by Vikki Vaught
Kathryn thought it was so sweet of Jonathan to plan all this for her. She was getting a bit nervous because she couldn’t understand why he’d gone to this much trouble when they wouldn’t be consummating their marriage. “I’m confused Jonathan.” Then she noticed there was only one door in the room. She went over, opened it, and found that it was a bedroom. “Jonathan, there’s only one bedroom. Where are you supposed to sleep?”
Looking Kathryn in the eye, Jonathan replied, “We’re going to sleep together in that bed. Just because we aren’t going to make love doesn’t mean we can’t sleep together. I promise…I just want to sleep with you—nothing else. I think that you enjoyed it when I held you earlier in the carriage, now didn’t you?”
“I did enjoy it, but when I’m in bed, I wear my night rail. That’s quite different from you holding me in my day clothes. I don’t want to do this. I’ve never slept with anyone before. I’ll be too nervous to sleep.” This was starting to alarm her. The very thought of sleeping with him frightened her. “No, I definitely don’t want to do this.”
Jonathan stepped over to Kathryn, then pulling her into his arms, gently said, “I want you to do this for me. Just for tonight, I want you to try it. If you don’t sleep well, then we won’t do it again. You know darling, marriage is not just about making love. I want us to be close to each other physically, without making love. Will you do it for me, please?”
Kathryn looked at him with trepidation in her eyes, but then in a trembling voice, she said, “I guess…we can try it, but I’m sure that I won’t be able to sleep, and then I’ll be tired all day tomorrow.”
Releasing Kathryn, Jonathan casually said, “Why don’t you go into the bedroom and change into your night rail? I’m going to change out here. Then we’ll have dinner.”
Kathryn looked at Jonathan with embarrassment in her eyes. “I’ll need you to unbutton my gown and l-loosen my corset.” Jonathan gently turned her around and quickly did it for her. Kathryn could feel his fingers brushing against her as they released each button, and it sent sensations running through her body.
Jonathan kissed the nape of her neck. “All done. Just let me know if you need any more help.”
Kathryn walked to the door, opened it, and entered the bedroom to change. While she changed into her night rail, which was thick white muslin and buttoned up to her neck, she realized that a small part of her was excited about sleeping with Jonathan. She had enjoyed it when he held her in the carriage, and she did want them to be close.
If it would make Jonathan happy, then it would be worth it. Kathryn had promised to obey him, so she guessed this was the first example of it. She sat down at the dressing table and took down her hair. Once it was loose, she brushed it until it shone, and then braided it so it wouldn’t tangle while she slept. Standing up, she took a deep breath and walked to the door, opened it, and entered the sitting room.
Jonathan was already sitting at the table, pouring them each a glass of champagne, when Kathryn entered the room. “Sweetheart, come here. I’ve poured you some champagne. I’ve already ordered our food, so it should be here shortly.”
As Kathryn took her seat, she surreptitiously looked over at Jonathan and noticed he was wearing a dark blue, silk dressing gown over his nightshirt. His nightshirt opened at the neck and there was some hair peeking out. She wondered if he had hair all over his broad chest. Kathryn also noticed his powerful arms, and as he moved them, she could see his muscles straining against the fabric of his dressing gown. When she realized what she was doing, she blushed and looked down.
“Are you all right? You seem a little flushed. Is it too warm in here for you? I built up the fire while you got undressed. I must have been overzealous. Maybe I should open a window for a moment.”
Jonathan started to get up, but before he could stand up, Kathryn hurriedly said, “No, I’m comfortable. I’m just not used to seeing a man in his nightclothes. The fire actually feels wonderful.”
Kathryn picked up her glass and took a sip of champagne, trying to calm her nerves. She wished the food would hurry up and arrive—she was starting to feel very uncomfortable. There was a knock on the door, and she breathed a sigh of relief as Jonathan got up to open it.
