by Devney Perry
“Love you,” he whispered.
“Love you too.”
Hours later, my pinky promise was unnecessary because I’d vowed never to do drugs.
My gentle, sweet and loving boyfriend had turned into an arrogant asshole and this party had become a nightmare.
“Stop it, Wes. You’re being a jerk!” I shouted.
We were all partying in the basement and playing darts. I had been trying to ignore Wes’s disgusting, asshat comments but this last one was over the top. He had just announced to the entire room that I didn’t have enough sex with him.
“Hey, darlin’, I’m just being honest. I’m a hot commodity around Jamison County. You don’t want some other girl moving in on your territory just because you’re being a prude.”
“Wes,” Silas said. “Too far.”
“Fuck you, Grant. Stay the fuck out of it. This is between Lissy and me. She’s my girlfriend.”
“She isn’t going to be your anything for much longer if you don’t stop being a dick. You think you’re so hot you can get any girl? Let’s see how you do after I cool you off.” I threw my glass of ice water in his face.
“Fuck!” Wes yelled.
“And for the record, I faked it last night. I’m leaving. Don’t call me tomorrow.” I poked my finger in his chest and then turned to the stairs.
The room erupted in snickers, but I ignored it all, stomping up the stairs with my fists balled tight. I had just cleared the front door when I heard Silas behind me.
“Felicity! Wait!”
I stopped running when I got to the sidewalk and realized that I was stranded. “Damn it!” I yelled into the dark night. “I don’t have a car.”
Silas reached my side and slung an arm around my shoulders. “Come on. I’ll take you home.” He led me to his big, black truck and helped me hop in.
“Can you just take me somewhere else for a while? I don’t want to go home. I’ll just have to explain everything to Mom.”
“Sure. Where did you tell her you were going tonight?”
“Andrea’s.” I turned and stared out my window, so angry I wanted to cry. “That was humiliating. How could he do that to me?”
I hated crying in front of people, but this was just Silas so I let the tears fall.
What a monumentally stupid idea. I should never have made that deal with Wes. When his eyes had turned glassy after those first few hits, I had known that it had been a mistake. That my Wes had disappeared. And then everything had just gotten worse and worse.
But at least it was only this once. He’d never break his promise and try meth again.
“Don’t cry. He’ll sober up.” Silas took my hand in his.
“He better or I’m dumping him.”
By the time we pulled off into an empty campground overlooking the river, my eyes were dry and I could take in the view. Moonlight shimmered on the rippling water. The light dusting of snow on the riverbanks was glittering. The serene setting was just what I’d needed to feel better. Somehow Silas had known the perfect place to bring me.
“Sorry,” I said. “I’m really glad you were there tonight.”
“You don’t have to apologize. I’m just glad Jess is at the academy. He would have beat the piss out of Wes for what he said to you. I was about five seconds from doing it myself.”
“Please don’t tell Jess.” I turned on the bench seat and begged. “Please, please, Silas. He’ll freak out.” Adding my brother’s temper to the mix would make everything worse. He’d go ballistic and demand I tell him the whole story. I’d never be able to lie and he’d hate me if he knew I’d been wanting to try drugs. Then he’d be livid that Wes had done it instead and then they’d get in a fight. Jess could not find out about this. “Please, Silas.”
His jaw locked tight but he gave me a short nod.
I sighed. “Thank you.”
I kicked off my shoes, pulling my knees to my chest, and pointed my eyes back to the river. We both watched it flow as country music played softly on the radio.
“I’m sorry for wrecking your night,” I said.
“You didn’t wreck my night.”
“Sure I did. Andrea was hanging all over you tonight. You totally could have scored.”
He made a sour face. “I don’t want Andrea.”
“Oh, is there somebody else?”
He blew out a long breath before muttering, “Yeah. There’s somebody else.”
“What? Who?” I was shocked.
Silas had always been one for the casual flings and I’d never seen him seriously interested in a girl. If he was actually crushing on someone, that was a major development. Maybe if I knew who this girl was, the unexpected twinge of jealousy stuck in my side would go away.
