by Mia Ford
“Are you the reason?” Dad asks cryptically. When Brandon doesn’t answer, he senses that he needs to continue. “The reason that my Lo has been much happier recently?” My eyes widen in shock. I thought I was so discrete with my feelings. “Oh, I know that she’s tried to hide it from me but I can tell that she’s going through some big changes. I thought love because of the way she now bounces as she walks, and now I can see I was right.”
Me and Brandon share a panicked look. The L word is something we definitely shouldn’t say aloud but that isn’t something that we can say to my dad right now while he’s sick.
“Oh well, he’s my friend, we’ve been hanging out,” I stammer as a blush fills my cheeks. “It’s nothing to worry about, or nothing to get excited about. It is what it is.”
Urgh, there it is again, those words. They sum up more than I ever thought possible. Now I can see why Brandon likes them so much.
“Hmm, I see,” Dad replies, sounding a bit bemused. “Well, I think something different. I think there’s something much more between you, but what do I know? I’m just a sick old man lying in a bed because my body keeps failing me.”
I don’t know how to answer that question, it sends me into a spiral of panic. I can’t look at Brandon anymore for fear of what he’s thinking about my dad and his heavy words. Words that definitely shouldn’t have been spoken aloud, not when things are so confusing between me and him.
“Shall I go and get a nurse?” Brandon asks rapidly. “See what’s going on here?”
I nod rapidly and watch as he leaves in a hurry. Seeing him go makes me feel oddly vulnerable as I wait for the onslaught of questions that’s undoutably about to come from my dad. It takes me a few moments to even turn my neck back to face him because I’m in such a state of panic. And as I finally do I wish I hadn’t.
“He is more important to me than you’re letting on,” Dad says with the shake of his head. “I don’t know why you feel like you had to keep him a secret…”
“Because he’s going,” I jump in quickly before he gets carried away. “This is only a short term thing. We both know what it is. As soon as his project is finished he’ll be back in the city and it’ll all be over.”
“It doesn’t have to be,” he replies in a matter of fact tone. “The long distance thing didn’t stop your mother and I in the beginning.”
“What?” I lean in, this isn’t a story that I’ve ever heard before. “You and Mom did the long distance thing?”
“We did.” He smiles to himself. “I actually met her when she came here on vacation. She was only here for ten days so it was a short term thing. But the amount of time we spent together was enough for me to know. I just knew that it was love.”
“How did it work?” I don’t know if I’m asking just to know or for myself as well, but I can’t resist. I need some answers. “When she went back home?”
“We wrote letters, we visited one another, we did all that we could to make it work. It’s just one of those things that if you’re both determined enough, you can make it happen, you know?”
I don’t know what to say. In all honesty this has left me speechless. It’s opened my eyes to the way that things can work if both parties want it to. I don’t know if that applies to me and Brandon, it hasn’t been long enough for me to be able to tell.
Then again Mom and Dad only needed ten days, so maybe I just need to pull my finger out and acknowledge how I feel. I know it, I just need to accept it.
Chapter 12 – Brandon
“And he’s out now, is he?” I say smilingly into the phone, cradling it close to my ear as I walk through the building site. “That’s good. All settled in back home?”
“Just about.” I can already hear how weary she sounds in her voice. “I’ve just got him into bed, and he’s looking much better.” She pauses thoughtfully and I give her a second to work out what she wants to say next. “Something really strange happened, as I left the hospital.” I don’t say anything even though I already know exactly what she’s talking about. “The bill for all the hospital care… it was already paid. Paid in full.”
I bite down on my bottom lip as I try to decide how I want to play this. I don’t really want to tell her that it was me but I don’t want to lie to her either. I choose to play it off as best as I can. “Well, that’s good isn’t it? Means you don’t have anything else to worry about… oh, hold on I have to go. Hank is trying to catch my attention, I think he needs my help with something. I better go but I’ll see you later on okay? Bye!”
Guilt crushes me as I hang up and I’m also acutely aware that it won’t be the end of it, but at the same time I don’t want to try and work out how to deal with this now.
“All okay, boss?” Hank asks me with a knowing wink. “Trouble in paradise?”
“No, no, it’s all good.” I give him the brightest smile I can manage. “How’s it going?”
I glance around looking at everything he’s achieved. The guys have done a wonderful job here, they’ve brought the plans to life without much instruction from me. I’m going to recommend that my father use Hank and his guys on all future projects. They’re awesome. Okay, so maybe it doesn’t fit in with the rest of the town, I will admit that, but it looks good.
“Actually, Hank, I might have a side project for you and a couple of the guys, once we’re done here. If that’s okay with you? I’ll pay you well, of course.”
“Oh right, sure.” He looks a bit surprised. “What is it?”
I think of Lola and how happy she’ll be if I manage to pull this off. “There’s an abandoned lake around here, sort of over there.” As I aimlessly point, Hank’s face brightens in recognition. Of course he knows it, he’s obviously lived here long enough. “Well I want it renovated, if that’s okay with you?”
