by Kate Hewitt
“Oh…” I was not sure how to respond to this unexpected invitation, but Nathan jumped in first.
“Yes, why don’t you come over for dinner? Then the older girls can meet you, as Ruby said. That is, if you want to…”
Did I want to? I was so shocked by the invitation that I couldn’t respond for a moment. Most people had stopped inviting me anywhere years ago, because they knew I would say no. And I should have said no now, and yet…
“Yes,” I said finally. “Yes, I would like that. Thank you.”
Nine
Nathan
“When will Maria come to dinner, Daddy? Tonight?”
“No, not tonight.” I put my arm around Ruby as we sped uptown in a taxi cab; I still couldn’t bring myself to take the subway.
“Tomorrow?”
“I don’t know.”
I was already starting to regret my impulsive invitation. I didn’t know Maria at all. She was a complete stranger, even if Laura had known her, and yet… for the last hour, I’d enjoyed our conversation, and, more importantly, I felt as if she understood what I was going through somehow, perhaps because of her own experience, living through a war, although I didn’t even know what that had meant for her. Still, there was a sorrow in her eyes, like a deep well, that drew you in. Ruby had clearly taken a shine to her too, and I thought the other girls would as well.
Perhaps it was her sense of stillness, the calm way she had about her. Or the sudden smile that lit up her face; her eyes were a beautiful blue-green, and I’d felt startled by their vividness every time I’d looked at her. She was a little older than me, but her skin was surprisingly smooth, or maybe it was just that her expression was so placid. She’d felt, for that hour, like a good force in my life.
But I still didn’t know her at all, and I was wary about inviting a stranger into my home, into my life, even if just for one meal.
So, naturally, were my in-laws, when Ruby gaily informed them that she was coming over for dinner as soon as we got home.
“Who is this person, Nathan?” Elaine turned to me, already aghast, eyes narrowed, lips pursed, ready to judge and, of course, condemn.
“She’s a friend of Laura’s from where she volunteered, at the refugee help center downtown. I thought the girls might like to meet her, find out a bit about what Laura did there.” When I said it like that, it sounded so very reasonable.
“But do you know her at all? Where does she come from?”
“Bosnia, but she’s been in the US for nearly twenty years.” As if that made her somehow more acceptable to them. Perhaps it did.
“But she’s a stranger…”
“Laura knew her.”
Although I’d had my own misgivings, Elaine’s bristling concern made me more resolved to have Maria over. We’d exchanged contact details before saying goodbye, and so, that evening, when I had a rare moment of quiet, I texted her asking her if she’d like to come for dinner on Friday, in two days’ time.
She responded within a few minutes, saying that would be lovely, and then I texted her our address. I realized I was looking forward to the evening, even as I suppressed a vague and instinctive sense of unease. Ruby liked her, I reminded myself, and children had a natural instinct for people. Besides, it was just dinner.
Elaine and Paul remained unimpressed by my decision—and, more frustratingly, they remained. They showed no sign of returning to their lives in Boston, and the night before Maria was to come to dinner, I found out why.
Ella and Ruby were asleep, Alexa holed up in my study with her phone, as always preferring to be alone, when they cornered me in the kitchen.
“Nathan, we need to talk about the future.” Paul was using his serious man-to-man voice, the same tone he used whenever he wanted to talk to me about money. Stupidly, I thought he meant that they would be leaving soon. As much as I’d been relying on their help, I still wanted them gone. Ruby, Ella, Alexa, and I all needed to find our new normal, whatever that could possibly look like, and as hard as I knew it would be to get there.
“All right, Paul.” I tried to sound friendly and affable, even though I was tense, tired, and still so emotional. Memories kept lurching up to grab me by the throat; just that afternoon I’d grabbed Laura’s shampoo in the shower and the smell of it had nearly sent me to my knees. Even worse, I realized it was almost gone; one of the girls must have been using it. I wondered if I would ever be able to bring myself to buy it again.
