Vivienne's Guilt

by Heather M. Orgeron

Vivienne shoots her a death glare that only a mother could properly deliver. Cassie storms off and takes a seat on the other end of the boat, grumbling a string of curses the whole way.

  When Viv turns to follow, I reach out and grab her hand. That little touch alone sends my heart racing. It’s further confirmation that I need to do something about this insane attraction. I can’t trust myself around her.

  Vivienne looks at me, clearly waiting for me to speak. Why did I just do that? “Hey...” I say like an idiot. “You okay?”

  Her brow furrows in confusion. “Yeah, Reid. Why wouldn’t I be?”

  I shrug my shoulders in answer. “You just seemed upset with Cassie. I don’t want you two at odds because of me. She just enjoys getting a rise out of me...” I say with a little smirk...because I just can’t help myself. “I’m a big boy, Viv,” I add, widening my eyes. “I can handle it.”

  Why am I still playing with this woman?

  She rolls her eyes, but I see the slightest hint of a smile before she replies, “Yeah, well, she shouldn’t be messing with you like that. She needs to learn that sometimes she needs to keep her big mouth shut. You’re my nephew and my guest. She shouldn’t be taunting you.”

  If I wasn’t certain before where Viv’s feelings lie, her mentioning my nephew status is a dead giveaway. “It’s all good,” I say curtly. “Hey, umm, you said it would be all right for me to invite my girlfriend over. Does that offer still stand?”

  Vivienne swallows hard. “Of course, Reid. You’re an adult,” she says before turning and walking off to meet her friend.

  Vivienne

  The wind cutting my breath and whipping my hair is just what I need to make me feel alive. I can see Tillie and Cass cheering me on from the back of the boat as I attempt to rise up from my knees to stand. I wobble, and just when I think I’m going to fall, I manage to steady the board and...and I nail it!

  Gliding across the water, I feel free and happy. I can almost picture Abbott’s beautiful face smiling down at me. He’s practiced with me for years, and I’ve never been able to do it.

  That was for you, baby...

  Closing my eyes and turning my face up to the sky, an incredible sense of peace washes over me. I feel him near. I can just picture him here shouting his praise, and I imagine the way it would feel when he would lift me into his arms and spin me around, celebrating my victory. He was always my biggest cheerleader and my greatest teacher.

  I take over driving the boat and allow Reid a chance to show off. Much like Abbott, he’s a natural. Tillie and Sierra are hypnotized by his spins and tricks.

  For a moment, it’s like having him back. My guy...my handsome, sexy, sandy-haired boy playing on the water...the warmth of the sun beating down on my damp skin...the smells of sunscreen and beer. The motor rumbling and our baby girl’s high pitched squeals. It’s almost as if he never left at all and a part of me wants to pretend just for today that my heart hasn’t been shattered into a million tiny pieces.

  Reid, Cassie, and I take turns riding with the girls on the tube. It’s a wonderful day and the most fun I’ve had since the accident. Seeing the smiles on Tillie and Sierra’s faces is fulfilling in a way that I can’t even describe. These girls have both lost so much. They are such an inspiration to me. If these children can overcome loss and come out happy and smiling...maybe there’s hope for me, too.

  When the sun begins to set, we head back to the house, and I am overcome with a feeling of dread. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to go back to my house that no longer feels like home. It’s a mausoleum of memories—a million reminders of what I’ve lost.

  My heart rate begins to speed up, and the anxiety is creeping in. Our home used to be my safe haven. I hate that the place we built out of love now makes me so uneasy.

  Cassie had to leave right away when we returned home from tubing to take Sierra back, and we haven’t seen Reid since unloading the boat at the wharf. So, it’s just my girl and me tonight.

  Tillie and I are curled up on her bed watching a movie. This right here is my home now. She keeps me grounded and gives me purpose. Tillie holds all of my broken pieces together.

  “Mommy?”

  “Yeah, baby?” I say, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “What’s up?”

  She rolls onto her back, staring up at me. “One day when I am bigguh, you’ll be a grandmaw?”

  Smiling, I answer, “I certainly hope so.”

