by KL Myers
“Why would you bring him here? You know how I feel about him.” Just then the doctor walks in, saving my mom from the barrage of verbal lacerations I am about to give her.
“Mr. Ellington, how are you feeling?” the doctor asks. “I could use some pain medication, and you can politely show my parents out the door, please.” He obliges, while my mom tells me she’ll be back in a little bit. “Don’t bother.” I reply. The doctor runs through the standard checks, making sure everything is OK, and fills me in on everything that has happened over the last few days, then leaves me to be alone with Rylee.
“I don’t want my parents or my brother here, Rylee. Do you understand that?” She nods her head, acknowledging she has heard me, but doesn’t say a word. I see the tears building in her eyes, and I know it’s time for damage control. “I’m not mad at you, sweetheart. I’m mad at them.” My thumb brushes the tears from her cheeks. “It’s not that, Braedyn. When Scott called to tell me what happened, I didn’t know what to do. Your parents didn’t call me, and I know I wasn’t their first concern, but if Scott hadn’t called, I would have never known what happened.” I can see she is emotionally upset about this, so I do my best to calm her down. “You’re right, Rylee, I should have you on the emergency call list, and I’ll make sure I get that handled as soon as I get out of here.” I squeeze her hand tightly. She’s crying harder now, and my heart is breaking for her. “I should have been there for you.” Tears are rolling down her face now. “Ry, stop it,” I tell her. “Your crying isn’t going to do you any bit of good. It isn’t going to make the situation any better.” “Braedyn, I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you. Just the thought has my heart already breaking in two. What happened out there? When Scott called, he didn’t say, and I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to ask.” I tell her exactly what happened, from what I can remember. I explain the ins and outs of what I do, because until now, I don’t think she fully understood the risks I take every single day. When I finish laying it all out on the table for her, she takes a deep breath then lets it out. “Brae, I guess I never stopped to think about how dangerous your job really is. I’m not stupid. I know it's dangerous, but it never really sank in until I got the call that day. That call could have been so much worse.” She leans over me and kisses me on the lips. “I can’t lie to you and tell you I won’t worry, because it’s human nature to care about the people you love.” She stops for a moment, and her eyes drop to the ground. A smile crosses my face when realization hits. “Did I just hear you say you love me?” I ask. She slowly nods a yes to me. “I do love you, Brae.” She kisses me once more. “I love you too, Ry.”
Rylee
When it first slipped out that I love him, I wasn’t ready to admit it. He said those words to me a couple of times, but I held out. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to admit that to myself, let alone him. But after everything that has gone on today, I know I am ready now.
“Should we talk about how rude you were to your parents? They’ve been here the whole time, worried sick over you, Brae.” I touch his face and rub the crease building between his brows. “I understand how seeing your brother would upset you, but you shouldn’t have taken it out on your mom. You didn’t see the hurt in her eyes as she was leaving.”
“Babe, the first person I want to see when I open my eyes is you, and the last person I ever want to see is Gauge.”
“Please tell me why you hate him so much. I want to understand. Honestly, I do.” I raise my hand to brush the hair from his eyes and kiss his forehead. “It’s hard for me not to understand what he could have possibly done to make you hate him so much.”
“I don’t want to talk about it, so just drop it, please,” he says and changes the subject. “Let’s talk about those three little words you said.” There’s a mischievous grin on his face. “When were you going to tell me how you feel?” he asks.
“I’m not going to drop the subject,” I tell him. “This is super important to me.” I won’t give in this time, and he knows it. “Look, Rylee, I have my reasons for not wanting Gauge around, and I need you to respect those reasons with no questions asked.” His facial expression tells me I am not getting anything more out of him, so I need to use a different tactic.
“Brae, over the last few days, I’ve had a chance to meet and talk with Gauge. He seems like a nice guy,” I tell him. The disgusted look on Braedyn’s face tells me he doesn’t want to hear any more. Too bad. He is going to hear everything I have to say.
