by Johi Jenkins
“I’m not going anywhere,” Margarette whispers. And she knows it’s true.
I’m stuck here forever.
***
Morning sunlight shines through Margarette’s bedroom window. She is whispering into her phone. “Did you ever know that if you had sex in your dreams, you could wake up pregnant?”
The phone hisses like it’s a kitten on the other end of the phone.
“I don’t mind telling you,” Margarette says. “It’s good and bad.”
She flips back her hair.
“Yes, good as in better, but he’s been doing it ever since he found out I’m pregnant. It’s messy… yeah, that too… but it’s not so bad once you get used to it.”
The girl on the phone is Margarette’s cousin, and apparently her only remaining friend aside from Paulie. Margarette doesn’t mind oversharing the details of her sex life with her.
“Five weeks. Well, the doctor says seven; they count from the last period…. Yeah, I know, it’s stupid.”
The phone chatters away.
She picks up Comeunion, the book that Paulie had given her, and opens to where she left off. It is a book about a love she had never known. Margarette reads ahead by mistake. She stops and tries to remember where she left off in the story and reads it to herself like an extended thought. The hero, Simon, stabs his hand in the middle of an office board room, then pulls out the knife and it doesn’t bleed. He doesn’t have a hole in his hand although it had struck right through. He holds up his hand in front of the panicked people. There is no blood, but water on the desk. He sits down, leans back and grins like a magician. They ask to inspect the knife.
Margarette wonders about it being possible, as if it happened in real life. She grabs her switchblade from her desk without opening it and holds it in her lap as she reads.
A girl’s tiny voice can be heard on the phone. She is clearly upset. Are you even listening?
“Sure,” Margarette says, not sounding a bit distracted. “You were talking about the thing.”
The voice continues, nonstop, but appeased.
When Margarette has the chance to get a few words in, she says, “Oh yeah, that reminds me. Guess what… May has to drive me to work tomorrow.”
Margarette smiles. “Yeah. She gave in.”
The phone cord has a kink in it and Margarette slowly unwinds it. “I know.”
Mumble mumble, from the phone.
“I know, I know,” Margarette replies, rolling her eyes. “I think I’m going to move in with Tommy…. Yep. Eventually. Well, I can’t stay here…. No, Mother’s back at the hospital. They won’t let her go… suicide watch.”
Margarette’s mother is her cousin’s aunt, and the other girl rambles on and on about it. It takes some time for Margarette to let her finish.
She frowns. “I don’t know how I feel about it. Some feelings just don’t have names.”
She says goodbye and plops back on the bed to read the book. But she can’t concentrate and after a few minutes she puts it away. She stands up and walks around the room in a skimpy nightgown, her thoughts on her mother. This is not the first time Margarette’s mother has been in the hospital; the first time happened a few months after her father left them.
Margarette always knew that she was stuck. Despite her social struggles in school, she was never against the idea of college; she dreamed of being a counselor…. But college was never an option while her mother threatened to kill herself at the thought of being alone. Margarette is resigned to her fate. And now this pregnancy might put some distance between her and her mother but leaves her stuck in this town just the same. She is truly caught between a rock and a hard place. If she moves in with Tommy… will her mother carry out her threat? Will she be free of her mother?
She gasps at the dark thought and shakes her head. She continues to pace.
Tommy shows up after it turns dark, interrupting her thoughts. He pulls off her clothes and pins her down on the bed kissing her neck. At first she welcomed the distraction but now she pulls his head down to her shoulder so he can no longer see her face. The tears fall from her eyes and she wishes that they stop on her cheeks, but the weight of fluid forces them to the edge. Her tears drip on his neck.
He asks panicking, “Is this okay? Are you crying?”
“It’s not you, Tommy,” she replies. “I’m way beyond tears.”
Tommy continues, “You always say things like that.”
“Do I?” she casually responds.
