It was a promise. Somehow he would make it through this night. If that meant getting Ryan and David to tie him to a chair and sit on him, so be it.
“Of course you will.” She actually seemed convinced. “But call Doug. He’s your sponsor. He’ll be there for you. I know you believe you can do this on your own, but—”
“I don’t. Not anymore. I think I need all the help I can get.”
“Okay. Well, good.” She got quiet. “I believe in you, Gray.”
“Yeah.” She always had. He rubbed the stubble on his chin and tried to picture her face. “I don’t know if you’ve talked to Neil recently but—”
“He called.” Tori cleared her throat. “It’s good, huh? You’ll be back in the game in no time.”
“Maybe, yeah.” He’d been giving some serious thought as to what he wanted his life to look like from this point on and the revelations were startling.
“Guess this means you’ll be going back on tour soon?”
“I’m not planning on it.” A breeze floated up from the water but didn’t really soothe him. His heart was in too much turmoil.
“You’re not?” Did she sound hopeful or was that wishful thinking?
“No.” He’d made up his mind a few days ago. “I don’t want to go back to that life. Things are going to look a little different this time around. No tours right now. I’ll be doing some studio time, though. Maybe in New York.”
“Not LA?”
“Nope. Think I’ll stay closer to home.”
“I see.” Her pause was a bit too long for his liking. “Well, that’s good, I guess, if that’s what you want.”
“Yeah.” His heart jumped as he heard a little voice in the background asking Tori who she was talking to.
“Just a friend, hon. His name is Gray.”
That wasn’t the answer he was hoping for, but what did he expect? He clenched his jaw and watched the dogs race across the lawn after a sea gull. The sun was a ball of fire, slowly inching down toward the inky blue line of the horizon. “Can I talk to her?”
“Excuse me?”
He imagined the look on Tori’s face. Horror, disgust, maybe contempt—all of which he deserved. Gray sniffed and rubbed his eyes. “I asked if I could talk to her. I’d like to talk to my daughter.”
“Gray.” Tori rarely cried, but he thought he heard her voice catch just a bit. She stayed quiet a long time. “Are you sure?”
Gray made up his mind and inhaled. “Yes.”
For a while he thought she might have hung up. Then the phone crackled.
“Hello?” A shy, sweet little voice came down the line and captured his heart without even trying.
“Hi, Tess.” Gray smiled through his tears. “How are you?”
“Good.” Her breathy voice rendered him motionless. “Know what? Mommy’s making spisgetties. Is my favorite.”
“Yeah? That’s what I’m having too.” Gray registered the overwhelming urge to wrap his arms around this child he barely knew. His child. Before he could assimilate to what was happening, the world as he knew it changed.
“An I . . . an I have lettuce! With the pink sauce. Do you gots to have lettuce too?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” He grinned and shook his head, wishing he could see her face. “You don’t like salad?”
“Sometimes I likes it. But no carrots. I’m ’lerrgic.”
Gray began to laugh, warm hearty laughter that flooded through him, shoved off reality, and convinced him there were indeed better times ahead. “Me too, how ’bout that?”
“You’re funny.” Her giggle made him realize how much he’d already missed.
“Yeah, I guess I am.” He floundered for words, wondering what appropriate conversation with a three-year-old looked like.
“I likes your voice,” Tess whispered. “Do you wanna come over to my house? I gots swings. An a BIG slide! Wanna come?”
“I would, Tess.” He bit down on his lip. “I’d like that a lot.”
“When? Tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow?” More laughter slipped out of him. “Probably not tomorrow. Soon. I’ll ask your mom, okay?”
“Okay. Mommy says I gotta go. So, bye.”
“Oh, okay. Bye, Tess.”
“Gray?” Tori was back, sounding a little unsure. “Are you still there?”
“Yes.” He leaned against the back of the bench and reveled in the moment. “Thank you.”
“She’s a bit of a chatterbox. Kind of like someone I know.” Tori’s sudden laughter charged through him, bringing new energy, warmth, and hope.
“Yeah? You think I talk too much, Tor?” Clouds moved in from the west, turning the sky dark and threatening.
“Sometimes.” She hesitated. “Gray, you sound so . . . I don’t know. Different. Are you really doing all right, I mean outside of what happened today?”
“Sure.” He knew she wasn’t buying it, but it was the best he could do. “How’s it going there? Are you okay? Do you need anything?”
Her sigh was long and a little sad. “No, thanks. It’s going okay. I got a job at a plant nursery during the day, close by the house. I like it, it’s fun. And I haven’t killed anything yet. My mom looks after Tess. And I . . . well, don’t laugh, but I signed up for some night classes.”
“That’s awesome. What are you taking?”
“Oh, just first year stuff right now. Some English and math. I think I might want to be a lawyer.”
“Seriously?” Gray wasn’t surprised. She’d make a good one. “Well, you can’t have too many of those in one family.”
“In whose family?”
Talk about a Freudian slip. He niggled his bottom lip and willed his brain to come up with something smart to cover up that remark, but suddenly all he could think was that he’d finally figured out what he wanted.
He just didn’t know how to tell her.