The servant brought the food in and placed it on the cart, then departed. The food smelled delicious, and Kathryn realized she was famished. Jonathan took the cover off and served her. As she ate and sipped her champagne, she again glanced casually over at Jonathan. He was eating with gusto and was obviously comfortable being in his nightclothes in front of her, so she tried to relax and enjoy her meal. Jonathan kept topping off her glass, and soon she felt slightly tipsy, but it was helping her relax. By the time Jonathan served the lemon custard for dessert, which was a favorite of hers, she felt much more comfortable.
Once they were finished eating, Jonathan said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I need to put some ointment on my knee. I usually put it on twice a day, and I missed this afternoon, so my knee is feeling a bit stiff.”
Looking sympathetic, Kathryn said, “I’m sorry that your knee’s hurting you. By all means, please go ahead and put the ointment on it. I’m just going to sit here and drink the rest of my champagne.” Jonathan went to his bag and got the ointment, took a seat on the sofa, raised his nightshirt to above his knee, and began applying the ointment. He was so matter of fact about it that she wasn’t uncomfortable.
Kathryn noticed the scars, and his knee looked red and swollen. “Jonathan, do you need to put ice on your knee? I understand that ice can help the swelling. Does your knee become swollen every day?”
“It’s worse today than usual because I missed my afternoon treatment,” Jonathan explained. While he continued to rub ointment on his knee, he continued, “Normally, Hatton rubs the ointment on and then wraps my knee with cold compresses, which keeps the swelling down. I know that it’s not a pretty sight, but I’m just grateful I didn’t lose my leg.”
“Thank goodness you were able to keep it. Do you take anything to help the pain?”
“I usually take a dose of laudanum, which does help the pain. I fought against taking the laudanum for years, but what I was doing was using excessive liquor instead, and it didn’t work nearly as well as the laudanum does. So now, I take a dose of laudanum in the afternoon, then another dose at night before I go to bed. I sleep much better now than I used to.”
While Kathryn watched Jonathan, she continued to sip her champagne. “I know you need the laudanum for the pain, but be very careful that you don’t use too much. It’s very easy to get addicted to it. Of course, when I was taking it, I took large doses numerous times a day trying to forget the pain of what my uncle did to me. Even though Henry and Melody stopped him that time, it brought up all the memories of the times before when there wasn’t anybody there to stop him.”
Pulling his nightshirt back over his knees, Jonathan said, “I saw several men getting addicted to it while I was recovering in hospital. That’s why I fought against taking any, but as long as I only take it in small doses, the doctor has assured me that I shouldn’t become addicted. Will it bother you, seeing me take it?”
“I’d rather not see you take the laudanum, and I certainly don’t want to know where you keep it. I had a nightmare the other night and woke up wishing I had some to take, and it frightened me. I don’t ever want to go through being addicted again. It was horribly painful to get off the laudanum. I know you need it, so please take it when you need to, but I would rather not be around.”
Walking over to the table, Jonathan smiled. “I took my dose while you were getting changed. I’ll make sure you don’t see it, or me taking any, all right? Well, I’m really quite tired tonight, so why don’t we retire to our bed?” Kathryn looked over at him with apprehension in her lovely eyes. “I promise all we’re going to do is sleep. I would love to hold you in my arms, but if that’s too much for you, I’ll understand.”
Jonathan pulled her by the hand and they entered the bedroom. He led he
r around to the right side of the bed, pulled the covers back, picked her up, and laid her down. Then he smiled and pulled the covers up, tucked them under her chin, and playfully touched her nose. He walked around to the other side, slipped out of his dressing gown, lifted the covers, then slid into bed. Kathryn was lying there, stiff as a statute, as he eased over and gathered her in his arms.
Gently stroking Kathryn’s shoulder, Jonathan murmured, “It’s all right. Nothing is going to happen. Just try to relax and enjoy being close to each other. Now, doesn’t this feel nicer than sleeping in a cold bed, alone?” As he continued to softly stroke her shoulder, he hummed to himself. Slowly, Kathryn felt herself begin to relax. She thought that it did feel nice to be with him instead of a cold bed. Jonathan was very warm, and as she lay there, she drifted off to sleep.
