Chapter 32: Jay
Jay hated being the reason Marty looked unsure of herself. The minute he’d made that dumb comment about her outfit, he had wanted to take it back and sweep her into his arms, feeling disgusted by the way his question wiped away Marty’s sweet, open smile.
He knew he had to fix this but he only hoped she wouldn’t be too upset upon hearing the truth about why he reacted that way. He tried to meet her gaze but she refused to look at him, pretending to be engrossed in the itinerary on her phone.
Finally, Jay placed his hands on her shoulders and gently moved her toward him.
“Hey, hey... can you stop for a second? I’m sorry. I’m a bastard.” His admission seemed to surprise Marty and she jerked her head up to send him a curious look.
“You look incredible, by the way. That’s what I should have said when you walked into the lobby. You look really amazing, and I should have known you would look just as gorgeous in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt as you do in dresses and heels.”
Jay could feel Marty’s anger softening, which gave him the push he needed to continue with his embarrassing confession.
“I reacted that way because, like I said, I’m a bastard. McFly, I’m sorry. I know I have no right to you, no claim over you, but the thought of 100 guys ogling you has my blood boiling. And that was before you showed up looking like America’s sweetheart and the hottest little thing on two legs, which, incidentally, look fucking incredible in those shorts. So, yeah. I’m sorry. I should have anticipated this and kept my reaction to myself. Please forgive me?”
Jay stole a peek at Marty to try and gauge her reaction, only to find her staring up at him, her cheeks pink and her eyes a little glassy. His breath hitched in his throat upon seeing her like that.
“You okay?” he asked, slightly panicked.
She nodded, too quickly, and broke out of her dazed trance.
“Hey, come on, talk to me. What’s going through your head?”
Her cheeks grew pinker as she shook her head. In that moment, all Jay could think about was getting her back to normal, propriety be damned. He slowly led her to the elevators and she wordlessly got in after him, only sending him the briefest of curious looks when he took them up to his floor.
Finally, as they stood in front of his door, Marty spoke up. “What are we doing here?” she asked, as Jay pulled her inside and shut the door. Jay paced the length of the room while Marty settled primly on the corner of the bed.
“I just thought it would be better for us to talk in private without all those people near us.”
She watched him for a moment before nodding. “Okay then. What do you want to talk about?”
“Are you mad? About what I said?”
“That you’re jealous...?”
“Yeah.”
Marty busied herself with a loose thread on the duvet cover. “I’m not mad, necessarily. I guess, I’m just a little confused, you know? Like, I don’t know how I’m supposed to act normal and businesslike around you when you say stuff like that. Because, I think I’ve made my attraction pretty clear. And you’ve made yours clear, along with the fact that you don’t want to pursue anything while I work for you.”
Jay didn’t respond, just stared at her while holding his breath, impatient to hear the rest of what she had to say.
“So, I guess... what are you getting at here? Because you can’t have it both ways. Either you’re with me or you’re not, but if you’re not, then you don’t really get to dictate what I wear or who looks at certain parts of my body or whether I decide to fuck my way through the MLB’s rookie roster.”
Jay’s mouth went dry, and his breathing sped up. The thought of Marty with anyone besides him made his heart hurt in a way he had not been expecting.
This was more than just simple physical jealousy. He felt this anticipatory pain in his chest and he already knew there was nothing he could do to get rid of it.
“No, don’t... don’t say that. I’m already in a rage thinking about it.”
Marty glared at him, her eyebrows drawn tight and a slight frown on her lips.
Even though Jay felt like he was losing her, he couldn’t help but notice how goddamn adorable she looked, even when she was angry.
He hated making her upset, but all he wanted was to be the guy on the receiving end of all her looks from now on: the happy, the sad, the frustrated, the adorably angry, the turned on, the sleepy, the hungry, the flirty, the playful, the satisfied — he wanted them all.
“Jay. You don’t really get to have an opinion on who I fuck. Or what I wear. And unfortunately, I didn’t pack any muumuus, so this is what you get.”