“I don’t know. Forget it. So, you . . . seeing anyone?” It had been a few weeks, after all, and with the way he’d been acting, it wouldn’t surprise him.
“What kind of stupid question is that?”
“Well, I—”
“First of all, when would I have time? Second, why would I be remotely interested in starting a relationship with anyone when I’m just getting to know my daughter, and third—Why are you laughing?”
“Sorry.” Gray tried to control his mirth. “I’m just really glad to hear that. I mean, that you aren’t seeing anyone.”
“You are?” The question confirmed what a jerk he’d been.
“Tor?”
“What do you want, Gray?”
Time stilled. If she’d asked him yesterday, even a few hours ago, he’d have a different answer. But over the course of the afternoon, and through the last few minutes of his life, things had come into focus. The only thing he wasn’t sure of was what her response would be.
“A second chance.” He’d always liked to live a little dangerously.
That was exactly what he wanted.
He wanted to be with her. And Tess.
Wanted it more than anything.
“Are you still there, Victoria?”
“Yes.” Her trembling voice barely reached above a whisper.
“Are you crying?”
“Maybe.”
“Gonna stop anytime soon?”
She sniffed and gave a long sigh. “You are such an idiot.”
“Yep. I think I’ve finally clued in to that, but thanks for the reminder.” Jasper wandered up and laid his big head on Gray’s knee. Gray scratched the dog behind his ears. “You have no idea how much I miss you.”
“I might have some idea. You’re not starving to death, are you? Or eating junk that you shouldn’t be?”
“Who me?” He wouldn’t tell her about all the burgers and fries he’d been scarfing down lately. “Spinach shakes every day.”
“Liar.”
He laughed. “Okay. No shakes. But I’ve been going to all my meetings, and Nick is making sure I stay on the s
traight and narrow. Can’t get anything past him.”
“Good to hear. Well. It’s dinnertime. I should probably go. Do you want to call me—us—again?”
“Are you sure?” He pulled air into his lungs and prayed harder than he’d ever done in his life.
“As long as you are.”
His smile felt good. “I am. I’m one hundred percent sure.” Gray knew the road to recovery would still be long, but he was even more determined now. He’d kick this. For her. For them. “Can I ask you something?”
“You will anyway.”
Her sudden laughter pulled him from the dark shadows he’d been hiding behind and made him chuckle. “Well, I don’t have to.”
“Oh, go on, now you’ve got my curiosity piqued.”
His voice retreated. Gray cleared his throat a couple of times and wrestled with the right words. Nerves pelted the pit of his stomach.
“I don’t have all night, Mr. Carlisle.”
Dang, she was sexy when she got annoyed. “Okay, don’t have a cow. Well, the thing is, I was thinking that I . . . well . . . um . . .”
“Puke it up, Gray.”
“I was wondering if I could come see you. See Tess.” He blurted out the words and wondered if she’d be able to decipher them.
Another long silence threatened to break him.
“Can I think about it?”
Air rushed from his lungs and disappointment dampened hope. “Sure.” A light rain began to fall and the wind picked up, throwing drops against his cheeks.
“I mean, she’s just getting used to having me around and I . . . I need to figure out what to tell her, and whether you . . . Did you just say sure?”
“I think so?”
“You’re not going to argue with me or threaten to take me to court if I don’t let you see her?”
“Why would I do that?”
She gave a short laugh. “Because a few months ago that’s exactly what you would have done.”
The truth galled him, but he faced it and nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“I know you are.”
“I’m sorry for all of it.” Gray leaned forward and drew in a deep breath.
They said confession was good for the soul. He’d beg to differ.
It was raking his heart across hot coals.
“I’m sorry for walking out on you when you told me about Tess. Sorry for shutting you out. For not seeing her. I know how much I hurt you. I’m not going to pretend none of that happened. But I really want to start over with you. Would you maybe . . . just consider it?” Please, God, a miracle right about now would be real sweet.
She made a sound he couldn’t decipher. Gray closed his eyes and waited for her to hang up. “Tor?”
“I’m thinking.”
Relief washed over him like an unexpected wave and almost sent him to his knees. “I want to be there for you, for Tess. I want to be her father.” He smiled even though his eyes burned and his throat hurt. “Please believe that.”
“You can’t change your mind, Gray.” Her voice was low and full. “If I let you into her life, you can’t walk away again. Do you understand what you’re asking me?”
“Yes. I do.” He tapped a foot and willed his body to stop trembling. “I’ve had a lot of time to think, Tor. I know what I want.”
She let out her breath in a muffled cry. “Gray. I want to trust you, but it’s hard, you know?”
“I know.” And he hated himself for it. “We could maybe start with dinner. Lunch. Go to a park or something? I mean, you know, if you decide you want to see me. And if you’ll let me see Tess. Because I’d really like to see her. And you.” Nothing like a little groveling to get the point across. Gray smacked his palm to his forehead.
“Okay, I get it, Gray. I’ll let you know.” He heard Tess calling her in the background. “It was good to talk. I’m glad you called.”
“Actually, you called me.”
She laughed. “I’m hanging up now. Tell everyone I said hi.” She paused, sniffed again. “Gray?”
“Yeah?”
