Tired Of Surviving
Page 11
“Logan?” I asked and I felt him sit on the bed beside me.
“Yeah,” he answered. “Drink this water before you sleep, okay?”
“Don’t go,” I whispered, feeling the material of his shirt in my fisted hand. “Stay.”
“I’m not going,” he whispered back before slowly moving me to the center of the bed so he could lie down next to me.
I felt him stroke my hair and a strange feeling swept through me, swelling in my stomach. I turned onto my side and wrapped my arm around him, placing my head over his chest. He was warm and it felt comforting to having someone to hold onto while I slept.
“Logan,” I whispered, snuggling closer.
I pursed my lips, feeling his skin against my lips.
“Chey, what’re you doing?” he asked, shifting.
I kissed his skin again, feeling him stiffen underneath me. I had obviously found a weak spot. I kissed his neck repeatedly, my head spinning but my body filling with warmth. But honestly, I wasn’t sure what I was doing.
“Shit,” I heard him whisper before he turned around to face me in bed. “Chey-”
I pressed my lips to the side of his mouth, missing his lips by an inch. The butterflies were back and in full power when he slipped his arm around my waist, the over-sized t-shirt Laura had put on me riding up as he pulled me closer. I slipped my hand under his shirt, feeling his warm, smooth skin against my fingers. I ran my hand up and down his back, settling on his shoulder blades.
“You might not even remember this in the morning,” he warned me. “Are you sur-”
I pressed my lips against his, shutting him up. I pressed harder against him, slipping a leg between his and entangling them together. He parted his lips slightly and I took it as approval, slipping my tongue over his lower lip. He moaned softly against my mine, pulling me closer until our bodies were molded together. He nibbled on my lower lip and I ran my tongue over his teeth before he opened his mouth, allowing my tongue to explore. When his tongue touched mine, I felt a burst of warmth spread through my body, settling below my stomach as my world tilted.
When we pulled apart, we were both breathing hard and I felt slightly sober. Well, sober enough to know what I was doing which was unbuttoning his shirt until it hung open, revealing his flat stomach and rock-hard chest. I ran my hand over his chest before meeting the intensity in his eyes.
“Chey-”
“You’ve been waiting for this forever?” I guessed and he chucked, revealing his dimple which I pressed my lips against. “I’ve wanted to do that since I saw your adorable dimple.”
“Well, if I knew that was a turn on for you, I would have never stopped smiling,” he teased, pulling me close so I could hug him, my face against his warm chest. “Can I call you my girlfriend now? In private, of course, until you’re ready-”
“But Susan-”
“We won’t tell anyone," he cut me off. “But you’re mine now, okay?”
He leaned in and kissed my forehead, making my face heat up even further. I snuggled closer, pressing my lips against the soft spot under his ear. He moaned softly and I kissed the spot again, until he moved away, pressing his lips against mine.
“Okay, I think I’m going to wash up,” he told me, slipping out of bed. “I’ll be back, okay?”
I nodded, draining the rest of the water he had kept for me and praying that I wasn’t going to suffer with a hangover the next day. I mean, I had to go home and deal with the wrath that Susan had probably been bottling up since I had gone.
I was going to wait for Logan to come back to bed but eventually, I fell asleep.
The house was dark and cold and it seemed like no one was at home. A little girl and a little boy ran through the house, giggling and laughing while being careful not to bang into anything or drop anything.
“Let’s go play outside!” the little boy suggested, pushing the door to the backyard open.
The little girl followed behind, stopping when she heard the sound of the front door open. She quickly looked at the boy waiting for her outside but she could hear the footsteps draw closer.
“Quick, you need to go,” she told the boy. “Run away.”
“Why?” the boy asked, confused until he heard the footsteps, too. “I don’t want to leave you.”
“You have to go!” she yelled, shoving him hard enough to make him stumble backward. “Don’t tell anyone, just run.”
