by Nikki Chase
My eyes widen as I watch Marco walk away. He’s leaving me alone with Cole? Damn, he’s so oblivious.
“So you moved here last week?” Cole asks.
“Yeah. And you?” I grab a tiny little tomato bruschetta from the hors d’oeuvre tray when a pretty server walks past. I’m too nervous to eat, but I need to do something with my hands.
“I’ve been here for almost two months. I had no idea you were moving.” He looks almost hurt that I never told him.
“It wasn’t exactly planned. I just felt like I needed a fresh start.” As soon as the words escape my lips, I realize my mistake. Cole winces. I quickly add, “And Marco was right. It was a really good offer and I needed a job.”
“You like it here?”
“I actually do. I had no idea you were here either until I got here. You’re creating quite a buzz. There are all kinds of speculations about why you’re here.” I have to calm down. Keep the conversation casual. I tend to talk too much when I’m nervous and I really don’t want to say the wrong thing. “How about you? You like it here?”
“It’s nice enough,” he says. He’s being careful. Could he be worried about revealing too much to the employee of a potential competitor company? Or is he just as skittish as I am?
“Yeah. It’s a nice city. I’m still not used to the weather, though. I can’t believe how much it rains here. It’s always so gloomy and cold. And I always forget to bring an umbrella. I’d walk out to go somewhere and only realize it when it’s too late to turn back. It feels super cold outside when my clothes are wet.” I take a bit of the tomato bruschetta to shut myself up. I’m being such a great conversationalist. Weather talk? How interesting!
“Where do you live?”
“Downtown.” I cover my mouth to hide any remaining bits of bruschetta and swallow quickly. I was expecting Cole to say more so I could have more time to eat, but he’s not giving me anything to go on. “I’m staying with Marco for now, but I’m looking for my own place.”
“You’re staying with Marco?” He clenches his jaw as something flashes in his eyes. Hurt? Anger? It goes away too quickly for me to identify.
“Yeah. He’s being really nice to me, even though I’m basically always in his space. His girlfriend doesn’t mind either. They tell me I can stay for as long as I want, but I feel like I need to move out as soon as possible.”
“So it’s the three of you?” Cole visibly relaxes. Could he be jealous?
“Yeah. How about you? Where do you live now?”
“Same. Downtown. I figure it would be more convenient for me to get to meetings.”
“Em!” Marco yells. I turn toward him and see him pointing at someone beside him. “Come over here! You have to meet this guy!”
I nod and smile at Marco. A part of me is relieved I can escape from this awkward encounter but, at the same time, I still want to spend more time with Cole. I smile at him and say, “Looks like I’m needed elsewhere.”
“Yeah.” He pauses before he says, “Do you want to go somewhere after you’re done? For drinks? I know a good place.”
31
Cole
“Do you…” I pause and search her eyes for answers while I think of the best way to pose the question I’ve been meaning to ask ever since I walked out through the tall, wrought-iron gates of the Blackwood Cemetery.
Do you hate me?
She tilts her head, waiting for me to finish. But I can’t ask her that, not with those exact words. I’m too afraid she’d say yes.
I drag air into my lungs and steel myself. I can do this.
“Are you still angry at me?” I finally ask. My heart hammers in my chest while I wait for her answer.
“No, Cole.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m not angry at you anymore. I was, though. But you probably already know that.” She laughs softly.
She looks beautiful with the candlelight illuminating her face. Her red dress glows orange and I wonder if I really saw her in the parking lot, but it doesn’t matter. We have more important things to discuss now that I know for sure I’ve found her again.
“Yes, you were quite clear about that.” I return her smile. A little bit of my anxiety leaves along with a big exhalation. “You were right to be angry, though. I did a horrible thing.”
“I think…” She pauses and looks into the distance like she’s trying to find the right words. “I think I was as angry at myself as I was at you.”
“Angry at yourself?”
“Yeah. For the longest time, I was angry at myself. Alice told me it wasn’t my fault, but I always felt responsible for the accident myself.” She pulls the corners of her lips upward and looks across the table at me. Her blue eyes are glassy and glowing, reflecting the dance of the little candle flame. “I told Scott to drive faster. I had a bad headache. And then it happened. I blamed myself.”
“It wasn’t your fault,” I quickly say. “If you want to blame anyone, blame me.”
“No, Cole.” She slowly shakes her head. She blinks away the tears that have gathered in her eyes. When she continues talking, her voice breaks. “If it was your fault, then it was my fault as well. But I’ve been thinking a lot about this. Alice was right. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Nobody wanted it to happen. Not me, not you, and not Scott.”
“You don’t think it was my fault?” I frown and realize she’s serious.
“No.” She shakes her head again. “No, Cole. It wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself for the accident. If you need my permission, I’m giving it to you right now. You can stop blaming yourself. I’m sure Scott would forgive you as well if he could.”
A lump in my throat stops me from saying anything. I swallow, but it won’t go away. I wouldn’t even know what to say anyway.
Ever since I woke up in the hospital after the accident, I haven’t stopped blaming myself. Not for one minute.