Chapter 16
October 12, 1823
Jonathan woke up just as dawn was beginning to break. Kathryn was cuddled up close to him. There was just enough light to see her beautiful face as he looked down at her. Last night had taken every ounce of control he had in him to keep from frightening her. Lying next to her, but not making love, had been torture, but he knew that the only way she was ever going to accept him was if they were physically close. He wanted her to be so used to him that she didn’t think twice about him touching her. The last thing he wanted was for Kathryn to feel his arousal, so he continued to mentally beat it down as he lay there holding her in his arms.
Kathryn reminded him of a pet he had as a child. He found the dog beaten and bruised, and he had nursed him back to health. At first, the dog would growl when he came near, but once the dog knew he wasn’t going to hurt him, he quit tensing up and growling every time he soothed his pain. Eventually, Max followed him all around everywhere, and they were the best of friends for many years. He hadn’t thought of Max in years. He’d been a faithful friend and companion throughout his adolescent years.
Kathryn was emotionally scarred by the trauma she’d experienced with her uncle. It made her wary of physical contact, just like Max had been, so he would have to gently guide her into physical touching. His brilliance at thinking of getting this bridal suite and convincing Kathryn to sleep with him, amazed even him. He was actually proud of her for allowing him to lay in bed with her last night. He knew she was scared to death, yet she still let him hold her, and she fell asleep when she thought she wouldn’t be able to.
This was definitely a good start on eventually being able to make love to her. He knew it could take months, maybe even as long as a year, before she would be able to respond sexually to him, but he hoped it wouldn’t take that long. He just needed to keep taking these small steps daily, and soon she would move beyond her fear. She obviously trusted him, or she would never have gotten into bed with him, let alone let him hold her. Yes, this was definitely a good start.
Looking over at the window, Jonathan watched the sky lighten further. He felt such a huge sense of rightness over his marriage to Kathryn. She was going to be a wonderful mother to Frankford and Jane, and hopefully, once he got her to move beyond her fear of intimacy, she would have her own children to shower her love on. Frankford and Jane already loved her, and she loved them. Yes, God had certainly blessed him when he put Kathryn in his life. Saying a brief prayer of thanks as he smiled contentedly, he slowly closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep.
Kathryn woke up and realized she was still in Jonathan’s arms. She’d slept the entire night without any problems. She’d been sure she wouldn’t be able to sleep, but she was wrong, and she felt more refreshed than usual. It felt comfortable and safe lying next to him with his arm around her. Her hand was lying on his chest, and she could feel the soothing beat of his heart. Again, she wondered if hair covered his entire chest. Another button on his nightshirt had slipped open, and she could see more hair than last night. She felt tempted to slip another button open and peek at his chest.
Jonathan was sleeping so soundly that surely he wouldn’t feel it, if she was very careful. She slowly slid the button out of its hole and gently pushed open his nightshirt and saw silky–looking, black hair scattered across his chest. She wanted to touch the hair and see if it felt as silky to the touch as it looked, but she knew she could never do that. If he woke up, she would be so embarrassed, and he might think it permission to touch her breasts. She looked up and found herself staring into Jonathan’s blue eyes.
He smiled. “Good morning, my beauty. Did you sleep well? I know I did. I can’t remember when I’ve awakened feeling so refreshed. Are you hungry? I’m starving. I think I’ll get up and go order us some breakfast. Is there anything in particular that you want?”
Jonathan pulled back the covers. His nightshirt had pulled up during the night, and she saw his muscular thighs. She knew she should look away, but the hair that lightly dusted his legs mesmerized her. As he stood up, his nightshirt fell back down, covering his thighs.
Picking up his dressing gown, Jonathan put it on, turned around, and said, “Well, are you going to stay in bed all morning, or are you going to get up and help me find us our breakfast? You know, your braid came undone during the night, and your glorious hair is falling down around your shoulders. Will you sit up so I can see all that amazing hair?”
Looking embarrassed, but wanting to please him, she sat up, and her hair fell down to her waist. “Ah, what an incredible sight. I wish you could wear your hair down all the time. It truly is beautiful. I’ve imagined what it would look like down, and it surpasses my greatest expectations. Well, I’ll leave you to your morning ablutions. Will you need any help with your buttons?”
