Laurie took another sip from her mug. “We used to tease like that.” She didn’t look at them, but she knew she had their attention.
The phone rang, a shrill interruption. She set aside her mug. “I don’t want to talk to anyone.”
Kay answered for her, before the third ring. “Pierce Crane residence. Hello, son.” She listened. “We stayed with her last night, and it’s a good thing. She couldn’t keep food down yesterday after you left.”
For a moment, Laurie worried Pierce might wish to speak to her. Then she flashed hot with anger when that didn’t appear to be the case. Everything she thought she knew about being married to him, had it all been an illusion?
Laurie’s hands shook. She carefully lowered the mug to the counter.
“Yes,” Kay continued. “We can stay, and yes, I can go with her to her doctor’s appointment.”
Was that it then? Was he handing her off to his mother?
“Hold on,” Kay said and offered Laurie the phone. “He wants to speak to you.”
Laurie held the phone against her shoulder, bit her lower lip. “Is this how it’s going to be now? You leave when you want, I leave messages you don’t return, then you call when you feel like it?”
“I didn’t leave you. Not like that—”
“Don’t you see, Pierce?” Could she take any more wounds at his hands? She took a fortifying breath. “Because you are afraid, you’ve been leaving me since I found out I was pregnant. We vowed to face life and everything in it, together.”
“You’re right,” he said. “I read your notebook. I see now, honey. Please let me try to fix the damage.”
She watched Daniel peering over Kay’s shoulder as she turned the bacon strips. They were the closest thing to parents she had now. She didn’t want to lose them, too.
“Laurie?”
She could hear the trepidation in Pierce’s voice. The angry part inside her wanted to hang up on him. Make him sweat. Something to make him understand how much damage he’d done to their marriage.
“Laurie, please.”
But wasn’t it Pierce’s deep, hidden anguish that had created the rift in the first place? Did she really want to add more to his life? Honestly, no. If they were truly one, ultimately she’d be hurting herself, too.
She had had enough—between losing her parents, the miscarriage, and now feeling like she was losing Pierce and their life together. What she wanted, what she needed, was for the pain to stop.
“Laurie, honey, please …”
Pierce might actually be crying. Would their life together always be plagued by tears?
“I love you,” he said.
The baby kicked Laurie’s elbow pressed against her side. “What about our child?”
“I’ll talk to Mom and Dad. I’ll pray. I’ll do everything I can to show you how much I love you. If I have to stand there with my eyes closed, I’ll find a way to be with you when you have our baby.”
“Do you really mean that?”
“I was scared, Laurie. The fear grew too big and swallowed everything else.”
“Please don’t say it unless you mean it. It means too much.”
“Mom can go with you to the doctor. I love you, Laurie. I’ll go next time, I promise. I love you and, yes, I love our baby.”
Her knees gave out at the words she’d longed to hear. In silence she set the receiver on the counter and shrank into Daniel’s soothing embrace. “He’s saying all the right things. Everything I’ve wanted to hear for months, but I don’t know how to believe him.”
Daniel pushed the speaker button. “Son, you’re on speaker now.”
“Dad, Mom, I’m sorry for how I’ve behaved.”
“I think it would help Laurie if you told us what’s happened,” said Daniel. “Pierce? You still there?”
“I’m here. And this is hard to admit. Dad, have you or Mom ever been so scared you couldn’t breathe, but you didn’t know why?”
“Fear can control a man, Pierce. It can make you do things you wouldn’t normally do, make you believe things you wouldn’t normally believe.”
“Isaac and Ella helped me see that. I spent most of the night praying and reading Laurie’s journal. There’s more to tell, but I’ll have to fill in the details later. Dad, I want you to take over the church for a couple of weeks at least. Tell the board everything that’s happened. Tell Gilbert. I need them praying for me and Laurie.”
“We’ll do it.”
“Mom, go with Laurie to the doctor. It’s important. I don’t want her to be alone.”
Daniel kissed the top of Laurie’s head. “If she wants, we’ll stay with her until you come back.”
“Is Laurie still there?” Pierce asked.
“Yes,” Daniel answered. “But she can’t talk right now.”
“Go help her, Dad. I’ll call again later.”
The line went dead. “I need a minute,” she said to her in-laws. Trembling, she moved to the dining room table and sat. The baby moved again; Laurie rubbed the side of her belly.
“You’re my miracle,” she said to her unborn child. “The miracle I prayed for, the miracle your daddy needs.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“Thanks for driving me today,” Laurie said to Kay as they left the doctor’s office.
She had not told Pierce, but a sonogram had been scheduled for today’s appointment. She’d postponed it, telling Deb Jordan that Pierce was away, and she didn’t want him to miss it.
“Let’s get some lunch,” Kay suggested. “You feel up to it?”
“I guess.”
“Pierce mentioned you liked the Italian restaurant near our place.”
“That’s fine.” The location of their last date. They had held hands over the table. Pierce kissed her in the parking lot before driving home. Later, by lamplight, they had taken their time in bed. They had laughed—gotten more than a little sweaty—and loved each other as if they hadn’t a care in the world. For one long, fantastic moment, time had stopped. They gazed into each other’s eyes, suspended in a place of total intimacy and union. She’d thought she’d seen her dreams in his eyes that night.
