by Stacey Ritz
“Am I allowed to tell my friends at school that you’re a mailman? Or is that a secret, too?”
“Go ahead, tell them. But keep the North Pole visit a secret, okay?”
“Okay.” Rainie agreed, turning back to Ronnie and putting a finger over her lips. Ronnie mimicked her older sister and smiled.
“Let’s turn here and head back home.” Dan threw his cigarette in the road and pulled a new one from the back pocket of his jeans.
“But Dad…can I tell Milo you went to the North Pole?” Rainie whispered the words, studying her father. To an outsider, she thought, he must resemble an ordinary dad. But what people didn’t know was that he was really a super hero. He went to the North Pole! He went on secret missions for his job. No wonder he was gone sometimes. Rainie wondered if her mom knew about her dad’s secret missions. Maybe he hadn’t told her about them yet. Maybe if he did, her mom wouldn’t be sad and upset when he disappeared. She knew her mom missed her dad when he was gone, but maybe if she knew he was helping the world, she would be happier. Maybe she wouldn’t be worried about him. “Can I tell Mama, too?”
“Let’s let this be our little secret. Can you do that for me, Rainie?” A cloud of smoke burst free from his mouth.
“I wish I could tell Milo. But okay.” Rainie’s shoulders slumped forward. “Mama worries about you, Dad. You should tell her about the North Pole. Then she might not worry so much.”
“I’ll tell your mama. Not you, okay?”
“Okay.”
The trio continued walking down the neighborhood sidewalks. Dan, puffing on his cigarette, Rainie pulling Ronnie in the red wagon.
“Dad?”
Dan sighed.
“It would be fun if we could go on more walks together.”
“You’re having a good time?”
The sun was fading after a long day of work. The sky was still colorful and bright, but Rainie knew the darkness would set in soon. She’d never left her hometown of Morehead, Kentucky and she wondered if the sky looked the same in other parts of the world. In school they learned about different states and countries. Did the sky turn the same colors there? “I am. This is fun. Ronnie’s having fun, too. Mama should have come. She might have enjoyed it.”
Porch lights began to flip on as they continued their walk. An older woman stood at her mailbox, perusing her mail. At the next house a mother and her young son contently sat on a porch swing. The neighborhood was alive. The late fall air was crisp and fresh. Leaves were beginning to slip off of tree branches and float to the ground. In school, Rainie’s teacher told them that scientists have learned that trees sense light with their leaves. Then the trees shed their leaves, that’s how they shut their eyes. Tony Ramton told the teacher that when trees lose their leaves they die, but the teacher said he was wrong. When trees shed their leaves, they aren’t dead, they are asleep. Rainie studied the trees as they continued walking. Some leaves were dark green, while others had turned orange, red or yellow.
“Bird! Bird!” Ronnie interrupted her thoughts.
“Birds live in trees.” Rainie told her sister, pulling her forward. Her dad was now walking a few feet ahead of them, clearly not enjoying the time outdoors.
“Bird!” Ronnie continued to chant. When Rainie turned around to look at her sister she saw she was pointing to the ground. “Bird!”
That’s when Rainie saw it. A baby bird lying in the grass. Too weak to stand on her own the little bird reached her neck toward the tree and chirped to her mom. Looking up, Rainie saw a bird’s nest on the tree limb that hung above their heads. Outside of the birds nest sat the bird’s mom, a brown Robin. She looked back at the baby bird as it pleaded for help. The bird was so small it only had a single tuff of feathers on its side. With wrinkled and transparent skin, the tiny bones that held the bird together were visible to the naked eye. The bird must have recently hatched. The mother bird chirped back loudly and watched Rainie and Ronnie standing beside her hatchling.
“Dad?” Rainie called. “Dad!”
Dan turned and looked back at his daughters. “Come on girls, don’t tire out on me. We’re almost home.”
“Dad…I’m not tired. We’re not tired. There’s a baby bird. It needs our help.” Rainie pleaded. She hoped her dad would be able to carefully cradle the baby bird and place it back in the nest with its mother. Looking up at the tree branch that held the nest, she thought her dad might be tall enough to reach it if he stretched his arms.