Shyly looking down, Kathryn replied, “I’m not sure what Sarah packed for me, but I’m sure that I’ll be able to manage. I’ll see you in a bit.”
Kathryn watched as Jonathan limped out of their room. Once he closed the door, she jumped out of bed, went behind the screen, and used the chamber pot. She found a pitcher of water on the washstand and poured the water into the basin. It was freezing cold, but she wasn’t going to tell him that. She quickly washed, brushed her teeth, and went to see what Sarah had packed for her. Thank goodness, the dress buttoned up the front, and she didn’t need a corset with it.
Once she was dressed, she walked to the door, opened it, and entered the sitting room, then stopped and stared. Jonathan’s back was to her…his bare back. He had incredibly broad shoulders, and his back narrowed into a slim waist, then trim hips. She couldn’t tear her eyes away. Jonathan must have heard her, because he turned around and smiled. He had soap on his face and it was obvious that he was shaving. She felt her mouth drop open as she gazed at his spectacular chest with that black silky-looking hair scattered across it.
“Oops, caught me with my shirt off,” Jonathan laughed. “You’re a fast dresser. I see you didn’t need my help with your buttons. There’s hot tea and coffee on the table. Help yourself while I finish up here.”
Jonathan turned back to the mirror and continued shaving. Helen was fascinated as she watched him scrape the hair off his handsome face. Once he was finished, he donned his shirt. She almost hated for him to cover up that magnificent chest.
Oh my goodness, why was she thinking this way?
Jonathan sat down across from her, poured a cup of coffee, and started drinking. She poured herself some tea, added cream and sugar, and then took a sip. There was a knock on the door, and Jonathan called, “Come in.”
A servant entered carrying a tray laden with serving dishes. Jonathan must have ordered everything on the menu, because there was certainly quite a bit to choose from. The servant sat the tray down on the cart and left the room. “I ordered a bit of everything, since I’m starving. I didn’t know what to order for you, so hopefully there’s something here you’ll like.” He lifted off the cover. “Hum, kippers, sausage, bacon, and ham. What’s your preference my lady?”
“I’ll take a piece of the sausage and a slice of bacon. Are there any eggs?”
Jonathan took off another co
ver. “Of course we’ve got eggs. We’ve got them coddled and we also have some made into omelets. Which would you prefer?”
“I’ll take an omelet, please. I would also like one of those delicious looking muffins. That should take care of me.”
Kathryn watched as Jonathan piled his plate high with a bit of everything. Once they finished eating their breakfast, he said, “I’ve ordered the carriage to be brought around in thirty minutes. Can you be ready to leave by then?”
“I can be ready in fifteen. All I need to do is pack my valise. Is there anything that I can do for you?” Picking up the rest of her muffin, which was slathered with fresh creamery butter, Kathryn smiled over at Jonathan.
“I can think of something. Why don’t you come over here and give me my good morning kiss? I’m feeling deprived.” Hesitantly, Kathryn sat down her muffin, came around the table, and gave him a peck on the cheek. Evidently, that wasn’t what he meant, because he grabbed her by the waist, pulled her down on his good knee, and gave her a very thorough kiss.
Jonathan teased her lips, licking and nipping at her mouth, and when she gasped, he slipped his tongue in, deepening the kiss. At first she was startled, but then she remembered what Melody told her, so she relaxed and concentrated on enjoying the kiss. She felt her heart begin to beat faster, and her breathing became shallow as he continued to kiss her. This kiss was so much more than any of his other kisses, but she found it quite titillating.
Kathryn heard him groan as he lifted his lips from hers. “You have the sweetest tasting mouth. I could kiss you all day, but this isn’t going to get us out of here. Go on now and do your packing. I’ll let you know when to come downstairs, my sweet.”
The hour’s drive to St. John’s Wood passed quickly. When Kathryn and Jonathan approached the house, Goodman had all the servants lined up to greet their new mistress. Kathryn tried to make a point of repeating each of their names back to them as they were introduced to her, because that always helped her remember everyone’s name better. The housekeeper, Mrs. Rollins, offered to show her to her rooms, but Jonathan said he would do that.