“I’ve worn this guilt for so long, I wouldn’t know how to function without its weight on my shoulders. I can just feel the weight increasing because no matter what Damon did to me, he used to be my friend. Maybe he could’ve gotten help and become a better man.”
“You’re not going to lie here contemplating all the different scenarios that could’ve played out. Damon made a choice to come after you and you had every right to defend yourself.”
“I know Cayden, but I think you’re going to rack up a lot of billable hours on this.” My dry attempt at a joke works and he smiles at me. His first smile since walking through the door.
“I don’t want to leave you but I have to go back to New York.”
“I don’t need you to babysit me, Cayden. You can’t be strapped down to me and my issues twenty-four/seven; I’m just your patient.”
“I can’t help that I care about you. I worry about you, Isabella.”
“I know you do Cayden, but I need you to go live your life. I need to learn to stand on my own feet right? Claim my life.”
“Yeah, but I’m going to help you with that. Call me anytime, day or night.”
“I will, Cayden.”
“I’m serious, Isabella. You’re never bothering me and I’m never too busy.”
“I got it Cayden, now go, I’m fine.” He stares at me for a few moments before turning and walking out the door with his head hung low. I hate that I’m affecting everyone’s life with my constant drama. It’s one of the main reasons I didn’t make a lot of friends, people I care about always get dragged down by my shit.
The door flies open less than ten minutes later and Rich walks in with serious expression filled with pity. I don’t like when people worry about me, but I absolutely hate when people pity me. I know I have no right to dictate how someone should feel about what I’ve been through, but something about pity made me feel weak, like more of a victim than I want to be. I preferred when it was all a secret, and I could exist like everyone else, be normal and treated as an equal. I just feel like everyone will see me as that damaged, broken girl now. Strong Isabella is a front I put on, and now they all know.
Rich silently lies down next to me, his lean body easily fitting in next to me. His hand runs behind my head and he kisses the top of my head. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“There was nothing to tell. That was my past and I didn’t want it to have a part in my life now.”
“Our past is always part of our lives, Isabella. It scars us, molds us into who we are, and sometimes it comes back to haunt us.” After years of trying to leave my past behind, I realize it’s not possible. The only way I’ll ever conquer the ghosts of my past is to accept them for what they are and what they represent in my present.
He rests his chin on my head, huddling me close, careful not to press on my ribs. I wonder if this is what it would’ve felt like to have a brother to protect me. Rich sighs before saying, “When I first met you, you had this glow that was dimmed by sadness. I knew that look, I’ve had that look. I promised myself I would let you open up when you were ready, but now I wished I would’ve pushed you. Maybe I could’ve helped you.”
“What do you mean you’ve had that look?”
“Most of us have past we’d like to put away and forget. For me, it was trailer parks and alcoholic parents. I didn’t go through anything like you did, but being ignored made me pretty self-sufficient. I didn’t get into college at sixteen because I wanted to be an overachiever, it was my escape.”
“Wow, I was so caught up in my shit I never realized you were dealing with your own issues.”
“I wasn’t dealing with anything, Isabella. I dealt with my past years ago and accepted it for the role it played in the man I became.”
He holds me like that until I begin to drift off, content that I have someone that cares about me that I didn’t have to lie to, or manipulate, or sleep with. He just loves me.
“Promise me something,” I hear him say through my sleep fogged mind.
“Anything,” I whisper.
“When things get hard let us help you. You have people who love you now. Just let us carry some of the weight for you; we’ll get you over that mountain.”
“Okay,” I say, taking a deep breath and letting the exhaustion consume me.
Chapter 17
Isabella
When I wake, it’s dark outside, and Liam is sitting in a chair next to me with his head lying on my bed. He’s watching me as if I’ll disappear if he doesn’t keep an eye on me. I smile at him, but his face remains mournful, as though he’s consumed with thoughts of losing me. “Hey,” I say, reaching out and rubbing his hand.
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine,” I answer. Saying that is a reflex now. I’m far from fine, but there’s no need to tell everyone I felt horrible when there’s nothing they can do to make me feel better. I run my fingers through his hair and his eyes close. He’s been here all day and I know he must be tired. “Why don’t you go home and rest?”
“I can’t sleep knowing you’re lying here like this. I need to see that you’re okay.” His words tug at my heart. I want to hold him in my arms until he realizes it’s over and I’m safe now, but Lillian breezes into the room like a ray of sunshine and orders Liam out so she can take care of me. She dotes on me like I’m her daughter. Helping me shower and change into the clothes she brought me so I wouldn’t be stuck in a hospital gown. She arranges fresh flowers in the room and doesn’t leave until I promise to call the nurses if I’m in any kind of pain. By the time she leaves I’m tired from watching her fuss over me.
I don’t know how long I slept but I woke to Liam lying down next to me. His muscular frame takes up much more space than Rich’s did, so I scoot over so he can snuggle into my side. “Take this off,” I say tugging at his shirt. His eyebrows scrunch up and I smile at him. “I just want to feel your skin, besides I don’t like anything between me and what’s mine.”
