And I wanted to throw up.
He led her back to the car then got into the driver’s seat. He didn’t even open her door for her.
Fucking asshole.
Then they drove away. When their headlights disappeared, I knew they were gone.
I stayed in the car, unsure what to do with myself. Pain like I’ve never known radiated through my body. My heart squeezed like a fist was clenched around it. My lungs couldn’t expand to their full potential. Nausea pooled into my stomach. I felt like shit, worse than I’d felt in a long time.
What was happening to me?
Wanting to get rid of this feeling, I started the engine the headed back to the bar. I couldn’t feel this way. I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want to get hurt. I tried not to think about Alaska, think about her with him. I tried not to remember the way she slept in my arms. I tried to forget the way she held my hand when she cried. I tried not to think about how beautiful she looked at the art sow. I tried to ignore her compassion, her selflessness, her smile, and her beautiful heart.
When I walked inside the bar, Sage raised an eyebrow.
“Seriously, do I need to call someone?” he asked.
I headed to the busty blonde. “You still want to do this?”
She smirked at me. “Looks like someone had a change of heart.”
“Are we doing this or what?”
She grabbed her purse then leaned close to me. “Lead the way.”
I felt like shit for the rest of the week. That one-night stand was the worst I ever had. It was awkward and uncomfortable. Every time I looked down at her, I saw Alaska. My mind played tricks on me, and I pretended I was with her instead of the annoying blonde. After she left, I felt even worse.
I avoided Alaska whenever possible. I stayed in my apartment and studied, not going out or doing anything. I did my laundry at my parents’ house so we wouldn’t cross paths. I just couldn’t look at her knowing she belonged to someone else. It made me sick.
Why is this happening to me?
A knock on the door made me flinch. Who was it?
I sighed then looked through the peephole. It was Alaska.
No.
My car was in the parking lot so she knew I was home. Why did she have to be my neighbor? I opened the door but didn’t speak.
Her eyes took me in. “Is everything okay?”
Did I make it that obvious? “Yeah…I was just taking a nap.” I couldn’t think of another excuse.
“Oh. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It’s fine. What’s up?” I couldn’t even look at her the same. My eyes drifted to her lips, noticing how pink they were. Her cheekbones were prominent, and her large eyes glowed by their own light.
“I hate to bother you but…my truck won’t start.” The shame drifted over her face.
“Maybe you should upgrade like I recommended.”
“I know.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “I can’t get rid of it. It means too much.”
Honestly, the fact that she didn’t mind driving a piece of shit made me more attracted to her. She wasn’t superficial or shallow—like me. “Let’s take a look.” I shut the door behind me and walked with her.
“Thank you. I’m sorry to bother you. I’m sure you’re busy.”
“I’m never too busy for you.”
Her eyes softened when she looked at me.
Why the hell did I just say that?
I popped her hood then examined it. Then I went to the truck and tried to start it. The engine wouldn’t even turn over. “Your battery is dead.”
“It is?”
“You must have left your lights on. The nice thing about having a newer car is they have precautions against that.” It was a subtle jab.
She rolled her eyes. “I had a shoot yesterday and I was in a hurry. I must have forgot.”
I walked to my car then pulled the spark plugs out of the truck. “It’s okay. I’ll jump start your car.” After I plugged everything in and started my engine, I charged her battery for a few moments. Then I killed my engine then stowed everything in the truck.
“Can I turn it off?” she asked.
“No, let it run for a few minutes. It’ll charge your battery.”
“On it’s own?” She seemed surprise.
“Yeah. The engine will take care of it.”
“Cool.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared at her old truck.
“Your boyfriend was unavailable?” The resentment was heavy in my voice. I couldn’t deny how much I hated him. I despised him. My words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them.
She didn’t pick up on it. “He’s at work.”
“Shocking…” I needed to hold my tongue.
She turned to me. “Thanks for your help.”
“Anytime.”
She turned off her engine then grabbed the keys. “I’ll make sure I turn off the lights this time.”
“Good thinking.”
We walked back up the stairs and to our apartments.
“Are you doing anything right now?” she asked.
I stilled. “No.”
“I made lunch. Are you hungry?”
Yes. But I should say no. It was hard for me to be around her. Really hard. “Sure.” No! Why did I just say that?
“Great.” She walked inside and I followed her.
Her apartment was half a living room, and half a studio. Pictures littered the tables in messy piles. Her camera and different lens’s were across the table. Photos hung from strings from the ceiling. I stared at them for a moment, examining each one.
“Excuse the mess,” she said. “But I thrive in clutter.”
“I’m not judging you.”
“Your apartment is so clean and organized. I feel like a slob compared to you.”
I shrugged. “In my neuroscience course I learned that people who are messy are more creative.”
“I never knew that.”
“It explains why my sister is a pig.” I laughed lightly.
“I feel a little better then.” She walked into the kitchen and opened the oven.
