by Lauren Dane
It did something to her to be able to evoke such a response from him. It drove her, pushed her, made her want more.
“I want to be what you see when you close your eyes,” she said without meaning to give voice to her thoughts.
“You are.” Voice ragged, he caressed her shoulders.
She nibbled across his belly, down the ridges of his muscles and then the trail of downy hair that led straight to his cock.
Sighing happily, she licked from balls to the tip and then once and twice more. His fingers kneaded the comforter as he groaned.
Carmella grabbed the base of his cock and angled him to swallow as much as she could. He got even harder each time she sucked and then pulled back. This big, gorgeous, powerful man who she’d just watch pummel someone else could easily turn that on her and he never had. Not even a shadow.
Even when he’d thought the worst of her, he’d never threatened her like that. For someone like Carmella, that meant everything. Watching her mother fall in with one loser after the next had hardened her heart to any hope of a relationship of equals.
And then there’d been Clifton and she figured the only way to survive was to never let herself be vulnerable with anyone again and she’d never turn out like Virgie.
Everything was different now. He changed everything. Whether she wanted it changed or not.
She licked around the crown and just below where she knew he liked it best. He grunted and said her name, letting go of the bedding and grabbing her instead.
“I don’t know why you always stop me,” she said, laughing as he flipped her to her back.
“I don’t always stop you. But I have been doing little but thinking about shoving my cock in you since about eleven this morning. Someday soon we need to talk about the discontinuation of this condom business,” he muttered as he suited up.
“Hush up and fuck me already.”
“On your belly.”
She quickly got into position, not even caring about how eagerly she shoved her ass toward him when he pushed her knee up the mattress to open her up more fully.
He played around her entrance as she attempted to shove herself back on his cock. But he held her in place with his thighs. Being wedged just how he wanted her drove her mad. She wanted more from him.
He played her desire, made her tremble, gasp, groan with satisfaction when he finally thrust into her pussy fully.
“Goddamn. What a fucking fool that piece of shit was to let you go. Good thing I’m not a fool.”
He kissed her back between her shoulder blades as he angled down over her body. She put a hand between her belly and the bed, finding her clit ready.
“Yes, gorgeous. That’s fucking it.”
She worked her clit in time with his thrusts, knowing that as she got closer to climax, he’d feel the changes inside her. Feel her heat up, tighten around him. That friction was so delicious all she really had to do was let him push her body up her finger, grinding and creating a wave of pleasure each time he fucked into her.
“Mine,” he whispered against her skin.
“Yours,” she agreed into the pillow. Not knowing if he heard it or not, not sure if she hoped he had.
He made her lose her head. Did something to the filters she’d kept in place so long to protect herself. Devastated every single defense until all that was left was the heart of her, exposed to him. She only hoped he didn’t use that against her.
She came then, in a deep, nearly painful rolling climax that left her muscles jumping at the end. Carmella loved the way he snarled a curse, the way he tried to resist but he couldn’t because she made him feel so good he had to come.
He sped his thrusts until he pressed in that last time and stayed for long moments until he finally flopped to the side, gasping for breath.
“It doesn’t matter if my fists hurt. I can’t feel anything below my neck anyway,” he mumbled and she kissed whatever part of him that was nearest, which turned out to be his forearm.
“You fought over me. Should I be embarrassed?”
He snorted. “Why? That guy was in desperate need of a beat down. What a disrespectful asshole. Sometimes the only lesson a loser like him gets is underlined with a fist. He’s the one who should be embarrassed. I’m just happy it was me who got to do it.”
He got out of bed to get rid of the condom and do a quick check of the locks. Naked as a jaybird.
Maybe getting his ass kicked would scare Clifton off for good. But Carmella was a realist. Chances were, he’d sniff around to see if Duke was still in the picture, but he’d try to use her again if he thought he could benefit.
