Waiting on the Sidelines

by Scott, Ginger

  I cut him off at that, raising my hand to say ‘stop.’ This was it, I was broken now. And I wasn’t sure there would ever be a way to come back from this. I got back into my car, and just before I closed my door, I looked him right in the eyes, seething. “Go to fucking hell!”

  I spun the car around and allowed myself one last look at him in the rearview mirror. Tatum was walking up behind him, reaching out to take his hand. And still, he just stood there. Silent.

  I made it home somehow in one piece, avoiding the urge to crash into everything I saw. I didn’t want to hurt myself, but I wanted to exhale this pain boiling inside me. I didn’t know anything could ever hurt this badly. I managed to get inside my house before my parents were home, giving me an hour to process alone in the comfort of my room. My phone kept buzzing with texts from Reed.

  Nolan, please forgive me.

  Nolan, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.

  Please don’t hate me.

  I finally shot one back after his 15th message:

  Leave me alone. I am done.

  I shut my phone off and threw it into my backpack, crashing face first on my bed and curling into a ball around my favorite pillow. My tears stopped. I felt numb, and for a moment, I thought maybe I had imagined it all. But just when I would start to convince myself I would close my eyes, and as if I were watching a close up, I would see Reed’s hand cupping the back of Tatum’s head. Their bodies so close. Her face, not at all like this was a trick, but just looking at me with pity. She was pitying me.

  I was going to be sick.

  I ran to my bathroom and flung open the lid, dry heaving until I heard my mother’s keys on the counter in the kitchen and the sound of her high heals treading down the hall in my direction.

  “Honey, are you sick? Are you ok?” she said, opening the door and finding me on the floor. As soon as I saw her, the tears started up again.

  “Oh, honey. What’s wrong?” she said, pulling me into a hug. The only hug that could ever seem to fix anything. Somehow, though, I knew this time my hurt was not meant to be fixed. No. This one was mine to keep. A reminder. A lesson.

  She walked me to my room and laid me on my bed, sitting next to me and stroking my hair. I just looked at her, quivering a little with tiny sobs, trying to make them stop. When I finally was able to hold my breath steady for a few moments, I just uttered the truth. “My heart hurts, mommy. Really bad.”

  She just leaned over and held me tightly again, stroking my hair and rocking me back and forth. “I know sweetheart. I know.”

  She didn’t lecture me. She didn’t warn me, or say anything to prevent me from loving a boy ever again. She never even uttered Reed’s name. She understood what it was to be a girl with a broken heart. She knew that even though I was 16, what I felt was very real, as real as it would be if I were 37.

  She sat there with me for an hour until I finally felt human. We heard the sounds of my dad’s truck pulling into the driveway and my mom kissed my forehead and told me that she’d bring me in a plate later. She pulled my door closed and met my dad in the hallway. I could hear them talking, and was so relieved when she was covering for me, knowing that my dad would react to my heartache as a father would.

  “Something she ate at work, maybe? She’s pretty tired from being sick just now. I told her I’d check on her later, let’s just sit outside tonight for dinner. Give her some quiet,” and then they were in the kitchen and soon after I was asleep.

  The harsh realities of the next morning were upon me. I had to get ready for my shift at work. My shift with Reed. I needed to take control of the power. I packed my bag and drove in for the morning shift, five hours earlier than I needed to be there for the afternoon. Penny was a little surprised when she saw me walk up.

  “Sweetie, showing up awful early, aren’t you?” she sassed.

  I exhaled and plopped my bag up on the counter, leveling with her.

  “Penny, I need your help,” I pleaded.

  “Sure, whatcha need? Help with the timesheet again?” she asked, getting out a form from her desk.

  “No…I think I need to change my schedule. I’ll work midnight if I have to, but I just can’t work my normal hours. I can’t be here…with Reed,” I said slowly, softly.

  Her eyes shot up as she called me back to her desk, pulling out the master schedule. “Well, I’m not so sure what happened between yesterday and today, but I know that look in your eye. I’ve been there, so let’s see how I can help,” she said as I sat down next to her.