“Why don’t we sit down?”
So they weren’t just telling me their departure date. Warily, I moved to the living room and sat on the sofa. Paul sat opposite me and Elaine hovered, clearly leaving him, as usual, to do the heavy lifting of the conversation.
“It’s been nearly a month since Laura’s death,” Paul said, his voice catching a little. “And I’m sure you need to return to work, to get on with things…”
“Yes, eventually.” I’d spoken to Frank and we’d agreed I would come back after Christmas, a little over six weeks on from Laura’s death. I couldn’t afford to take any more time off, and I thought the routine and regularity might help us all get back on an even keel. But I didn’t see what any of that had to do with my in-laws. Surely they wouldn’t still be here then.
“It would be very difficult, very demanding, for you to be a single dad to three young girls, Nathan.” I never liked it when he used my name; it suggested a familiarity, an intimacy, that we’d never had.
“Would?” I repeated. “It is what it is.”
“Yes, of course, but Elaine and I have been thinking… about what’s best for you, and, more importantly, what’s best for the girls. Those three lovely young granddaughters of ours have to be the priority for all of us.”
Something about his phrasing grated on me. They were my daughters, and I didn’t need reminding about how important they were. Of course I didn’t. So I said nothing, biting my tongue to keep from snapping back, and waited to hear what more he had to say.
“And your job is demanding, in and of itself,” Paul continued carefully. “The hours you work… Laura said you worked seventy hours a week sometimes.” A note of censure had crept into his voice, although I doubted he’d meant it to.
“Sometimes,” I allowed. “Obviously that will have to change now.” Although I hadn’t yet been able to think about how it could. The business still demanded my attention and time, a greedy mistress. And the bills were mounting up… household expenses, the mortgage, the next installment of school tuition due in January… I didn’t know how I was going to manage, only that I would have to, somehow.
“Nathan, the girls need attention and care at this critical time,” Paul said firmly, the words sounding rehearsed. “They need someone who can be there all the time—for school pickups and sick days, music and ballet lessons, playdates…”
I shifted where I sat, not wanting to betray my ignorance. Ella took swimming lessons, and Ruby did ballet one afternoon a week. Alexa had quit piano last year. I knew all that, but only just, and I didn’t know where or when any of it took place. But I would find out.
“And not just those things,” Elaine burst in, unable to contain herself, an evangelist for whatever they were going to spring on me. “But they need someone to be there for the afternoons when they’re out of sorts… a listening ear… someone to give them a hug when they need it, make cookies with them…”
I thought of our disastrous pancake episode, and then pushed it to the back of my mind. “I can give them a hug,” I said. It sounded ridiculous.
“But with your work, Nathan,” Paul said quietly, giving me a sad smile, as if to show me how he understood. And he should have—according to Laura, he’d traveled four days out of seven throughout her childhood and had worked through many weekends. He’d been as much, if not more, of an absentee father than I had ever been.
“Plenty of parents work.” I still didn’t know what they were suggesting, but I was starting to guess. Were they going to relocate to New York? Or, God fo
rbid, ask to move in with us? I knew they meant well, whatever they suggested, just as I knew I would say no. A couple weeks of Paul and Elaine had been hard enough.
“Yes, but in a time such as this? With no help, no backup…?” Paul shrugged, spreading his hands, as if to indicate the futility of it all.
I took a deep breath, trying to suppress my instinctive response of angry self-defence. They meant well, I told myself yet again. They were missing Laura too. And, it was true, I was going to have to find a solution to this rather large problem.
“I suppose I’ll have to hire a nanny.” Which was an expense I couldn’t really afford, but I’d make it happen. Somehow, and without involving either of my in-laws.
“A nanny.” Elaine couldn’t keep the words from coming out in a cry of dismay. Which was ironic, because Laura had had a nanny when she was young, and Elaine hadn’t even had a job outside the home.
“Someone to help, at least,” I said, as if she had an objection to the word rather than the concept.