“Uh-oh,” he said, returning to her side in bed. She snuggled down, pulling a sheet over them both. “I don’t want you feeling guilty over this, Carmella.”
“Well, I don’t. And that makes me feel guilty. I mean, you’ve seen all this from me. The mother, the father, the ex.” Carmella rolled to bury her face in the pillow, feeling the heat of her blush against the case.
“Do you think I’d hold you responsible for any of that? You have no choice who you’re born to. And you’re certainly not accountable for whatever other people do. I’m not him.”
She moved to her side to face him because she heard the emotion in his tone. “I know you aren’t. I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.”
“Stop apologizing!” he said, frustrated.
Which sort of pissed her off. “Hey, I can apologize when I do something that needs an apology for. I’m fucked up but I’m not four years old.”
He raised one brow at her. “I don’t want you treating me like these leeches who screw you over. I’m not down with that. You don’t have to say you’re sorry for having feelings. Even if I don’t think those feelings are appropriate. Now I’m sorry for making you feel that way. But I don’t want you treating me like them.”
“What have I done to make you feel that?”
“Why do you care? That’s not a flip question, I’m serious. Why does it matter to you if my feelings got hurt?” he asked.
“I care about you.” She linked her fingers with his.
“You look like you’re fighting not to run out of the room.”
“I am.” Her smile wasn’t amused, though. “I’m not open like this. It’s uncomfortable sometimes.” She sat up, crisscross applesauce-style, and he sighed, putting a sheet over her before sitting across from her and doing the same.
“If I see you all pretty and sexy, it’s hard enough to concentrate, but with all my favorite, secret spots on display, I can’t focus at all.” He took her hand back. “Now, you were saying?”
“Like this thing right now. The way you respond just how I need you to. It’s … I don’t know what to do with it.”
He cocked his head as he thought.
Of course, now it was Carmella all caught up in his beauty. She’d just had her mouth all over him. That man had been inside her and not just in the physical sense. He went out of his way to make her life easier. Better.
“I think you should accept it as your due. Sometimes when we click like that—when you do the exact thing I needed, even if I didn’t know I needed it until right then—I take it as a reminder that I am one lucky dude. It’s cool for you to let go of that fear that I’ll shred you the way they do. You deserve to be adored. To be treated like a queen. Got me? Because you are a queen. Strong. Fierce. Beautiful. You are a fucking survivor, Carmella. Like a phoenix.”
Tears filled her gaze until she wiped them away with the back of her hand.
“See? I don’t want you crying when I tell you what you are to me. I want you to say, fuck yeah I am!”
“Fuck yeah I am.”
He nodded. “Not bad. Keep working in it.”
“They’re not sad tears. You say these things to me and they’re different because you’re different. I’m crying because I know that. And that’s terrifying and wonderful. And I really just don’t know how to do this so I’m messing up.”
He leaned in t
o kiss over each eyelid. “Now you’re making me all choked up. You’re a gift.”
Carmella sighed, deciding to let hope win over fear. “When I grew up, I was ashamed pretty much all the time. My mom was, well, she wasn’t like anyone else’s mom, that’s for sure. I had my aunt and uncle and my grandmother, and I’m so glad because they were a stable thing in an unstable world. But I kept a lot of secrets because if the school or my family knew how bad my mom got sometimes, they’d have taken me away. And she wouldn’t have had anyone.”
“I’m out of fucks to give for your mother. Kids shouldn’t raise parents.”
“Of course they shouldn’t. But for heaven’s sake, Duke, when you were in Iraq, weren’t you faced at least a few times with the least horrible of a bunch of horrible choices? You’ve never done something for love that you wish you didn’t have to? Never?”
He closed his eyes as pain crossed over his face. It was gone when he opened them to look at her once more. “Fair enough. But I still hate it on your behalf.”
“Do you want to tell me about it? Whatever you were thinking just now?” she asked.
“We’re talking about something else right now. You were saying that you kept your mom’s secrets.”
