“I was there for Crystal as much as I could be, but I left the difficult jobs to the trained personnel: there are things they do much better than us loved ones.”
“I am not trying to discredit public or private health care. I just want to do whatever I can do myself for my mother.”
“Best of luck,” he commended her.
The rest of the evening was very relaxed. Mr White told her how he had met his wife and shared lots of stories about their life together. He remained pleasant and humble and she was shocked when she noticed that it was already 11pm: her father would be very worried.
She finally took her leave and rushed home to Karim’s flat but her parents were already in bed. She had a look around the kitchen to see if her father had left her a note but there was nothing. Only the remnant smells of something that had burnt. A quick investigation of the bin revealed a clearer picture of her parents’ dinner: several uneaten vegetables, blackened meat and some overcooked pasta. A social worker might be needed to help her father with the housework and cooking, though she had to admit that Walter would probably never allow them in the house.
She’d have to help more, or she might as well push the old couple into a home or assisted living. Of course, she had to live her own life, but since that was so disjointed through the shift work and cut up into very small pieces between flights there was less to show for her life than she had made herself believe. Would she really be giving much up if she moved back home, or would it be a deluded attempt to become a Florence Nightingale overnight? What kind of stuff was she made of, Hanna wondered. She tidied the kitchen and then, at long last, went to bed.
Chapter 23: Wednesday
For the first time in weeks Hanna got some proper sleep. She was woken up by clanking noises from the kitchen and the voice of her father scolding Biddy for one thing or another. The clock showed 8am. As she stretched in bed she felt fully rested: she had forgotten that this was even possible.
Hanna was dying to tell someone about her news, but her father broke her spirit and was not in the least bit excited.
“Until we hear it on the radio I won’t believe it. You should never have met Mr White in the first place. I hope you haven’t messed it all up,” he scolded her with a dramatic tone of doom in his voice.
Hanna was too tired to argue against her father and just sat quietly through breakfast.
“Here,” Biddy said and held out her plate with buttered toast to Walter.
“What do you want me to do with that?” he asked abruptly.
“For you,” she said. “I made that for you.”
“You have it,” he said and left the room.
“Never mind him,” Hanna said to her mother, who seemed a little taken back by her husband’s negativity. Biddy got up and tried to clear the table.
“Not yet,” Hanna said laughing. “Not yet, we are still eating, aren’t we?”
“Oh, silly me,” Biddy said laughing and sat back down.
She ate her toast but then she got up again, restlessly looking for something to do. She took the salt and pepper shakers and put them in the fridge. By the time Hanna had managed to retrieve them, Biddy had put the butter in the glass cabinet, clean plates in the dish washer and dirty ones on the shelves. When Walter returned to the room and saw the chaos he gave Hanna his best ‘I-told-you-so’ look.
He took Biddy to the bathroom and while his wife was brushing her teeth he came back into the kitchen.
“I told you. You had it good so far,” he said. “This is not unusual for her.”
“I know, Dad. I know her condition is fragile and that it might not be long before she can’t read the papers, when she loses bowel control and other basic skills. She won’t recognise anyone and the disorientation can make her aggressive and volatile, or passive and apathetic.”
“Then you know more than me,” Walter said, taking a step back and shaking his head as if to disagree.
“You were just trying to warn me but the same goes for you, too. Just because you can cope with her now that does not guarantee you can do the same tomorrow. I admire your resolve and the love you have for her, but you must face that at some point neither you nor I will be able to take complete care for her.
“Let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?” he said, avoiding her gaze.
“Exactly,” she said sharply.
As soon as her father had left the room again she took her phone and called Henrik and told him about the conversation with Mr White.
“Three job offers in as many days,” Henrik said. “Let me guess: Patrick will make the decision for you.”
“Oh please stop this stupid jealousy of yours. What do you think I should be doing then? Any words of advice?”
“It’s clear cut: take the best paid job with the best long term prospects. Stay with the airline and take their promotional job. It’s a no brainer.”
“I don’t think I will be doing that. I am pretty sure I will leave the airline,” Hanna said.
“Good for you!” she heard her father say from the kitchen door. She had not known that he was listening to her conversation.
“What did you just say?” Hanna asked him in utter disbelief.
“I said: good for you,” Walter repeated with emphasis. “It was always just a matter of time before you would leave the airline and that hectic lifestyle. It was fun and exciting when you were in your twenties, but now in your forties it can’t be healthy.”
She was too stunned to say anything.
“Wasn’t it you who said I should stick with it?”
“I said that maybe ten years ago; the situation is different now.”
“What about your speech on job security?”
“You will always find work, my darling,” Walter said. “Who wouldn’t want to employ you?”
“Wow, this is the first time you have ever said something like this,” she said, more happy than accusingly.
“Really? That can’t be right. I think the world of you. You must know that. If only your mother could back me up right now and tell you that it’s true.” Walter seemed genuinely surprised and sad at his daughter’s remark. “But I have a funeral to go to,” he added. “I won’t be long. Don’t forget that your mother is alone in the bathroom.”
