by Jess Ryder
‘I’ve put the house on the market. Chessington’s are handling the whole thing. I’ve given them carte blanche to tidy the place up, do a deep clean and dress the rooms as they wish. And I got them down to two per cent on the commission.’ He looked smug, as if he’d just pulled off a big deal.
I rested the knife on the chopping board, my fragile enthusiasm for roast chicken instantly evaporating. ‘Why didn’t you consult me?’
‘It’s my house, I can do what I like with it.’ He picked up a slice of raw carrot and popped it in his mouth. ‘Come on, Jen, you know we can’t go back there, not now.’
‘I know. You’re right. It’s just that …’ I felt tears pricking behind my eyes. All the agony I’d been through over the last three years, watching Natasha take my place – sleeping in my bedroom, cooking in my kitchen, living my life – felt pointless. The only thing that had kept me going was the thought that one day I would return and make the house my own again.
‘The game’s changed,’ he said. ‘We have to go somewhere new, where nobody knows us.’
I sighed. ‘Emily really misses her home.’ And her mother, I added silently.
He made a scoffing noise. ‘She’s probably already forgotten the place.’
‘I don’t think so.’ I looked towards the ceiling as I imagined Emily lying in her cot, taking her late-morning nap. She’d resisted so much that in the end I’d had to leave her to cry herself to sleep. Every minute of daytime peace had become ridiculously valuable to me. From the second she woke up I was looking forward to her closing her eyes again, and if Nicky ever disturbed her naps I felt a white-hot rage that was out of all proportion.
I couldn’t look at Emily without seeing her mother – it didn’t help that they were astonishingly alike. I saw Natasha’s accusing gaze in Emily’s pretty blue eyes, her hatred of me as she pursed her lips and refused to eat her porridge. It was Natasha who pinched my arms when Nicky wasn’t looking and kicked me in the shins whenever I picked her up. Natasha who hit me with toys. Natasha’s screams that drilled so loudly into my skull I thought my ears would bleed.
I didn’t blame Emily. As a mother, I was an abject failure. For all my years of longing to have a child, I seemed to be totally lacking in maternal instinct. She had sussed me out. She knew there was something deeply wrong with her situation and that I was somehow involved in the disappearance of her real mother. She would not forget, not really. Yes, her memories of Natasha would fade, but the knowledge would be stored somewhere in her brain and it would never be erased. She would always know, deep down, that I was a fake. And she would always hate me, even though she would never understand why.
Nicky was studying my expression as I stared out of the kitchen window, lost in my guilty thoughts. He walked towards me and put his hands on my shoulders, kneading my flesh so hard that it hurt.
‘It’ll be all right. You just need to relax,’ he said.
‘I’m sorry, I’m hopeless.’ I submitted to the pain as his fingers dug into the knots between my shoulder blades.
‘No, you’re not, you’re great with kids. Emily’s unsettled right now and she’s playing up. That’s why we need to sell up and move on. Start our new life.’ He kissed the side of my neck and a shiver danced down my vertebrae. ‘I’ve been speaking to my contacts in Toronto. I think there’s a good chance of a job out there.’
I turned to face him, raising my eyebrows. ‘Toronto?’
‘It’s a great city. You’ll love it, Jen, so will Emily.’
‘I don’t want to live in Canada,’ I said, shaking my head fiercely. ‘It’s thousands of miles from everyone, from your family, all my friends. What about my work?’
He lifted his hand and stroked my cheek, as if he could wipe the doubt away. ‘I know it’s not what we originally planned, but I’ve thought long and hard about this. Trust me, it’s the fresh start we need. There’s a lot of opportunity out there …’
‘No, Nicky.’ I stepped back. ‘No, I don’t want to be stuck in Canada while you go back to your old ways, jetting all over the place, leaving me on my own with Emily.’
He stared at me, astonished. ‘That’s the whole point, isn’t it? That’s why we’ve done all this. To be a family.’
I sank onto a kitchen chair. ‘I can’t do it, Nicky. She won’t let me.’
‘She’ll come round. Just give her time.’
‘What about Natasha?’