“Look, he was very open about his previous drug problem. I know he broke the law, but how long are you going to hold that against him?” When Braedyn opens his mouth to speak, his tone is anything but pleasant. “Rylee, you’ll never understand. He isn’t what he appears to be, and I don’t want you to be around him. Have you got that?”
“No, Braedyn, I don’t have that. You can’t just tell me not to talk to someone in your family without giving me a good reason as to why. Your mom is delighted to have her eldest son home, and if your mother can forgive what he did in the past, why can’t you?”
“Rylee, drop it. My mom doesn’t know all of it, and she never will, so her opinion of Gauge is based on half-truths.” The heart rate monitor on the machine Braedyn is hooked up to shows he is working himself up. It may be time to drop the subject for a while, but then the door opens and in walks Gidget.
“Mom, you better be alone, or I swear I’ll have you all removed again.”
“It’s OK, son, I am alone. I just needed to make sure you are OK.” The hurt in her eyes is still there. “I was so worried when I got the call from the station telling me you were hurt.” Tears are building up in her eyes. “God, I thought this could be it.” Gidget stops for a moment to collect herself. “Your father and I were down in Florence picking up your brother. During the whole trip up, I kept thinking to myself, ‘What if we don’t get there in time?’” Tears are now streaming from her eyes. “I would have taken your brother home first, but I needed to be here as fast as possible. When we got here, they told us what was going on, and your brother became upset and wanted to stay. He cares about you, Braedyn, so please don’t be like this.”
I am waiting for Brae to explode again, but he seems to have collected himself some. “Mom, I love you. You being here means so much to me, but if you love me and want me to get out of here quickly, please don’t bring Gauge back in here.” She nods her head at her son. “I won’t. I promise. He and your father have gone home. Why don’t you rest some, son? Rylee and I will be here when you wake up.” Braedyn nods his head, closes his eyes, and drifts off to sleep.
Braedyn
AS I CLOSE MY eyes, I lie here listening to my mom and Rylee talk about my brother. Neither of them has a clue what he is really like. They think they are talking too quietly for me to hear, but I can still hear everything they say.
I can’t tell you how many arguments my mom and I had over this. She just doesn't understand that I want nothing to do with Gauge. And she won’t let it go. I have my reasons, so every time she asks me to explain, I change the subject. I was just a kid back then, but even I knew what he was doing was wrong. No one knew how much I idolized my brother, but all that changed the day I followed him to a drug house. I watched him go inside and snuck around to the back of the house to watch through the window. I saw him stick a needle in his arm and top it off with a line of coke up his nose. Then do the same to the girl sitting next to him. I watched as they laughed. Then I watched him rape her. I watched him tie and gag her and do things that were vile and despicable.
I ran from there and decided that I wanted nothing to do with my brother from that day forward. Even though Gauge was so much older than me, he still attempted to be the big brother, but every time he did, I would lash out at him in anger. My mom thought it was us just being boys, but it wasn’t. I never told her what I saw. My mom loved Gauge, and I didn’t think she would ever believe me if I told her.
I didn’t give Gauge a second thought over the years. Out of s
ight, out of mind, right? But now he is here, and whether I like it or not, I’m going to have to deal with him. I can tell from my discussion with Rylee earlier she isn’t going to let this go. She is going to want more from me in regards to why I don’t want to give my brother a chance. How much do I tell her? Thinking about this has my mind going in all sorts of directions as I fall asleep.
I’m an eighteen-year-old boy again, looking through the window of an abandoned home. My brother used this place as a party house and a place to deal his drugs. He found a way to get in and out without anyone noticing. He came here to buy and sell drugs, this I know, but today I’m watching my brother with some girl I have never seen him with before. They are both high as a kite, and Gauge is doing things to her that are disgusting. He’s taunting her about wanting more of what he has to give, and he’s fucking her hard and rough. I watch his hands go around her throat, and he’s squeezing it hard as he’s fucking her. With each thrust into her, he’s pulling her hair and forcing her back on his cock hard. It’s animalistic and not lovingly in any way. The girl screams at him, “Don’t Stop!” Wait, did she say don’t stop? All these years, I could have sworn she was telling him to stop, while he just kept going. Could I have been wrong? I wake with a start and yell in pain from the abruptness of my movements. Rylee is by my side in moments.
