Since He Really Feels (He Feels)

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Since He Really Feels (He Feels) Page 24

by Lisa Suzanne


  I filled her in on more about Nick and Josh, and she managed to help alleviate some of my worry.

  I was on my second glass of wine with Alexa when he stumbled into the lobby. Josh was with him, his arm slung around his brother’s shoulders to hold him upright.

  From the way he was walking, it was clear that Nick was very drunk. Drunker than I’d ever seen him.

  Josh spotted us in the corner of the lobby. We both stood and rushed over to help him with Nick. “Where’s your room?” he asked.

  “This way,” I said, and the four of us headed toward the bank of elevators.

  Josh helped Nick, who was mumbling incoherently, onto the elevator once the doors opened for us. He leaned Nick against the back wall of the elevator, and even standing still was causing him to sway. He was going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning.

  We finally arrived at our room, and Josh helped Nick into bed, fully clothed. I took his shoes off and let him pass out to sleep it off. Luckily I’d booked a suite with a bedroom separated from the living area with double French doors, so Alexa, Josh, and I gathered in the living area to talk.

  “What happened?” I asked, sitting on the couch, taking off my heels and rubbing my aching arches.

  “He called me and said to meet him at a bar just down the road. I met him, and he was already a few drinks in. I couldn’t slow him down, but I did eventually get the bartender to kick us out, so I drove him back.”

  “I’ll go with you to get his car,” Lex said to Josh.

  I looked at her gratefully. “Thank you.”

  “He’s more hurt than pissed, and he doesn’t know how to express that. So he drank.”

  “You warned me. I should’ve listened.”

  “Actually, I think you did the right thing, Jules. I don’t think it was bad that he had to face our mother. And I don’t think it’s bad that we got Lex out of the deal. This is something that has needed to happen for a lot of years, but we were all just too complacent with the way things were to do anything about it. It took you to push us all together, to show us that the bond of family is important. It’s just going to take my hardheaded brother a little bit of time to appreciate that.”

  “Thank you, Josh,” I said, grateful for my future brother-in-law and his words of wisdom.

  We talked for awhile longer, and then Josh and Alexa went to pick up Nick’s car from the bar while I watched him sleep. He was snoring, which was a rarity for him; but at least he was breathing.

  I felt terrible. While Josh’s words had comforted me, knowing that Nick was in the shape he was in because of me left me ridden with guilt. Ultimately it was his own stupid reaction, but it was his own stupid reaction to something I had created.

  I sat with him until Josh returned with Nick’s car keys. Then I crawled in bed beside Nick, but I wasn’t tired. I pulled up Facebook on my phone for something to do to kill time until I felt more tired, and I scrolled until I came across something that caught my eye.

  Travis Miller was tagged in Lindsay Rhodes’s photo.

  I gazed at the series of three pictures starring Travis and Lindsay. Picture one was a self-portrait of the two of them. Picture two was a self-portrait of the two of them kissing. And picture three was a close-up of Lindsay’s engagement ring with the two of them kissing in the background.

  “We’re getting married!” the caption read.

  My breath caught in my throat. I studied each picture in turn, zooming in on the two of them. They looked ecstatic. They looked like the perfect couple.

  They looked right together.

  I studied her ring last. It was a platinum band with a simple but enormous princess cut diamond. It was gorgeous, and it looked beautiful on her slender fingers.

  I glanced down at my own engagement ring, and the single emotion that was dominating my heart was happiness.

  Finally.

  I was finally past all of the jealousy, the hurt, the pain, the confusion. I was finally just happy for my friend and the joy that he clearly now had in his life because of his future wife.

  Nick groaned next to me, and then he threw the covers off of himself and stood up. I watched him walk into the wall and then curse. “Where the fuck is the bathroom?” he mumbled, and I flicked on the light and then stood and helped him to it.

  He emerged and settled back into bed, resuming his snoring almost immediately.

  I did my best to try to go to sleep, but my mind just wouldn’t shut off.

  I tossed and turned throughout the night, and in the early hours of the morning when the sun was just starting to peek through the drapes, I had finally drifted into a light sleep when I heard Nick leap out of bed, run to the restroom, and proceed to empty the contents of his stomach.

  At least he’d feel better with the alcohol out of his system.

  He joined me back in bed after I heard him brush his teeth. He was (unsuccessfully) trying to be quiet.

  “Feel better?” I asked softly after he settled back in. I was facing away from him.

  “Yeah,” he said.

  I left him alone, knowing how embarrassing it felt to throw up from drinking too much.

  “Julianne?” His voice was hoarse.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry, baby.”

  I felt tears brimming in my eyes at his sweet sentiment. I turned to face him and kissed his forehead. “I’m sorry, too.”

  “We’ll talk more later, okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  His breathing evened out quickly again, and I knew he’d fallen back asleep. Lucky him, since now I was wide awake once more.

  It was almost noon before he finally woke up. I had started my day by going for a hike in the mountains that were walking distance from our hotel, and then I cleaned up and headed out to the patio with a book and the breakfast and coffee I’d grabbed from a little stand in the lobby.