His gaze hardened. ‘What do you mean?’
‘You know full well what I mean. What’s happening? You behave like she doesn’t exist.’
‘I told you, I’m dealing with it.’
‘How?’
He ate another slice of carrot. ‘I’ve booked a flight for the three of us next week. I’ll have to go to a few meetings, but you can take a look around, see what you think, maybe view some apartments. Think of it as a city break. If you hate the place, we’ll think again, but if one of these jobs comes good … well, we’d be fools not to take the chance.’
‘Nicky,’ I said firmly. ‘Why won’t you tell me what you’re doing about Natasha?’
He rolled his eyes irritably, as if I was nagging him about not putting the bins out. ‘By the time we get back from Toronto it’ll all be sorted, that’s all you need to know.’
* * *
The flights were booked for Wednesday morning. The plan was to drive down to Heathrow the day before and stay in a hotel near the airport. I had six days in which to decide what to do.
Despite our row, Nicky behaved as if we were equally enthusiastic about the move. It was as if he hadn’t heard a word I’d said, or at least had dismissed it as trivial moaning. He always believed he could win me round to his point of view, and to be fair, for most of our many years together that had been the case. But the situation had changed. I’d changed.
Two things were very clear to me. I didn’t want to move to Canada and I didn’t want to look after Emily. Not because I didn’t love her – although when I think about it now, I realise I had no idea what love for a child was. I’d been in love with the dream of motherhood, and the more I couldn’t make it a reality, the more I’d thought I wanted it. Needed it. Having a child was my human right. I used to see young mothers, obviously without two pennies to rub together, pushing a double buggy down the street with more kids in tow, and poison would surge through my veins. Why was it so easy for them and so impossible for me, when I had so much more to offer a child? It seemed so unfair.
Nicky had promised me a baby. He would pay whatever it cost to get us the best fertility treatment available. That was him all over – thinking everything could be bought. And when that failed, and the accidental miracle of Emily occurred, he still thought he could turn the situation to his advantage. When he told me that he’d got some girl pregnant, I cried non-stop for three days, but it wasn’t a disaster for him, it was an opportunity. He no longer even felt guilty about divorcing me and marrying her, because in the end, we’d got what we wanted. I couldn’t deal with his double-thinking and self-justification. Nicky had always been the buoyant type, but this was to the point of psychosis.
His face had virtually healed, and although his nose looked a little bent if you viewed his left profile, he looked almost as handsome as ever. But I could no longer bear him touching me. My attraction to him weakened me and I had to be strong. He didn’t seem to notice that I was avoiding him; perhaps he put it down to the stress of dealing with Emily, I don’t know. It felt like he’d put me in his pending tray. Getting me back on side was just another job on his list that he would deal with when he got around to it. He had more urgent issues to attend to, and that was what was frightening me the most.
Was he going to try to pay Natasha off? Threaten to have her charged with attempted murder unless she gave up her rights to Emily? Or worse?
I couldn’t go through that again; the thought of the violence made me feel sick. I knew I would never be able to live with the guilt. I was desperate for Nicky to leave her alone, but he refused to tal
k about it, said it was better for me if I was kept in ignorance. He had a lot of money, enough to pay someone else to do the job. If Natasha was murdered while we were away, I would have to go to the police.
Of course, I was up to my eyes in it. I’d gone along with Nicky’s plans and done some appalling things. I was selfish and stupid and supremely arrogant back then, but cross my heart, I would have gone to Canada for the rest of my life – I’d have gone to Outer Mongolia – if Nicky had promised not to harm Natasha.
Because there were other solutions. We could have fought her through the courts and probably won. We could even have agreed to share Emily; it wouldn’t have been so bad, and it was better for Emily to know her mother. But there was no reasoning with him. Natasha had tried to kill him, and even though it was only in self-defence and he’d planned as much for her, his pride could not let it go. In those last few days, I understood my ex-husband better than in all the years we’d lived together. And as the pieces of the puzzle fell into place, so my decision was made for me.