“Not telling.”
“What? You can’t do that to me. Tell me. Tell me right now.” I started shaking his shoulder.
He laughed and pushed me away. “Knock it off and maybe one day I’ll tell you.”
“Don’t make me wait. Please tell me.”
He shook his head. “Nope.”
“You really won’t tell me who this mystery girl is? Even if I crossed my heart, my fingers, my toes and my eyes, swearing not to tell a soul for the rest of my life?”
He laughed as I tried to cross everything. “You’re going to hurt yourself. No, I won’t tell you. That secret’s mine for now, Felicity.” That was his final answer.
“Okay, fine.” I pouted but knew I’d pester it out of him eventually. We went back to watching the river until a random thought popped in my head. “You know, I’ve always wondered. Why don’t you call me ‘Lissy’ like everyone else?”
“You don’t like that nickname.”
My eyes widened and my chin fell. “What? You noticed that?”
“It’s hard not to notice you.” His eyes were pointed at the river and I couldn’t quite read him.
“Oh.” I studied his profile for a moment before looking to my lap. There was something behind his tone but I wasn’t sure what to call it. I’d never heard Silas talk like that before, all gentle and soft.
We sat quietly again and I started yawning. “I’m tired.” The clock on the dash read 2:41 a.m. “Can I lay down for a while?”
“Sure.” He reached into the back and pulled out a flannel blanket. “Here you go.”
I stretched out as best I could in the cramped space and ended up with my head on his thigh. “Is this okay?” I asked, looking up into his eyes. Silas’s eyes were always so warm and smooth. Like chocolate frosting on freshly baked cake.
“Yeah. It’s okay.”
“Will you talk to me about something?”
“About what?”
I didn’t care. Anything. His voice was so pretty, all manly and deep, I’d be happy to listen as he read the phonebook. “How about the ranch?”
“The Lucky Heart?”
“Yeah. Tell me what you love about it.” I snuggled further into his space and closed my eyes as he told me ideas he had for his family’s ranch. He spoke quietly but with passion, his soothing voice echoing in the truck, easing all my worries away. Just as I was drifting off to sleep, the brush of his fingertips lifted a chunk of fallen hair from my forehead.
“Get some sleep, Lis,” he said.
I smiled.
“Lissy” I didn’t like.
“Lis” I did.
I drifted off to sleep, thinking that Silas Grant just might know me better than anyone else.
A few hours later, I woke to angry voices outside his truck. He’d driven us back to the farm.
“You fucked up.”
“I know. Fuck. I was really out of it.”
“Don’t do it again,” Silas warned Wes.
“Never. I swear. Where’s my girlfriend?”
The door opened and I propped myself up to look into Wes’s apologetic face. “I’m mad at you.”
“I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.”
The sincerity written on his face weakened my resolve not to ta
lk to him for a week. “You were so mean to me.”
“I know. I’m really fucking sorry.” I didn’t protest as he pulled me from the truck and cradled me in his arms. With his face buried in my hair, he apologized over and over. “Forgive me?”
“Forgiven. But no more drugs. Ever, Wes. You promised.”
“Right. No more drugs,” he said and started carrying me inside the house.
I looked over his shoulder at Silas and mouthed, “Thank you.”
He jerked up his chin but didn’t say a word. His frame was locked tight and he looked furious. But there was something else too. Pain, maybe? I couldn’t quite tell.
Along with that look, a mixture of new feelings swirled in my head.
I was confused about the boy I was dating, and the man standing outside that boy’s house.
Tears flooded my eyes as I clutched the picture to my chest. The guilt was so crippling and painful, I rocked back and forth to keep from getting sick.
The promises Wes had made me that night had all been shattered. He’d gotten addicted to the high and had never stopped using. For months, he’d managed to hide it from me and his family, but then it had started to dominate his life and he hadn’t been able to keep it a secret any longer. By the time I had graduated from high school that spring, he’d become a different person.