“Braedyn, are you OK? What’s wrong, baby? Where you dreaming about what happened at work? Do I need to get a doctor? How do I help you? Gidget, get a nurse.” She’s panicking. “Rylee, stop it. I’m OK. I just had an odd dream. You can stop overreacting now.”
My mom comes to my side and places her hand on my shoulder. “Son, are you OK?” she asks me.
I’m not sure how I’m going to answer that question, because I don’t know if I am all right. All these years, I believed my brother was a monster. I haven’t dreamt about that day in so long, but now that I am reliving it again in my mind, I am questioning which version is the correct version. Is it possible I had it wrong all this time? All those years ago, I thought she was begging him to stop, while he just kept going. As a kid, I didn’t know that two people could enjoy rough sex. As a man, I know that there are women who get off on the pain and being manhandled. Is it possible I had my brother pegged wrong? I need to see him.
“Mom, I’m really tired tonight, but could you ask Gauge to stop by tomorrow? I’d like to talk to him, please.” The look on my mom's face is overjoyed with pleasure. “Sure, son. I’m sure he would love to visit. He was worried about you today.” “Thanks, Mom,” I tell her before I close my eyes again, trying to will myself back to sleep. I’m going to need all the rest I can to build up the strength I need to get answers from my brother.
I wake to the sun shining through the window of my room. Rylee is curled up in a chair that reclines back to mimic a twin bed. She’s so cute all twisted up like a child snuggling with a blanket, but I’m sure she has to be uncomfortable. I hope she hasn’t been sleeping on that thing the whole time I’ve been in here. I need to remember to ask her if she has, and if so, send her home tonight so she can rest properly. Her eyes open slightly, trying to adjust to the bright light coming in through the window. “Morning, Brae, you OK? Do you need me to do anything?” She starts to stand, but I stop her. “Ry, just relax, I’m OK. I was just watching you sleep.” Her hands immediately go to her hair, and she starts to smooth out the tangles. “You haven’t been sleeping here every night, have you?” I ask. “Most of them,” she replies. “But a couple of nights I had to go home to shower and change, so I just slept there. I didn’t like being away from you, but I had clients to meet with, and I couldn’t just cancel the appointments. Thank God though, that I don’t have an eight to five job, because being away from you for more than a couple of hours is intolerable.” She’s up off her makeshift bed and by my side even though I told her not to. “Morning, love,” she says and kisses me. “The doctor was in last night. He may be willing to let you go home soon.” Her smile stretches from ear to ear, and there is a lightness in her eyes that wasn’t there yesterday. “I think this is really good news, don’t you?” she asks.
“Rylee,” I say, “I want out of here and into my bed with you next to me as soon as possible.” Nodding, she replies, “You do realize that even though I’ll be beside you, I won’t be cuddled up to you. Not until those ribs heal a bit more. The last thing I want is to cause you additional pain.” I look her into the eyes, so there is no misunderstanding. “Not having you next to me is more pain than I am willing to endure. I need you by my side at night.” She kisses me again, but this time, it's not a brief kiss; it’s one that tells me she feels the same way I do. “Look, when my mom brings Gauge by today, do you mind giving him and me some time alone to talk?” I watch her eyebrows shoot into her hairline. “Does that mean you’re going to make amends with him, Brae? Oh, I hope so. It would be so wonderful. I want you to have the same relationship with your brother I have with Jax.”
“Don’t get too far ahead of yourself. I just need to talk with him and clear the air about a couple of things. I don’t see us hanging out together and having family dinners.” She laughs. “Well, maybe not yet, but I can always hope, right?”