She watched as the little boy ran through the small gate in the backyard, turning around in time to see the little girl get caught by the collar. With a little gasp, he ran out of view.
“Who was here?” the older woman hissed.
“No one,” the little girl choked out, grabbing at her neck, trying to stop the fabric from choking her.
“Don’t lie to me, you little brat,” the woman seethed. “I think it’s time you learned not to lie to me.”
She dragged the little girl into the house, shoving her hard enough to make her fall over, hitting her head against the coat room door. The little girl let out a cry but no one was there to hear her. She touched her head gingerly, seeing the color red paint her fingers and drip down her forehead.
“When will you learn your lesson?” the older woman asked, her voice filled with venom.
“But I-I didn’t d-do anything wrong,” the little girl cried.
“Your existence is wrong,” the older woman spat, grabbing her by the collar.
She lifted the girl up off the ground, opened the door and shoved her into the cold and dark coat room, shutting the door.
“Let me out!” the little girl screamed. “Let me out!”
The crying never stopped but no one came to let her out of that cold and dark place.
Chapter 16
“Chey! Chey!”
“Shhh, shhh, it’s okay. I’m right here. I’m right here. You’re okay.”
I opened my eyes, sitting up in bed with a start. The room was dark, the only light coming from the opened door where my friends stood, watching me with worried expressions. I had my heart in my throat, my stomach in knots and I felt like throwing up.
“Cheyenne.” Logan pulled me into his arms, his skin warm against mine and water from his washed hair dripping onto the t-shirt I was wearing. “You’re okay.”
When he pulled away, he carefully wiped my cheeks, making me realize that I had been crying. He handed me a glass of water and I gulped it down, the cool water soothing my raw throat.
“Babe, you okay?” Laura stepped into the room and sat on the edge of the bed.
She stroked my hair back and out of my face before taking my hand in hers. She gently ran her thumb over my hand over and over again until my breathing evened out.
“It was just a nightmare,” she told me. “You’re safe, okay? We’re in Logan’s house.”
I nodded, my mind registering my surroundings and the faces of my worried friends. I forced a smile for their sakes and said that I was fine and that they should go back to sleep.
“Dayle, go back to bed and I’ll be there in ten,” she told him. “You guys, too, we’ll talk in the morning,” she told Marika and Ava and they sauntered away, still half asleep.
“You should get back to bed, too,” I told Laura, feeling the rawness in my throat.
“Chey, I’m worried about you,” she whispered, stealing my attention from an almost naked Logan.
He had obviously still been in the shower when he had heard me screaming and ran out. His hair was dripping wet and he looked like he had a lot to say, despite his lack of clothing.
“I’m fine, I swear,” I lied.
“You haven’t slept in days, Chey.” She sounded exasperated. “Every night you wake up screaming and then you can’t sleep again-”
“It’s not that I can’t,” I said slowly. “I choose not to. I’m too scared to close my eyes again.”
“Please talk to us about it,” she pleaded. “Maybe you’ll feel better. Chey, I can’t keep watching my best friend live in this n
ightmare, waking up screaming every night and look at your neck-”
I ran my hand over my neck, feeling a little upraised skin, probably from scratching my neck - which I had been doing every night. Because in every nightmare I had, Susan had been choking me somehow. While I replayed the nightmare in my head, I zoned out only coming back to reality when I remembered the third person in my nightmare. Me, Susan and a little boy.
“Laur, that little boy was in my nightmare again,” I said slowly, my head swimming.
“Again?” she asked, sounding confused because the last time I had told her about it, we decided that maybe my mind was playing tricks on me.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “He’s always there-”
“Any chance you had brother?” Laura asked and my eyes met hers. “Sorry, that was a stupid assumption.”
“Chey,” Logan whispered and both Laura and I turned to look at him.
He slowly slipped his hand over mine and squeezed. I felt my heart drop to my stomach from the look he was giving me. Was something wrong? He had said something about my nightmares before but he had never finished what he was saying.
