife comes for any of us, you're the only one who stands a chance."
"If Strife comes around, it will be for me. I don't want you guys in the crossfire."
"If Strife comes around, she'll likely try to hurt those you love. Look what she's done already."
"Exactly. I need to find that witch. I need to find Strife. I need to find the rogue demons." And that was just for starters. While I would have liked to believe that my rage and blackouts could be blamed on the miasma in Brennan's son, I knew better. Most of my episodes had occurred when I was nowhere near the baby. And I had a bad feeling about what it could be. If it was what I was starting to suspect, then that was all the more reason the best place for everyone was as far away from me as possible.
"And when do you get to live your life, Mollis?" Eunomia asked gently.
I looked at her. "Maybe I don't get one. Maybe this is what I'm here for. Maybe I need to clean up the messes I made, and then focus on doing what I can to keep everyone safe. Could be I'm not meant to have a family, or anyone else close to me."
"Too late," she whispered, smiling a little. "You've got us, and we all love you. And we just got you back and I have the feeling every one of us would chase you to the end of the Earth, to the Aether, the Nether, and back if you decided to leave us again. You are loved. You're needed."
"Why?" I asked, and felt the tears threatening. "All I bring is chaos. You know it."
She shrugged. "So?"
I stared at her, and she wrapped a thin arm around my shoulders, hugged me. Then Eunomia got up and walked out, closing the door behind herself.
They loved me. All the more reason I was determined to keep them safe.
Okay. Brennan needed me right that moment, because his son was going through something scary. Once I knew Sean was all right, that was it, I told myself. I couldn't just desert him when he was worried over what was happening with his son.
I dropped my bag on Brennan’s bed and walked out of the room. He was still sitting on the step, looking at the floor. He knew I was there; he could feel me just as easily as I could feel him. And he was worried, and confused, and angry. I walked over to him and nudged him a little, and he moved over so I could sit on the step next to him.
I sat, my thigh and hip pressed against his. He reached over and took my hand. I rested my head on his shoulder. We sat like that, silent, until we heard Ada’s bedroom door open, then we both sprang up and watched her carry Sean down the stairs. The baby was sleeping. He looked healthy and whole, but when I sensed for Ada, all I felt was sadness. Disappointment. Frustration. Her hair had escaped its braid, and her face, which normally looked so young and vibrant, was showing its age; she looked haggard, and the wrinkles around her mouth and eyes were more pronounced. She noticed me watching her.
"I'm sorry. Miasmas are not fun to deal with, and this one is…" she shook her head, tears glistening in her eyes. "I couldn't get rid of it. All I could do was layer another spell over it, one that would keep whoever cast it from watching us. But it's still there, and it'll still affect us," she said, and I hugged her. Then Stone came rushing over, and he ushered Ada back to their room and closed the door.
Brennan was looking down at Sean, then he looked up at me. "Now what?"
I took a deep breath. Time to contact someone more powerful. No matter how much I disliked the idea of indebting myself to her. I sent a thought to my imps to find my father and give him a message.
"We wait. I have more help on the way." We went in the living room and sat side-by-side on the couch, Sean still sleeping in Brennan's arms.
A few minutes later, I heard a distinctive "crack" and I looked up to see my father and Persephone standing in the center of the loft.
"Daughter," Hades said in greeting. "Your imps say you have need of us."
I nodded. "You remember Brennan," I said to Hades. "Brennan, this is my stepmother, Persephone."
Persephone was studying Brennan and his son with a knowing look on her face.
"So. The shifter you moved Earth and the heavens to save. And he holds a child that is his and very much not yours," Hades said, glaring at Brennan.
I stood up, walked over to my father. I shook my head a little. "That's my problem, not yours." Then I turned to Persephone. "His son was infested with a spirit miasma. Strong one. Our witch friend tried to remove it and couldn't. We need someone more powerful."
"Wait. You mean you didn't need me?" Hades asked me.
"No. I only needed you to bring her." Then I looked at Persephone again. "Will you help him? Please?"
She nodded, eyes on me. I walked back to Brennan and held my arms out for the baby. He settled Sean into my arms without any hesitation. "He'll be okay," I said softly.
"I trust you."
Sweet words; a knife to the heart. I turned away, carried the baby over to Persephone.
"You will come with me," she said to me. "We need a quiet place." Then she turned to Hades and Brennan. "We'll leave you to discuss whatever it is philanderers discuss."
I rolled my eyes (though I couldn't help admiring her bitchiness when it wasn't directed at me) and headed up toward Brennan's room, and she followed me. Mostly, I focused on not dropping Sean, who was still sleeping. I am totally not a baby person.