Wes’s drug addiction had been my fault. If I had never suggested doing something wild, he never would have started using. He never would have been cooking and selling meth. He never would have been stabbed by a rival drug dealer.
He never would have died.
This would have been his house. He would have been working the farm. Jack and Annie would have grandkids by now and be traveling the world like they’d always dreamed for their retirement. Instead, their dreams had been shattered too.
A cry escaped my mouth and I slapped a hand over my lips to contain the ones that followed.
“Oh, Lissy.” Jack rushed to my side. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into his chest. “It’s okay. Let it out.”
His comfort just made the cries come faster. I didn’t deserve his pity. He had lost his son because of me and I had been a coward for years, never fessing up. He deserved to know that I was the one to blame and that he couldn’t pin it all on Wes.
“I’m so sorry, Jack.”
“Let’s not go there. Not tonight. We’ll get to that one day. Or maybe we won’t. It doesn’t matter now.”
“But it does. I—”
“Hush now.” I leaned back and looked into his eyes. They were brimming with tears. “I’ve made peace with it all, Lissy. Someday, you will too. For now, let’s just remember how much we loved Wes and leave the rest as history. But you keep that picture, okay?”
I nodded and leaned in for another hug with the frame sandwiched between us. Jack wasn’t ready to hear about the past, and if I was honest with myself, I wasn’t ready for the truth to come out. Not yet.
It would, soon enough.
“He loved you so much.”
Jack’s words only made the pain in my chest burn hotter.
“I loved him too,” I whispered. Just not enough. If I had truly loved Wes, I never would have broken his heart.
“Last box done!” I flopped back onto my bed and smiled at the ceiling. “I live here.”
The feeling of being completely unpacked was like none other. I had been diligently unpacking every night this week and was now savoring my job well done. All I had left to do was to put out my framed pictures, but I wasn’t quite ready for those yet. First, I wanted to get some more recent photos of my family.
The house I’d rented was in a nice, established neighborhood about six blocks from Main Street. I’d chosen this house because it was within walking distance to the café and downtown. It was small but still twice the size my Seattle apartment had been.
The main floor had a square kitchen, small breakfast nook and living room. Upstairs was my master suite plus a guest bedroom and bathroom. The small alcove at the top of the stairs was now my office area.
The ringing doorbell had me pushing off my bed and scurrying downstairs.
“Hey,” I greeted Jess and Gigi. “What are you guys doing here?”
“Hi!” Gigi leaned in for a hug. “We came to see if you wanted to have drinks with us tonight.” She came in and started inspecting my house. Jess bent to kiss my cheek and followed his wife inside.
“Um, I’m not really dressed for drinks.” I was wearing a pair of ratty jeans and a plain black T-shirt. My hair was up in a ponytail because I hadn’t washed it today and my makeup had long ago been rubbed away.
“You look fine for the bars around here,” Jess said.
“Please come with us,” Gigi said. “We rarely get a sitter and it’ll be months before we can all hang out without the kids again.”
“How do you say no to that face?” I asked my brother. Gigi was giving me sad eyes and a small pout.
“It’s not easy.” He pulled her into his side for a steamy kiss.
“Fine. I’ll go.” It wasn’t like I couldn’t binge-watch Gossip Girl reruns tomorrow. “Give me five to freshen up. When you two get done kissing, feel free to take the self-guided tour.”
I rushed upstairs and swiped on some mascara, eye shadow and red lipstick. Then I cuffed my jeans and pulled on some six-inch heels and my black leather motorcycle jacket. It wasn’t my usual stylish “out for drinks” attire but it would do in a pinch.
“Ready!” I said as I rounded the corner of the stairs. The smile on Gigi’s face fell. “What?” I asked and looked down at myself. Had I ripped the crotch out of my jeans on accident?
“Give us commoners a chance, will you?”
“Ha! Like you’re one to talk.” Gigi made heads turn wherever she went.