“Oh right.” He looks a bit confused for a moment but that soon passes. “Does this maybe have anything to do with your girl?”
“It does,” I admit. “I’ll give you all the details when I’ve worked it out.” My cell phone blasts out, grabbing my attention once more. I smile, assuming that it must be Lola again. I like it when it seems like she just can’t get enough of me. “Hold on, I better get this.”
As I move away from Hank and I stare at the screen of my phone, I realize that it isn’t Lola after all. It’s my dad which instantly has my heart leaping up into my throat. He hasn’t rung me once with good news since I’ve been here, it’s always been criticism and questions that are damn near impossible to answer. It sucks, and it makes me think about what Lola said to me when we first met. When she asked me if this is what I want to be doing with my life. It isn’t, I know that, but I don’t know what I want to do instead.
I suck in a couple of deep breaths, then hit the answer button. “Hello?”
“Brandon,” his tone is sharp, he doesn’t sound happy. “Give me an update.”
I squeeze my fists together, trying to keep some of my temper inside. I’m a freaking adult, I’m his son, and I’m high up in the company. Why does he have to talk to me like a child? It really winds me up.
“It’s going well. We’re ahead of schedule. I can email you some pictures if you like?”
“Hank has already done that, I want to know from your point of view. We are over the budget, aren’t we?”
Oh God, I almost forgot that part. “Yes, but there are reasons for that…”
“That’s what I want to know. That’s why I’m calling you.”
I let my eyes slide closed and I suck in a couple of deep breaths. “That might be something I should email you,” I say through gritted teeth as I try to keep my cool. “I don’t think I can go through it all on the phone with you now.”
Dad sighs loudly and angrily. “Fine, but I expect it this afternoon okay? And I need you to be more involved in the future. If investors want to know the numbers and what’s going on with everything you have to have all the information. If you don’t, you seem weak, you appear poor and unreliable. How do you
think I’ve got so far in life?”
I don’t say anything to that, I just wait for his rant to come to an end. There’s nothing I can say that won’t make it worse. I’ve learnt this over time. I just grip my thigh hard so I have some physical pain to focus on rather than the emotional agony my father always gives me. Well anger and hate really, but it’s so damn negative.
“I get by because I always know everything, and if you want to be as successful as me, then you need to as well. I only tell you this because we care.”
“Right. Sure. I’ll get on that.” Urgh he’s winding me up. “I have to go now, bye.”
Once I hang up the phone I huff and shake my head. I wanted to go to the lake with Hank, I wanted to decide what I want to be doing, but instead I’m going to be pointlessly working out numbers for something that’s already been done. This feels like utter bullshit to me.
“You okay, boss?” Hank asks me.
“I need Archie,” I tell him grimly. “I need to set out a report for my dad.”
“Oh the boring paper work bit.” He rolls his eyes in an understanding way. “Let’s get this done.”
***
I collapse onto the grubby, uncomfortable bed in the motel room face down as a weariness overcomes me. I haven’t been staying here much, thankfully because I’ve had Lola to keep me company. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to last as long as I have done if I’d been forced to stay here. But now, instead of going to see her, I’m here.
What is going on with me? I think as I twist around in my bed to stare up at the slightly cracked ceiling. Why do I feel so churned up?
I know really. Speaking to dad always reminds me about what life’s going to be like when I return to the city. It makes me really understand that I need to keep my distance with Lola. I keep knowing that, but acting upon it is something else. Even now I know that it would be much better if I just kept away, but the tug in my chest is all too real. I’m torn.
I don’t move while I debate this inside my mind. Probably because I think if I don’t move then I will be able to keep away, but of course I can’t avoid the real world forever.
Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…
“Oh God,” I murmur while turning over onto my left side. “What am I going to do?”
I decide to just tell her that I can’t hang out tonight. Maybe one night of distance will be the start towards our slow separation. The building work is getting ever closer to ending, it really won’t be as long as I’d like it to be in this town, so this will be good.
God when I first arrived here I didn’t think I’d see the day where I didn’t want to leave.
Just be strong, I tell myself. Just be strong and give an excuse.
“Hey, Lola,” I say warmly. “How are you? I’ve had a terrible day…”
“Oh well that’s why I’ve cooked you something.” I slide my eyes closed as I realize just how challenging this will be. “I thought you sounded a bit stressed earlier.”
“Oh that’s so kind of you, I am just a bit…” I don’t get my words out because she continues to talk over me as if she can’t sense my inner turmoil at all.
“I’m sorry, I know a big part of it must be my fault. It can’t be easy for you to look after me, see to my dad, and work your ass off as well. I just want to do something nice for you. To say thanks.”
How can I resist that? I know I can’t. Not without seeming like a real asshole. “Okay, sure. I’ll just get ready and I’ll be there.”