We walked into Brennan's room. The bed sheets were still twisted and rumpled. I tried not to think about it. Another thing I was turning my back on: the best sex I could ever hope to have.
I am an idiot.
Persephone was looking around. She closed the door behind us, then she stood and watched me. I set Sean on the bed.
"Well. Go ahead. You've earned a cheap shot or ten," I told my stepmother.
She raised one of her perfect eyebrows, her model-gorgeous face unreadable. "I am above cheap shots, abomination."
I looked away.
"You've forgiven him. This room reeks of sexual energy."
"Oh, Christ," I muttered. "I haven't totally forgiven him, but…" I shrugged.
"You love him."
I looked down at Sean. "It doesn't matter. I can't stay."
We stood in awkward silence for a few seconds. "The witch, the kid's mother, cursed him before she turned him over to Brennan. I'm pretty sure she's a follower of--"
"Eris," Persephone finished, nodding. "Yes. The feel of the curse is very familiar. Not the first I've dealt with." She walked over to the bed, sat down beside wher
e Sean was still sleeping. "You are very good at making the wrong beings mad at you."
"I know."
"You don't expect me to do this for you and get nothing in return, do you?" she asked me.
"I figured that was too much to hope. What do you want?"
"Nothing just now. Just remember that you owe me a favor someday."
"I have the right to turn you down, though, just as you could have with this."
"Fine."
She started running her hands just above Sean's sleeping form. "Yes, this is a strong miasma," she murmured. "She set the curse when he was in the womb, and it finalized at birth. That is very, very potent magic."
"Can you remove it?" I asked her, sitting on the other side of Sean.
She gave me a withering look. "Please. There isn't a mortal witch alive who can place a curse I can't remove. Now be silent. You're mainly here so I can draw off of your obnoxious amount of power if I need to."
I crossed my arms, watched my stepmother as she worked. She ran her hands gently over the baby, closed her eyes as she focused. Her hands seemed to hover for quite a while over Sean's head, then again over his chest. I could feel the power she was drawing, the hairs on the back of my neck rising in response to the energy flowing through the room. She was breathing harder, her brow creased in concentration.
After a while, the energy level decreased, then fell completely. Persephone opened her eyes and looked at me, then at Sean. She pulled her hands back and folded them in her lap.
"He is rid of the curse," she said. "He's very strong. Because of the way she planted the miasma, it was very much part of him. He was kind of fighting me there for a while."
"Thank you, Persephone," I said softly, picking Sean up. She nodded. I was ready to carry Sean out of the room when she put her hand on my arm, held me back gently.
"The only advice I have for you is to remember that whatever he did has nothing to do with you. It's him. His weakness, his moments of idiocy. Don't let it affect the way you see yourself."
I met her eyes, nodded. Then I grinned. "Did we just have a moment?"
She glared at me. "I will deny that to my dying day, abomination." Then she headed out of the room and I followed her down the stairs to where Brennan and Hades were waiting in the dining room. They were sitting at the same end of the table, and Hades was talking in low tones to Brennan when Persephone and I started down the stairs. As soon as they saw us, they both stood up and Brennan raced to my side. I handed Sean to him, and he held him closely, looked him over.
"He is fine. I've removed the curse completely," Persephone told him.
"Thank you so much," Brennan said, bowing to her.
"It was deeply embedded in him. He will sleep for quite a while. When he wakes, he will likely be quite disoriented. He will need plenty of comforting, shifter. It may take a while for him to get used to life without the miasma."
Brennan nodded, thanked Persephone again. I showed my father and his wife out, and Hades gave me a small hug as he walked out. "Call me if you need me, daughter. You are not alone," he murmured, and I nodded. I closed the door behind them and headed back into the living room. Brennan was sitting on the couch, holding Sean. I went and sat next to him, dreading what came next.
"Thank you so much for calling her. I know you're not crazy about each other."
"I'm just happy she was able to help. Poor kid," I said.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, things getting more uncomfortable as more time passed. I knew what I had to do, couldn't make myself stand up and do it.
"I have to leave for patrol in a bit," he said, looking down at Sean.
"No you don’t. I’ll take it tonight," Nain said, walking out of his room.
"Thanks, man. I’ll take one of yours to pay you back."
"Damn right you will," Nain said, heading for the door.
When he was gone, Brennan and I sat for a while in silence. "So, you're really going to do this? You're leaving me," he said.
My stomach twisted. Sadness rolled off of him. "Yes."
"And I can't talk you out of it, because you're stubborn and infuriating that way," he said.
"That's me," I said, trying to keep my voice steady.
"And I'm just supposed to do this now? Live without you? See you around the city and act like you're not the other half of me?"
I didn't trust my voice to answer.
