by Kahlen Aymes
“Julia Anne,” she admonished sternly, her tone turned teasing. “Not just sex. Everything! How is life? Talk to me.”
It was nice chatting with my mother in a happy, lighthearted way. “Just about perfect, Mom. We can’t keep our hands off of each other, if you want the truth.”
“That’s how it should be. I’m very happy for you, darling. I was wondering if he’d be able to live up to those lofty vows he wrote. He set the bar quite high and so did you.”
“We’ve gone exploring and found a new Sunday coffee place. Even if he’s working, I call like when we were apart. We spend a lot of time at home, cooking together and just…well, not keeping our hands off of each other.” I drew in a deep breath as my heart swelled and I smiled when Ryan’s key turned in the lock.
“Uh, Mom, Ryan’s here. Can I call you tomorrow or later in the week?” I turned and watched my weary husband wander in, wearing navy blue scrubs, his hair was a mess. He pulled the stethoscope from around his neck and tossed it with his keys on the coffee table in front of me, smirking despite his tiredness.
“Sure, baby. Tell Ryan I love him.”
“What am I? Chopped liver?” It totally jazzed me that my mother loved Ryan so much, but I couldn’t resist a little teasing. What wasn’t to love, anyway?
Ryan motioned for me to wrap up my call and I grinned up at him.
“You know I love you. Talk to you later.”
“Take care, Mom. Love you.” Before I even had the phone back on the table, Ryan’s arms were lifting me fully into his arms. He supported my weight under my bottom as I wound my arms around his shoulders and neck while my legs wrapped around his waist.
“Hey, you,” he said softly as his mouth settled on mine. One of my hands moved over his cheek and into his hair, raking it back as I did, the soft strands sliding between my fingers as we kissed each other hungrily. Ryan sat down on the couch leaving me to straddle his slim hips as we clutched at each other, both moaning softly through heavy breathing.
“God, I missed you,” he breathed as his mouth blazed a trail down my neck and his hand pulled the neckline of my t-shirt aside to make way for his exploration. I was trembling, his touch and his mouth setting my body on fire and I pressed my hips into his. His arms tightened around me and he groaned in answer. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. The nights when you’re away last forever.” As caught up as I was in our love play, I worried about him. His hours and routine were so demanding and sometimes he didn’t take time to eat properly. “Are you hungry? I have roasted chicken and vegetables.”
“Later.” He buried his face in my neck and wound his hand around my long hair, gently pulling my head to one side as he tasted my skin and rocked his hips into mine.
“Mmmm, hmmm.” Words were scarce as his mouth found mine again, our tongues laving each other again. We were both starving and it showed in the desperate kisses and frantic dry-humping, heat pooling in response to the friction between our bodies.
Ryan stood and carried me down the hall to our bedroom. I was denied his mouth so I licked and sucked on the sensitive skin below his ear, which I knew, drove him wild. “Truth or dare?” he asked as he kicked the door shut behind us. The light was extinguished by the closed door, the curtains blocking out the moon and city lights.
“Mmmm…dare,” I whispered against his mouth as his strong arms lowered me to the bed in one smooth movement.
“I dare you to not touch me, until I make you come. You can’t touch me at all.” His hot breath rushed over my face as he spoke.
“Ryan, no. I miss you too much,” I moaned longingly as he threw his shirt over his head. He was so beautiful and I wanted to run my hands over his muscled shoulders and abs, to feel his biceps and back flexing beneath my hands as he made love to me. “Anything but that. Please.”
“Do this for me, and I’ll do anything you ask.” His lips were moving down my body as he slowly peeled off my clothes. His eyes were intent on mine, burning as he threw my clothes aside piece by piece. “Anything…” he whispered as I arched up as his tongue circled a nipple and his hand parted the flesh between my legs. “Oh my God, Julia, you’re always so ready for me. You’re so beautiful.”
