Surprised, he looks up.
“What?”
I crack a smile, feeling self-conscious as I step up onto the treads. “Weighting, waiting. They’re homonyms. It’s wordplay, Noah. Lighten up.”
For a second I think he doesn’t get it. Then I hear him laugh behind me, a kind of guilty snicker that reminds me of a little kid.
“That’s bananas,” he says.
I laugh too, but quickly stop when I see Terra Donahue staring at me. Sobering, I quickly choose a path for my workout and start running. It’s stupid, but it feels like a first step. Toward a new kind of friendship.
And so it is. Over the next two weeks, little by little, we begin talking in the hallways. Taking walks during free time. Because in a lot of ways, just like that first night, he surprises me. The way he won’t push me when I don’t feel like talking. The way he’ll be silent for half an hour, just staring into an unseen world, and then suddenly he won’t shut up. Mostly, how he sees life in a way I don’t expect, a way I’d never see it myself.
Where I’m a volcano, erupting when the pressure becomes too great, Noah is an ocean, endless and deep. Something about the way he quietly observes, it soothes me. And the more time we spend together, the more I see his depth—and the height of the waves that paralyze him when stirred by winds of uncertainty.
Every day grows more natural, each conversation easier. The weeks turn into months.
Until one Sunday afternoon.
That day, Chloe and I are assigned the task of pruning ivy in the cafeterias. Ivy is like a weed, growing almost anywhere, surviving almost anything. I’m up on a ladder, clipping off long tendrils and letting them fall into Chloe’s bin.
“I know it’s impossible,” I tell her as I work. “Because you’d burn through your oxygen too fast. But think about it. I could be the first person to run a marathon on Mars. I mean, technically I’ve already come close. But I’m talking about out there, on actual dirt.”
Chloe nods absently. Then she asks, “Um… are you and Noah dating?”
I’m so blindsided, I nearly drop my shears.
“What?”
“Noah Hartmann,” Chloe says, not looking up at me. “Everyone says you’re dating now.”
“No. We’re not.”
“Do you want to be?” she asks.
“That… you don’t… that doesn’t matter,” I splutter. “We can’t date. It’s one of the rules. And anyway, that’s no one’s business. Who told you that?”
I attack the ivy plant and lop off a giant strip. When I realize she hasn’t answered, I look down and find that she’s crying.
“Hey, what’s going on?”
I slide down the ladder to face her. And immediately I know.
“You like him,” I say.
“No,” she says. “I don’t… it doesn’t matter.”
“It does,” I say quietly.
I don’t know what to do. Chloe is the only friend I’ve made since coming to Mars. I don’t want to hurt her. And yet, the last two months with Noah… in a strange way, it’s felt almost like having a home again. But it hasn’t been anything more than a friendship.
Has it?
After giving Chloe vague assurances about the situation, I finish my duties. But I can’t help feeling nervous. Because now that I’m considering it, I realize how much Noah frightens me. Just being around him makes me want to share things that I would normally keep buried. Things I haven’t shared since the divorce. It feels like a nerve being reattached, painful and sensitive. But it’s also hungry. This desire to know and be known has grown wild in its long captivity. And the longer I deny it, the more desperate it seems to become.
When I see him that night during free time, I’m guarded. I find myself watching his lips when he talks, how his eyebrows go up when he listens. Though I don’t know what any of it means, I know I’ve entered an uncharted world. And I begin to realize that, even more than hurting Chloe, I’m terrified of getting hurt myself.
But I don’t get hurt. Because that night the doctors Revise our friendship.
Maybe they see heartbreak coming for one, or all of us. Maybe they see it as mercy. Whatever the reason, the next morning I’ve forgotten the past few weeks. It’s just as if they never happened. Chloe and I have nothing wedged between us. Noah and I are strangers.
Yet there is a trace of a feeling that remains. A tension I can’t identify, circling around him in an orbit. My confusion, my discomfort, all the uncertainties and hopes that were never answered, they cloud the way I see him. So I avoid him.
But week after week he watches me, feelings simmering under the surface. Wishing he could find words to express what he no longer understands.
Finally, the memories fade and I come back to myself in the darkness, tears still brimming in my eyes. Our friendship was stolen from us.
And I never knew.
Yet despite his memories being erased, it never changed what Noah felt for me. Did it change what I felt for him? If the doctors hadn’t intervened, would I have risked trusting him fully? When given the chance, I chose to stay the night in his pod—even knowing it would wound my dearest friend. Which means, my tendency was still to be close to him. Right?
How close would he get if I allowed him?
I’m brought to my senses by the lights clicking on around me. I have no time to react. No presence of mind to ready my Verced. Swift footfalls move toward me, and then their owner rounds the side of the cylinder.
Chapter Fourteen
“What are you doing?”
Terra scowls at me as she pauses beside a bioreactor. She clicks off a tiny blinking device in her hand. I stare at her in a daze.
“Huh?”
“I said, what—are—you—doing?” she repeats each word deliberately, as if I’m a child. “You’re supposed to be hiding, not out in plain sight.” Her eyes narrow. “God, Lizzy. What, are you crying?”