Maybe, she thinks. She wants someone who understands her without having to explain it. She doesn’t know if she likes him. She really doesn’t know.
Chapter 14. First Day at the Five Star
Mr. Gallager owns the Five Star Bank, the largest bank in the small town. He took on the business after his father passed. Tommy was to be the third heir but Mr. Gallager was presented with an offer he couldn’t refuse. A national bank kept offering increasing amounts of money to buy him out until Mr. Gallager let go of his family pride and was forced to accept that his son didn’t have it in him to run the business. He knew it would only be a matter of time after the bank was in Tommy’s hands that Tommy would sell and take all the money that Mr. Gallager had refused. So, he caved. Early in the year the sale had been finalized, and by the end of the year the bank would be changing names. Mr. Gallager still manages the Five Star and will continue to do so until he chooses to retire; that was part of the deal.
But even if the bank sold out, the Gallagers have a long history in Coyote Falls and they will not be forgotten any time soon. Everyone knows the Gallagers and respects them. Well, a lot of people talk trash about them, but everybody quietly admires the richest family in town, no matter how snide they are.
May drives Margarette to the bank on her first day of work. As the stately brick building comes into view, Margarette thinks about how the current generation of Gallagers is nothing but lucky to be descendants of the original people who worked their butts off. It seems unfair.
You are one of them now, she scolds herself. The thought is depressing.
May’s car stops in a reserved spot. The older girl looks over at Margarette in the passenger seat wearing a new designer dress and shoes that Tommy purchased for her, and shakes her head. “Follow me and don’t talk to anyone just yet,” May instructs.
Wandering eyes glare through a thick panel of glass in front of the bank. Curious employees watch the two women get out of the car, and follow them discretely with their eyes as they enter the bank. Older ladies in the break room plain stare at Margarette.
Murmurs reach Margarette’s ears as they walk to the back of the bank. Who is the new girl?
You already know who she is, Margarette thinks. And you are nothing but a sea of mindless guppies.
Mr. Gallager is not at work today so May uses his office. She provides Margarette with a long list of instructions without pause. She names each person Margarette needs to know and tells her how to act. Never walk away from a question, she says. Answer it and move on. Lie if you have to. Answer the question with certainty even if you’re proven wrong. If proven wrong continue to argue.
Margarette listens quietly but doesn’t take notes. May pauses to look for an employee manual and Margarette uses the break to look around the office. On the wall is a crest with a black lion rampant on a silver shield. Margarette doesn’t notice the snakes under its claws until she walks close to it. She squints and reads the words Mea Gloria Fides. Of course she doesn’t understand Latin, but is impressed regardless. It looks important enough to write a dead language on.
May notices her looking at the crest. “Father knows all kinds of crap about our family. I’m sure at some point it was interesting, but I don’t know why he keeps up with it.”
Margarette shrugs, unsure whether to agree or disagree. “So do you work here?”
“Not exactly. I use an empty office when I’m here, but I don’t work as a teller,” May says vaguely. She scans Margarette’s face quickly as
if looking for something there.
“What do you do?” Margarette asks.
“Well, if you must know…. Nothing exciting, really. I manage some of the charities but I don’t really do much other than make calls.”
“What did you say you went to school for?”
“I didn’t.”
That put an end to the conversation.
Margarette wants to ask May about Tommy and talk to her about their childhood, but there is too much anger between them. May is always sad, the kind of sad that makes Margarette feel sorry for her, and want to get to know her better. But May is such a bitch, it is nearly impossible.
After another round of instructions May drops her off with the employee handbook at an empty workstation just outside Mr. Gallager’s office. The desk has one computer, a typewriter and a pen. From her chair she can see the main banking area beyond, but she is tucked in a corner. She feels like that was probably done on purpose.
“Look, I took you here, walked you in like you were my friend, but I’ve got somewhere to be,” May says. “I told them everything they need to know. Read that handbook until someone comes by to get you started. Good luck.”