“Uhhh…” My breath left my lungs in response to his expert touch. My body was wound so tight already, he had my flesh humming with the briefest of touches. He was on his knees at the edge of the bed and he wrapped his arms around my thighs and pulled me toward him and instantly he was moaning into me. The sounds he made as his tongue and lips worked their magic were low and guttural, his fingers splayed out on the flat plane of my stomach. I was completely and utterly helpless to fight the building ache.
“Ryan…I want to touch you, baby.”
He ignored me and alternated between strong swipes of his flat tongue and light suction. “Fuck, Julia, you taste so good. I thought about this all day.”
That velvet voice was muffled against my flesh and in seconds he had me undone, writhing against his mouth and moaning his name over and over again as I fell apart. Ryan didn’t let up until I was completely still, his arms locking around my thighs, refusing to let me pull away. He kissed me softly once more and then the inside of my thigh, over my stomach and up the side and peaks of my breast until he found my mouth, my taste still lingering on his lips, so intimate and perfect. “See how delicious you are?” he said softly between the slow, deep kisses we were sharing. Jesus, it was amazing.
“Uhh…you’re so mean,” I complained breathlessly. He chuckled ever so softly as I pulled him back for another kiss. “You make me take and not give…when I want to give,” I said softly as his mouth hovered and teased at mine, until he sucked my lower lip in between both of his. “So take, Ryan. Anything and everything…until there is nothing left.”
“I want your love, Julia…and all that goes with it. I want your humor and intellect, your beauty, and kindness…your magnificent soul and your words. Without you, there’s nothing.” He looked at me seriously, his hand stroking down the side of my face and his nose nuzzled into me. My heart swelled though it was already so full of him.
“Ugh, I’m trying to seduce you, and you’re making love to me with words.” My voice was thickening, my throat tightening. “After you’ve just made me feel so good, baby, I want to do the same for you.”
“You do.” His green eyes were lidded, so sensual and deep. I pushed him back on the pillows and climbed on top of his lap, straddling him and his hands roamed over my body, gently brushing the swells and curves. I positioned myself over him, not waiting for him to take control as I pushed until he was sheathed deep within me. “Uhhh,” he gasped and closed his eyes. “I want your touch, Julia…I want your body surrounding mine, alive under my hands and mouth. I want every one of your orgasms for the rest of your life to come from me; every panting breath, every little moan, every shudder and each delicious kiss.” He punctuated his words with his body, his hands gripping my hips as I rode him and his body met mine. My head fell back as he filled me and the tight throbbing began to build again. “I want you to belong to only me. Say it,” he demanded, his thumb going to my clitoris as he bit his lip, his brow furrowed and his eyes closing as pleasure flowed through him. The ecstasy on his face consumed me.
“I belong to you. Ryan…Oh God, I love you so much. You own me.”
“As you own me, my love…” He sat up and wrapped his arms around me, his feverish mouth taking mine in a series of deep, sensual kisses as we moved together, our tongues warring and worshiping, just like our bodies. The experience so amazing, I found myself sucking and clutching at him, pulling him further into my body, my hands fisting in his hair as our mouths slanted across the other’s insatiable hunger. Silence surrounded us, except for the music of our breathing and the sound of our kisses as we made mad love to each other, the sounds getting more pronounced as we climaxed together. We clung together, slowly caressing, our mouths still tasting and licking until Ryan nuzzled the side of my cheek with his
nose and exhaled, his breath washing over my skin as I collapsed in his strong arms.
Every time he touched me, he left me breathless and in pieces all around him. “Oh, baby…” he groaned into my neck as he continued to hold me close. “You. Are. Everything. Everything, Julia.”
“Hey, Doctor! You’re looking refreshed, did you get a good night’s sleep?” one of the nurses asked. I was in my own little world, smiling and reliving the night before. The day had become something of a blur. A broken arm, a heart attack, a stab wound, and despite all of it, I was smiling. I chastised myself, but all I could think about was my gorgeous wife.
Time crawled and I ran a hand through my hair impatiently. Still an hour before my shift ended and I was anxious as I glanced at the nurse. She was probably my age, or a couple years older. Thin with long blonde hair that she usually wore in a ponytail and pretty. I wouldn’t call her beautiful. I smirked internally. No one could compare to Julia.
