by E. A. West
“I could come up to your room. I’m sure you’re worn out from everything that happened today.”
“Yeah, kind of.” She fidgeted with a pen. What could he want to talk to her about? “Go ahead and come over here. I’m sure I’ll be done with this paper by the time you call for me to let you in.”
She finished her paper, and then tidied her room while she waited for Josh’s call. It came about ten minutes later, and she went downstairs to let him in. As she led him to the stairwell, she glanced at him, noting his pensive expression. Lord, please help him with whatever’s bugging him. Josh remained silent as they went up to her room. Once inside, he sat in her desk chair, and she plopped onto her bed, sitting cross-legged with her back against the wall.
He still seemed reluctant to speak, so Cindy decided to take the straightforward approach she used with Danny. “You wanted to talk to me about something. The only way that’s going to happen is if you actually talk.”
A small smile lifted the corners of his mouth. “Danny was right. You know when to push.”
“I’m glad to know my instincts work on someone other than him.” Her own smile faded as she studied him. “So, what’s up?”
Josh sighed and slouched a little lower in the chair. “What you said about Danny accidentally killing that kid really got to me. I wasn’t completely honest when I said I couldn’t imagine what he was going through. I can imagine, because I’m going through something similar.”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t know anything about treating kids, so I had to guess on dosages and stuff.” He lowered his head, his voice growing softer as he continued. “There was a little girl, maybe six or seven years old. She’d gotten caught in crossfire and was in severe pain from a couple of gunshot wounds. The bullets hit in a bad place, so it would have been a struggle to keep her alive long enough to repair the damage, but it might have been possible.”
Cindy waited a moment, but he showed no sign of continuing. “What happened?”
“I couldn’t take her cries of pain anymore. It was ripping straight through my heart to listen to her, and I had pain medication.” He looked up, his eyes damp. “I gave her a really low dose, and it seemed to help. She quit screaming and wasn’t as restless. I had to slap a bandage on one of our guys, and when I went back to the girl, she’d quit breathing. I tried to revive her, did everything I knew how to do, but she was already gone.”
Oh, Father, heal him. His pain was just as tangible as Danny’s, and she couldn’t stand not comforting him. She got up and gave him a hug. “You did what you could to save her. That’s the important thing.”
He put his arms around her and nodded. “Some surgeon I talked to later said the amount of pain medication I gave her was small enough it probably hadn’t killed her. And even if it had, she likely would have died from her injuries anyway.”
Cindy held him a moment longer then straightened and returned to her seat on her bed. “It’s like you said at the hospital; kids are the worst kind of casualties.”
“Yeah, it’s not their fault we had to go into their country. If there are any truly innocent victims, it’s the kids.” He sighed and ran a hand across his eyes before lifting his head. “So, how am I for a great example of a so-called average war veteran who came home with no problems?”
“Like Danny once told me, you all have stuff you’d rather forget.”
“I do a pretty good job of ignoring that stuff most of the time, but every once in a while, it won’t be ignored.” Josh looked insecure for the first time since she had met him. “Do you think there’s a chance I can find someone to love me, guilty conscience and all?”
Where had that come from? She stared at him for a moment before she found her voice. “That’s an odd question.”
“Not really. Danny’s got you, Corbin has Monique, Lacey’s got Matt.” He released a heavy sigh. “Halbert’s taken your friend Tana out a few times. Even Alex has a girl he’s talking to. I seem to be the only one incapable of finding someone who’s not taken and can stand me.”
“That just means you haven’t found the right girl yet, not that you’re unlovable.” Should I, Lord? She decided to risk it. “If you want, I can find ways for you to spend time with my friends. You know, the ones you met at the free concert? Most of them are unattached.”
Josh groaned and then chuckled. “Oh, man. I come up here to let you know I understand your boyfriend’s guilt trip, and I get a matchmaking offer. How pathetic is that?”
She grinned, glad to see his mood lifting. “I’ll make a deal with you to make it less pathetic.”
“I’m listening.”
“Help me write an outline for my research paper on veterans, and I’ll set up a movie night with my friends, you, and any random guys you want to bring, as long as they’re good guys.”
He studied her for a long moment, obviously considering her idea. “I’ll accept your offer on one condition. You never tell anyone about this conversation.”
She laughed and held out her hand. “It’s a deal.”
He shook her hand then leaned back in his chair. “Now, why do you need my help with your outline? I thought you’ve been doing research and knew all about your paper.”
“Well, I thought so, too, but this whole thing with Danny has thrown me for a loop, and I have to turn in the outline Friday.” She sighed and leaned back against the wall. “I want to make sure I give you guys a fair write-up, but I don’t know if I can do that with Danny and his problems on my mind. If you help me with the outline, I can be sure I’ll hit on veterans like Danny and Lacey who have psychological or physical issues, but I’ll also give equal attention to average veterans like you and Halbert.”
“That makes sense.” Josh picked up her open computer and handed it to her. “So, where do you want to start?”