“But some stranger…”
Which made me think of Maria, for some reason. “I don’t know yet, Elaine.” I sounded impatient. “I’ll figure it out.” Soon.
“We have another suggestion.” Paul leaned forward, elbows braced on his knees. “A way forward for everyone, and one Elaine and I both think will be best for the girls as well as for you.”
“And what is that?” I couldn’t keep from sounding chilly.
Paul and Elaine exchanged a tense look, and that was when I realized that they weren’t thinking of moving in with me, or even just moving to New York. I braced myself for whatever they planned to say, but when the words came I still wasn’t ready for them.
“What if the girls came to live with us?” Paul’s voice was oddly gentle. “We have plenty of room, all our time available, and Boston has such good schools. We’ve already checked and there are places for all three of them at Laura’s alma mater, one of the best girls’ schools in the country. We’ve spoken to the headmistress and she’d be delighted to welcome them all. Some of the teachers who were there during Laura’s time are still teaching. They remember her…”
I stared at him, hardly able to take in what he was saying. “Live with you,” I repeated, my voice toneless. “Live in Boston.”
“Yes.” Paul met my gaze steadily, his chin slightly tilted, as if he knew what he was asking was wrong. It was indecent. And yet…
“There’s a swim team for Ella’s age,” Elaine rushed in to fill the silence. “And a pre-kindergarten program for Ruby, half-days. They could each have their own bedroom. We were even thinking of getting a puppy…”
“A puppy?” I couldn’t keep the scathing disbelief from my voice. “You mean a bribe.”
“Nathan.” My name was a warning.
I took a deep breath, willing the rage back, and worse, the hurt. They’d found my weakness, hell, they’d always known it, and they were exploiting it ruthlessly. Again. Once more they were offering my family everything I couldn’t give them myself. Time. Space. Even a damn dog. “My daughters stay with me,” I said flatly.
“I understand you saying that, wanting it, but think of them, Nathan,” Paul urged. “You can’t give them what they need right now.”
“So this would be a temporary solution?” I asked in a pseudo-pleasant voice. “Or permanent?”
Once again they exchanged a quick look. “It would be important for the girls to have continuity,” Paul said after a moment. “Consistency and stability…”
“Meaning you want to take them away from me forever.”
“You’d still be their father,” Elaine protested. “And, of course, you’d be welcome to visit any time—weekends, holidays…”
“I’d be welcome?” I’d be a guest to my own family? And eventually I’d be a stranger, and then I’d be nobody at all. I’d be the father who gave them away.
“This isn’t an entirely novel idea,” Paul said quietly. “Men in your position have made similar arrangements for centuries. It’s accepted, it’s understood.”
I shook my head, unable even to begin to find the words. As if I wanted some arrangement. Didn’t they realize that all the hours I worked, everything I did, was for my family? To provide for them, to care for them, to give them the opportunities and comforts I’d never had growing up, moved from trailer park to hippy commune to shabby apartment? If they took my girls away, did I have any reason for working at all?
And yet…
And yet, I was, to my own, everlasting shame, the tiniest bit tempted. Just a flicker, but such a terrible, damning one. It could be so simple. The girls would be loved. And they’d have things I knew I could never give them, no matter how hard I worked. I couldn’t take Ella to her swim lessons, even if I cut back on my hours. We couldn’t get a puppy. And I was so very tired…
I hated myself for thinking that way, utterly despised my selfishness. Yet I felt it anyway, the siren song of an easier life, or even just a life I could survive. Somehow.
“At least think about it, Nathan,” Paul said, once again sensing my weakness, probing it like a loose tooth, checking if it will fall out with just another little push. “I understand why you might be offended by the idea at first, of course I do, and so does Elaine.” A quick, quelling look for his wife, who was assuredly determined not to understand it at all. “But, for the girls’ sake, please do consider it. Because ultimately we all want what’s best for Alexa, Ella, and Ruby.” He smiled then, as if to show how we were all in this together, when I knew we damn well weren’t.