And now the victim of my crime is telling me I don’t have to carry this burden that has been weighing heavily on my shoulders?
“I was also angry at myself for letting myself fall for you. I felt like I was betraying Scott in a way. It doesn’t make sense, I know. But that’s how I felt. Even though I know he’d want me to continue living my life and not just get stuck in the past.”
“Wait a minute. You just said you fell for me.” I somehow manage to find my voice. This is too important to brush off.
“I did.” She smiles a little mysterious smile, like she’s amused at my bewilderment.
“Even though I lied to you?”
“Well, I fell for you before I realized you were lying to me. But yeah, I still felt the same way even after I found out the truth.” Emily’s index finger traces the lip of her glass of Diet Coke. I stare at it with intense jealousy. I want her finger on my skin again. Can I hope for that to happen again?
“And now?” I look deep into her blue eyes. Please, don’t let this be a lie. I deserve to be lied to after all the lies that I’ve told her. And I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted me to get a taste of my own medicine. But I hope to God that she’s telling the truth.
“Now?” She sighs and looks up at me. Her blonde locks shift over her shoulders and back. “I don’t know, Cole. It’s hard to say. I’ve been… I’ve gone through a few really intense months. I’ve learned a lot of things about myself, but I also realize there are many things I still don’t know.”
“Like the way you feel about me,” I say.
“Yes. Like the way I feel about you.”
“I love you,” I blurt out. “That’s not a lie. That’s the truth. And I still do. I still love you.”
“I know. I know you have real feelings for me, even if you’ve lied about other things. The way you’re looking at me right now, you can’t fake that. Not even if you were a really good actor.” She returns my gaze and smiles.
“I’m so sorry, Emily. I’m sorry for everything I put you through.”
“I know that, too. You’re deeply remorseful. I can tell.”
�
��Can you…” I gather my courage and ask, “Can you forgive me? Can we start over? Please, Emily?”
“I don’t know if I can trust you.” She says the words softly, but it feels like she has just smashed her glass against the bar table between us and stabbed me in the chest with the shard. “I can’t stop wondering if you only feel that way because of your guilt, if you feel responsible for me because of the accident.”
“I’m not going to lie anymore, Emily. You know that, right? I’m only going to tell you the truth from now on. I promise you. And the truth is I started to fall for you before the accident, when I saw you at The Amber Room that night. Then I really got to know you. You’re smart, beautiful, and you have the kindest heart. I can’t help but fall in love with you. It’s not because of guilt. Guilt is there a lot of the time. But there is love, too. And it’s real.”
Emily cocks her head and stares straight at me without saying anything. After a long pause, she says, “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why are you here? In Seattle, I mean. What are you doing here?”
“It’s a long story, but I guess we have time. The short version is to get away from my father. I know I won’t ever be rid of him as long as I stay in San Francisco.”
“And the long version?”
I take a deep breath. “My father didn’t approve of me seeing you. He was furious when he found out I’d hired you. He was worried that somehow it would lead to everyone finding out about how he’d kept the police investigation quiet and stopped the news from reaching the media.”
“I know that,” she says.
“You do?”
“Yeah. Alice told me. And you didn’t know he did all those things until it was too late.”
“Yes. It was all a done deal when I woke up in the hospital,” I say. “So he threatened me. He said he’d take away Foster Hotels if I didn’t stay away from you.”
Emily draws a sharp breath. She stares at me with her big doe eyes.
“Well, my father found out about us. And he’s not the kind of man who makes empty threats.”
“So you lost Foster Hotels because of me?”
“No, Emily. I lost it because I didn’t do what he wanted me to do. It was going to happen sooner or later. He’s always tried to control me and I’ve always tried to defy his orders. It was bound to happen.
“I’ve always wanted to get out from under his thumb, but there was a certain comfort in letting him be in charge of some parts of my life. To be honest, I knew it was going to be a lot harder for me to make it on my own. So I’ve always had this dilemma.
“And then you came along and made it unbearable for me to keep letting him run my life. Because I couldn’t let things stay the way they were and still have you in my life.”
“I didn’t know.” Emily puts her hands over her mouth. “So that’s why you left San Francisco?”
“Partly. There’s another reason. There was this girl there. She told me to leave her alone, so I decided to move here. I just didn’t think she was going to follow me all the way to Seattle,” I say, trying to break the tension.
It works. She smiles. If this place wasn’t so dark I’m sure I’d see color spread across her cheeks.
“But you worked so hard to build that company,” she says. Even after everything I’ve done to her, she still thinks about how things affect me. I swear if I ever manage to get her back, I’ll never let her go again. Not even if she tells me to.
“It doesn’t matter. Like I said, it was bound to happen. I can always do it all over again. I managed to take some money with me when I moved here, so I can start again. I can rebuild. I can redo everything I’ve done with Foster Hotels. I can earn back my success.
“But that’s not the way things are with you. It kills me that I lost you through my own foolishness.
“I’m sorry for being so selfish, Emily. I didn’t think about what you want. It didn’t occur to me to ask you. I didn’t even cross my mind that I should tell you the truth. I tried to fix your problems my way.