He smiles at how I threw his words back at him, then pulls the shirt over his head and lies back down. His warm body presses against my side, and I turn my head to look into his eyes. His finger traces my face and pauses at the bruises before traveling into my hair.
“I went to see your mother.”
“What!” I try to sit up but pain explodes in my side so I drop back down onto the pillow. “How? Why?”
“The bodyguard I hired to watch you brought her into the station for questioning.”
“Bodyguard? Liam, you had someone watching me?” My brows furrow and I tell myself to calm down because I don’t want to argue with him tonight.
“I hired him to watch you after Damon showed up at my party.”
“I’m not even going to touch on how wrong you are for doing that without telling me.”
He shrugs his shoulders like he would do it over again if given a choice. “Your mom is…I’m speechless. She’s a cold, callous bitch. I’ve never wanted to do physical harm to a woman, but her…” He shakes his head and rubs a hand over his eyes.
“What did she say to you?”
“Nothing you need to hear. The police are holding her for conspiracy to commit murder and extortion.”
“Murder? We don’t know if Damon would’ve killed me.”
“Ella, they found a gun in the room and your mother was aware of it.”
“Wow. How can she hate me so much? I swear I never did anything to her.”
“It’s not about you. The woman I talked to today does not have a soul. She sees things in one dimension. What the world can do for her. She’s the ugliest beautiful woman I’ve ever met.”
“The videos,” I gasp. Oh god, I didn’t want anyone to get their hands on those tapes.
“The police have them in evidence.” He runs his finger over my face and kisses my cheek. “Don’t worry. No one else will see them.”
“You saw them?!” I try to sit up but he holds me down with an arm.
“No, but your mother explained
the content to me.”
“Oh God, I swear I was drugged, Liam.”
“Stop worrying about the videos and what I’ll think of them. I don’t care about your past and the things you’ve done. I love all the dynamics of Isabella Moss, you’ve adapted and changed from every shitty situation thrown at you, and I can’t help but admire your resilience.”
If I can only figure out how to stop having to change and be satisfied with myself, then that would be admirable.
Isabella
My second day in the hospital I’m anxious to be discharged. The doctor is insisting I stay one more day, but I think he may be influenced by Liam. His overprotective hovering has begun again. I turn on the television with the control that’s connected to the bed hoping I’ll find something to ease the boredom. My picture flashes on the screen and I turn up the volume to find out what they’re saying about me.
Isabella Moss was attacked at a motel yesterday afternoon. She allegedly went there to meet with her mother, when her ex-boyfriend, Damon Porter, ambushed her. She was then brutally beaten during a lovers’ quarrel over her new relationship with Liam Maddox. Ms. Moss is said to have picked up a knife and stabbed Mr. Porter when he attempted to sexually assault her. She was found unconscious by Liam Maddox, and was rushed to Palm Medical Center.
Liam walks into the room and I shush him, so I can hear the rest of the report. He glances at the screen and rushes over trying to take the remote, but I brush him off and keep it away from him.
A source at the hospital informed us that Ms. Moss suffered from several bruised ribs, where she was viciously punched by the alleged assailant, resulting in the loss of what would’ve been the next Maddox heir. I’m Linda Sullivan reporting from Palm Medical Center.
“What?” I ask to no one in general. My mind is stuck on the Maddox heir comment. I look over at Liam, observing his nervous demeanor. “What are they talking about?” His eyes finally meet mine and I know immediately. I can see it in his tormented face. My hand clutches my belly and my mind flashes back to the piercing pain I felt before I passed out in that hotel room.
“I’m sorry, Ella.”
That’s it. Sorry. “I’ve been here for two days, how am I just now finding out about this?” My head is spinning and I can’t get a handle of all my emotions. A burning sting begins in my eyes and involuntary sobs escape my throat.
“I didn’t want to upset you. I thought you were going through too much already.”
“The doctors, the nurses, nobody said anything.” My anger is rising, causing my hands to tremble.
“I’m a large contributor here so…”
“What the fuck does that mean, Liam? You think you can just throw your money around, and have doctors breaking their Hippocratic Oath?”
“Baby, I’m sorry. I was just trying to protect you.”
“From what?! Don’t you get it yet? Don’t you see? My life is a tragedy. I’m a tragedy. Bad things happen to people around me. You should leave while you can.”
“Ella, that’s not true.”
“I killed our baby!” I scream at him, trying to get it through his head, make him understand that bad things follow me like a dark cloud in a sunny sky.
“No, you didn’t, Damon did.”
“Yes he did, and I killed him. A life for a life, that’s what they say right?”
“Don’t, Ella. This is not your fault.” He reaches out to touch me but I scoot back.
“Leave.”
“I’m not leaving you alone now.”
“Just. Fucking. Leave.” I’m tired of trying to have things I don’t deserve, then losing them. He should leave now before I drag him down.
“I don’t want to upset you, so I’ll call Harris to come sit with you.”
“I don’t need a babysitter.”