“The girls stay with me.” I spoke flatly, my tone final because the fact that I’d considered their offensive proposal for even a millisecond both haunted and shamed me. What kind of father was I? What kind of father had I been?
“Don’t say that yet. Please just think about it, Nathan,” Elaine pleaded, sounding near tears. “Please. For the girls’ sakes…”
And for theirs. I saw that so clearly, how this was a way of dealing with their grief and keeping Laura close. I felt a flicker of pity for them and their pain, but no more.
“I’m not going to think about it,” I said stonily. “I’m saying no right now, a thousand times no. I’m not letting you have my children.”
“They’re Laura’s children too,” Paul said. His eyes were narrowed, his mouth compressed. He looked angry, but, worse, he looked dangerous. It occurred to me how difficult my in-laws could make my life, now that the gloves were so obviously off. They could plant seeds in the girls’ minds, make them want to move. They could even sue for custody, and, hell, who knew, maybe they’d win…
“Paul, I’m never going to stop you or Elaine seeing your grandchildren,” I said. Much, anyway. “But you can’t have them. They’re my daughters. They’re all I have left. Besides, uprooting them from the only life they’ve known is hardly in their best interests. If you really want to do what’s best for them, then think about that.”
“Do you think we haven’t thought very carefully about this?” Paul stood up, looming over me. He was six three, with a solid chest and a full head of white hair, and he scared me a little. He also pissed me off.
“Yes, I do think you’ve thought it through very carefully,” I fired back. “You’ve thought carefully about how to find me at my lowest point, when I’m tired and overwhelmed and grieving, and how to slip the knife right into my ribs—”
“How dare you.” Elaine’s voice was a high-pitched hiss of outrage.
“How dare you!” I retorted, my voice surprisingly level. I felt strangely calm all of a sudden, an icy rage possessing me that kept me cold and clear-headed. “Think about what you’ve suggested to me for one second.” I met both of their gazes; neither of them looked away. “How dare you,” I repeated quietly. “How dare you.”
“We won’t stay here now,” Elaine proclaimed shrilly as she drew herself up, determined to act in wounded affront, as if I was the one who had instigated all this. “We can’t stay here, after you’v
e treated us this way.”
I let out a hollow laugh, amazed that, after all this, she was the one who felt offended. “Fine,” I told her, knowing I was setting fire to my relational bridges and not even caring. “You know where the door is.”
“Granny. Granddad. Dad.”
I turned to see Alexa standing in the living room doorway, her hair a wild tangle around her face, her eyes huge and dark.
“Why are you all fighting?” Her voice wobbled and then broke on the last word.
“Alexa, darling…” Elaine smiled sadly as she held her arms out to her, already playing the tragic victim. “I’m so, so sorry you had to hear this.”
“Alexa, honey, it’s all right.” Paul gave her a comforting smile. “It’s going to be all right.”
She stared at them both in turn, searching for answers and wanting them to be the ones to give them. Not me. She didn’t so much as look at me, at least not until Elaine had given her a hug. Then my daughter turned to me, hazel eyes narrowed to slits, and hissed, “This is your fault.”
Ten
Maria
The day of the dinner with the Wests, I was full of trepidation. I could not remember the last time I’d been to someone’s house for a meal, not like this. Selma had had me over with her family a few times, and I’d reluctantly agreed, but this felt different. More important, somehow, even as I told myself it had to be less. Just a meal, as some sort of unnecessary thank you, with people who were essentially strangers.
I dithered all day about what to wear, what to bring, how to be. Eventually I settled on a nice sweater and jeans, nothing too dressy. I bought a bouquet of daisies, because I’d always loved their cheerful yellow heads, like smiling faces.
I took the subway from Astoria to midtown, and then the bus up Third Avenue, so I could see the sights, but, of course, it was already getting dark and I didn’t see much. Still, I felt the way the city expanded, everything becoming wider, as if the buildings themselves could breathe better, and I could, too.