Since he’d let her avoid the subject more than once, she let him do the same. For the time being. He had a preference toward being the one people came to for help instead of asking for it himself. It was one of the things she loved about him. He was a man she’d grown to count on.
“I don’t know how to be good at this relationship thing. Pretty much since day one I’ve broken my rules for you. And … sometimes I’m worried you’re going to look at what I come with and realize it’s not worth it—the fights in parking lots and interactions with all types of law enforcement. I’m shitty at being someone’s anything.”
He shook his head. “You’re not my anything. You’re my everything. Honey, I’m fights in parking lots. Just so we’re clear on this. I’m barely respectable.”
“Bullshit. You’re incredibly honorable.”
He grinned. “Thank you. But that’s not the same as respectable. But you look at me and you see the honorable. That’s why I love you.”
Carmella’s heart stuttered as she tried not to burst into tears or react in a way that would freak him out.
“I didn’t mean to say that yet. Cat’s out of the bag. I didn’t say it so you would feel compelled to respond. I said it because I want you to understand the Carmella I see is the one I’m looking at right now. I will slay your fucking dragons. I will have your back when you need to be the one slaying. I’m all in. You dig?”
It was the you dig at the end that did it. She nodded. “I’ve been pressing my nose against the window just to look at you on the other side a long time.”
“That’s a winner of a compliment.”
She smiled at him for a moment.
“I don’t need your shame. All I want is everything but your shame and guilt. I want it all when you want to give it.”
Carmella blew out a breath. “No big deal, then.”
“You can wrangle a shop full of meatheads on a daily basis. You got this.”
“Ha. That’s a work in progress. And Duke? You don’t get to tell me when I can be sorry.”
“You’re one hundred percent right.”
“Okay. I’m suddenly exhausted. I need to get up early tomorrow,” Carmella said around a yawn. “Being someone’s girlfriend is really tiring.”
He snickered. “I like to keep you on your toes. But why get up so early? We don’t have to be at breakfast until ten thirty. If we shower together, which is the green way to do it, we don’t have to wake up until nine thirty. Don’t tell me you’re going to work.”
“I need to drop off medication and some groceries at my mom’s house. I’ll run over there first thing and get back in time for that shower and then breakfast.”
“We’ll go on the way to breakfast.”
“No, really. It’s cool. I’ll handle it.”
“Carmella, didn’t I just say I didn’t want your shame? I won’t even go in if you don’t want me to. I would like to meet them both at some point, though. Maybe if they know you’ve got people around you who aren’t going to let you get taken advantage of, they’ll ease back.”
“That sounds like an awesome Sunday morning. I’ll devote a whole scrapbook to it.”
Laughing, he pulled her into a hug and she turned in his arms, scooting back into his body.
“I just get worried for you. And I know how much you do for your mother, so naturally I’m curious and want to meet her. I want them both to know I’m around. And if I meet them, I can make my own judgments. I want to try to understand.”
“Stop being so perfect.”
“You’re so fucking adorable when you’re grumpy.”
“Good night, Duke.”
“Are we getting up at eight? If we stop off on the way to breakfast, how long do you usually spend there?”
“This is messing with my calm,” she mumbled.
“It’s my gift. Answer me and then we can go to sleep.”
“Fine. We can go on the way. I’ll bring her out to meet you if she’s in an okay state of mind. I haven’t seen him yet, so if he’s there, I’ll play it by ear. We don’t have to get up until nine. Now hush and let me sleep or I really will get grumpy.”
CHAPTER
Twenty-three
Duke parked at the curb, turning the car off. Carmella turned to him. “I’ll be back shortly.”
“I’m here whenever and however you need me.” He kissed her when she leaned his way and then got out.
He watched her walk up the steps, and before she could use a key, the door opened. Duke tensed, his hand on the door as Carmella jumped, but it appeared to be from surprise.