“A baby what?” He reluctantly plodded back to his daughters.
“A baby bird. Dad, it’s a baby bird! Look!”
“Bird!” Ronnie repeated and pointed again.
“No.”
“No? No what?”
“Leave it be.” Dan turned to continue walking. He wanted to get home.
“Dad, no. We have to help her. She needs our help. Come back, Dad! Look at her mom, she’s waiting for us to help. She needs our help.” Rainie’s eyes filled with tears.
“Leave it, Rainie. Come on.” He shouted back at his daughter.
“Please, Dad. Please. Please can you help? It will only take a minute. I’m not tall enough. Please?”
“Enough!” Dan was more than ten feet ahead of the girls now. “Rainie, you can’t save it. You can’t touch a bird because if a human touches a baby bird, the mom won’t take care of it anymore. Leave it be. Let nature run its course.”
“Please.” Rainie’s voice was nearly a whisper as the tears began to fall down her cheeks.
“Bird!” Ronnie called again.
“I know, I know.” Rainie said quietly to her sister. She looked down the sidewalk once again and saw that her dad had disappeared around the corner. He wasn’t coming back to help. She wasn’t tall enough to place the bird back in the nest. She looked at the side of the tree and realized she couldn’t climb out that far on the limb, either. Looking up at the mother Robin, Rainie apologized. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. I’m so sorry.” And then, looking down at the baby bird, she said the same. “I hope you’re okay.” But Rainie knew, even at her age, that hope wouldn’t be enough to save the fallen bird.
When Rainie arrived home, she parked the red wagon back in the garage and held Ronnie’s hand as they walked through the front door together. “Did you have fun, Ronnie?”
Ronnie nodded. Although Rainie was glad they’d gone for a walk, she couldn’t stop thinking about the baby bird and its mother. She felt terrible she couldn’t help. She knew the bird wouldn’t survive the night and the sun was setting. Walking through the front door, holding her sisters hand, Rainie watched as her dad plopped back into the reclining chair, opening a new drink and gluing his eyes to the television. After walking Ronnie to her room, she went to her own and slammed the door behind her. She couldn’t stop the tears. She should have saved that baby bird. Her dad should have helped her. They shouldn’t have left the bird alone on the ground with its mom begging for help above them. It wasn’t okay. But her dad said it was nature. Her dad said there was nothing they could do. And that’s what they’d done. Nothing. They’d all come home after their walk and snuggled warm in their own beds while the baby bird was alone, scared and undoubtably cold. Rainie thought, if you have a patch of bad luck in life, you should never be alone.
〜
Rainie’s work demanded her attention every hour of every day. She slept at work. She ate all of her meals at work, although she rarely sat down to eat them. She was always on the go. Always on her phone or tending to those who needed her. Her brain always scanning what still needed to be done for the day and preparing for the next day. She’d learned that life wasn’t predictable, but she always tried to cover her bases to minimize any rough spots that might arise.
“Good work today, Jackson.” Rainie patted the seventeen-year-old on the back.
“Thank you, Ms. Amburger.” Jackson dipped his head, allowing his loose, chin length hair to cover his face. Rainie had noticed he did this anytime she spoke to him. She hadn’t noticed Jackson spea
king to anyone while he was working. He only replied when spoken to, and Rainie was the only one to dare to speak to him.
The two walked side by side through the grass. The sun would be setting on another day within the hour. “How do you like it here? You’ve been here…what? Three weeks now? Is that right?” Rainie looked straight ahead as she spoke. She knew eye contact would alienate him further.
Jackson shuffled his feet, still hiding behind his lowered head and loose brown hair. “Yes ma’am, three weeks today.” After a momentary pause, Rainie tried again. “And how do you like it here, Jackson? Does this work interest you?”
Jackson nervously tucked his hair behind his ears, still careful to keep his head down, his eyes focused on his muddy sneakers. “I do like it here. Especially the animals. They’re all really…they’re really nice. The goats are my favorite.”