“You’d look fucking incredible even in a muumuu is the problem,” Jay muttered.
Marty arched her eyebrow but remained quiet, simply observing him as he tried unsuccessfully to regain his composure.
Jay wondered, not for the first time, how on Earth she could turn his entire world upside down with just one look. He was an adult man in his late 30s, for fuck’s sake!
And yet, one raised eyebrow, the slightest quirk of her gorgeously full lips, a scrunching of her adorable nose — and he was done for.
He took a moment to simply stare and marvel at this insanely beautiful woman in front of him. Was it really that unforgivable that he wanted her all to himself and felt like growling any time another man looked in her direction?
Yes, it was.
This was not normal behavior for Jay. He was a progressive, liberal man in 2018. He had never once felt this way about previous girlfriends or fuck buddies.
Deep down, in the normal recesses of his brain, he knew Marty was her own woman and should and would do whatever made her happy. In fact, he loved that about her.
But the caveman part of his brain, the part he hated even admitting still existed, looked at Marty and let out a bellowing cadence of minemineminemineminemine. Mine. Mine. She’s mine. Don’t look at her. Don’t breathe near her. Mine. MINE.
Yeah, this was going to be a problem.
Marty cleared her throat. “Should we get going?”
She looked up at him with such amusement, as if she could somehow read his thoughts and, better yet, didn’t seem to mind them. That must have been the reason for Jay’s next move.
Or maybe he just thought... okay fine, he wasn’t thinking. He wasn’t thinking at all. Nothing beyond the most base, caveman, primal thoughts. This woman. This is my woman. She is mine and I am hers. Must kiss her. Must claim her. Mine.
So he did. He kissed her.
For the tiniest fraction of a section, Marty hesitated, which was enough to send ‘abort! abort!’ missiles to Jay’s brain and he began to pull away from her. He may have been a bastard but the last thing he wanted to do was make her feel like she didn’t have a choice in kissing him.
But just as quickly as he pulled away, her sweet hands were on his cheeks, pulling him back to her, consuming him in the most blistering kiss of his entire life. This was kissing.
And fuuuuuck, was it kissing.
For the first time since he was a pre-teen, Jay was excited about the prospect of just kissing a girl. As an adult, kissing was usually a perfunctory appetizer on the way to the main course. He’d kissed a few girls after first dates, mainly out of obligation, but he truly couldn’t remember the last time a kiss made him feel the way he did when Marty kissed him back.
Feverish. Delirious. Dizzy. Excited. Hopeful.
For what? Jay wasn’t sure. But he felt the hope bloom in the pit of his stomach and transform into something exhilarating. He wanted to explore every part of Marty’s mouth.
She granted him access to her wicked tongue and he frenched her like a teenager after a homecoming game. They were out of breath and messy, all tongues and teeth and moans.
Marty bit his lower lip before gently sucking it into her mouth, teasing and playing and nibbling on it. Despite how good it felt just to kiss her, Jay was thankful he still had the option of moving things forward. He gripped her hips and p
ulled her body flush against his, letting her feel exactly what she did to him.
At the feel of his erection, Marty let out a little moan of desire — or maybe a whimper — that would stick in Jay’s mind until his dying day as the single hottest noise he had ever heard.
Her arms wrapped around his torso, her warm hands pressing and rubbing and skimming over his back, as if she couldn’t quite settle on one place where she wanted to touch him. Her distracted hands turned him on even more. Jay buried his hands in her thick waterfall of hair, loving the feel of those wild strands all around him.
He brushed his thumb over the shell of her ear and nearly came when that small action resulted in a full-body shiver from her. This was somehow more and less intimate than their drunken hook-up the night before. Sure, they weren’t naked. And yet, he felt even more connected to her right now, just kissing her.
He forced himself to pull away from her lips so he could kiss over the rest of her face. He wanted to take this as slow as possible, not knowing when they’d get the chance again. He pressed his lips to her eyelids, her nose, her perfect cheeks, her hairline, her chin.