When she was distracted, I examined her pictures. Most of them were of her sister. They had the same eyes and the same face structure. But there was no doubt Alaska was the more beautiful one.
There was one of Alaska. It was a candid shot, one that was taken without her knowledge. She was sitting on the beach with her knees pulled to her chest. Her hair blew in the breeze, and a small line of sunblock was on her nose. I couldn’t stop staring at it. I’d never seen anything more beautiful in my life.
“I hate that picture.”
I flinched when I realized she was next to me. “Why?”
“I just don’t like taking pictures. I’m not photogenic like my sister. She’s a natural.”
“You look beautiful.” The words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them.
“Jace always makes fun of me for that one. He says I look sad.”
“Were you sad?”
“No…I was just lost in thought.”
Her boyfriend sounded like a dick. “Your sister should be taking pictures of you, not the other way around.” I really needed to shut my mouth.
“You’re sweet.” She sauntered to the table. “But I know my sister is the pretty one.”
She couldn’t be more wrong. I turned to her coffee table and saw picture frames. One caught my attention. Her boyfriend had his arm around her, and they were both smiling at the camera. He was a good-looking guy, but I hated looking at him.
“I hope you like tortellini.”
I came to the table and sat across from her. “It looks good.”
She ate with grace and kept her back straight.
I took a bite then marveled at the taste. “This is good.”
“I made it from scratch.”
“Where did you learn to cook?”
“My nana. She used to be a chef before she retired.”
“If I
keep living next door to you, I’m going to get fat.”
She smirked. “I feel bad for my kids. They’re going to be little fatties.”
When I imagined her having kids with her boyfriend I wanted to hurl.
“Everything okay, Ash?”
“Yeah.” It was hard to hide my emotions from her. “What did you do last night?” I already knew what she did but I tried to make conversation.
“Jace and I went out to dinner.” The sadness was in her voice.
“It doesn’t sound like you had a good time.”
She picked at her food but didn’t eat it. “We haven’t been the same in a long time. Sometimes I get frustrated because I don’t know how to fix it.”
“Relationships shouldn’t be this difficult. He either treats you right or he doesn’t. And it’s pretty clear he doesn’t.”
She eyed me from across the table. “I guess I’m holding on to what we used to be.”
“Then you should let go.” I really wanted her to dump him. I knew I didn’t have a chance with her, but I preferred it if she was with a good guy, someone that made her happy and did everything possible just to make her smile.
She dropped the subject and finished her lunch. “I couldn’t eat another bite…” she rested her hand on her stomach.
“Where do you hide it?” I gave her a light smile.
She snickered. “I usually jog in the mornings. If I didn’t, I’d be obese.”
I doubted that for some reason. I picked up our dishes then carried them to the sink. Then I started to wash them.
“You don’t have to do that.” She grabbed the dish, our hands touching.
My breath hitched as soon as I felt her warm skin.
“You’re my guest. And you helped me.”
I released the dish and stepped away, wanting space to be between us. “Thank you for lunch.”
‘Thanks for being a wonderful neighbor.”
“Yeah…” I needed to get out of here. “Well, I’ll see you later.”
“Okay.” She walked with me to the door then she opened it. “Ash?”
I stepped out then turned around. “Hmm?”
“Is everything okay? You seem a little…down.”
Dying inside was a better way to describe it. “I’m just tired.” I never lied before. I was used to blurting out the truth no matter how insensitive it was. But I couldn’t tell her the truth.
Because I didn’t even know what the truth was.
I walked into Mrs. Patelo’s room with her chart in hand.
She smiled the second she saw me. “You’re back.”
“Yep, back to my clinical rotation.” I sat in the stool and looked over her blood work. “How are you liking your kindle?”
“It’s wonderful. I love it.”
“Good. Find any new books?”
“I found this new book called Fifty Shades of Grey. Have you heard of it?”
I smirked, feeling my face tint. “I’ve heard a few things…”
“Well, it’s on the bestsellers list so I thought I’d give it a try.”
She’s in for a treat. “At least you aren’t reading Harry Potter again.”
“I will again. But I thought I’d look for something new.”
I flipped through her papers and made a few notes.
“Why couldn’t you be my physician last week?” she asked.
“I missed my exam so I was removed from patient care hours until I took it.”
“Oh.” She adjusted her pillow and sat up. “Why did you miss your exam? Were you under the weather?”
“No. My friend’s truck wouldn’t start and she was in a hurry. I let her drive my car while I changed her oil.”
Her eyes narrowed while she stared at me. She pressed her lips together while she thought for a long time. “That was nice of you.”
I shrugged. “She didn’t have anyone else.”
“What kind of truck does she have?”
“Some piece of crap that’s at least thirty years old.” I laughed just thinking about it.
“Oh…”
“What?” I asked.
She pressed her lips together again. “Nothing.”
I didn’t press her on it.
“You seem down lately.” It wasn’t a question.
Alaska came into my mind. “I’ve just been stressed…”
“About what?”