* * *
It wasn’t too difficult to act without Nicky knowing. He was completely engrossed with his plans for our new life in Toronto. He spent hours on his tablet, researching the media companies he was sure would compete to offer him work. He showed me photos of apartments in the city centre and houses in the suburbs and I pretended great interest. When I said I needed to go into Kendal to pick up some things for our trip, he didn’t question me.
I left Emily with Nicky and drove into the town, parking at the railway station. There were no direct trains to London, so I asked at the ticket office.
‘Take the fourteen thirteen to Oxenholme,’ the cashier said, ‘then you can pick up the Euston train. Single or return?’
I hesitated. It would be so easy to buy a ticket and jump on board, to run away right now and leave Nicky to his own devices. God knows, I wanted to be shot of this new life.
The cashier leaned forward and tapped the glass. ‘The train leaves in three minutes …’
I flinched. ‘What? Oh, yes, thanks. I’ll … er … catch the next one maybe.’ I moved to one side to let the person behind me through.
I felt dizzy with thinking. I wandered across the ticket hall and sat down on an iron bench. The 14.13 to Oxenholme drew in and I watched through the barriers as passengers got off and on. Everyone seemed so certain of their destination. As the train pulled away, I let out a heavy sigh. I so wanted to escape, but I couldn’t. For once – perhaps for the first time in my life – I was going to put somebody else first. Because I hadn’t come to the station intending to catch a train; I’d come in search of a payphone.
I didn’t think Nicky was checking my calls, but I didn’t want to risk calling from my mobile. I punched in Natasha’s number and waited for it to connect. It rang out three, four, five times. Pick up, I murmured. For God’s sake, pick up!
‘Hello?’ Her light, young voice sounded suspicious.
‘Natasha, it’s me, Jen.’
There was a gasp. ‘Jen?’ she echoed.
‘I’m so sorry, so sorry.’
‘Don’t give me that shit, you fucking bitch.’
‘I don’t blame you for hating me, I was wrong, I see that now—’
Natasha interrupted me sharply. ‘How’s Emily?’
‘She’s fine. Yes … fit and well. We’re looking after her.’
‘And Nick? Still alive, or so I gather.’
‘Yes. You hurt him pretty badly, but he’s okay now.’ I paused, not knowing what to say next. She had no reason to trust me; she would think I was setting her up again. How could I make her see that this time I really wanted to help?
‘So why are you calling, Jen?’ she said. ‘To gloat? I understand my situation. I know I’m stuck.’
‘Please, just hear me out. We’re flying to Toronto next Wednesday, the three of us. It’s supposed to be a recce, but I’ve a feeling Nicky’s planning on staying there for good.’ I heard a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line.
‘And?’
‘You’re a loose end, Natasha.’
‘Yes,’ she croaked. ‘I know.’
‘Nicky wants to start a new life, he wants everything tidied up. I honestly don’t know what he’s planning, but I’m frightened he’ll …’ I couldn’t say the words. ‘He won’t do it himself, he’ll send someone else. It’ll happen while we’re away, do you understand?’
Her voice trembled. ‘Why are you telling me this?’
‘Because I’ve had enough, and I don’t want any more part in it. This is all wrong. Emily should be with you. She’s okay, but I know she misses you.’
‘If this is another trick, Jen …’
‘It’s not. I promise on my life. I’m taking a huge risk doing this.’
‘Doing what? Phoning me?’
‘Listen. We’re driving down to Heathrow on Tuesday evening, staying at the Grand Metropole near the airport. If you can get there for seven o’clock, I’ll bring Emily down to the car park and hand her over.’ There was silence. ‘Honestly, Natasha, I’m not trying to lure you somewhere. This is a public place.’
‘What about you?’
‘I’ll drive away … It’s over between me and Nicky.’
There was a long pause as she weighed my words for truthfulness. ‘How will you do it without him knowing?’
‘I haven’t worked that out yet, but I’ll think of something.’
‘Where are you calling from? Are you still in the Lake District?’
‘Don’t come up here,’ I said. ‘If you do, he’ll kill us both, he won’t care. He’s mad, I hardly know him any more. This is the best way, Natasha, the only way. If you don’t take this chance, he’ll take Emily to Canada and you’ll never see each other again. You’re in danger, believe me. I know it sounds strange, but this time I really am the only person you can trust.’