“Something like that, Jane. Didn’t I ask you to call me Ryan? I’m not used to the doctor thing.”
“Well, get used to it. You’re a very good one,” she said warmly as I handed back the chart I’d been making notes on.
I smiled slightly. “Thanks.”
The three months since I’d been at St. Vincent had flown by. The workload was tremendous and the hours so extreme I felt like I lived there, but I loved helping people and there was a serious need for trauma surgeons in New York. The traffic in the ER was non-stop. If it weren’t for how much I missed Julia, I’d love everything about it. Except the lack of sleep. Newly married, I wanted to spend much more time with my wife.
My wife. I couldn’t keep the smile at bay. Sleep was the sacrifice for those precious moments together but the exhaustion was worth it. Lately, I was really dragging. Julia saw it and insisted I spend more time sleeping and less time making love. I was feeling the loss of the intimacy; of our bodies and of the hours we spent talking. Tonight, though, I was scheduled to get out on time and was looking forward to several hours alone with her.
Half an hour later, as I was chatting with Jane and another doctor, a young woman rushed into the ER screaming, her arms holding a small child. The child’s face was bright red and turning purple. Clearly, her airway was blocked.
Immediately, I sprang into action, as did Jane and another nurse. “Ma’am, can you tell me what happened?” I asked quickly as I took the little girl from her mother’s arms and rushed her into one of the rooms to lay her on the gurney.
The young woman was crying hysterically and could hardly speak. “Jane, have Nancy get the vitals, but first we need to bag her. Now!” She nodded and ran to the cabinets on the side of the room to get what we needed. “I’m sorry to put you through this right now, but we need the information,” I spoke to the mother as I examined her little girl. The baby’s tongue was swollen but there was nothing lodged in her throat. I was certain it was a severe allergic reaction.
“Your baby appears to be suffering from anaphylaxis, an allergic reaction to something. Do you know of any allergies? Food, nuts, shellfish?” Even as I said it, I realized this girl was too young to even eat anything like that, barely one year old. My hands ran over her arms and legs searching for an insect bite and I found one on the underside of her left wrist. “Bee sting. Were you outside?” I leaned down, placing my ear over the baby’s mouth and nose. No breath.
The woman was sobbing very hard. “Yes. We were on a picnic in the park. She was playing by the swings when I noticed her fall. Then she was wheezing and coughing.”
My mind raced as I took the bag from Jane and tilted the baby’s neck back so I could put the tube down her throat. “Jane, suppress her tongue please. What’s her name?”
“Mallory,” she cried. “Is she going to be alright? Please help her!”
The next few minutes ticked by in a flash, yet everything seemed to move in slow motion. Another nurse took the screaming mother from the room as we worked. I administered Epinephrine and started CPR as Jane continued to squeeze the bag in an even two breath rhythm, in between my compressions of her chest with my two fingers.
“Come on, breathe!” Breathe, Goddamn it! Please. I was a machine as I worked over her. Again and again I pushed her chest in the 30 push pattern between the two breaths Jane was squeezing into her. “Come on baby…come on!” Dear God…please, I silently begged.
The little girl’s face was purple and her body was still, her little eyes blank. Tirelessly I worked over her until finally I felt a gentle hand on my arm. “Ryan.”
My mind was counting off, twenty eight, twenty nine, thirty as I pressed her chest, trying to start her heart. I waited for Jane to continue her work.
“Jane, squeeze the bag,” I said frantically. “Jane!” I looked up and her eyes were sad, welling with tears. She shook her head slightly. “I said, squeeze the fucking bag, Jane!”
I pushed her hands aside and squeezed it myself and then went back to compressing her chest. One, two, three, four…Jane’s hand was on my arm again, only this time with more force.
“Ryan. It’s over. You did the best you could, but she got here too late. We didn’t have enough time for the Epi to work.” I felt like I was hearing her words through millions of gallons of water and I was drowning in it. I kept working. “Dr. Matthews!”