“Jesus,” Jess muttered. “You’re both beautiful. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
“Oh wait! I bought a bottle of champagne to celebrate when I unpacked everything. I just unloaded the last box before you got here. You can celebrate with me.” I hustled to the fridge and pulled out the bottle.
“Let’s just drink at the bar,” Jess said.
“This will take five whole minutes and I doubt the Prescott bars will have this type of champagne.” When it came to my bubbly, I always splurged.
“I better skip the glass,” Gigi said. “I’m the designated driver.”
I rolled my eyes. “A glass of champagne is not going to impair your driving abilities.”
“That’s okay,” she said. “I’m going to pass.”
“Seriously?”
Gigi didn’t answer but instead looked to Jess, who was intently studying my ceiling.
“Okay, what’s going on? You two are acting weird.”
“Nothing,” Gigi blurted. “I just don’t want any champagne.”
“Says the woman who is never without a glass of wine in her hand.”
Gigi’s eyes darted to the floor. I looked at Jess, who was now studying his boots, then back to Gigi. The two of them were definitely hiding something.
“You’re pregnant,” I guessed.
Gigi’s eyes shot to mine and Jess threw his hands in the air. “Told you we could have just told her.”
“Well, I didn’t know she was going to try and force-feed me champagne and that she had your super sleuthing abilities,” Gigi fired back.
Jess opened his mouth to retort but I interrupted. “Before you two get into one of your cute, albeit lengthy, debates, can we get back to the pregnancy news? You’re having another baby?”
Gigi nodded as a huge smile spread across her face.
“I’m so happy for you guys!” I rushed to give her a hug and then one for my brother.
“It’s early so we’re not telling people yet,” Gigi said.
“My lips are sealed. When are you due?”
“Mid-July. We’ll get a more specific date after my doctor’s appointment next month.”
“Awesome.” I n
ever got to hold Ben when he was a newborn or see Rowen meet her little brother. Now that I was home, I would be fully participating in all other family milestones. I had missed too much already.
“Can we get going now?” Jess asked. “Or did you two want to stand out here and plan the baby shower while our sitter charges us twenty-five fucking dollars an hour?”
Gigi gave him an exaggerated scowl and I jabbed him in the ribs with my knuckle.
“Maybe you could help babysit the kids while we’re in the hospital?” Gigi asked as we walked outside. “Rowen would love that.”
Babysitting? “Uh, sure.” Rowen I could handle. Ben? Yikes. He still looked at me like I was a stranger, and any time I got close, he’d cry and run away. I had until the summer to get him to like me. Maybe I’d start bribing him with candy and toys.
I think that was how Mom got him to cuddle with her all the time. Her pockets were always full of chocolates.
“Can I run an idea by you guys?” I asked as Gigi drove us downtown. “I want to ask Mom to move in with me.”
“Good luck,” Jess mocked. “I asked her to move for years but finally gave up when she wouldn’t budge. I tried again last year. Offered to build her a cottage out by the farmhouse but she still said no.”
“What? Why?” The old trailer where we’d grown up was practically falling apart. Mom had neglected it for so long, some of the damage was irreparable. Jess had done his best to keep it up but there wasn’t much to be done when you had such a poor foundation to build upon.
“I think she feels like it would be a burden on us,” Gigi said. “She’s already so sensitive about her episodes and I think she likes living in town.”
“Well, my place is close to downtown and she could walk. Plus, I’d be there in case something happens to her. I’m going to ask her unless you think I shouldn’t.”
“Fine with me,” Jess said. “I’ll help do whatever to get her out of that shithole.”
Our conversation about Mom was cut short when we parked in front of the Claim Jumper bar. It was one of the few buildings in Prescott I hadn’t been inside before.
The room was long and narrow with dark wood paneling. The bar ran along one side of the room and a row of tall tables along its opposite. The mirrored shelves behind the bar were crowded with liquor bottles and old Montana license plates. Other Montana paraphernalia adorned the walls between multiple flat-screen TVs, including a framed state flag, a painted saw mill blade and a bison skull decorated with feathers and turquoise beads.