She had to admit, the good parts of their marriage usually outweighed the bad. The bad was just awfully bad right now.
She wrestled with anger—at the situation, at Pierce for letting his past control him, for shutting her out. In some ways, the anger felt good. It held energy. Power. Fuel, to help her make plans. She had a baby to think about.
But holding on to anger would cost her the future she wanted and had been journeying toward with God before this whole disaster. If Pierce did heal and she carried anger, wouldn’t the wall between them then be of her own making?
The heavy scent of garlic and the welcoming aroma of fresh-baked bread greeted Laurie as she and Kay entered Patrini’s Italian Grill.
Lunch was served the same way her dinner date with Pierce had been, on elegant, white china, and accompanied by burgundy linen napkins. Although the building sat near the highway, it was surprisingly quiet at midday. Strategically placed indoor waterfalls camouflaged traffic noise and scattered conversations.
Kay whispered to Laurie. “It smells wonderful, but a little strong. Are you sure you’re okay with this?”
Laurie nodded. “I’m fine. I’ll eat slowly.”
They followed the hostess to a rear booth; in moments their waitress appeared, a curvy young woman. Her flowing black hair reached her waist and her nametag read “Mariabella.”
“Hi. Welcome to Patrini’s.” She looked from Kay to Laurie, motioned to Laurie’s belly. “Got enough room between you and the table? We can shift a little to give you more space.”
Laurie couldn’t help but smile as Kay and Mariabella repositioned the table.
“That’s better. What would you ladies like to drink?”
They gave their orders. Mariabella took two steps away, then spun back around. “I know you. You were at the hospital Saturday night.”
Laurie’s
smile faded. Kay answered. “That’s right.”
“My sister, Isabella, was having her baby there. Well, my whole family was there.” She shrugged, then focused on Laurie. “And your husband prayed with her and Luke. That was really nice.”
Laurie stilled as a pang of jealousy left her feeling immature. “How, how is she doing?”
Mariabella, glowing with joy and wonder, squatted at the table’s end and produced photos from her uniform pocket. “They’re great. She had the most beautiful baby boy. Look at that head full of black curly hair.” She blew identical bangs off her forehead. “What’s that about, right?”
She stood, slid the photos from the table. “Our parents were so mad at her when they found out she was pregnant,” she whispered. “And at Luke, of course. I guess not every baby is planned, huh? But your husband was so sweet. He never once said anything about, you know, them not being married yet.” She rolled her eyes. “But it’s okay. Now I’m an aunt. I get to help plan their wedding and be my sister’s maid of honor. Do you think your husband would marry them, let them have the wedding at your church?”
Laurie swallowed hard. “He’s out of town right now. Why don’t you call the church and leave a message. I’m sure you’ll hear from him next week sometime.” She lowered her menu. “I’ll have the lasagna. Mom?”
“Sounds good to me.”
“Perfect. Won’t be long.”
Laurie waited until Mariabella was out of earshot.
“I thought we were so close. I thought we had a strong marriage. I don’t know what we have now.”
“A strong marriage.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because you two have grown strong in every other area, despite this huge weakness in your relationship.”
Mariabella returned, set steaming plates before them and left again. Laurie cut into the lasagna. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Laurie, I believe your pregnancy is divinely timed. None of this has happened outside God’s plan for your lives and marriage.”
“I feel that in my heart.” Laurie pressed her fist to her chest. “I do.”
“Then everything that goes with it is in God’s timing, too.”
“And what does God require of me?”
“To help—not hinder—His work in Pierce.”
“How do I do that?”
Kay leaned toward Laurie. “That’s what you have to find out.”
“I feel like all I do is complain to God. I sound whiny even to myself. I don’t mean to be impatient.” She looked down at her rounded belly, then back at Kay. “But we’re on a deadline here.”
“Laurie. You have enough hormones right now for three or four women. That’s how pregnancy is. And yes, it magnifies a woman’s joys and sorrows. Don’t you think God knows that?”
Laurie’s eyes watered. “I know I’m a cliché. I cry over Hallmark commercials.”
“God gave you that soft heart.”
“I obsessed over having a child, Mom. I did.” Even to Laurie’s ears, the confession seemed anti-climactic. “I think I still am.”
“Put all that energy, all that effort into hearing God. You can have a soft heart and still be strong. Jesus was.”
***
Laurie wanted to walk.
Kay expressed concern about her getting overheated in the afternoon sun, but Laurie needed to feel her body moving as her spirit restlessly stretched and stirred. So after they returned from lunch, she chose to go alone into the woods that always lured Pierce, and promised her in-laws she wouldn’t stay in the pressing heat too long.
She walked under the branches, sat several minutes, then walked more. Where was Pierce? What was he doing?
She purposely hadn’t mentioned it to Kay, but August was only days away and would mark one year since the miscarriage. One year since she’d thought her life was near perfect, then, in a matter of seconds, a nightmare began that continued to this moment.
Standing under the leafy canopy, she lifted her eyes to heaven.