“Remember when we met and you said I’d live to regret the day I walked in and took over your life?”
Guilt punched his gut and Gray made a fist against the pain. “Yeah, I remember.” Like it was yesterday.
“You were wrong. I have no regrets.”
He sucked in air and sat in a downpour of gratitude.
Disbelief, amazement, and love flooded his heart. This was unlike anything he’d ever felt in all the time they’d been together. This was real, here, now.
His.
He’d spent years chasing down all the wrong things when the most wonderful thing in the world had been right there beside him the whole time.
And he’d let her go.
He wasn’t about to make the same mistake twice.
“I love you, Victoria Montgomery. Just so you know.”
She breathed into the phone a moment and then sighed. “I kind of figured you did.”
“And?”
Sweet laughter infiltrated the darkest parts of his soul and he fell in love all over again.
“I love you too, Gray. Although most days I don’t have the slightest idea why.”
“Give me a second chance and I’ll help you figure it out.”
She laughed again. “I’ll think about that. Call me in a couple of days.”
They hung up, and for the first time in a long time, even despite the turmoil of the day, Gray felt completely at peace.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Lynette walked through the house early Sunday evening, the dogs at her heels, glad to be home. Tyler and his little sister had worn her out this afternoon. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed, but she probably needed to make dinner. And feed the dogs. Liz didn’t know her way around the kitchen, and if she left it to Gray or David, they’d be having peanut butter on toast.
And sooner or later, there would be questions. Because by now, Liz would have gone into Mom’s room and discovered her secret. Lynette had been waiting all week for her sister to say something, but she’d been strangely quiet.
The noise reached her first. Children’s voices. She shook her head. Lack of sleep was getting to her. She entered the kitchen, blinked a couple of times at the number of people in the room, then let out a shriek as Ryan stepped toward her and swept her into a bear hug.
“You’re back!” Lynette gripped his shoulders and stared, just to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. Time had treated him well. He was tanned, fit, and healthy, but sadness stood in his eyes. They must have told him about Dad. She sighed and gave him another hug. “I’m so glad you’re home.”
Her brother introduced her to Isaiah, and then she turned her attention to David’s family. She hugged Josslyn and the kids, loving the cheeky grins on their little faces. The last time she’d seen them, they’d just learned to walk. Now they were talking up a storm and charming her with wide smiles and eyes full of mischief. David was beaming, no sign of the strain on his face she’d grown accustomed to of late.
“You look great, Lynnie. What’s it been, a year or something? You really need to come over and visit us more often.” Josslyn bustled around, already right at home.
Lynette hadn’t spent much time with her sister-in-law; it would be nice to get to know her better. “I will. Just . . . things have been busy around here.”
She wanted to be happy—the whole family here together under one roof. That hadn’t happened since . . . the year Mom died. Her chest tightened again and she pressed back sudden tears.
If only she could throw off the darkness shadowing her.
“Come, sit.” Ryan ushered her to the banquet and she squeezed in beside Isaiah and Dad. Josslyn had dinner under control. David set the table in the dining room; even Liz helped by throwing together a salad. Gray fed the dogs.
Lynette offered to help, but nobody would hear of it. So she sat and listened to Isaiah’s recounting of his long plane journey that brought him t
o the place he’d dreamed of since he was a little boy. America.
Later, Gray caught her eye across the dining room table as Ryan said the blessing. She tried to smile, but tears flooded her eyes, exhaustion winning. After dinner Josslyn took the twins and Isaiah upstairs to bathe and get ready for bed. Lynette got Dad settled, then she went back to the kitchen to help clean up.
Gray kept glancing her way, like he wanted to say something, dropping things and making strange noises in his throat.
“Gray, what’s wrong with you?” His eyes were clear, but she didn’t like the way his hands shook when he reached for the next plate to dry.
He stopped what he was doing and faced her. “Nothing.”
“Well, you’re acting weirder than normal,” she muttered, then yanked the plug from the sink and watched water swirl down the drain.
“Coffee’s ready.” Liz sent Gray an exasperated look Lynette didn’t understand.
“Come on, Lynnie, let’s go sit down.” David took her arm and led her out to the patio, despite her protests. She had to work tomorrow. All she wanted to do was go upstairs and try to get some sleep. But apparently her siblings had other ideas.
If they’d changed their minds about the house . . .
Lynette refused coffee, pushed aside fear, and faced them down. “If this is about the house, I thought we’d decided. Just because Ryan’s back, that doesn’t give you the right to pull the rug out from under me!” She hardly recognized the shrill voice that shot from her. Her brothers and Liz stared at her in clear surprise.
David spoke first. “It’s not about the house, Shortstop.”
Gray stared across the lawn. Ryan sat quietly beside her, his presence a comfort. Liz tapped her shoes on the floor in fast rhythm.
Lynette met Liz’s eyes and knew. “You want to talk to me about Mom’s room.”
Liz nodded, silently studying her as though she half expected her to start speaking in some foreign tongue.
Ryan took Lynette’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Did you put Mom’s room back together like that, Lynnie?”
“I did.” She could hardly get the words out. She wished Nick were here. He didn’t think she was crazy. But he was still in New York.
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