He began licking his way across her jaw, alternating licks with kisses and nibbles. Finally, he made his way up to her ear and sucked on the lobe, eliciting another delicious moan from her.
“Marty,” he whispered, “goddamnit, what am I gonna do with you?”
She stood, pressed against him, her eyes closed for a moment while he rained soft kisses on her face.
Finally, she opened her eyes and gave him a look of pure wicked desire. “Hmm, I have some ideas. I’m guessing you know what they are....”
Jay released a groan. “You have no idea what you’re asking, do you?”
She fixed him with a deadpan look. “Sex, Jay, I’m asking for sex.”
Her cheekiness only served to turn Jay on even more, if that was possible. How on Earth was it fair that she was this damn gorgeous but also hilarious and genuinely kind and also loved his dog? Was that even possible? Was she real?
“Hey, where’d you go?” she asked softly, running her hand slowly down his chest. Jay sucked in a breath, waiting to see where she would go.
Marty stopped short before reaching the waistband of his pants. She moved her hand back as if she had been burned. Then, as if she’d just made up her mind about something, she slowly placed more distance between herself and Jay, looking ashamed for some reason.
Jay felt the absence of her touch acutely, as the burning heat of her caresses were suddenly replaced by an icy barren loneliness. He watched her as she seemed to reconcile something in her head, aching desperately to grab her again and make her put her arms around him and stay there forever.
The mere feet between them, no more than four or five at best, seemed like an endless ocean on which his waves of desire were crashing into the seawall she was rapidly constructing around her heart.
Jay had to do something to get her back in this ocean with him. He didn’t know how, but somehow he knew without a doubt that if he didn’t get her back to him right now in this room, he would never have another chance with her.
For a brief second, Jay considered the fact that all he wanted for so long was for her to forget about him and move on with her life. A month ago — hell, maybe two weeks ago — he would have loved nothing more than for her to shut him out. He thought he was doing the best thing for her by pushing her away. On a personal and professional level.
And now?
Well, that thought could fuck right the hell off.
Everything so far had been building to this moment: the hot as hell kiss in his office, the flirty texts, the fact that Marty was the only woman in his entire life to ever make him feel like he was enough as is.
There was no pretense with her, no games, only honesty. She had only ever been honest about her feelings toward him — that desire mixed with genuine interest that they tried to ignore at first.
Jay wouldn’t — no, he couldn’t — let her go like this. He couldn’t do this to her. Or to himself. Sure, he was still a little worried about the optics of being with someone nearly 15 years younger than he was. Who was technically his subordinate. Especially considering everything that happened with his dad.
But none of that mattered. How could it matter?
Jay wasn’t his father. And Marty wasn’t his prey. His desire for her would have been absolutely the same regardless of whether he met her at work or in line at the bank or at a mutual friend’s funeral (though he could admit that the last option would have been weird. Still, he would want to get in her pants).
Suddenly, Jay saw everything with crystal-clear clarity and it hit him harder than he had expected.
Fuck, had he really been about to let her leave? This life-affirming beauty with the sharp wit and the killer smile who made him feel invincible and desired and respected, all at the same time?
What the fuck was his problem? He needed to find a new therapist ASAP because clearly he was losing his goddamn mind.
Perhaps a moment too late, Jay realized that he was breathing hard enough to warrant a curious gaze from Marty. She seemed very sad and very small all of a sudden.
Jay hated it. His girl wasn’t supposed to be sad, ever. Not on account of him, at least.
“Um, I’ll just go, okay?” she said, seemingly a little wary of the intensity emanating from his pores. “I’m sorry.” Marty turned toward the door.
Jay steeled himself. “No.”
Marty adopted a casual, breezy tone, but Jay could tell she was hurt. “It’s fine, I’ll just move my flight up and head back to LA. I can work on your desk through spring training and then I think Ralph will be back by the time it’s over.