  We went through the weeks and were able to move me to mornings most days. There were a few days that I would still be on his schedule, but none for the next two weeks or so. When we were done, she patted my knee and grabbed my hand for just a second.

  “I know what you’re feeling, and I know it probably feels like a bullet went through your gut, but I promise darlin’… it gets better,” she smiled. I gave her a hug, partly to hide the tears welling up in my eyes.

  I left her desk and headed to the locker room to change and join the morning shift. I checked my phone one more time to see that I only had a few more texts and missed calls from Reed. He seemed to be stopping his pursuit, which both made me sad and relieved.

  I joined the morning group, which was mostly college-aged staff members who were trying to get their work out of the way early before summer classes. I noticed that Tyler was also here for the morning shift. He spotted me right away and gave me a little shrug, asking what I was doing here. I just shrugged back and mouthed that I would explain later. Probably a mistake since I wasn’t really up for talking about Reed, especially with Tyler.

  By the time my break rolled around, Tyler was right there next to me. I grabbed a drink and slid into one of the sling-back chairs stashed in the shade by the snack counter. Tyler sunk in next to me seconds later. “Fancy meeting you here,” he said, holding out his sports drink as if to toast the day with me. I clinked my plastic bottle to his and just smiled.

  “Bottoms up,” I said, taking a drink.

  “So, this is a new time for you, isn’t it?” he shot right out of the gate.

  “Yeah,” I said, pulling my knees up and exhaling a little loudly.

  “OK,… not up to talking about it I guess,” he said, nudging me a little.

  I sat there soaking in the awkwardness. I knew a lot of time was passing, but I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to say, if I even wanted to say anything.

  “I had a fight with Reed,” I just blurted out, surprising myself a little. Immediately I wanted to retract it, but instead I just made it worse. “Well, not really a fight. I just saw something. Maybe I didn’t. Either way, it wasn’t good. Whatever I saw was bad no matter what it meant, and I just can’t…”

  I just turned to stare at him, shrugging again. He reached his bottle over again for another toast. I reciprocated. “I get it. We’re assholes,” he took a drink, paused and looked out over the pool. “You deserve better.”

  I laughed a small awkward laugh and then we sat there in silence the rest of the time. Finally, comfortable silence. I had two or three more breaks with Tyler before my shift was done. He didn’t push me to talk more about Reed, but he was exceptionally respectful and friendly. I got the impression he was trying hard to distract me.

  When my shift was over, I rushed through the locker room, not changing completely and leaving my suit on just to speed things up. I wanted to get through the parking lot and on the road before Reed arrived. I was rushing by Penny’s desk when I snagged the handle of my bag on the door to the supply room, ripping it open and dumping my contents all around the entrance. I hurried on my hands and knees picking everything up, swearing a little under my breath. Penny rushed around the counter to help me, handing me a plastic bag for my things.

  “Here, honey, take this,” she said. I looked up, fighting the tears in my eyes. The stress of the situation was getting to me.

  “Thanks,” I said, shoving my clothes, brush, wallet and anyt
hing else in as quickly as I could. I managed to get everything picked up and was heading out the door when I saw the parking lights of Reed’s Jeep flashing off as he locked the door. I just stopped in my tracks, clutching my torn bag, the plastic makeshift one and my things. I was a mess, and I knew it. I wanted to disappear, but I knew that this was like a bandage. I was going to have to rip it off to move on.

  Reed stutter stepped when he saw me, pausing for a minute, his eyes full of sleeplessness and sadness. His hair was its usual disheveled mess, but adorable all the same. He was slowly approaching me and I found my knees starting to get weak. I slowly started to walk forward, avoiding his gaze, making my way to my car.

  “Nolan?” he said, almost as if he was surprised I would try to ignore him. “Where are you going? Did you quit?”

  I just stopped and turned to face him, staring blankly. “No. I didn’t quit.”

  I turned around and started again for my car when I felt his hand on my shoulder. “Nolan, stop. We need to talk.”