“So I’ve been meaning to tell you this ever since you said something about another person being there in your nightmares,” he said slowly.
“What is it?” I asked at the same time Laura said, “Spill it.”
“I was there,” he said, his voice barely a whisper. “That little boy was me. Not some missing brother of yours. It was me.”
I felt my stomach squeeze into multiple knots and bile rise up my throat. My head felt light and my heart felt heavy and I felt my body convulse. Before he could say anything else, I covered my mouth and ran into his bathroom, dry-heaving until my stomach finally gave out and I puked everything into the toilet.
“Oh my God, Chey.” Laura dropped to the wet bathroom floor beside me. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
She rubbed my back until I had practically thrown up everything I had eaten and drunk earlier into toilet. Then she flushed and helped me to my feet so I could rinse my mouth. While I did, she went outside and got a spare toothbrush from Logan and came back. She stayed with me while I brushed my teeth and then took me back to the bedroom.
She made me sit up and lean against the headboard before pulling the comforter over my legs. Logan appeared in the doorway, fully clothed and with a steaming cup in his hand.
“I got you some chamomile tea,” he explained. “It’ll make you feel better.”
He placed the cup on the bedside table, next to the empty glass of water and took a seat next to me. Guilt was etched onto the features of his face and he couldn’t stop fiddling with his hands in his lap.
“Why didn’t you say something sooner?” I found myself asking, my stomach churning uncomfortably.
“Remember the night we spoke down at the lake?” he asked and I nodded, my head spinning. “I brought it up – Susan’s abuse – you asked me how I knew about it. I knew because I was there but you said you didn’t remember your childhood and I didn’t want to remind you.”
“But then I started having those nightmares, Logan,” I reminded him. “And I told you about them and I told you when I realized that they were memories, not just dreams. You could have told me then.”
“I felt guilty,” he whispered. “I felt guilty that I had been there but never did anything to stop it.”
“Logan.” I shook my head.
I felt my heart swell for him. He blamed himself? He felt guilty all this time because he hadn’t been able to do anything to help me? I may have been living in hell – one that Susan had built for me but he had been living in a hell of his own guilt.
“I never forgot what she had done to you but you had asked me never to speak of it,” he continued. “You always told me to run away and I did. Then I had to move away but I never forgot and Chey, it played in my mind every single day. I couldn’t forget and I couldn’t stop thinking about you and whether you were okay. Then when I came back, everyone knew who you were and everyone spoke such good things about you,” he stopped and looked at me, squeezing my hand. “And then I saw you and I was awestruck. You’d grown up so beautiful and you had changed. You acted different and I thought that maybe you weren’t that scared little girl anymore, maybe things had changed.”
“Logan, you were just a child, too,” I pointed out. “There’s nothing you could have done for me.”
“You’re wrong.” He shook his head, still beating himself up about it. “I could have told someone back then and then maybe you’d be okay today. Cody wouldn’t be in the picture and you wouldn’t have to worry about asking someone for help because you wouldn’t have to worry about another child losing his parents.”
“You were just a kid.” I squeezed his hand back, feeling extremely horrible that he had been living with this guilt for so long. “You were scared, too. I begged you not to tell anyone so you didn’t.”
“I’m so sorry,” his voice cracked and my eyes widened. “I’m sorry-”
I pulled him into a hug, clutching fistfuls of his pullover while he tangled one hand through my hair. I heard a sniffle and I felt my heart break into a million pieces. He was crying. I felt tears burn my vision and stream down my face.
“Are you guys crying?” Laura asked, her voice cracking on her last word. “I hate you both. Now I’m crying.”
I pulled away from him and cupped his cheek, wiping his tears away with my thumb. I looked him in the eye, willing him to stop blaming himself.
“Look at me,” I told him, making his eyes flicker to mine. “It wasn’t your fault. It isn’t your fault.”