“I realize now that I was treating you like my father has always treated me. He thinks he knows exactly what I need and how to get it. He doesn’t consult me even when he’s supposedly doing things for my benefit.
“When you told me to leave you alone, I realized I’d been trying to fulfill your needs without consulting you. And that wasn’t going to make you happy. It’s just like how my father would never make me happy by doing whatever he thinks is right without ever asking me what I want.
“I’m sorry, Emily. I’ve learned my whole life to follow in my father’s footsteps. Be strong, be in control, be the one to make the decisions. Don’t be weak, or show any weakness. I’ve always kept secrets. I’ve always done things in the dark. And guilt is a weakness, so I couldn’t show that side of me to you.
“But you’re not my father. And you accepted me not because of how well I follow these stupid rules my father came up with.”
I can’t tell what the strange expression on Emily’s face means. She’s definitely thinking, but there’s no telling what’s going on in that beautiful mind of hers.
I feel lighter after unleashing that deluge of information on her. More vulnerable, but strangely liberated. I’ve laid all my cards on the table, and it’s up to her now to decide what to do.
“They’re closing up the bar.” She looks past my shoulder at the staff clearing the tables and turning off the lights. She smiles as she shifts her gaze back to me. “Take me to your place, Cole. I want to see your new home.”
32
Emily
Are we really doing this?
My mind is racing. There’s a lot for me to process. After holding so much back from me, now Cole has just dropped everything on the table all at once.
But while my brain is still working things out, there’s no denying that my heart and my body have already made a decision. I can feel it from the way my stomach flutters and churns. I won’t be able to go back home and just forget about this.
When the bar closed down, all I knew was I wanted to spend more time with Cole, and I didn’t want to lose this magical momentum. I’m afraid if I just walk away and see him again tomorrow, everything will feel different in the cold, harsh light of the day.
This feels like a fragile, fleeting, precious moment and I want to do everything I can to keep it in my grasp, even if it’s just for a few hours longer.
I know, perhaps better than anyone else, how quickly love can slip away and get lost in the maze of time, never to be seen again.
“Is anything wrong? You haven’t said anything since we left the bar.” Cole looks at me with concern in his beautiful brown eyes.
“No, I’m fine. Really.” I smile and shake my head.
The streets around us are empty, except for a few other cars that have stopped in front of the traffic light. Drops of rain cover the car windows, making it feel like we’re in a world of our own. Smooth jazz plays in the background, making the atmosphere feel even more melancholic.
“If you’ve changed your mind, I can take you home,” he says.
“I haven’t. Trust me. This is nice, just sitting here with you.”
Cole takes my hand and gently strokes my skin. Just like that, my heartbeat speeds up and my body craves his touch elsewhere. I want his big, warm hand on my neck, on my bare waist, on my thighs…
I look into his eyes and recognize the same hunger in him. He wants me just as much.
The light turns green and Cole puts his hands back on the steering wheel. The car glides among the tall buildings of the city. Bright, colorful lights decorate the empty retail stores, while yellow street lights illuminate the few pedestrians caught in the rain as they rush home. I catch glimpses of the Space Needle sometimes, stabbing the sky like it anchors the skyline in place.
We enter the parking area of a tall, modern apartment building with a glass facade. Truth be told, I’ve been trying to come up with any unanswered ques
tions that remain. I know that once we’re alone in Cole’s apartment, I’ll forget everything.
If there’s any doubt left in my mind, if there’s any good reason why I shouldn’t spend the night, I should clear it up now. As Cole parks the car, one last question pops into my mind. He turns off the engine and we step out of the car.
“Cole.” I take his hand and interlace our fingers as we walk toward the entrance to the apartment lobby. “Why did you want me to wait until Tuesday? When I saw you at the cemetery, you told me you wanted to tell me everything, but you were waiting for the right time. What were you waiting for?”
The electronic scanner by the door beeps as Cole waves his key fob. He holds the door open for me and we step inside, him taking my hand back in his. My heels click-clack noisily against the marble floor, the sound magnified by the echo of the high ceilings and the lack of an answer from Cole. When I glance at him, he looks like he’s thinking.
“I wanted to line everything up before telling you,” he finally says. It’s late and the lobby is empty. The door of the elevator nearest to us opens with a ding from the speaker. The carpeted floor muffles the sound of my heels as we enter. Cole presses the button for his floor and continues, “When we founded Foster Hotels, my father insisted on retaining the power to take full control of the company at any time. So I made an emergency plan in case that happened and I needed some money to start over without him. I was waiting for the transfer to be finalized.”
“Why?”
“I wanted to show up with plane tickets and ask you to move to Seattle with me. I was afraid that if I told you about the problem without providing a solution, it would scare you away. My father is a powerful man and I didn’t want to freak you out without also giving you an escape plan. I wanted you to feel safe.”
He looks so sad and sincere I can’t help but give in to my instinct to comfort him.
I step closer and put my hand on his face. His skin feels warm on my cold hand, and his stubble rough against my skin.