Gauge
WHEN MOM ARRIVED HOME last night, she told me Braedyn wanted to see me. I was surprised, to say the least. We were close when he was a little kid, but then one year, that all went away and he hated everything about me.
Now I’m standing outside his hospital door, wondering why it is so important he speaks to me today or if it was just wishful thinking on my mom’s side. With a hand on the knob, I turn it and push the door open. His girlfriend, Rylee, is sitting beside him. She is a beautiful girl, and after talking with her in length a few days ago, I know she has a heart of gold. I can see why Braedyn loves her so much.
“Hi,” I say. “How are you feeling, brother?” I’m a little uncomfortable and not sure what to say to him. “Good, Gauge, I’m feeling good. Thanks for asking.” I hear him tell Rylee to give us a minute, and she stands, kisses him on the forehead, and taps me on the shoulder as she walks by. “See you boys later,” she says and leaves.
“So, baby brother, Mom says you want to see me. What’s up?” I look him in the eyes and walk to his bedside, where I sit in the chair that was just vacated by Rylee.
“Look, Gauge, I’m not sure how to ask some of the questions I need to have answers to.” He’s hesitant about continuing, but after a few seconds, he does. “Look, I may owe you a long overdue apology, but I’m not sure how to go about giving it or if it is truly deserved.” He licks his lips. “This is going to seem odd, but I need you to remember a certain day, if you can.”
“I’ll try,” I tell him. “A lot of that time is a blur for me, but ask away.” There is hesitation in his eyes, but he continues. “There was this one day after you left the force and hooked up with the Devils MC. I followed you after school. There was this old, abandoned home you snuck into.”
“Shit, Braedyn, I didn’t know you followed me.” Some undercover I was if I didn’t even see my brother follow me.
“I watched you through the window. You were there with this girl I’d never seen before.” He pauses for a moment. “I watched the two of you shoot up and then…This is where it gets confusing for me. I need you to clarify what exactly happened.”
A look of horror crosses my face. I know the exact day he is talking about. It’s the one and only day I brought Shiloh to the exchange point. If I didn’t, the Devils would have known I wasn’t one of them. “Braedyn, there was only one day I ever had a girl over there. The place was for me and the gang to meet with buyers, but I never took girls there except for one day.” No one knew I was undercover, not my parents, brother, or even Shiloh. “How much did you see?” I can only imagine what he witnessed. That day was probably not my finest moment. I was experimenting with all sorts of drugs back then and trying to understand my propensity for control. I was crossing the lines between right and wrong.
�
�Gauge, I watched you violate that girl, and I need to know why.”
I’m trying to decide how much information I want to part with. “Back then, Braedyn, I didn’t understand a lot about myself. Everything in my life was sheer chaos. I didn’t understand that I needed to be the one to dominate everything around me or even how to bring everything back in order. When I wasn’t in control, I was lost, and I did things I thought would make me feel in control. The girl’s name was Shiloh. She introduced me to a lifestyle I hadn’t yet discovered.”
The wheels are turning in my brother's head. “Look, I learned early on that I like it when women submit to my needs. Shiloh was one of those women. She was twenty-one; I was twenty-seven. She wanted me, because I could provide her with what she wanted, which was someone to fuck her hard, rough, and take her to the edge and bring her back down. She was submissive and thrived on asphyxiation, so what you saw was us playing, brother. I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I would never hurt a woman, I promise you that. She was showing me parts of the lifestyle that I learned I needed to be part of.”
“Thank you, Gauge, for being honest with me. All these years, I’ve thought you were a monster and raped that girl.” Braedyn’s words hurt me. I can’t believe my brother thought that little of me. But then, so much of my life was secret and so different from anything we were ever brought up to understand. He couldn’t possibly understand what he saw, so I can’t hold it against him.
I need to get out of there and think about how much information I am willing to provide my brother about my secret life. I know I need to mend my relationship with him; just how I’m going to do it is beyond me.