“Can you forgive me?” he asked softly. “I’ll never hide anything from you again.”
I gave him a small smile, nodding and he closed his eyes, letting the last of his tears flow down his cheeks. I knew Laura was still in the room but I couldn’t help myself. I pressed my lips against his softly and he kissed me back, only pulling away when Laura let out a low whistle.
“Did you guys forget I was in the room or-” Laura joked and I pulled away from Logan enough to swat her arm.
“I can’t even count the amount of times you’ve made out with guys in front of me, okay?” I shot back and she laughed.
“So are you guys like together now?” she asked, her eyes shining.
“You can’t tell anyone!” I exclaimed. “Not even Dayle.”
“You can’t hide it forever.” She shook her head. “And what about Ava and Marika?”
“I’ll tell them but you can’t tell anyone else, okay?” I begged. “You know Dayle has a big mouth and if he opens it, the whole school will know and then Susan will find out.”
“I’ll keep your dirty little secret, Chey,” Laura joked. “It’s just hard to hide these kinds of things.”
“Just until I can leave for college.” I sighed. “Then I don’t care if the whole world finds out because Susan can’t touch me when I’m gone.”
“She shouldn’t even touch you now,” Laura blurted out. “Sorry but it’s true. And where is Logan applying to college anyway?”
“My parents will make me apply for early admission.” He let out a short laugh. “My dad wants me to go to Harvard since it’s his alma mater.”
“You’re applying to Harvard?” Laura’s eyes bulged out. “When do you think you’ll apply?”
I felt like something was squeezing the air out of my lungs. We hadn’t had this discussion about colleges before. In fact, Laura didn’t even know that I was about to apply for early admissions as well. We had spoken about me wanting to study creative writing but she wasn’t even sure what she wanted to study. Marika had been dead set on the dance program in Northwestern since before we had even befriended her. But I had never asked Logan.
“Soon,” he answered. “I don’t think my parents will let me settle for less.”
“I’m applying for creative writing,” I spoke up. “Columbia University, Brown University, Johns Hopkins University, Northw
estern. They all have good programs.”
“And she’ll probably get through all of them with her perfect CGPA and will probably get full scholarship,” Laura sounded proud.
“That’s the plan.” I smirked. “Then I don’t have to have anything to do with Susan or my dad ever again.”
“Well, I’ve applied for a cheerleading scholarship since I’ll never get a scholarship based on my grades.” Laura shrugged. “I’m not sure what I want to major in yet either but I want to go far away. I want to be independent.”
“Well, I wish I could apply to places close to yours.” Logan smiled and I stared at him, taken aback.
“It would be nice if we were in the same city,” I added and his expression softened.
He leaned in and cupped my cheek, pulling my face to his and placing a sweet, soft kiss on my forehead.
“I’ve been away from you for way too long,” he whispered. “And I can’t even show off that you’re my girlfriend. I have to look forward to something in college, right?”
“Well, that was all sorts of nauseating,” Laura said with a laugh. “But I’m all for it. It’ll be cool if we all end up in the same city. We could all get an apartment together.”
“Where’s Dayle applying?” I asked her and she gave me a withering look.
“Wherever football takes him,” she answered simply. “I don’t know if we’ll last till the end of the year, honestly. And if we do, I don’t think either of us will want to do the whole long distance thing.”
“Way to be positive,” I muttered, wondering what was going to happen to me if Laura herself was being so negative.
“Whatever, let’s discuss this in the morning.” Laura yawned, getting off the bed. “Logan-”
“Hmm?” He looked up from my face to glance at Laura.
“I don’t have to give you the whole ‘if you hurt her, I hurt you,’ threat, right?” she asked, her face completely serious. “Because if you hurt her, I will hurt you.”
“I never intend to hurt her,” Logan assured her. “Goodnight, Laura.”
“Goodnight, love birds.” She waved over her shoulder as she left the room, leaving us alone.