Dear God, I’m alone and I’m afraid to weep over that child. If I give into the grief now, on top of everything else, I’m afraid I’ll lose this baby. Pierce isn’t here, I don’t even know if he realizes the date. Reminding him might set him back. Please protect this child. Let this baby live. And show me what to do about my marriage.
As she meandered back home, the sun shone bright, so bright the sky stretched out forever, all the way up to heaven. The cloudless dome with its sea glass cast reminded her of Pierce’s eyes. Your daddy’s eyes, little one. She loved the child within her so much already, at times she thought her heart would burst. She wondered how more love could fit there. Grow there. Come from there.
But it surely would, she thought as she climbed the porch steps.
I know the plans I have for you. To prosper you. To give you hope.
She stopped mid-step and grabbed the handrail. God’s plan.
God was indeed using her pregnancy to push Pierce to face his past. To let God heal him.
What was her part in God’s plan, as she and Pierce faced their first real marital struggle?
Whatever is true.
The verse propelled her back to her bedroom. She wrote the verse at the top of a page. “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
She tapped her pen against the page.
God, please help me see. Help me understand.
Her spirit was willing, but her mind had to be ready, too. Thinking right would help. It would keep her from making mistakes that hindered God’s work.
So she wrote again. This time placing in columns the key words the verse encouraged readers to “think about.” True. Noble. Right. Pure. Lovely. Admirable. She asked God to reveal what she needed to know about each.
True. She loved Pierce. Even though loving him right now wasn’t easy.
That’s like Me. I love you, even when you’re not perfect, even when you do things that hurt you and Me.
Noble. What did noble mean?
She looked it up. Noble meant honorable or of great value.
Working to change her marriage was of great value to her. She truly believed God would help her actions be right, be pure, so she wouldn’t make a bigger mess. Not having so much to apologize for was certainly a lovely thought. And what a testimony it would be someday—to her child and to others—if she shared how God helped her avoid bitterness, rebuilt the trust between her and Pierce, and made her marriage better than it had ever been.
Dear Father, show me how to do this.
When he asks, tell Pierce everything.
Everything. What she needed. What she wanted. Her feelings.
Tell Pierce everything. The encouraging words came as a loving mother’s caress, soothing the wounds in her heart. As if someone opened a window, peace flooded her, drenching her spirit in a newborn-pink glow. If she listened to God and obeyed, the peace would stay deep inside, no matter what Pierce did or didn’t do.
Love him like I do, like I love you.
But what, exactly, did that look like?
Watch me.
With head bowed, she prayed. For Pierce. Herself. Their baby. Their future. And she knew she must ask Pierce to do the same.
***
Ina’s family swarmed inside her opulent home. Though they’d assured Pierce there was plenty of room for him, too, he opted to stay in the garage apartment. It reminded him of easier days. Of Laurie. He could almost smell her there.
He could best describe his daily experiences over the next few days as having major surgery without anesthesia.
Visiting the funeral home with the Hood family to complete the arrangements brought to mind his own grief as a child. That hollow, sore-all-over feeling that made you want to curl into a ball and hide in a corner. He watched the tears, heard the quiet laughter as each remembered Ina in hi
s own way, as they planned the service and chose a casket.
The sad and beautiful scene struck a chord within Pierce. Maybe he could try remembering his mother’s life and her love for him, instead of dwelling on her death.
He excused himself after dinner with the family and retreated to the apartment. He just wanted to sit alone, in the quiet, and call Laurie.
He dialed, she answered softly, then neither of them said anything for several moments.
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yes. I’m here.”
“How’d your doctor’s appointment go?”
“Okay.” A pause. “Kay got to hear the baby’s heartbeat.”
Wow. “Wow. I … wish I’d been there.” It was true. He did wish he had been there. He loved their baby, too. “Can you ever forgive me?”
Long seconds ticked by.
“I’m working on it,” she said. “I keep telling myself you were reacting, rather than trying to hurt me.”
“Do you still love me?”
“Yes. And I hope you mean everything you’re saying to me.”
“Tell me what you need.”
She sighed. “Honesty. Your love. More. Your dad—”
“My dad what?”
“Your dad knows someone, a professional.” She paused. “Can we get counseling?”
We. She still loved him, and they were still a we. “Yes, I’ll go see a counselor. Anything else?”
He heard her take a really deep breath and exhale. “Love our child with me.”
He knew she was holding back from him. Something she didn’t want to ask, wasn’t ready to say, or was afraid to say …
Who did that sound like?
“You know, we used to pray together all the time.” She paused. “We used to laugh together all the time, too,” she added quietly. “Watching you pray with others on Sunday mornings, with Gilbert the other night, with another woman in labor … Will you pray with me?”
He’d been praying all day.
Not with her you haven’t.
“For our baby? Pierce, it’s just me. And God. We both love you.”
“Dear God.” Words stuck in his throat. What if Laurie changed her mind and didn’t want him to come home? What if worse memories surfaced? Sweat broke out across his shoulders. “God, I’ve been so afraid. Until recently I didn’t know why.” He closed his eyes, squeezing back tears. “Honestly, I’m still afraid. Lord, please protect my wife and my child.”
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