  Her little eyes fill with tears. “But, when you get old, you die...” she cries. “I don’t want you to be dead, too, Mommy.”

  Oh, no.

  “Baby, that’s such a long time from now. Let’s try not to worry about that, okay? Mommy plans on being here a very long time.” The words feel like shit coming out of my mouth because how can I promise her that? How can I tell her I will be here when I have no more control over that than I did over Abbott’s death? But how can I not do something to ease her little mind?

  I want to throw something—break something. I am so fucking angry at life. Why? Why has my baby girl had to lose her innocence? Why must her pretty little head be filled with fears of death and loss?

  Why did it have to be him?

  Vivienne

  Just as I’m finishing up the breakfast dishes, there’s a knock at the front door. I dry my hands on my apron as I cross the living room to answer it. Peering through the sheer curtain, I see a beautiful, young girl with long blonde hair and caramel colored skin. Her eyes are emerald green, and she’s dressed like a model straight out of a magazine. She’s stunning, and my first thought is that she must be lost.

  I fumble with the messy bun on top of my head as I pull the door open. There’s an awkward moment where she just stands there appraising me. Immediately, I feel inferior. She makes me feel homely in my worn jean shorts and threadbare tee. “Ummm...hi, can I help you with something?” I ask.

  The girl flashes me a smile, holding out her perfectly manicured hand. “Hi. My name’s Kylie...I’m here to see Reid?”

  “Reid?” I ask with surprise. Who does he know around here?

  “Oh no! Do I have the wrong house? I told him to come and pick me up, but he said he would send a cab for me.” The poor girl’s face turns bright red with embarrassment.

  “No, no. He’s here. You have the right place,” I assure her, ushering her in. “I just didn’t realize he knew anyone around here, is all.”

  Another dazzling smile. “Oh, I’m not from here. I came all the way from Georgia. I’m his girlfriend, Kylie.”

  Aha! Now I remember Reid asking about her. Damn, he didn’t mess around, did he? “Now that you mention it...he did say that you might be coming to spend a few days. Come on in, Kylie.”

  We walk inside to the living room where I introduce her to Matilda, who of course immediately adores her. Tillie has never met a stranger. She’s so much like Abbott that way.

  “Kylie, if you want to help Tillie with that princess puzzle, I’ll go and see if I can find Reid for you,” I offer.

  I walk over to the pool house and knock a few times. When there is no answer, I assume that he is asleep and use the key to let myself in. Shutting the door quietly, I walk into the open bedroom to wake him.

  Reid is lying on top of the blankets. At first, I think that he’s asleep, but then I hear his heavy breathing and deep throaty moans. Oh my God...I can feel my pulse in my throat as I stand there in the doorway, rooted in place. I can’t seem to move or to find my voice. Warmth spreads throughout my body, and my heart begins to thrum loudly in my chest.

  Say something, Vivienne...

  But, I don’t. Like a creeper, I stand there until he’s finished, and when he sits up in bed and notices me staring, I want to run away, but I’ve lost all bodily control.

  “Shiiit!” Reid groans as he pulls the blanket over his waist in a hurry. “Vivienne?”

  “Reid...I ummm.” Oh God...I’m going to be sick. “I’m sorry. I thought you were asleep, and I-I let myself in.” Panic wells in my ch
est.

  Reid runs his bottom lip through his teeth really slowly. Staring at his mouth, I swallow hard. “You wanna turn around so I can get dressed?” he asks.

  I nod my head, but I’m frozen in place.

  Reid furrows his brow. “Are you okay, Vivienne?” he asks when I continue to stand there with my mouth hanging open. I’m so dizzy, and his words sound like they’re coming from so far away. It’s like I’m watching this scene play out from a distance and have no control over the outcome.

  I shake my head, and that’s when the tears start. My legs give out, and I slide down the frame of the door into a heap on the floor.

  After what seems like only seconds, Reid is on his knees in front of me in a pair of basketball shorts. “What is it, Viv?”