They’d been working for about twenty minutes when Leann came in with Chrissy, Alicia, and Patti. The four girls stopped and stared at Josh, who had moved to sit beside Cindy so he could see the computer screen. He ran his gaze over them, briefly lingering on the DVD case in Alicia’s hand. Then he lifted an eyebrow at Cindy.
“Do you have some kind of telepathic power you failed to mention?”
She laughed and rolled her eyes. “You’re a dork.”
“Uh, hey, Cindy,” Leann said, her expression puzzled. “Are we interrupting something?”
“Just me writing an outline for my sociology term paper.” She saved the document and shut her computer. “You guys remember Josh, right? He was helping me with the outline.”
Leann nodded, her expression clearing. “How’s Danny?”
“Hospitalized with severe depression. He also has a broken hand, but he’ll be okay.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Leann glanced at the girls she’d come in with, and then returned her attention to Cindy and Josh. “We were going to watch a movie. You guys want to watch with us?”
“I could use a good movie about now. It’s been a very long, very stressful day.” Cindy glanced at the veteran observing her friends with interest. “What do say, Josh? You want to stick around and watch who knows what?”
He tapped his chin with a pseudo-serious expression. “Hmm, a mystery movie with five beautiful women or an empty apartment with only textbooks for company… I think I’ll go with the movie.”
Laughter filled the room, and Cindy set her computer on her desk. It looked like she wouldn’t have to arrange a way for Josh to hang out with her friends; Leann had taken care of all the work for her without even realizing it. And from the way Josh and Leann kept looking at each other, he just might have found the girl to end his dating drought.
Chapter Twenty-One
As soon as Cindy stepped into the psychiatric ward, she questioned whether the nurse who had assured her Danny was doing well had actually seen him. He sat with his head down at the table farthest from the door. The other patients gave him a wide berth, and the nurse behind the desk looked skeptical as Ci
ndy walked over to him.
Danny glanced up as she stopped by his table, and surprise flashed across his features before his gaze became guarded. “Hey. I didn’t think you’d come.”
“Of course I came,” Cindy said with a smile as she sat down beside him. “Did they tell you I called this morning to see how you’re doing?”
He shrugged and looked down. “They said something about it, but I thought they were lying.”
She reached over to grasp his left hand. He had the other dangling beside him, out of her sight. “Danny, if they tell you I called, it’s because I called. I love you, so I’m going to check on you and visit you as often as I can.”
He stared at her hand for a moment then entwined his fingers with hers. “I guess I can try to believe them next time.”
“Good.” She held out the card she carried in her other hand. “Here, your parents asked me to give this to you.”
His brow furrowed as he let go of her to take the yellow envelope. “You shouldn’t be carrying stuff with that hand.”
“A card is light enough that it’s okay. If it hurts, I won’t do it, but carrying that card didn’t hurt at all.”
He nodded and untucked the unsealed flap with his thumb. Sighing, he lifted his injured hand so he could pull out the card. The cast mostly covered his fingers and ran to the middle of his forearm. Cindy reached over and lightly touched the plaster.
“Hey, now we match.”
“Yeah, but you never should have needed a cast.” His gaze never left the colorful card in his hand.
“Danny, we’ve been over this. It was an accident.” She prayed her firm tone would get him to listen and finally believe her. “I’m not mad at you. I don’t hold you responsible. It was just bad luck that I was so close to that barrier.”
He glanced at her, his expression filled with pain. “But if I hadn’t shoved you down — if I hadn’t had that flashback — it wouldn’t have made a difference how close you were to it. You never would have hit your wrist on it, because you wouldn’t have been on the ground.”
She draped her arm around his shoulders, praying for the wisdom to help him understand. “I want you to start thinking about that whole incident the same way I do. Yes, you shoved me down in the middle of a flashback, but you honestly believed I was in danger and that you were saving my life. Knowing you care so much about me that you’re willing to risk your own safety to keep me safe is a wonderful thing. It lets me know you love me and makes me love you even more. I’ve always wanted to fall in love with a man who would protect me.”
“But who’s going to protect you from me?”
Danny’s whisper brought tears to her eyes, and she put her other arm around him to hold him tightly. “Oh, Danny. What is it going to take for you to see that I’m not worried about it? I know you’ve got problems, that you could have a flashback at any moment and do who knows what. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take because you’re the man I love. Like I said before, you may be different now than you were before the army, but that different man is the one I fell in love with.”
He slipped his arms around her. “I don’t want to hurt you again, even if it’s just an accident. You’re too special to have to deal with that.”
“That’s why you’re here, to get the help you need to hopefully keep you from having that severe a flashback again. The nurse told me this morning that they’re adjusting your medication and working to find the right combination and dosages to keep you stable. Once they do, I’m sure you’ll be okay.”
He nodded and buried his face in her hair, taking a deep breath. “Thank you so much for coming. I need you.”
“That’s why I’m here.” She continued to hold him, wishing she knew how to help him. His caseworker’s words kept coming back, reminding her that she only needed to love Danny.