  He sat in the chair next to me and sighed, running his hands through his hair. His eyes were covered with sunglasses, and even through those, he looked a little rough.

  “Good morning,” I said softly.

  He glanced over at me and grunted.

  I handed him what was left of my coffee wordlessly.

  “Nick, I—”

  He cut me off. “Don’t,” he said sharply.

  I shut my mouth. He was certainly in a mood.

  He took a sip of my coffee, and then he set the cup down. He looked a little green.

  “Julianne, you can’t just walk around trying to fix people’s lives.”

  What the fuck happened to the sweet Nick who had woken in the middle of the night and apologized?

  “I wasn’t.”

  “Yes, you were.”

  “Fine. I was.”

  “Thank you for admitting it.”

  “These people are going to be my family, too. And that means something to me.”

  “I know it does. It means something to me, too. But what I need is for you to be on my side.”

  “I’m always on your side, Nick,” I said softly.

  “I love you for trying, baby, but some things are beyond repair.”

  I nodded. He was right, and I knew that. But I was also right. He was going to give Lex a chance, and that had to mean something in the grand scheme of things.

  “How are you feeling?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Like shit rolled over by a dump truck.”

  “Why did you get so out of control last night?”

  “Seriously, Julianne? A goddamn lecture? Now?”

  “Sorry,” I muttered. I hated feeling shut down like that.

  So much for our romantic weekend getaway. We had the rest of the day and then we’d have to leave the following morning, and with him in the mood he was in, I wasn’t feeling very optimistic for a fun day.

  I headed inside. I didn’t need him yelling at me; if he was angry, well, then he could sit and stew in his anger. I wasn’t about to sit around and take whatever the fuck he felt like dishing out at me.


  I grabbed his car keys off of the dresser, ready to take the car to the shops downtown and just walk around for a few hours. Getting away from Nick didn’t sound like a bad idea.

  “Where are you going?” he asked.

  “Out.”

  “Don’t be like that.”

  “Don’t be like what, Nick? Don’t be mad that you’re fucking yelling at me like I’m a child? I get it. You’re mad. I’m sorry. Now get the fuck over yourself.”

  I grabbed my purse and strode through the room to the door, but I wasn’t fast enough.

  “Excuse me?” he asked, grabbing my arm just as I arrived at the doorway. His voice was venomous.

  “You heard me,” I hissed, not turning around.

  He pulled my arm so I was forced to face him. He moved in closer, and I backed up until my backside hit the door.

  His hips pressed to mine, and despite the worst hangover I’d ever seen him with, I could feel how hot he was for me. Maybe the arguing did it for him.

  “You’re not going anywhere, Julianne.”

  “Oh?”

  “We came here together for the weekend. We’re going to hammer this shit out, I’m going to drink some coffee, and then we’re going to go do whatever the fuck else you have planned unless it involves anyone related to me by blood.”

  I couldn’t help it. A giggle escaped my lips at his words.

  He was so angry, but the deep circles under his eyes and his green flesh on his face and his horrid morning hair made it difficult for me to take him seriously. And his declaration about our day just seemed funny while he had his erection pressed against me. He was trying so hard to be serious because he was angry, but he was failing miserably.

  “Why the fuck are you laughing?” he asked. I felt horrible because he was so clearly mad at me, but once I started, I couldn’t stop.

  I took a deep breath, managing to contain myself. He backed up and eyed me wearily.

  “I can’t take this tension between us. I’m sorry for what I did. I was trying to surprise you. I was hoping it would be a good thing. Clearly it was a bad idea, and I know that now. I won’t keep secrets like that from you ever again. I promise. I don’t know what else you want me to say. I’m sorry you went out and got raging drunk, but I can’t change the fact that you’re hung over today. Sleep it off. I’ll get you coffee and I’ll take care of you, but I will not let you abuse me with hurtful words just because you feel like shit.”

  He nodded. “That’s fair. I’m sorry I was mean to you.”

  “Apology accepted. Are we done fighting?”

  He thought for a moment, and then he nodded. “Just don’t laugh at me when I’m pissed at you.”

  “I’ll work on it. Now are you going to man up and go shopping with me, or are you going to sleep off whatever you drank last night?”

  “Sleep off. But I couldn’t let you leave mad. Every time you leave me mad, bad things happen. I don’t want bad things to happen to us again, Julianne. Despite the stunt you pulled last night, I love you more than I ever thought I could love someone. I acted out last night and drank too much. I’m sorry for acting like a child. I’m sorry I ruined our trip after you ruined our trip.”

  I raised my eyebrow and narrowed my eyes at him.

  He held up both hands in surrender. “Sorry. Cheap shot.”

  “Damn right it was.”

  “I apologize.”

  “Accepted again.”

  “So we’re even. We each did something stupid, and we each apologized for it. Moving on?”

  I nodded.

  “I’ll be going back to bed. Bring me a present.”

  “You’re such a child sometimes.”

  “You love me.”

  I smiled. “I do. So much.”

  I left and headed out for some souvenir shopping. I found that shopping on my own was pretty lonely, and as I was flipping through a stack of white t-shirts that proclaimed SEDONA on the front, I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around and found myself face to face with Lex.