  “I don’t want to talk, Reed. I’m tired. I want to go home,” I said, turning to leave again. This time he reached for my hand, but I recoiled. His touch hurt so much.

  “Where are you going?” he was starting to sound angry, almost desperate.

  I turned to face him, still holding my rag tag bundle of belongings close to my chest, fighting to maintain my breathing. “I switched to mornings.”

  And with that, he let me go.

  Sarah welcomed me inside with her typical greeting. “Come on in, beee yatch,” she said, hugging me with one arm.

  I needed to fill her in on everything, but I really didn’t know where to begin. I texted her during one of my breaks and told her I was in desperate need for a little best friends time. She called Sienna and Becky over and they were all waiting there for me.

  I stashed my pile of sorry crap in the corner of Sarah’s room and we all headed into the kitchen. Sarah opened the fridge and started digging around for something. “Cookie dough. Always fixes everything,” she said, slapping the roll of raw dough down on the counter and then slicing it open with a knife. She dug out four spoons from a drawer and gave one to each of us and we sat there on the stools around her kitchen island digging in. I have to admit, the chunks of chocolate and the salted sugar goo was easing my pain just a little. But not for long.

  “OK, so spill it,” Sarah said. Always a way with words, this one.

  I spent the next hour bringing my friends up to speed. They held their hands over their hearts when I told them about how Reed kissed me, but I warned them not to get too comfortable. “Oh I’m going to break your hearts, girls. Get ready for it.”

  By the time I was done, Sarah was dropping swear words like a paper boy serves up paper. “What a fucking whore,” she yelled, slamming the dishwasher door shut on our dirty spoons.

  Becky was already conspiring with her, coming up with ways we could get back at Tatum for once again derailing a future of me and Reed. They were quickly on Facebook, trying to dig up dirt. Sienna, thankfully, my thoughtful friend, sat back with me and just held my hand.

  “Nolan, I’m so sorry. I know how much you wanted this,” she said. “But… isn’t it possible that there’s more to the story? I mean, Reed doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to be a player, right?”

  I nodded, sniffling a little. She was right. And I had that thought, too. But every time I wanted to call him and find out his version, I saw his lips carefully brushing along the side of Tatum’s neck as he held her close. I couldn’t even remember now if I had imagined that part, but something deep down told me I hadn’t.

  I heard Sarah howling in the living room and we both joined her and Becky. She pulled up a picture of Tatum making out with some other guy, dated just a few weeks ago. “See! I knew she wasn’t just into Reed. I’m going to ruin her!” she gave out like a battle cry.

  But I stopped her. I walked up and flipped the computer closed. Shaking my head, I sat down at the desk and just buried my face in my hands for a minute. Deep breath.

  “I love you guys for wanting to avenge my broken heart, I truly do,” I paused. “But…I honestly have just got to get over this. I have spent half of my teenage years…high school…pining after a stupid boy and letting the same girl walk all over me. I think....”

  I rubbed my head and stood up to look at them all, just waiting for me to give them the order. “I think I just need to stop. I need to make a turn, turn right or something like that. Pick a different path. Pick a new damn boy to pine after, know what I mean?”

  They all sort of looked at each other for a minute, quiet. Finally Sarah broke the silence, as I knew she would. “Party, bitches!”

  I had finished out that week and the next week on the morning shifts. It was hard at first to get used to getting up so early, but my body was adjusting. I actually liked getting done with work early. I was able to head to the gym for open volleyball practice and take out some aggression, practice my hitting and get in some exercise. It also helped that I was able to leave the campus before Reed showed up for his evening workouts.

  My mom never brought up my meltdown again. Only once did she stop me in the hall, pull me into a hug, and whisper “it gets easier.” My dad only asked about Reed once. In a way I thought he knew it was best not to, sensed it was taboo. He wondered why we weren’t hanging out, and I explained that I had different shifts, had to fill in on mornings. A lie, but a small one. And I think my dad was really happier not hearing about his baby girl’s broken heart.