“Did you hear that Henrik?” she asked when her father had left. “All his life he told us not to put personal pleasure and happiness over financial concerns, and now he is happy for me to give up a secure job with a good salary.”
“Maybe he is more desperate for help than he wants to let on. He carries a huge burden.”
“He must do if he can make a U-turn like this,” Hanna laughed. “But I better go check up on Mum.”
Biddy and her daughter spent a lovely and harmonious morning together. The weather was still glorious and the autumn sun still warmed them up nicely when no breeze was blowing. Biddy was not making much sense this morning and once again the newspaper turned out to be a life saver.
When Walter came home, Biddy had already eaten and was snoozing peacefully on the living room sofa.
“I have to dash,” Hanna announced “I am staying with friends tonight. There is some food for you on the stove. I will see you tomorrow.”
“Have fun, Pumpkin!”
Chapter 24: Life Coaching
It took Hanna longer to find Patrick’s retreat than she expected. She had not got round to buying a sat-nav, and Hilary’s directions were probably good but only if you were already familiar with the area. The roads were deserted and there was no one to ask for help and she couldn’t describe exactly where she was. After two phone calls to the useless assistant - made particularly awkward by the bad network coverage of her mobile phone provider – she finally found her way there, and only just before it got dark.
“Patrick is not available yet,” Hilary informed her with her now familiar dopey slow speech, but also sounding slightly apprehensive. The assistant was much younger and slimmer than Hanna had envisaged, mayb
e early twenties, in an alternative looking outfit with orange and purple colouring, but well put together, with a stern librarian type of look. “I am afraid I have a lot to do as well. It is breakthrough week, as we call it here, and we have to be there for our clients.”
“I totally understand. Just tell me where I can wait without being in the way and you are free to go,” Hanna added with a big warm smile.
“Patrick will be some time. I appreciate you have a lot of problems right now but so have all the people on our course.”
“I know. Isn’t my brother a sweetheart, to sacrifice his down time for his sister’s emergency? Tell him I am here but I can wait until he has time,” Hanna said, unable to keep the sarcasm to a minimum.
“Patrick told me to set you up in his room and give you a few of our assessment forms to fill in. Some of these questions sound rather odd and unrelated to your problems but they might provide us with insights. Just bear with us,” Hilary said sour faced. “I have to go now.”
Hanna spent a good two hours answering multiple choice questions about her life, her character traits and her hopes and dreams, wrote down associations, filled in blanks in a story and finally wrote a few paragraphs about her future and how she visualised it. She thought these forms were rather good at bringing her thoughts in order: her brother clearly knew what he was doing. It was not long after she had finished the Herculean task that Patrick knocked on the door and joined her. He looked tired and seemed to have aged considerably since she had last seen him. His fair hair was starting to grey but he had lost some weight and put on muscle, it seemed. He hugged her quickly.
“You’ve been working out,” Hanna said jokingly.
“You have to keep fit when you get older. Your body needs looking after. Did you find the place alright? A lot of people get lost.”
“Of course I got lost,” Hanna said with a grin.
He spotted her forms on the desk and grabbed them swiftly.
“I see you did your homework,” he said, picked them up and flicked through the pages.
“Fantastic, Hanna. Your answers are all very positive. To be completely honest, do you even want or need my help?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet,” Hanna said.
“I guess you don’t have to rush any decision right away. I would hate to tell you what to do. You need to empower yourself, sweetheart.”
“You are right. I will figure that out by myself. Right now I’m just happy to see you. It has been so incredibly long. When is the last time you went to see Dad? You have got to come and see him, Patrick,” Hanna said suddenly. “I know he is a pain in the neck and gives you all that grief, but he won’t be around forever. You two need to sort things out between you. He is currently making an effort with me, maybe you two can…make nice.”
Patrick put her notes down and leaned forward. He stretched his arms in one long movement and then he shook his head slowly.
“You have no idea how much some of these people here need me. It feels rather self-indulgent to go and argue with Dad over his stubborn principles, wouldn’t you agree? He is happy, I am happy. Why fix it if it isn’t broken?”
“Are you sure you are not running away from something?” Hanna asked. “You of all people should know about denial and psychology.”
“I was running away at first, there is no denying that,” he said freely. “It’s just that over time the things I have run towards have become very important parts of my life and have taken priority. When you do the kind of work I do, you see so many real problems and incredible pain. It dwarfs the childish banter between me and Dad. Let him dismiss my choices, I don’t mind any more. I feel privileged to be able to help so many really troubled souls. Dad is one of the people I won’t be able to help. I guess that is your job, if anyone can do it. “
“I hope you know what you are doing. You must have some sort of family needs, too.”
Patrick just smiled and shook his head confidently.
“Are you seeing anyone special at the moment?” she asked him.
“No. I split from an Estonian boxer last month. He is back with his wife, decided to give his heterosexual life one more go.”
“Oh, so sorry to hear that,” Hanna said.