“No,” I say, wiping my nose on my jumpsuit. Reliving these memories so soon after the glade should make me nauseated. But as I struggle to my feet, I’m surprised to find that I actually feel a little better. The weight of the knot has eased.
“Liar,” Terra sneers. She adopts a mocking tone. “Oh, what happened, Lizzy? Did you finally realize you’re not very popular around here? Is that why you’re sad?”
“This isn’t about the glade,” I mutter.
“No? Then why are you sitting in here blubbering?”
I hesitate.
“None of your business.”
This sets her off. She closes the gap between us in two steps, and for a second I think she’s going to hit me again.
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t turn you in right now,” she says acidly. “One good reason.”
“Why don’t you?” I yell back at her. Suddenly I don’t care if the doctors hear me. All of the tension, the fear, the lies, the sadness, the loss of Noah and his memories, it’s broken free, and I don’t care to contain it anymore. “Isn’t that what you’ve wanted all along? To prove you’re better? Why did you even help me in the first place?”
For a second her features are stiff as iron. Then a cold smile curls her lips.
“None of your business.”
We just glare, each daring the other to take it further. But we don’t. Slowly the tension bleeds out of the room like oxygen sucked from an airlock.
“They took him,” I say, averting my gaze.
“Who?”
“Noah,” I say bitterly. “They’re probably scanning his mind right now, trying to figure out who I’ve been working with. Assuming your rebels haven’t already told.”
“They haven’t,” she says. “I’ve been working on some of them for a couple days. Even if they think you’re crazy, they know I’m not.”
Beside me, one of the bioreactors beeps and starts whirring.
“We need to get him back,” I say.
“Noah?”
“Yes, Noah. Who else?”
Now her
smile isn’t cold but triumphant.
“So there is something going on between you. I told Chloe. She practically bit my head off, saying your ‘sleeping arrangements’ were innocent, but I told her—”
“There’s nothing between us,” I snap, and this time I’m in her face. She just laughs.
“Yeah, okay. Whatever. But like you said, they’ve probably got a Stitch on him by now.”
“Then we need to act,” I say, lowering my voice. “We go for Dosset—now. It’s our only chance of stopping him before Noah’s memories are gone.” I don’t say it, but that old fear is growing in the back of my head, that rather than erase every troublesome memory, they’ll simply erase me from Noah’s mind entirely.
I’m the root of the problem, after all.
“No, we need to think,” Terra replies. “This is your problem, Elizabeth. You think that because you’ve got all the memories, your feelings are more important than the rest of ours. Well, they’re not. Noah is gone. Blindly rushing after him will just put the rest of us in danger.”
“Then what do you suggest?” I demand.
“Well, you said it took them days to break Atkinson. Why should Noah be different?”
“Because with Atkinson, they had obstacles. Noah didn’t take a double dose of Verced right before they caught him.”
“Okay, fine. Then we’ve got, what—a couple hours? We’ll just have to rush the plan.”
I grind my teeth in frustration. My thoughts keep racing down the corridor, through the Helix, and up into the room where Dosset is interrogating Noah. Torturing him, even. But gradually, stubbornly, I realize that Terra is right. If I want to help him, I can’t just react on emotion. I have to use my head. If anyone can outsmart Dosset, it’s me.
If later I find that Noah doesn’t remember me, well… I’ll just use a Stitch to put the memories back into his head.
“Fine,” I mutter.
A grin twists her pretty features, as if she thinks she’s won the conversation.
“See, was that so bad? If you’d just listen to me more often, we wouldn’t have so many problems together.”
“The rebellion won’t work, Terra,” I say resignedly. “They’re never going to believe me.”
“I know. That’s why you’ll be sitting in here hiding, while I’ll be winning them over. Chloe can get the Stitch while Romie finishes the EMP.” Her smile widens. “We all have a part to play, Elizabeth. Yours is staying out of my way.”
“You’re not—”
“No, I am. I think we’ve all had enough of you throwing our memories in our faces, acting like you know something about us. This time I’m not going to let you ruin things for me.”
We regard each other evenly. Whatever pleasure she took from pushing me around has dried up. Now she’s turned cold and fierce, a vein of bitterness running beneath her words.
And if I’m honest, I don’t know that I blame her. To her, it probably seems as if I’ve only been thinking about myself. Because in many ways, I have.
Maybe if I could get out of the way, things would start working for once.
“Okay,” I say. “Go for it.”
“You’re not going to fight me?” she says skeptically.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re probably right.”
This draws her up short, but only for a second.
“Of course I’m right. While I locate our rebels, I’ll send Chloe to the Wellness Suites for a Stitch. We’ll meet in the ice cave in two hours. Think you can get yourself over there in time?”
“I’m sure I’ll manage.”
She smiles again, more sweetly.
“I’m sure you will.”
Turning on her heel, she slinks out of sight. I lean against a bioreactor and listen to the door closing. Again the question surfaces in my mind, nagging me. I have to wonder: Why is Terra helping us?
Clearly, it has nothing to do with her liking me as a person. She can hardly stand me. And it doesn’t seem like her past is something she cherishes, either. At first, I felt certain she’d turn me in. Now, even more than Chloe and Romie, she seems determined to be sure we don’t fail. So again—why?