“Thank you for the ride,” Margarette says softly, but she really means it.
“Don’t thank me. I had nothing to do with it.”
Oh, but she did.
Margarette stays there as instructed, her head fixed forward. Her little corner becomes quiet enough for her to hear a ticking clock. An older lady comes by and introduces herself as Martha, and then has Margarette type something on the typewriter. It is an archaic typewriter at best, but it is the only thing the gray-haired woman knows. When Margarette asks if she can’t just use the computer instead, Martha explains that the computers were brought in by the new owners, and that they all indeed have a word processor, but she hasn’t been trained on it yet. Margarette assures her that she can figure it out, and gets a slip of paper from the older lady with a login password. She knows how to work a computer. She’s no expert, but no one needs to be an expert to know how to use a damn computer.
She finishes her one task in less than half an hour and uses the rest of the time to find information about everyone in the building, where they live and if they are salaried or not. The computer doesn’t have access to the Internet but is connected to a local network that nobody yet has figured out to make secure. Some hours later Mrs. Martha walks by in front of Margarette’s desk and is happy that Margarette figured out how to make that old piano sing. It takes Margarette a second to understand that she’s vaguely describing the keyboard.
Aside from the entertainment afforded by the snooping, the first part of the day is miserable. She feels people are talking about her and she wants to meet her other coworkers to satisfy their curiosity. However, May didn’t introduce her to anyone so she stays put. Nobody approaches her either, aside from Mrs. Martha.
By eleven she gets nervous when she hears everyone start talking about lunch. She doesn’t know where to go or what to eat so she tries to justify why she doesn’t need to eat. But a group of older women headed by Mrs. Martha drag her along to a deli a few blocks away. The lunch out is meant to entertain her, but more likely an opportunity to get a closer look at the new girl. Either way it’s hard to say no to a crowd when they can hear your stomach grumbling. During lunch they tell stories she doesn’t quite follow about people she would never know, but at least they don’t talk to her too much. It is the right balance of “getting to know you” questions and group distraction. When they get back she spends hours performing remedial tasks like sharpening pencils.
At 4 p.m. Tommy comes in the front door and sits in his corner office, just as they discussed the night before, little eye contact and no smiles. The office doesn’t skip a breath.
Two hours later everyone has gone home, except for the skeleton crew running numbers for the day. Margarette walks out past Tommy, out the bank and down the block. Tommy picks her up in his car before she gets to the stop sign at the end of the street. He doesn’t kiss her, but he looks excited. His hand brushes against hers and neither retreat. She notices he doesn’t turn to her house and drives out to the country. They travel on a long road and she finally asks why.
“It’s a surprise,” he says. And boy, he is right.
He holds out a set of keys with a smile. “It’s a house! Father gave it to us.”
It’s a good thing that he is driving and not able to see the horrified look on her face.
“That’s great, Tommy,” she says with a forced smile. He had mentioned to her last week that he would get his own place someday, but she thought he meant rent a place… and that moving in would happen much later, after they pretended to meet and fall in love at the bank.
Tommy’s father must have given him a house for knocking her up. Oh, to be rich.
Must be nice, she thinks to herself.
After only about a mile, Tommy pulls up to a cute little blue house. He’s excited as he shows her the small but modest space with new hardwood floors. It has a bright, white kitchen with yellow accents. Two bedrooms and a little office where she already sees some of his stuff loosely shoved into a corner and a half-opened box.
When he gets to the master bedroom the hairs on her neck stand up. He has a new queen-sized bed covered with soft-looking blue sheets.
She stops in the doorway not wanting to enter, but he stands next to her, cornering her where there isn’t a corner, forcing her forward into the room without a touch. There is a master bathroom off to the side and she goes in to see it, but Tommy doesn’t go in with her.
“It’s cute, Tommy,” she calls, and turns back around to face him.