Rainie smiled. She knew people thought of her as a work-a-holic, but she loved her work. She’d started the non-profit organization to help animals. What she hadn’t expected was to help people, too. Jackson was one of hundreds of young adults she’d helped throughout the years. Although her work was demanding, she never tired of enriching the lives of others. Of course, she wasn’t perfect. She knew that no matter how altruistic her work, it couldn’t fight off her own imperfections and demons. She’d been trying to live her life to forget the hardships of the past. She’d tried to bury her anger and frustration and hoped it would never resurface. But she learned time and again that you can’t pick and choose what you remember in life. You can’t discard the bad memories and only keep the good. She’d tried, unsuccessfully. Ever on the look out for control, she had however, discovered that a person could control their choices, especially once they were adults. And that’s what she was doing with her own life. That’s also what she tried to instill in Jackson and others his age who came to work for her. “The goats are great. Especially Grace, don’t you think?”
Jackson nodded. “Why do you do it?” As they continued to walk, Sparkles the cat trotted up to them with a friendly meow. Jackson reached down to stroke her fur and Rainie watched as a smile crept across his face. Her heart swelled.
“What? This?” Rainie motioned to the land surrounding them. “I do it because there’s a need to help and I don’t want to be a person who says ‘One day I’ll help’. I decided instead to be the person who helps right now.”
As Sparkles trotted away, Grace the goat strolled up beside them and Jackson obliged her by petting the top of her head and spine.
“I think Grace heard us talking about her. She appreciates knowing she’s one of the favorites.” Rainie smiled.
The pair stopped walking and stood with Grace, giving in to her subtle demand for attention. For the first time, Jackson looked Rainie in the eyes. He stood a foot taller than her, however, his youth was evident from his awkward stance and smooth skin. Rainie noticed he had a scar from the top of his forehead to the bottom of his right eye. “Well…” Jackson stuttered. “Thank you. I’m glad this place is here.”
It was then Rainie realized he may have not been asking about the animals, he may have been asking why she operated the volunteer program for young adults aging out of the foster care system. The program he was in. Her blonde hair was pulled into a loose ponytail on the top of her head. The light breeze pushed the fly away strands back and forth across her face, tickling the tip of her nose. The smell of hay, feed and manure filled the air and to her it was home. It was safety. It was comfort. She hoped it felt the same to the young adults she helped, too. “I’m glad it’s here, too.” She replied, as they continued petting Grace. Beginning to sniff their pockets, Grace searched for food. “Do you want to feed the goats with me tonight?”
Jackson nodded.
“You’re doing a great job, Jackson. We’re happy to have you working here.” Rainie told him as they walked toward the barn. Grace walked along beside them, wanting to be the first one fed. She knew the routine by heart.
“Thank you, Mrs. Amburger.” Before entering the barn, he added, “I’ve never had an adult be nice to me before.”
Rainie didn’t know what to say. She had craved positive adult attention in her own childhood. She knew the ache of longing for approval. And although she hadn’t experienced the foster care system herself, she thought about how difficult it must be to find yourself aging out of a system that provided you with basic care in terms of material items, yet lacked in the department of connection and love. She imagined how scared teens, much the same as Jackson, must be when they were turned loose into a world without a support system, without an anchor to fall back on, without knowing they had a specific person to count on, especially in hard times. Rainie knew hard times were inevitable for everyone. Growing up with an idyllic childhood wasn’t a gift everyone was afforded. In fact, if it hadn’t been for Milo, she would have thought idyllic childhoods were make-believe scenes that only existed on television. But Milo’s family had shown her that loving families did exist.
“Keep showing up for work when you’re scheduled. Show up on time. Treat the animals with kindness and respect, it should go without saying to treat everyone that way. And we’ll get along fine.” Rainie told him while patting Grace once again.