  I smiled as I greeted her.

  “Where’s Nick?” she asked.

  “Sleeping it off.”

  “Is he okay?”

  I nodded. “He will be. He’s a little rough today.”

  “He was a little rough last night.”

  I giggled. “We fought it out and I decided that shopping sounded like more fun than watching him sleep off his hangover.”

  “I don’t blame you. Have you been out long?”

  “An hour or so.”

  “You could have called me,” she said almost shyly.

  I smiled. “That’s really sweet of you.”

  “Have you eaten lunch?”

  “I haven’t.”

  “Neither have I.”

  “Where’s your mom and dad?”

  “Stepdad,” she corrected. I mumbled an apology. “They’re just outside. We were headed to lunch when I spotted you in here. Want to come to lunch with us? Or would you prefer just going with me?”

  “I don’t want to impose.”

  “I insist.”

  I nodded, put the t-shirt back in the stack, and exited the souvenir shop with my soon to be half-sister-in-law.

  CHAPTER 36

  NICK MATTHEWS

  I couldn’t remember the last time I had gotten that drunk. There were parts of my night that I just don’t remember, and I am pretty sure the last time I blacked out was back when I was in college.

  Fucking Julianne thinking she could fix everything. I loved her, but she didn’t know what it was like growing up with Eleanor as my mother. She didn’t know what it was like feeling abandoned when I was a child and finding out later that I had an illegitimate sister.

  My family wasn’t like hers. We didn’t celebrate Christmas with cookie baking and tree decorating. Not when those things could be done by hired help.

  Okay, maybe those traditions were part of my life before my father died, but after that, Josh and I were just two kids left alone.

  It was my reality, but it was my past.

  My future would be different, and someday I would hold my own children with my arms extended toward the Christmas tree so they could place the angel. Someday I’d sit on the couch watching football while my wife baked cookies with our daughter.

  These were the small things I envisioned for my future starting the moment I had first spotted Julianne across the conference room from me at McMillan Marketing. She had immediately become the woman who played the role of my wife when I thought about the future.

  I rolled over and pried open my eyes. The hotel room clock read 3:47. I wondered where Julianne was, and then I realized that I shouldn’t have rolled over. I still felt like shit. But, then, a half gallon of whiskey will do that to a guy.

  It was stupid, but for some reason, that was where I’d turned the night before. Josh didn’t try to stop me, mostly because he knew he couldn’t. But it wasn’t me. Drinking like that was a thing of my past, and I regretted it. Especially as I lay in bed feeling like the room was spinning around me.

  I should’ve sucked up my anger and my nausea and just gone with her. She planned this trip for me, and it would do me a world of good to remember that.

  But the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

  Her good intentions set us on a collision course that I, for one, didn’t want to be on. I couldn’t live with secrets, and while her intent had been to surprise me, using my family as part of that surprise was unacceptable. She should have known better based on the few details I’d divulged about my mother. I thought she knew me well enough to understand that I didn’t want them in my life.

  And now Josh had somehow convinced me to give Alexa a chance. What the fuck was that about? Why was he suddenly on their side? It had always been the two of us against the world, and now that was falling apart.

  I once felt like I could count on my brother and on Julianne, but one single event was making me question both of them and their allegianc
e.

  It had to be the hangover that was making me so dramatic.

  I wasn’t sure where all of this anger was coming from, but the more my head cleared, the more I realized how misplaced my anger was.

  I forced myself out of bed and took a long, hot shower. There were definite pieces of the night before that were just… missing. I remembered being pissed off at Julianne, knowing my anger was misguided at the woman I loved when the woman I was really mad at was my mother. I remembered getting into my car and driving until I found a bar and then texting my brother the name of the place to meet me. And then I remember a lot of whiskey. I ordered two shots of Jack to start, and then Josh showed up and I kept taking shots. When the bartender told me he wouldn’t serve me any more shots, I ordered a glass of whiskey and drank it back like a shot.

  “Why are you so angry?” my brother had asked me.

  And the rest is a blur of small moments. Riding in Josh’s car. Getting sick in some bushes somewhere.

  Missing Julianne.

  It always fucking came back to that for me. Even when I was a drunken idiot, I still knew where my heart belonged. And as I stood under the steaming stream of water in a hotel shower, I knew that I needed to get past my anger at her because ultimately she was more important to me than the grudge I held against my mother. And if she wanted to form a relationship with my family? Well, they’d be her family, too, soon enough. I needed to get past my shit and allow her to feel comfortable as a part of my family.

  I heard a knock on the bathroom door. It was either housekeeping or my fiancée, and I was hoping that if it was housekeeping, at least it would be a sexy woman.

  Just kidding.

  My heart only belonged to Julianne, and I knew that even through my hung over haze that was slowly evaporating in the shower’s steam.

  “Yeah?” I called out.

  “It’s me,” I heard her yell. “Just wanted to let you know I’m back.”

  “Come join me,” I yelled back.

  I felt the rush of cold air as she opened the door. The shower was encased in glass, and her eyes met mine. Even through the steam, I could see how beautiful she looked. She was glowing, a youthful energy surrounding her that I was always drawn to.

 

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