  “I’m sorry, Reid. Oh God,” I cry, my entire body visibly shaking. “I couldn’t move. My body...it just...it wouldn’t cooperate. I should’ve said something,” I say, trying to avoid looking at his face.

  Reid chuckles. “Really, Vivienne? I’m the one caught with my pants down, and you’re embarrassed? I think it’s my turn, don’t you?” he teases.

  I raise my face to meet his, sick with guilt. Seeing him this close after just watching him...like that...I take a deep breath to try and calm down, but, oh God...he smells like sex. My pulse quickens as I stare at the light sheen of sweat on his bare chest.

  “I didn’t see anything,” I say weakly.

  Reid rolls his eyes. “Yeah, you did, and it’s okay, Viv.”

  “No,” I say, shaking my head in disbelief. “No, Reid...I’m sorry. What’s wrong with me?”

  “Vivienne, stop it,” he says in a tone boding no argument. “You were shocked and froze up. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not upset.”

  I want to be able to excuse myself as easily, but I know what was going on in my head. I know the way my body responded to his. Worst of all, I know that Abbott knows.

  It’s crazy how ever since Abbott’s death people want to excuse all of my actions. Reid should be outraged, not coddling me.

  He analyzes my face. “Stop it. Just stop whatever you’re thinking,” he chastises, placing his finger against my lips. “You came here to tell me something. What was it?”

  I try to clear my head and to remember why it was that I came over here to begin with. And then I remember the pretty young girl in my living room, and a ridiculous sense of jealousy creeps in.

  I tamp those feelings down, answering, “Yes. Kylie’s here...well, at the house with Tillie. I was coming to get you.”

  A strange look crosses his face. Regret? Dread? It’s definitely not the excitement one would expect. “Awesome,” he says, forcing a smile.

  What is up with that?

  Reid goes into the bathroom to get dressed, and I use the time to collect myself.

  We walk back over to the house together and find that Cassie has arrived during my absence. She, Kylie, and Tillie are intently working on another puzzle. Reid clears his throat to get their attention.

  When Kylie notices Reid, her face completely lights up. She rushes into his arms, wrapping her whole body around him, kissing his neck. It takes all I have not to burst into tears again because I would give anything to be able to feel Abbott’s body against mine...anything.

  Reid loosely embraces her. “Hey, babe,” he says, kissing her forehead and setting her back onto her feet. “How was your trip?”

  She scrunches up her face. “Long...but it’s okay cuz I’m here now. Did you miss me, baby?” she asks, fluttering her fake lashes.

  “Of course,” he answers simply giving her a weak smile.

  Why’d he even invite her over? He seems to barely be able to tolerate her.

  Cassie notices right away that I am a bit off and walks over to stand near me. “You okay?” she whispers into my ear.

  “Mmmhmm,” I nod, even though I’m anything but.

  Kylie is rubbing herself on Reid like an animal in heat, and I am trying not to let it show on my face how much it bothers me. It shouldn’t bother me.

  “Hey, I’m going to go get Kylie settled in,” he says, grabbing her hand. “We’ll be back over for lunch.”

  “Yeah sure. That sounds good. Lunch will be ready around noon.”

  Lunch is a hot mess. I keep catching Reid staring at me, and every time he looks at me, I blush. The longer that I am forced to be in his presence, the guiltier I feel. I feel guilty for watching him like that, but the way that my body reacted makes me sick with it. It makes no sense. I know that I am not attracted to him sexually. Abbott just died, and I am still crazy in love with him. But, my body...my body is a traitorous bitch.

  By the time that they leave, and I get Tillie down for her nap, I’m in desperate need of my best friend. I walk down the stairs and find her waiting for me on the couch. The moment my eyes meet hers, my already weak foundation crumbles.

  “Oh, Viv,” she says, “come here, babe.” Cassie lifts the blanket for me to curl up next to her and holds me in her arms while she cries with me. “Shh,” she whispers through her tears. “Tell me...what happened today Vivienne?”

  I sniffle and my breath shutters, trying to calm myself enough to speak. “I don’t know who I am anymore, Cassie. I’m so lost,” I choke out.