But she didn’t go in and she took a step backward. That’s what had him getting out of the car. She turned to look in his direction and that’s when a man came out onto the porch.
“Everything all right?” Duke called out.
“What’s it to you?” the man replied.
Duke’s ground-eating stride had him up to the porch in a few breaths.
Carmella closed her eyes and rage fired Duke’s blood. Again these fuckers made her feel bad.
“I’m Duke Bradshaw. Carmella’s boyfriend.” He held out his hand, keeping eye contact and seeing the monster of addiction in the shadows in his gaze. There was a nervous sort of animosity coming from him that made Duke wary.
“I’m Carmella’s daddy, Steven.” He looked Duke over, sizing him up. Duke let him, wanting the old man to know what he was up against should he try to harm Carmella.
“This is Steven Hay. I was just going to leave once I came in to drop Mom’s stuff off.” Carmella’s hand gesture when she introduced them gave Steven the chance to weasel out of a handshake and shove his hands in his pockets.
“As I said, you can give it all to me and I’ll be sure she gets it. We sure appreciate the food you bring over. You’re a great cook. Better than your mom even.” Steven’s smile was calculating as he turned it to Duke. “I didn’t know Carmella had a man friend. She doesn’t tell us much. I suppose that’s how it is when they grow up and move away.”
Carmella made a half-strangled sound.
“Where is she?” Carmella moved to the side to go in, but Steven put a hand up to bar her entrance.
“She’s resting. You and she have been fighting and she’s tired. She doesn’t want to see you.”
“I’ll go ahead and verify that for myself. Anyway, I don’t have to be her friend to drop this off. Move your arm.” Carmella was like one of those terriers who hunted stuff. She was all fluffed up and ready to rumble. She hated this man in a way she didn’t extend to her mother or that ex-husband of hers.
“She doesn’t want to see you,” Steven repeated. “This is her house, Carmella. Respect that.”
“Actually, it’s my house. She nearly lost it two years ago. We made an ag
reement. I pay the mortgage. She gets to live here rent-free. You’re not part of that equation. I was hoping you’d pay her rent, but obviously that’s not going to happen. But I can, and I will come in my own house and I’ll do it now. You can move your arm or you can do it when the police take you back to jail.” She shrugged.
“I’m going to have to insist you move out of the way, Mr. Hay,” Duke said.
He dropped his arm and Carmella rushed inside. Clearly she was worried about her mother, so Duke left Steven in their wake and followed quickly.
“It’s not what you think!” Steven yelled as he slammed the door and followed them in.
Carmella stood outside a bedroom door and knocked. A dog barked on the other side. “Mom, I know you’re here. Come out.”
“I don’t want to see you. We’ll talk next week. Leave the pills and the food and go.”
Sighing, Carmella looked over her shoulder to Duke. “Scrapbook memory time.” She pulled a pin from her hair and unbent it, using that to poke through the hole in the doorknob.
The lock popped and Carmella marched inside and then skidded to a halt. And when she reached out to open the blinds and light flooded into the room, Duke understood why she’d halted.
“Duke”—Carmella’s voice shook but she held it together—“can you please take the dog? She’s nasty, but probably hungry. There’s some ham in the bag I brought. Give her some, okay? Water too.”
Duke found a clean-ish towel and he picked the snarly little creature up. Pity filled him as he could see how hungry it was once he gave it some ham. He didn’t take his attention off the bedroom doorway, or from Steven Hay, who stood not too far away, wringing his hands.
“It’s not what you think,” Steven said.
“That so? What is it then?”
“I was inside a few years. I just got a little carried away. We drank too much. You know how it is.”
“What I think is that you beat up that woman in there. And now you’re sticking around because you’re trying to figure out how to manage Carmella into shutting up so you don’t have to go back inside.”
Virgie yelled out as Carmella reached the doorway. “You’re making him stressed out. We just needed to chill a little. I fell, that’s all.”