I bury my head into the pillow, ignoring the sharp pain in my side from my brisk movement. The door shuts behind him and I gasp for air as tears begin to blur my vision. This is ridiculous, I can’t understand why I’m crying over something I never wanted. I’m acting like something was stolen from me, when ten minutes ago I didn’t even know it existed.
What kind of woman doesn’t know she’s pregnant? I was too wrapped up in my own shit to realize I was responsible for keeping this baby safe. Looking back now, all the signs were there. I was tired, depressed, and I hardly ate anything. The constant sick feeling in my stomach was a blatant sign. I don’t know how to feel, or if what I’m feeling is fair. Do I have a right to mourn for a child I didn’t want or deserve? I don’t know the answer, but I know the crushing pain in my chest won’t go away.
Less than an hour later, Rich walks in and quietly sits at my bedside. He silently observes me from that chair, never saying a word. I love him for his calming support and for realizing talking is not what I want to do at this point. I’d given up on hope of falling asleep, my emotions were too scrambled, and I couldn’t get the thoughts in my head to shut up.
Sleep did come, and when it did, it was filled with dreams of a beautiful wavy-haired little girl with Liam’s green eyes, and my feisty attitude. I don’t know if I would’ve deserved such an amazing kid, but I know I would’ve loved her and learned to be the mother she deserved.
********
I wake to Liam getting into bed with me. He looks me in the eyes, silently asking me to let him stay with me. I don’t have the strength to push him away, and I know my earlier reaction was more about the anger I felt towards myself.
“I’m sorry,” I say to him.
“For what? You had a right to be angry. I shouldn’t have kept this from you.”
“I’m sorry for not taking care of our baby.”
“Ella, you didn’t know. You have to stop blaming yourself for every bad thing that happens.”
“How can I not be to blame when bad things follow me around? I have to be doing something wrong.”
“Life is a series of choices, but when we’re young we need someone to guide us through those choices, protect us from the bad choices others make concerning us. You never had that, so you got lost trying to figure out the right choices. Let me help you find your way back Ella, because there is nothing wrong with you.”
“You would’ve been an amazing dad.”
A soft smile appears on his serious face, “I will be an amazing dad and you’ll be an amazing mother one day.”
I fall asleep with my hand tangled in his hair, his soft breath against my neck, and just like a dream catcher he chases away the nightmares for at least this one night.
Liam is gone when I wake in the morning, but surprisingly Lucas is standing over my bed looking down at me. His hands are deep in his pockets and he’s biting on his lip nervously. Lucas was not someone I expected to visit me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask groggily as I push up into a seated position.
“No matter what’s going on between us, you had to know I’d come see if you’re okay.”
“I’m fine, Lucas. You didn’t have to fly all this way to see me.”
“I had to come, Izzy.” He sighs then rubs a hand over his face. “I’m sorry for everything.”
“It’s okay, Luc.” He looks at me as if he doesn’t believe I would forgive him so easily, but after all the things I’ve done to him over the years how can I hold anything over him? He was my family for ten years and he still is to me.
“After finding out everything that happened to you-”
“Wait.” I cut him off. “How much of my past is being reported in the media?” I can just imagine the twisted stories they are telling about Damon and I.
“Enough for me to know you needed a friend.”
“You were my friend, Lucas. You were my lifesaver.”
“Yeah, but I took advantage of that. I knew you didn’t feel the same way that I felt for you. You made your feelings very clear from the beginning, but I kept pushing you. I thought I could change how you felt and I realize now that you gave in so you wouldn’t lose my friendship. I
was wrong Izzy and I’m sorry.”
“Maybe I did feel panicked that I might lose you, but I made my choice to be with you. I should’ve been a better girlfriend to you. I should’ve been the woman you deserved.”
“You’re a lot more than I deserve. I was too busy trying to get what I needed from you to see that you needed something from me too.”
“You gave me what I needed Lucas. You gave me friendship and family, and you gave me love. I just didn’t know how to return it the way you deserved.”
“You were always so reserved and secretive about your past. I should’ve dug deeper and helped you. I had to find out from a reporter about that man and your dad. I hate that I couldn’t see that these things were eating away at you.”
“I didn’t want you to see, Lucas. I didn’t want anyone to see. I’ve changed for the better and I was trying to get past all this, but now…Now I don’t know how many steps back I’ve taken.”
“Do you think we’ll ever be able to be friends again?”
“Lucas we’ll always be friends. Even when you and Liam decide to have another pissing contest, we’ll still be friends.” He smiles and I can’t help but replicate that smile when I see that familiar dimple appear.
His smile disappears quickly though and he steps in closer to the bed. “Are you happy with him?”
“Happy doesn’t describe what Liam makes me feel.”
“Then that’s all that matters. I won’t stand in the way of your happiness again. If nothing else, you deserve to be happy.” He reaches out and touches my face. I close my eyes to the familiar feeling that passes over me, and when I open them Lucas’s lips brush against my cheek before he spins around and heads for the door.
“Lucas,” I call out to him. He pauses but doesn’t look back. “I love you.”
He takes a deep breath before turning back to me. “I love you too, Izzy, more than you’ll ever know.” The door shuts behind him, but I feel like a new door to our friendship may have opened.
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