He set Sean down on the sofa next to him, covered him up with a blue afghan. And then he turned back to me, and his gaze bored into mine. "I love you, Molly. You are my heart. You’re everything to me. By your side is the only place I ever want to be. If I beg, and rage, and threaten, would you let me be there? If I try to convince you that the danger of being with you is worth it, would you listen?" I shook my head, tears already spilling over.
"My enemies won't stop trying to get to me. They'll use whatever they can, and there are too many of them now. You know that, better than anyone else. One of these times, they'd kill you. And I can't allow that. The best place for you is away from me." I paused. Time to tell him the whole story, so he'd see how lucky he was to be rid of me. "And there's more. Whatever happened to me in the Nether… I'm not myself. And for whatever reason, you trigger this thing inside me. I can't trust myself around you anymore. It wants to hurt you. It wants you dead. And one of these times, I'm not gonna be able to hold it back."
"God damn it, Molly," he said, a plea in his voice, and I shook my head.
"You know I'm right. Don't make me have to live with your death."
He didn't answer. He was angry. He was hurting the same way I was, and feeling it only made it all the harder for me to breathe. And then he took my face gently in his hands, and he kissed me, softly, gently, and this time, it really was good-bye. He pulled away slowly, his lips lingering on mine as if he couldn't make himself break the contact between us. "I miss you already," he whispered against my lips. "Don't do this. Don't make me live without you again." I didn't answer, and he kissed me again, and I made myself savor it, made myself memorize the sensation of his lips on mine, his warm, strong hands cupping my face. "I don't know how I'm going to do this."
"Me too," I whispered. Then I removed his hands from my face, set them into his lap. I went up to his room and grabbed the bag I’d packed, stepped into my shoes. I walked back down the stairs and out of the loft, and I didn’t turn back to look at him, because if I did, I wouldn't have had the strength to walk out the door.
I managed not to cry until I was in my car. And then I rested my forehead on the steering wheel and bawled, barely able to breathe around the emptiness inside me.
I heard the passenger door open, and glanced up. Bash and Dahael climbed in and closed the door behind them. Bash climbed into the back seat, and Dahael stayed in the passenger seat.
"Sorry, Mistress," she said, sadness in her eyes. "So sorry. Mistress should be able to be happy. He belongs to you."
"I know he does," I said, my voice hoarse from crying. "Sometimes, it’s just not enough. And what we want is not the most important thing. Not right now, anyway."
Chapter Eighteen
When I was able to drive, I pulled out of the garage and drove through the streets to the east side, finally pulling up into my driveway. It was a little after midnight. I got out of the car and unlocked the back door. I’d ask Stone to bring my dogs the next day. I’d spent a little time with them in their yard near the loft, but they needed to be home now. Time to make a clean break.
I went through the house, plugging in appliances, turning on lamps. Nain or Brennan or whoever had done a good job of making sure the power and everything stayed on, so the house was ready when I got back. It needed an airing out, a good dusting, and to be vacuumed, but it was livable.
I wandered up to my old office. All those photos of lost girls, found girls, on the walls, starting to yellow and curl with age and the effects of a few years of humid Detroit summers. I stood and stared at my desk. This had been my life. This ha
d been everything. Simple. I did good, and I kept to myself. I’d been smarter than I’d given myself credit for.
Then I walked to my bedroom, clicked on the overhead light. My bed, the plant stand, the plants long-since dead now. Even succulents can’t live forever without someone around to care for them. I looked at the bed. I’d shared it with Nain, not nearly as often as either of us would have liked. We’d made our marriage bond there, promised each other forever.
Well. Nothing lasts forever, right? Except for me.
I went to work, changed the sheets. The imps stayed out of my way. All of them were there with me now; not just Bash and Dahael, but my entire imp army, which numbered a few dozen, give or take. Some of them were always out on patrol, scouting the city for my lost girls or other problems, while the rest guarded me, alerted me to danger.
I went to the front door, called a small group over to me. "You guys are in charge of watching the loft. Any sign of danger, you let me know immediately."
"Yes Mistress," they said in low voices, then they bowed and thumped their fists to their chests. I watched them head out into the night, then I headed back in and locked the door. Bash and Dahael were still inside. They both looked up at me.
"Find that witch, and my rogue demons," I said. "That's your focus now, okay?"
They both saluted me, grabbed a few more imps, then headed out into the night, through the window. I closed it behind them, leaving it open a crack so they could get back in when they returned.
I climbed into bed in my clothes. And I cried myself to sleep, like some ridiculous cliché, and instead of dreams, I saw blood and death. I killed Brennan over and over again, and when he begged for mercy, I laughed. And I heard a voice, chilling, cold, tell me that this was what was coming.
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