“No, it turns out I had him totally wrong. I don’t think I could have made him happy. The timing is good though. The band is recording a new album in two weeks’ time and we need to do a lot of rehearsing for it, right after this seminar finishes. Then I am doing a seminar in Los Angeles. A publishing company wants me to write a self-help book about my method. If I don’t they claim someone else will.”
“Blimey, Patrick, you are busy. No wonder the boxer left you,” Hanna said.
“I guess so,” he said. “How are Mum and Dad then? How is it working out for you to stay with them?”
“Not as bad as you’d think,” Hanna said with a serious tone. “Mother is in a good place, all things considered, but sometimes she loses it completely.”
“Given that she has had the disease this long, she seems to be doing far better than others,” Patrick said. “I’ve read about it, and statistically she should be much worse than she is.”
“Why bother reading about it if you don’t ever see her?”
“No Hanna, please not that discussion again. You know, I am actually really tired, so why don’t we call it a night.”
“I came all the way to see you and this is all we have time for?” Hanna said angrily.
“Sorry but if I had known you were so relaxed about your future I would have told you not to come. Tomorrow is another big day for some of my clients. Helping people to break through their barriers is what I do now. I need to prioritise to make everyone happy. You don’t need me but these people here, they desperately do.”
Hanna let out a huge sigh but let it go.
“Where am I going to sleep?” she asked.
“Sorry, but you will have to share my room,” Patrick apologised. “The seminar is sold out. We had so much interest that we had to put up some make-shift beds to get as many in as possible. At least then we could lower the fees.”
At 4:30am the alarm went off and Patrick tiptoed out of bed and left the room. Hanna woke up but let him go without disturbing him. He probably had a morning meditation with the group, or he was following some morning ritual. Then she heard engine noise and a car leaving. She fell back asleep and woke when Patrick came back in to the room more than an hour later. He picked up some fresh clothes and went into the en suite bath room for a shower.
“Morning Hanna” He said when he came back out. “Did you sleep well?”
“Were did you go at this hour?”
“Oh, you heard me. Well, not that it is any of your business. I went to meet a guy; a truck driver on his way to deliver local specialities to farm shops. We have these occasional rendezvous, just to get the tension out of my system during the workshop.”
“I know all about that,” Hanna said. “Do you use that infamous mobile phone app to pick up guys?”
“No. What I am doing is already more than enough. I wish I could dedicate less of my thoughts and energy to sex than I already do, but that is not going to happen for me,” he said laughing nervously and embarrassed.
“I am not here to judge. You can call Dad or Henrik for that.”
“Mother wouldn’t like it either.”
“On that subject: I know you think you are protecting mother by not seeing her and stirring up her emotions, but when she saw Henrik the other day she was high as a kite. I am sure it was worth the pain of separation afterwards. Your family needs you and we can’t get that fix from anybody else but you.”
Patrick got dressed as if he had not heard her.
“Anyway,” Hanna said. “Hilary told me not to upset the group dynamics so I think I better go, now that I am up.”
“Hilary is right. Some of the clients may feel second best if they find out I have been devoting time to other people. Part of their break through is to r
e-think that they are not good enough. They need to look back on this retreat as the one time in their life where they matter the most.”
“Please think about what I said, Patrick!”
“I have one more thing to say, too,” Patrick said as she opened the door. “Hanna, remember that you can do whatever you want. The doing is never going to be a problem for you, it is just the decision making.”
Hanna shook her head and closed the door behind her; she realised he had done the same with the family a long time ago.
Chapter 25: Thursday
She found Karim’s flat empty. There was a note on the kitchen table for her from her father, telling her that they had decided to move back home.
She should have expected that. Her father must have hated having to rely on Karim’s charity. Well, there was nothing else for her to do than to pack her bags and leave too. As she gathered her belongings she thanked her lucky stars for having escaped the media limelight.
There was no sign of her parents at the family home either. Maybe they had gone shopping. She plugged the land line back into the socket and erased all messages on the answer phone without listening to a single one of them. On tenderhooks she was waiting to see if it would ring or not. Nothing. Thank God. Upstairs she found her parents’ luggage. It was very unlike her father not to unpack everything right away. Either her father was finally becoming more relaxed or he was losing his rigid touch: either was an interesting development.
Hanna found herself a little lost. The house had not been her home for many years. She grabbed the paper and sat down at the kitchen table, flicking through the pages without much genuine interest. Mr White was on page eight with a little apologetic statement, along with a short comment by the airline’s press office, welcoming his change of heart.
Exhausted from all the drama she went upstairs to her room and took a much needed nap.
Walter, in the meantime, returned from the supermarket with Biddy. He was happy to be back in his own home. However much he pretended to be doing this for his wife, the decision to return had been for his own benefit. Biddy had been remarkably fine with the change. It had been on his mind for some time that with the complicated layout of the house and the stairs, he should consider giving up his family home and move into a smaller place; but the thought of it caused him a great deal of anxiety. He was too old to make such a move, even for Biddy’s benefit. Maybe he should call Henrik and ask for those home improvements to make life easier and safer for Biddy.
Time to Let Go Page 24