“Yes ma’am.” Rainie knew she was personified as stern and she accepted that. Sure, she had a soft heart, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t as tough as steel. You didn’t live her life without learning to be tough. She knew that true courage and strength included kindness and compassion. For anyone who mistook those traits as weakness, they were in for a big surprise when it came to Rainie Lynn Amburger. Too often, people are quick to judge. Too often people pigeon hole their view of someone. For Rainie, she was viewed by some as too nice. Others viewed her as too stubborn. And there were those who viewed her as a control freak. Although each may have been right to some degree, they were certainly neglecting the whole picture. Rainie Amburger had always been someone who was full of surprises. And some things never changed.
Rainie sat alone on the front porch swing with a glass of cool lemonade in hand. All of the animals were up for the night, safe in their designated barns, and the volunteers and employees had driven away. It’s something that didn’t happen often. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d been alone. She lived alone, but often, once everyone had gone home for the night, she continued working; answering emails, updating the website, writing grants. And usually her work was done with a cat on her lap or a dog licking her leg. Finding herself sitting on the porch swing without another soul accompanying her felt odd. Nevertheless, Rainie closed her eyes and leaned her head back, drawing in a long deep breath and holding it for several moments before its release. The air was warm and she appreciated the light breeze. Opening her eyes, she glanced up at the expansive sky looming above. The moon was full, the crickets were chirping their night songs. Male toads were croaking. They sky was clear and full of twinkling stars. Rainie sipped her lemonade, enjoying its sweetness. Life was good. She loved her work. She loved her home. She was exhausted, but content. She’d started dating a man named Cooper McCarty three months ago. She’d been instantly attracted to his sandy blonde hair and fit build, not to mention his unwavering confidence.
Rainie’s mind was always spinning with to-do’s. She tried to push those thoughts away tonight as she sat on the swing, letting the smells and sounds of the night overtake her. Finishing her glass of lemonade, she folded her legs up into her chest, hugging them close. At thirty-two, Rainie was pleased with the life she was building for herself. She’d built everything that surrounded her from scratch. The Kentucky Farm Sanctuary was an idea that she’d had for years and little by little, she’d built that idea into a reality. Of course, there were pieces of her perfect vision that were absent. But she knew that good things took time and nothing worth having ever came easy.
The buzz of her phone shook her from her thoughts. Pulling it from her pocket she sighed, wanting to enjoy the stillness of the night a b
it longer before being pulled back into work. She knew it would be work related because it always was. Sometimes, as of late, it was Cooper calling or texting, but he was away on business and he’d told her his schedule this evening so she knew she wouldn’t be hearing from him. She sighed once more before looking at her phone. Back to work. Not recognizing the number displayed on the screen, Rainie answered.
“Rainie Lynn?” The voice inquired.
Her stomach clinched. No one called her that. “Speaking.” She managed to keep her voice strong and steady, although her head was racing with curiosity.
“Oh, Rainie.” The woman on the other end of the phone cried. “Rainie…”
Opening her mouth to speak, she stopped swinging the porch swing and placed her feet on the ground. She knew who was on the line and as the thought entered her mind, the voice on the phone provided confirmation.
“It’s Mama. Rainie, it’s your mama.”
Rainie hadn’t spoken to Sarah-Jayne in nine years. She’d been twenty-three when she’d fully pulled away from her family. Once she’d left for college she’d had less and less contact with them, and then finally she’d cut the cord. She knew it had been something she had to do. Although it had been a conscious choice, she’d never felt it had been her choice. Some things in life, she’d reasoned, were meant to be. Some things had to be done as a matter of survival.
“Mama?” Tears welled up in Rainie’s eyes. “It’s been a long time.”
The phone went silent and Rainie began to wonder if the call had dropped.
“Are you still there?” Rainie asked, feeling her hands begin to tremble.
“Yes. I’m here.” Her mother’s voice was faint.
“Where are you? Do you need help?”
“I’m here, I’m still here in Morehead. We never moved. Same street. Same town. Same house.”
The word we made Rainie gulp.
“I’m calling because…” Sarah-Jayne’s voice trailed and Rainie could hear shuffling and guessed she was moving a stack of papers. “I’m calling because, well, I should have called a long time ago. And I’m sorry for that.”