“It’s yours.” He pulls off his collared shirt and throws it at the foot of the bed, wrinkling it. He advances to her and takes her hand, bringing her back into the room, close enough to him that she feels the late rays of sunlight coming in from the window reflected off his skin. He doesn’t say another thing, but his arms reach around her, pulling her to him. He lowers his lips to hers.
There should have been music playing or some sound other than the softly creaking floors, but he doesn’t even have a clock radio yet. Her heartbeat quickens as he kisses her more urgently.
She is shaking inside, an uncomfortable feeling tricking her body into a rush of sensations. The idea of living with him makes her nervous. She wants to hold on to that thought and address it, but the feeling is pushed to the back of her mind as his tongue demands her attention. His hands caress her back and she feels the situation is beyond her control. He is quick to be physical, overwhelming her, and she finds it difficult to be herself. He is beautiful to her, and deep down she does not have a real reason to stop him. So she lets him.
Tommy guides her to the bed and leans into her, forcing her to lie back on the blue sheets. He fondles her breasts through layers of clothes as he kisses her. She is wearing a thick bra so she feels only the pressure. He pauses the kiss to undo her zipper; her dress becomes loose and he pulls it over her head with her help.
He stares at her in her underwear, looks into her eyes and smiles. His smile melts her reservations, and she can’t help but smile back. He pulls his undershirt off quickly in an effort to keep her from feeling bare. Her small hands glide over his chest and she doesn’t mind being there with him anymore. She feels one of her shoes slip to the floor and lets the other fall after. Tommy sits up and unbuckles his belt and finishes undressing.
He climbs on top of her and slides a blanket over them. At first he doesn’t move, but just stares at her, both her legs on either side of him. His fingertips glide down her belly and stop over her waist. He pulls the elastic on her panties and slides them completely off. He looks down at her bra, then at her naked body. She is beautiful, but frozen in the bed, motionless, barely able to whisper.
“Tommy….”
“You’re so beautiful. I can’t believe how lucky I am.”
She watches him as he eases himself into her and she gas
ps under his pressing weight. He glides in and out of her to his pleasure, and despite her earlier reserve she becomes physically excited. Her eyes tell the story that she wants it to end quickly, but his head is low and he’s unable to read them. He’s forceful and strong and a soft perspiration gathers on his skin. Her stomach tightens as he rocks up and down, pressing her body against the bed.
He pulses and she feels the glide in a way she enjoys. Her hand digs into his back forcing him deeper into her, and she feels him struggle to sync her new course. His feverish focus takes her to a higher realm of pleasure, and the reasons she had to dismiss him culminate in one powerful reason to keep him. She starts to come in a way that makes her believe in him. The strength he possesses forces her to accept that living alone is too hard to sell. This is much, much better….
“Tommy. I’m… I’m going to come,” she whispers into his ear struggling to find the air.
He kisses her neck and says, “Me too,” and pushes deeper, faster into her.
Her body tenses and she stops breathing as the quivering in her body takes over and she glories in the sensation that is manifesting inside her. Her mind is blank, there is nothing but the waves of pleasure, and if she doesn’t start breathing soon she may die in his arms. She finally orgasms beautifully, and it lasts ten wonderful seconds, while he keeps going. Her breath soothes as he begins gasping for air, finding his release, squirting deep inside of her.
Coming down from her high she closes her eyes and wonders why he couldn’t just pull himself out. Then again, it’s not like she could get more pregnant. She doesn’t say a thing and he remains inside her, their chests pressed together, racing hearts pulsing in sync. The simple pleasure of sex represents a dirty thing to her, and yet this is the most comfortable sex she has ever had with him.
She thinks about doing this every night. It is hard for her to imagine Tommy and her like this forever, but she knows she doesn’t have much of a choice. She knows he likes her, but her fear keeps her from giving him her heart, from fully opening herself to the experience. Because there is a chance he may change his mind, and make her child a bastard.