My hands stilled as I looked down on this little life…now lost. My body started shaking. Something as simple as ten more minutes. Ten more minutes! My mind screamed at me. Just ten more fucking minutes was all I needed to save her.
I felt my body slump and I leaned on my hands on the edge of the gurney. Jane stood by silently, but moved her hand to my shoulder, gently rubbing back and forth, trying to comfort me. Nothing could.
“Do you want me to go speak to the mother?” she asked softly.
I shook my head numbly. “I need to do it.” I could barely get the words past the lump in my throat. I turned back to the little girl and ran my hand over her little head, still warm to the touch, her dark hair like silk through my fingers. A tear slipped out and then another. I angrily brushed them away. “Maybe I’m not cut out for this job,” I mumbled. “I can’t handle this shit.”
Jane and Nancy were waiting, and Nancy spoke. She was older than I, maybe mid-fifties, eyes full of tears. “No. You care so much. That’s why you are perfect for this job. You are a wonderful doctor.”
Jane nodded and stepped forward. “Ryan…no one could have done more.”
I inhaled deeply, the pain in my chest protesting. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be comforted. I walked into the waiting room where the little girl’s mother was sitting. She stood quickly at my approach, her face worried and full of tear tracks. I didn’t even know her name and I was going to have to tell her that her baby was dead.
My throat closed and I tried desperately to clear it. “Uhhggghhh…I’m Doctor Matthews.” I stopped and wrung my hands in front of me. “I’m very sorry, ma’am. We did everything we could, but…” I didn’t get the words out before she crumpled in front of me screaming.
“Nooooooooo!” she sobbed. I felt like I was dying as I caught the woman in my arms and she clung to my chest, her legs giving out on her. “Oh, God! No!” she sobbed, the sound tearing at my heart, her tears soaking through my shirt. Only one other time in my life had I felt like this, and it was also in an Emergency Room when I’d just found out Julia had lost our own baby. I felt sick and disoriented. I didn’t know what I should do or what I needed, except that I wanted to be with Julia.
“I’m so sorry,” I said as I blinked back the tears that stung my eyes. “I’m so very sorry. Is there anyone we can call for you?” I asked the young woman gently and then helped her sit down.
She stared ahead numbly and then looked at the well-used tissue in her hand. “My husband, Bill. Can I see her?” She looked me in the eyes. She had the same dark hair as the little girl on the table in the other room.
I nodded as Jane came forward and put her arm around the mot
her and guided her into the other room. I stood there in the waiting room, watching them go. I swallowed hard. This was almost the worst night of my life. Almost.
*****
I was an hour later than Julia expected, but she was used to it. I felt the hole in my chest the entire way home, but I was numb as I put the key in the lock. The smells coming from the apartment told me that Julia was baking something delicious and when the door opened, music was playing and she was singing in the kitchen.
“Hey!” she called happily, working on something on the stove. I let my eyes roam over her small form. Baggy, beat up jeans sat low on her hips, a small white t-shirt and bare feet, topped off by the messy knot of hair she’d tied atop her head, leaving the long line of her graceful neck, bare. She glanced over her shoulder and her smile faded immediately at my expression.
“Sorry I’m late,” I murmured.
She turned off the stove and walked over as I threw my keys on the table, her brow furrowing. She knew me so well.
“Ryan, are you okay?” She reached out to grab both of my forearms and I let my hands rest on her waist.
I closed my eyes and breathed in her perfume, willing her essence to take away the happenings of the past two hours. I pulled her tightly to me and buried my face in her hair. “I am now,” I whispered and her hands stroked through the hair at the back of my head.
“Baby…what happened?”
“It was…I had a bad day.” She pulled back slightly to look up into my face; her green eyes were wide and worried. I searched her face, her soft skin was flushed pink and her lower lip was hidden by her top teeth.
“Do you want dinner or a drink? Do you want to talk about it?”
“It smells good, sweetheart, but I’m not in the mood to eat right now. A drink sounds good, though.”
“Okay. Do you want to shower while I get it? Beer?”