Another pause. ‘Okay. The car park of the Grand Metropole, Heathrow,’ she repeated. ‘Next Tuesday. Seven p.m. I’ll be there.’
‘Natasha—’
The line went dead.
38
Then
Natasha
* * *
I dropped the phone into my lap and leaned back against the headboard. Had I just spoken to Jen, or had I imagined it? I looked down at the handset. No, it had been real enough. Her words were still spinning through my head; I could hear her voice, anxious and breathy – so unlike the Jen I knew of old, always so silver-tongued, so clipped and confident.
I went back over the story she’d told me. Nick had recovered from the attack, but the situation between them had soured. Jen could no longer cope with him or Emily and wanted out. Now she was offering to give Emily back, at great personal risk to herself. Sparks of hope were firing off in my brain as I imagined the handover in the hotel car park, the feel of Emily’s soft, sweet body in my arms, the sense of triumph as we drove away. I’d never wanted anything so much.
Then I checked myself.
Jen was a brilliant actress. She and Nick had deceived me before – it would be insanely stupid to walk into another trap. They were clever, as well as monstrous. They’d have worked out that the offer of Emily would be the only way to persuade me to show myself. It was the ultimate bait, too tempting to resist. But if I turned up at some anonymous car park, I’d be making myself a target. I could be attacked by hit men, kidnapped and murdered. It sounded a bit extreme, even absurd, like something out of a movie, but they’d tried to kill me once and failed. My life was in danger. Jen had said as much herself.
She’d sounded desperate, terrified of Nick. If she was telling the truth and he was planning to take Emily to Canada, I had to stop him. There was no point trying to get a court order; there wasn’t time and he would use some Rottweiler lawyer to challenge it. As Emily’s father, he had a right to take her abroad for a month without my permission. Once he’d gone, it could take months, even years to get her back legally.
I sighed to myself. Nick and I h
ad gone well beyond the law anyway. We were fighting in our own murky world where rules didn’t exist, using whatever weapons came to hand. Maybe Jen’s call was a set-up, or maybe she’d finally seen the light and changed sides for real this time. I couldn’t know for sure, but if there was the slightest chance of rescuing Emily, I had to take it. If I was wrong and ended up with a knife in my chest, then so be it. Life without my little girl was barely worth living anyway.
But how would I get to the Grand Metropole, and how would I make my escape? Running off to the nearest Tube with Emily in my arms was too risky, and cabs were unreliable. I needed my own wheels, but without a full driving licence I wouldn’t be able to hire a car. I climbed off the bed and went to the window. Mum’s tired old Fiesta was parked outside the house. It was the obvious solution, but she wouldn’t let me drive it on my own: her insurance would be invalid, and if anything went wrong, she wouldn’t be able to afford a new car.
She was downstairs, having something to eat before she went to do her cleaning shift. I slipped on my flip-flops and pulled my hair back into a ponytail, glancing at myself briefly in the wardrobe mirror. I looked thin and fatigued, even though I’d spent the last few weeks lying on my bed doing nothing and feeling defeated. But my eyes had a new, feverish glint in them. Should I tell her about Jen’s call? I went to the bedroom door, but my fingers paused, refusing to turn the handle.
I suspected that if I told Mum, she would offer to drive me to the rendezvous. I didn’t want to put her at risk too. It was starting to occur to me that getting Emily back wouldn’t be the end of our troubles; it might only be the beginning. Nick would be absolutely furious; he’d be sure to come after us. He’d use all his wealth to fight me, by means fair or foul. He would quickly work out where Emily and I were living, and we’d never be safe. I wouldn’t be able to leave her with Mum or ever let her out of my sight. When she was old enough to start school, I’d be anxious every time we walked down the street in case she was abducted, terrified of arriving to collect her and finding Nick had got there first. No, we’d have to leave the area, find a new home, a whole new life. I’d probably have to change our names and live in secret, but even then, I’d be constantly looking over my shoulder, expecting somebody to pounce and grab Emily off me.