  Tyler worked both afternoons and mornings. Sometimes he would slip up and mention Reed, but he also was pretty respectful. He always took his breaks with me, but never flirted. I got to work early a few times to see him practice diving, his sport of choice. He was pretty amazing at it. The thought of flinging myself headfirst from a platform that high just sounded mental to me. I could tell he liked it when I was there, showing off a little. But still, he always managed to keep things ‘friendly.’

  It was the Friday before the big party weekend. Sarah had planned a party with her sister, Calley. It was going to be a nighttime desert party, Calley’s last before heading to college in August. I was actually a little excited about it, too. I needed to do something normal, on my own. Test my strength, I thought.

  I was telling Tyler about the tradition of our desert parties during our last break when I sort of accidentally invited him. I told him he should join us for one sometime, and he said he was free that night. It was sort of throwing a hiccup in my ‘stand-on-your-own’ plan, but I made it pretty clear that he could join me and my friends, hang out with us.

  I was giving Tyler directions in the parking lot when I felt Reed’s presence behind me. The smell of him was familiar, his shadow familiar. I heard him clear his throat a little as he was walking up and I turned ever so slightly to see his face. He gave me a slight sideways grin, but it still seemed sad.

  “What’s up, Tyler? Hey…Nolan,” he said, swallowing a little as he stopped right at the entrance.

  I just shrugged and smiled, putting my pen in my bag and looking for my keys so I could make my escape.

  “You working the afternoon today, Ty?” he said to Tyler. Ty? Since when were they friends?

  “Nah, I’ve got some shit to do today, man. But hey, maybe I’ll see you later,” Tyler said, waving the small piece of paper I just gave him with directions and stuffing it in his pocket. “Talk to you later, Nolan,” he said, touching my shoulder a little when he stepped off the curb and put his sun glasses on, heading for his car.

  I was starting to leave, too, when Reed spoke. “What was that all about,” he seemed almost jealous.

  “Oh,” I waited…”Just one of Sarah’s desert parties, you know. Calley’s last one. Thought he might think it was cool. Really nothing other than one more person to hang out.” Damn it, why couldn’t I lie to him!

  He just exhaled and shook his head, looking to the side, in the distance. I hated him for breaking me, bu
t god did I love him, too. Finally turning his head to me he scrunched his brow a little. “Are we ever going to talk, Noles?” he was genuine.

  I just stood there, almost speaking, then stopping myself. I took a deep breath. “I don’t know, Reed. I don’t know if I have it in me. I know you didn’t mean to see me get hurt. But I also know that whatever you have to say… well, it’s going to suck. Like, realllllllly suck. And I don’t know if I’m conditioned enough to take another blow right now, if that’s ok.”

  That was it. I left it all out there on the field for him. Honesty. That was all I could promise him, and all I’d ever given him. He gave me a crooked smile and went to reach for my cheek, but I stepped back quickly, holding up my keys. “I gotta get to Sarah’s. Have a good shift.”

  I cried all the way to her house. She had her work cut out for her when she pulled me into her bathroom and started to work on my hair and make up. She twisted my hair up in a backwards French braid, letting the long parts on the top and side curl down to frame my face a little. It was the perfect style for a summer party in the desert, nice and cool.

  Sienna, Becky and Sean came over before the sun set. I hadn’t seen Sean in a few weeks and felt bad at the awkward position I was sure he was in. He and Becky had started dating officially, and they were perfect together. They both had similar styles and finished each other’s sentences. I could tell Sean was smitten, too, because he would pick her up and carry her around like a back pack, smiling around the house when he didn’t think anyone was looking.

  We were all getting ready to pile into the back of Sean’s truck when he stopped me outside to talk. “Are you ok?” he said, bending down to look me straight in the eyes. At first I nodded yes, but then I shifted into no. I couldn’t lie to this boy either. Damn it!

  “No, I’m really not, Sean. I’m just so confused,” I said.

  He took a deep breath, looking up for a bit before settling back on my face. “I’m not going to lie, Nolan. It’s not good. Tatum is just so…” I stopped him.