After a moment, he released her and sat back. “I better read this card. My parents always send me cards when I’m in the hospital. They think I forget people care about me.”
Cindy leaned against his shoulder as he opened the card. “From how surprised you seemed that I showed up, I think they might be right.”
He sighed and tossed the card on the table in front of them. “Not exactly. I know they care and that a couple of other people care. It’s girlfriends I’m not sure about.”
She straightened and tried to meet his gaze. He looked away. She took hold of his hand and gave it a squeeze. “Danny, talk to me. Why don’t you believe a girlfriend could care about you while you’re in the hospital?”
“Because my last one didn’t.”
He stood and she joined him as he grabbed the card and headed toward the nurse’s station. After he handed it to the nurse behind the desk, they silently walked around the open dayroom between the nurse’s station and the locked entrance of the ward. Cindy left him to his thoughts. He was obviously struggling with something. Was he finally going to tell her about his high school sweetheart? She hoped so; as difficult as it might be to hear about whatever had happened, it couldn’t possibly be worse than not knowing.
Finally, Danny put an arm around her shoulders and pressed a kiss to her temple. “You know I love you, right?”
“Yes, and I love you, too,” she said, laying her head on his shoulder as she matched his slower pace.
“I’m working hard to believe that,” he murmured, holding her a little tighter. He heaved a heart-rending sigh. “Cindy, I need to tell you something that you might not want to hear, but I think you need to hear it so you can understand me a little better.”
She shoved down a sudden attack of nerves and slipped her arm around his waist. “You know I’ll listen to anything you want to tell me.”
“Yeah, but this is different. This isn’t related to the army.”
“I want to know about you,” she said, looking him in the eye, “not just what happened while you were in the army.”
He nodded, but he didn’t speak for several more circuits of the room. She wanted to shake him, force him to talk to her and end the suspense threatening to kill her, but she remained silent. She knew from experience that he’d talk when he was ready.
At the entrance of the long hall containing patient rooms, he stopped and glanced around the dayroom then led Cindy back past the nurse’s station. He guided her into a small, windowed room with a couple of tables, a few heavy plastic chairs, and no people. After closing the door, they sat down next to each other, and he took a deep breath before putting his arm around her and drawing her close. “I should have told you about Shannon a long time ago, but it’s not something I like to think about, let alone talk about.”
Cindy laid her hand on his chest, not surprised his heart was racing. Her own pulse was a little fast, but she wasn’t sure if it was anxiety over what he might say or anticipation of finally hearing the story of the girl he’d almost married. Father, please guide me through this potential minefield. “It’s okay. You’re telling me about her now. Right?”
“Yeah.” He sighed again before speaking. “I met Shannon in January of my senior year of high school. We started going out and kept getting closer as time went on. After graduation I went into the army, and she went to college. We kept up our relationship, even though the distance made it hard.”
Cindy moved her hand to his leg and laid her head on his shoulder. He needed to know she still loved him regardless of what he said. He gave her a hug before continuing.
“Three years ago, when I was home between deployments, I proposed to her. She accepted, and I thought we’d be together forever. I mean, we’d already been together for four and a half years, even though we’d been apart for a good portion of that time.” Danny gave a short, bitter laugh and glanced at Cindy. “I learned a lot about Shannon after that.”
“What happened?”
“She started resenting my military service.” He shifted his gaze to the exterior window across from the door. “I’d known for a while that she was struggling with me being gone so much, but sh
e always assured me she was fine. Then I started having problems for a lot of reasons. I came home with two weeks of leave, and I spent it with Shannon and my family. I was depressed when I came home, and I needed to see my fiancée. She was the girl I loved… or thought I did, anyway. Turns out she didn’t love me as much as she’d said. During that leave, I felt like she was distant from me and didn’t really want to spend time with me. She kept assuring me everything was fine, so I thought maybe I was just paranoid because of the depression.
“After I went back, her letters and emails kept coming, and they sounded like they always had. When I talked to her on the phone, she told me how much she missed me and how she couldn’t wait for me to come home. Then a lot of stuff went down, and I lost it. I got shipped back to the U.S. and put on a psych ward. Shannon sent me two cards, and I talked to her on the phone maybe four or five times in a month. My parents sent cards twice a week and called every day. They even came to visit for a week, but Shannon couldn’t be bothered to come for one day. The last time I talked to her, she told me she couldn’t handle a husband with problems.”
Danny shuddered, and Cindy wrapped her arms around him, her heart aching for him. How could anyone treat such a wonderful guy so coldly, especially when he needed her the most?
He held Cindy close, continuing in a softer voice. “The worst part isn’t that she broke off the engagement while I was hospitalized. That was probably the best time she could have done it, since I was surrounded by people who could help me deal with it. No, the worst part is she told me she’d been seeing another guy while I was deployed. That’s why she’d seemed distant when I was home on leave. She’d just started dating some business grad student who had a guaranteed spot in his father’s Fortune 500 company as soon as he graduated. A week after she ended it with me, I found out she and her other boyfriend had been engaged for two months. She married him three months later.”