Jay shook his head. “No,” he said, more firmly this time.
Marty turned around to face him, frowning. “I’m just trying to make this easier,” she whispered, “from an emotional but also a practical standpoint. It wouldn’t make sense to toss a brand new assistant into the fray of spring training and...” — she trailed off, unsure of herself. “I guess, if you just want to make a clean break then I can’t blame you, and I’ll head back and wrap things up within the next day or so.”
Too many thoughts were fighting for attention in his brain and he could barely focus on what he wanted to say, let alone the things she was saying.
“Marty. Please. Can you just... hush... for a second?”
Marty appeared taken aback by the command and floundered mid-sentence, her mouth silently forming words. “I — did you just tell me to hush?”
Jay nodded and rubbed his hand over his face, hoping to gather the runaway train of his thoughts long enough so he could articulate everything to this beautiful confused girl in front of him. “I’m sorry, I’m just... I’m trying to think for a second.”
Without missing a beat, Marty replied, “Well don’t hurt yourself too much, champ.” There was a flash of her trademark sparkle and Jay couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. He couldn’t stand seeing her so unsure of herself, knowing that his actions made her feel that way.
He took a tentative step in her direction and tried not to shatter when he saw her flinch a little as he got closer. Jay stopped his forward movement and stuck his hand in his pockets in order to prevent himself from reaching out to her. “Why did you stop?”
Marty raised an eyebrow in confusion.
“You were really into what we were doing, and you were trailing your hand down my chest. It kind of felt like you were... you know. Going to go there,” he said, tipping his head toward his crotch.
“Oh,” she said, a faint pink blush creeping up her cheeks. She seemed to be bracing herself for her own confession of sorts. She inhaled deeply and squared her shoulders before speaking, her voice smooth and measured.
“Look, I think I’ve made it clear that I... want you. God that’s embarrassing. I swear this sounded less desperate in my head.”
She forced herself to barrel forward. “Anyway, we’ve obviously
had a few experiences where I took the lead, like at your office that one night. And every time, you say ‘I don’t know if I can do this’ or ‘this is so wrong,’ and then you push me away, leaving me to get myself off in the work bathroom like some horny maniac.”
Jay’s eyes widened and he choked a little at her confession. “Wait, what?” Marty didn’t acknowledge the question.
“Or, even worse, you engage in these activities with me and then act like it was a mistake — like last night. You basically said you regretted it. Which okay fine, I’m a big girl, I can deal with it. But it’s the same cycle over and over again. You pull me in and then push me away and then get jealous and then pull me in again. And, you know what? I’m just... I’m not going to put myself out there like that again. I’m better than that. I’ve never been this person before, relentlessly pursuing someone I’m interested in. It’s a foreign feeling to me. To be honest, I feel a little ashamed by it. God, is this what being a man is like?”
She laughed wryly at her own comment.
“So, anyway, I’m done. I won’t keep throwing myself at you like I have no self-respect. I swear I do, I really do. Just, something about you is...,” she shook her head and looked away for a moment, “I don’t even know. I feel like we’re magnets or something. But... it’s okay if you don’t feel like that. It’s okay if you don’t feel anything. I’m sorry, am I making this weirder? You wanted an explanation and I’m just... I’m tired of this. It’s too much and somehow not enough at the same time.”
She didn’t meet his gaze, and Jay wasn’t sure he wanted her to. He was terrified of how she might look at him, with all the pain and hurt and confusion he had caused.
Jay was holding his breath. Oh Marty. Sweet sweet Marty. Jay felt like he was going to spontaneously combust just from hearing her say all of those things.
How could she possibly believe he didn’t want her? Or didn’t feel anything? What on Earth was he doing with himself to make this girl — the only woman he’d ever fallen for — doubt his feelings toward her?
He stalked toward her, thrilled that she didn’t flinch this time. He stopped short just two inches away from her. Marty’s breathing grew shallow as Jay looked down at her. Her eyes were incredibly bright.
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