I can’t think of a good enough reason.
Every muscle aches as I ease back down to the floor, this time taking care to squeeze myself between a bioreactor and the wall. Five minutes pass, then ten. The lights slowly dim again, leaving me alone with myself.
Myself.
What is my part to play in all of this? Does it even matter? It’s funny how, even when I’m trying to help other people, I still end up thinking about myself. Meanwhile, those people end up falling through the cracks.
Like Noah. I wasn’t thinking about him. Not until he turned himself into a human shield for me. Certainly, I haven’t been thinking about Romie. Even after all he’s done. And of course Chloe. How many times have I—
Abruptly I sit up. The movement catches the motion sensors, triggering the lights to snap back on.
Chloe!
She still doesn’t know about Noah. More than most cadets, she has a direct tie to him. And to me. And when I first went missing, didn’t they send doctors to question her immediately? I’m sure they’ll do it again. Or maybe this time they’ll just drag her straight into the Helix.
The same could probably be said of Romie, but I have a feeling he’s already taken precautions. He’s likely been keeping an eye on the hacked security feed to alert him of any coming danger.
But I know Chloe. She won’t suspect a thing.
She’ll be totally defenseless.
I’ve already lost one friend today. I can’t just abandon another. Wriggling painfully out into the open, I push to my feet and jog toward the door, leaving my agreement with Terra forgotten among the shadows.
The time stamp announces sixteen hundred hours as I step back into the hallway. By the look of things, the colony has returned to some kind of normal. Maybe taking Noah prisoner has momentarily sated the doctors, who know that his mind holds the details they need to track me down.
The thought reminds me just how little time we have left.
So where is Chloe? I’ll bet Terra went straight to find her, to be sure Chloe had enough time to complete her task. Owing to the good fifteen minutes head start she had on me, they’ve probably already spoken—which means my best shot is to go straight to the Polar domes. Hopefully, I can intercept Chloe before Dosset does.
It’s nerve-racking, walking these halls. Since the announcement of my “sickness,” every cadet I encounter will be as good as a doctor. I cling to the sides of the corridors, slipping into service domes at the sound of approaching footsteps.
The effort is painstaking—and too time-consuming. With each disruption, I feel more convinced that I’ll be too late to help her.
By some miracle, I manage to reach the Wheel. I’ve just stepped into the Polar domes when I see her, Chloe, being led away by a pair of doctors. One on either side.
Just as when I stunned Terra, I don’t have time to think. I slip a hand into my pocket and retrieve my precious inoculators. Pop the caps. Move toward them with a determined stride. Lift my arm to strike—
I hit the first doctor in the neck, planting the tube with my fist. He cries out in surprise as I release the inoculator and turn to Doctor Varma, who has spun to face me. Disbelief is written across her features as I seize her wrist and pull it toward me, jabbing the other inoculator into the flesh of her forearm.
“Engram?” she mumbles.
The drugs don’t kick in immediately, and I cringe as the doctors attempt to shout for help. But they only stumble a few meters before they crumple to the ground.
My whole body tingles. Chloe’s eyes look as if they might fall out of her head.
“Lizzy, what are you doing?” she gasps, finally finding her voice. “You’re supposed to be in hiding! If the doctors catch you… they made an announcement—”
“I know,” I reply. “I ju
st… I knew they’d come for you, and I couldn’t let them get—” I stop myself short. I couldn’t let them get you too.
If it’s possible, her eyes have grown even wider.
“You knew they’d come for me?”
“I don’t have time to explain,” I tell her. “Just follow me, okay?”
With that I turn on my heel, heading toward the Wellness Suites. Chloe scurries to catch up.
One hall, two halls. Into the next dome. A security camera catches my eye, and I hiss at Chloe to keep her head down, but it doesn’t matter—I can already hear voices shouting behind us. Doubtless, they saw my attack on the fallen doctors.
We enter a wide hall with an arched cathedral ceiling, patterned silhouettes of bonsai trees along the glowing roof. I’m about to suggest we make a run for it and double back later when the lights abruptly flicker and go out.
It’s pitch black. I can’t even see Chloe right beside me.
“Lizzy,” she breathes. “What happened?”
At first, I don’t answer, my mind racing. Are they trying to trap us? Did the solar panels malfunction? I reject the thoughts as the voices grow louder, knowing we have precious little time. By feel, I pull Chloe along the wall, groping until I find a door handle.
Locked.
Confused shouting echoes around us. I can also hear a humming—the emergency runners trying to kick in. Any second, they’ll come to life and reveal us.
I conjure a mental image of the hallway just before the lights died. If we’re as far down the hall as I think we are, we should be in front of Shiffrin’s suite. And if so… I start pulling up memories at random, blindly dragging them out of the fog of my mind, searching for the key code, the key code… I can sense it, but the numbers are jumbled.
What was it?
“Lizzy,” Chloe insists.
“I know. Just give me a second.” I begin pressing the numbers by feel. But the lock sticks. I try again, switching the first two numbers. Still, nothing.
“What happened to the lights?” someone demands. Just meters behind us.
Biome Page 18