  Cassie rubs her hand up and down my back in slow, soothing strokes. “But what happened, Vivienne? Something must have happened...I saw the way you and Reid were dancing around each other tonight. I hate to even ask it but did something happen between the two of you?”

  My gut reaction is to be upset that she would even suggest it, but then I realize that she isn’t that far off-base. What kind of person am I?

  Sobbing, I recount to her exactly what happened at the pool house earlier, and she does the very last thing I would ever expect...

  She laughs.

  “You know I love you, right?” Cassie asks between bouts of laughter. “God, you’re so cute.”

  I don’t even know how to react. I stare at her stupefied.

  “Babe, you walked in on the man beating his meat...That’s fucking hilarious,” she says, swatting tears of laughter away.

  “You are such a bitch sometimes, Cassie. It’s not just that I walked in...I stayed there like some perv, and I watched him, Cassie. My God, it turned me on,” I whisper.

  She rolls her eyes. “Viv, what do you think happens when people watch porn, hmm? When you watch someone, anyone getting off, it’s going to have that effect on you. It’s not cheating, and it’s not something you can control. If I flicked my bean right here in front of you, I guarantee your little nub would get a chub and you don’t have a crush on me do you?” she asks, lifting her eyebrows.

  “Excuse me, a what?” I burst out laughing. “Did you seriously just say nub chub? Where do you even come up with this shit?”

  Cassie shrugs. “It’s a gift. What can I say?”

  How does she always manage to make my disasters seem so insignificant? This is why I need her in my life. She talks me out of my own head.

  “Well...” I say, smiling through tears. “You are kinda hot.”

  “Kind of? Have you seen me lately?” she teases.

  I let out a little laugh and lean in for a hug. “Thank you, Cassie.”

  Vivienne

  I lie awake in bed, staring at shadows dancing across the wall. In just a few hours, the campers will arrive, and it will be the first time that I have to do this without him. My heart just doesn’t feel in it. I don’t know how to do this alone. I’m scared. I’m sad, and I hurt.

  I can’t. Oh God, I can’t do this. I should have canceled the camp. What was I thinking? Panic rises in my throat as the shadows draw nearer. I feel as though they are smothering the breath right from my lungs. I lie on my back, facing the ceiling, and clutch the sheets for dear life. The room is spinning, and I can’t catch my breath.

  “So, you’ve really never loved anyone else?” I ask Abbott for the millionth time. We’re lying in bed, only hours after our wedding,
and I know that I need to let this go, but it bothers me that he has been with so many women, and I have only ever been with him. Not that I want to be with anyone else. I just can’t help thinking that he must think of them—compare me to them—and I have nothing to compare him to.

  Abbott, ever patient and used to my insecurities by now, feathers kisses down my collarbone before answering. “You are the only woman I have ever been in love with.”

  “Mmm...what about puppy love?”

  “Nope. No puppy love. I did have this friend growing up, and I loved her...a whole lot. I just wasn’t in love with her. Not in the way that I am with you,” he answers as his face takes on a faraway look.

  “Well, who’s this friend and why haven’t I met her?”

  “Grace. Her name is Grace Adler. She moved next door to me when we were twelve and that summer we got really close. When school started, she had a really rough time. She was shy and already I felt like she was mine to take care of, and so I did. We were best friends all through junior high and high school, right up until graduation.”

  “Do you know where she is now? I’d love to meet her.”

  Shaking his head, he answers, “Nah, babe, I’m afraid that’s not possible. She doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, and I have to respect that.”

  “Who dumps their best friend after graduation? That’s pretty shitty, babe.”

  “No. It wasn’t her. It was completely my fault. I got caught up in the moment, and I kissed her...I broke her heart. I couldn’t take it back, and I lost my best friend. Gracie was special to me. She just couldn’t handle it, Viv, and she chose to stay away. I knew she was in love with me. I could see the longing in her eyes every time she saw me with another girl. I fucked up, and I can’t fix it...I tried. I went to her house for weeks, and her mother wouldn’t let me see her. She begged me to just leave her alone...said that seeing me only made it worse for her. That if I loved her at all, I would just let her go. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.”