“Nothing worth mentioning.” I grabbed my stethoscope and positioned it to my ears.
“Is Dr. James having girl problems?” she pressed.
I smirked. “Why do you ask?”
“Just a hunch.”
I didn’t see the harm in telling her. I had no one else to tell. If I mentioned it to my sister, she would beg me to marry Alaska. “My new neighbor has been turning my life upside down, basically. I just wanted to sleep with her when I first met her, but now…I don’t know.”
She stared at me while she waited for me to continue.
“She’s just really cool. She’s passionate and compassionate. She loves her artwork and she’s talented at her craft. She’s drop-dead gorgeous and she’s totally ignorant to it. She drives a beat up truck because she doesn’t care about expensive things. She’s soft and friendly, but if you cross her she won’t let you get away with it.”
“It sounds like you don’t just like her…” A smirk was on her lips.
I wasn’t sure what I felt. “I went to her art show, but during the bidding she disappeared. When I followed her outside, she was sitting in the dark crying to herself…” I hated thinking about it. “I’m not an emotional guy and I don’t care about other people, but when I saw her my heart broke.”
Mrs. Patelo sat up. “Why was she crying?”
“She just feels alone. She doesn’t have parents who want her, and her piece of shit boyfriend wasn’t there.” I got angry from thinking about it.
“You don’t like him?”
“Fuck no.” I shouldn’t curse in front of her, but it just came out. “He doesn’t deserve her. He doesn’t treat her right. I don’t know how he landed her, but if I were him, I’d be busting my ass to keep her around.”
A slight smile stretched her lips. “Does she know how you feel?”
“No…I’m not going to tell her.”
“Why?”
“She has a boyfriend. And she made it clear she wasn’t interested in me. I’ll settle as her friend because that’s all I’m going to get…”
“Shouldn’t you just see what happens?” she suggested.
“I already know what would happen.” I set the chart aside and began my examination.
“Dr. James is in love.”
“I am not.”
“And in denial,” she teased.
I knew I was fond of her, but I couldn’t fall in love. That was a line I would never cross. If I fell too deep, I would drown. I was barely keeping my head above water was it was.
Scotty and Liam sat across from me in the booth.
Scotty sipped his drink while he stared at me. “So…where did you disappear to the other night?”
“What are you talking about?” My mind was elsewhere.
“At the art show. When Livia and I looked around you were gone…and so was Alaska.” The meaning of his words was clear.
“She had to step outside so I joined her.” That was all I was willing to share.
“Alaska is a cool girl. I like her.”
“Good for you,” I snapped.
Liam drank his beer and stayed out of the conversation.
“So, how’s her truck running?” Scotty asked.
I was going to snap his neck. “Fine.”
“What’s going on?” Liam asked.
“Ash, the biggest jackass in the world, missed an exam just to help his neighbor…Alaska.” Scotty gave me a knowing look.
“Wow.” Liam understood the significance.
“I helped her. Big deal.” I was getting sick of this.
“It’s not a big deal,”
Scotty said. “But for you, it is.”
I rubbed the area between my eyes. “Let’s talk about something else.”
“Why?” Scotty asked.
“Because I’m sick of talking about her.”
“Why don’t you ask her out?” Scotty asked.
“She has a boyfriend.” I just wanted this conversation to end.
Scotty nodded his head and had a knowing look in his eyes. “Now it makes sense…”
“What makes sense?” I was practically growling.
“Why you haven’t gone for her.”
“I don’t like her,” I snapped.
“Right…” He sipped his beer.
“Just drop it. I mean it.”
Liam smirked. “You’re awfully defensive.”
“I’m getting another beer.” Mine was half full but I needed a break from these guys. I headed to the counter and ordered another bottle. I was tired of people asking me about her. She was just a girl. She wasn’t special. She didn’t mean anything to me…
The bartender finally slipped me the bottle and I downed half of it in a single gulp. I turned around and surveyed the bar. People were gathered around tables and pressed against the walls. The music was loud, but I preferred that so I couldn’t hear my own thoughts.
“Are you drunk enough?” a man said a few seats away from me.
“You know you don’t need to get me drunk to take me how you like.” The girl giggled at the end of her sentence.
I glanced over, wondering why this couple wasn’t keeping their voices down.
A man ran his fingers through her hair then tucked it behind her ear. “You look beautiful tonight, Sarah.”
She smirked, a redness coming to her cheeks. “You already have me…you don’t need to butter me up.”
I wanted to gag. I looked away and kept drinking my beer.
“You ready to head to my place?” he pressed.
“You fuck me all the time. Why are you in such a hurry now?” She drank her beer and let him press her into the bar.
He used his size to pin her. Then he placed both arms on either side of her, caging her in. A tattoo marked his entire left arm. It wound around his forearm and reached his wrist.
My blood pounded in my ears.
The girl turned slightly, trying to get out of his grasp. “You’re bossy.”
He dropped his left hand and turned, facing my direction.
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