I push my weary body off the bed and I loosen my tie. I have gotten very used to spending time with Lola in a much more casual outfit than I’d usually wear. Everything with her is more comfortable and relaxed. It’s like a completely different life style that I didn’t even know I craved.
But of course I can’t crave it because it’ll never be mine. Yes, it might be a nice idea to think of doing something else with my life, it might be a good fantasy to consider taking control of my life and moving it into a new direction, but I can’t realistically. My dad has been good to me, even if he’s hard. He’s given me my position and opened up doors for me. He’s given me all the money I could want in life. I need him. Plus, without Mom all we have is each other, I can’t be a douche bag and let him down. I can’t leave him too. He might not say it a lot, and he doesn’t really act that way, but I do think he needs me.
As I throw a tee shirt over my head and I pull on a pair of jeans, I glance at myself in the mirror. I don’t recognise the person looking back at me, but I might as well not get used to it. This version of me won’t be around for much longer.
Just as I’m about to grab my car keys, my cell phone bleeps with an email coming through. I click onto it to see that it’s from my father.
‘Good job, Son. This is you taking control. I like to see you being a leader.’
A warm feeling fills my chest. See, he does respect me. He just pushes and pushes me hard to make sure I can get to where I need to be in life. I have to be grateful to him for that. I need to stop getting offended and to just embrace his words. He only has my best interests at heart. He wants me to succeed, I just need to want that for myself instead.
Maybe I don’t necessarily like what I do with my life, but then again who does? How many people are geuninly always excited to go to work every day? Barely anyone. Rather than worrying about what I like, maybe I should just work harder at getting better at it instead. That would be a much more productive use of my time. Being positive is always better thank being negative.
I need to get my head back in the city, to my real life. I have to force myself to slowly let go of here.
Chapter 13 – Lola
I’m all excited as I wait for Brandon to arrive. I’m wearing a floaty, summer style dress which clings to my hips and skims my legs mid thigh. It reveals just a little bit of cleavage too which is awesome. With my hair in two plaits running down my front, I think I actually look pretty good. Much better than I have done the last few days in the hospital anyway. I couldn’t help it then, I was too stressed to look good. I just wore whatever and looked a mess, but Brandon stuck by me the whole time. He really didn’t have to, but he did. That’s why I’ve cooked him a nice meal and I’ve brought some nice wine. I can’t afford much but I can do this for him. I can try and make him smile.
I also want to find out whether or not he paid the hospital bill for me. It isn’t going to be easy to get out of him, but it has to be him. Who else could it be?
As his heavy knocks come against the door, my heart flutters with excitement. I get a delicious thrill racing up and down my spine. He’s here, and that makes me feel like jelly.
I definitely like him far too much, I think to myself as I take the steps to close the distance between me and the door. It’s dumb, but I might even love him.
I don’t think that I’ve ever been in love before. I thought I was when I was with Rory, but that was high school, small town stuff. Mostly it was just comfortable, not the sort of thing to last full term even if my mom hadn’t gotten sick. I didn’t know any better then, but now I do. Now I know what it feels like when someone seems to complete me.
I think my dad must be right, I think there might be something genuine between me and Brandon and I actually believe it might be something worth fighting for. If Mom and Dad managed to make it work in a world before cell phones and the Internet, then surely me and Brandon can do it. We don’t even live that far away from one another, it’s only about an hour and a half in the car. It isn’t life altering distance. If we want to, we could do it. I know that I’m committed, I just need to work out if Brandon is as well.
“Hey there,” I say in a flirty tone of voice as I push the door open. “How are you?”
Instantly I can sense that he isn’t himself, I don’t even need to say anything. He looks pale and distracted, almost as if he doesn’t want to be here at all. I suddenly think back to the phone call we shared not that long ago and I was so keen to get him over here that I di
dn’t notice the strain in his voice. Maybe there’s a reason that he doesn’t want to be here.
My emotions fall flat, I feel my heart sink into my shoes. I don’t want Brandon to be here unwillingly. I was so excited, I’ve spent all day as soon as I got Dad into bed looing forward to being with him. Now he’s here and it isn’t like I planned it to be at all.
I fold my arms over my chest awkwardly as I step aside to let him in. I got all dressed up nice for him and he hasn’t even looked at me. It’s completely humiliating.
“Erm, yeah, good day,” he replies gruffly without even asking me about my own day. “The project is getting much closer to being completed now.”
Oh… maybe that’s it. Maybe he doesn’t like the idea of leaving. As soon as I fill him in with my idea to potentially at least try a long distance thing a go he might cheer up. I just need to wait for the right moment for it. I need to wait until he’s loosened up a bit.
“I suppose you’ll want a drink then.” I grab two wine glasses and fill them up while my heart thunders against my rib cage. My brain spins rapidly as I try my hardest to find the right words to say. “It must be good to know that you’ve done a good job though, right?”
“You haven’t even seen it,” he snaps back sharply as he takes the glass from me. “How do you know that I’ve done a good job? It might be a mess.”