STRANGE SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTASY OMNIBUS

by Benson Grayson

  The first test of the computer was and after the fact re-examination of the probable Iranian reaction to the ouster of Iranian Prime Minister Mohammad Mossadegh in a coup involving the United States. It correctly predicted the popular furor caused by the overthrow of the democratically elected leader and the likely build up of a violently anti-American sentiment. This analysis so pleased the president that he ordered henceforth U.S. actions in any world crisis be based on the readout from the “Enemies Machine.”

  The first test of the machine in real-time came when American policymakers considered re-orienting the thrust of U.S. policy away from Europe and the Middle East to give the situation in the Far East the highest priority. When the machine was asked to provide the probable response to the so-called “pivot” in policy, it responded with a prediction that the Chinese Communist Government would interpret the move as a deliberate American provocation revealing a hostile intent in Washington. No American offer of increased military cooperation with China or public expression of good will would convince Beijing otherwise.

  Shortly thereafter, the pro-Russian President of Ukraine Viktor Yamukovych was forced from power by public demonstrations in Kiev by agitators favoring close association of the country with the European Community, the “Enemies Machine” was asked to provide analysis of the probable Russian reaction. The answer was that Russian President Putin would never accept this as fait accompli but would resort to whatever tactics required to keep Ukraine from slipping out of the Russian economic orbit. Neither Western promises of continued good will toward Russia nor threats of economic sanctions would induce the Russian President to abandon his goal.

  These analyses were submitted to the National Security Council, which did not know what to do. If accepted as accurate predictions, they would require a significant change in the direction of American foreign policy. Could or should Washington abandon its traditional goal for every U.S. foreign policy initiative? How could the Washington political establishment countenance abandoning its firm belief that the establishment of popular democracy in every nation of the world, regardless of the level of education, standard of living, hostile attitude toward the U.S. or religious fanaticism deserved the highest priority for the long term, regardless of the scope of unfavorable results in the short and medium term?

  The problem was deemed too important for the National Security Council to decide, and so it was taken directly to the president. The Chief Executive weighed the issue carefully, carefully considering all aspects. Then he made his decision. The traditional all-out drive for global world democracy could not be reversed nor even modified in the smallest degree. He ordered that all documents referring in any way to the recommendations of the “Enemies Machine” be shredded and burned. To prevent any future re-occurrence of such obviously unsound estimated, he decreed that the machine be destroyed along with all documents relating to its design or use.

  Today, the citizens of the United States and indeed of the entire world can rest easier in their homes. They know that no considerations of national self-interest or of common sense will be permitted to intrude into American foreign policy.

  MISSION TO EARTH

  For several decades astronomers on Ganymede, the largest satellite in the solar system one of the moons of Jupiter, had trained their most power telescopes on earth. The reduction in size of the earth’s polar icecaps led the astronomers to conclude an intelligent civilization on earth was diverting the water from the icecaps to supply massive hydroelectric projects. Some astronomers asserted that the occasional white flashes that they observed came from the launching of spacecraft; they were more widely believed to result from the impact of meteors hitting Earth’s surface. At length, the government decided to construct a spaceship that could travel to Earth and enable a scientific team to examine the earth's surface minutely and confirm if possible whether there was any intelligent life there.

  The actual decision to fund the project, however, was not based on scientific interest. Rather it was due to substantial pressure for the program by leading defense firms on Ganymede, who saw in it an excellent opportunity to increase their profit margins At length the spacecraft was finished and the crew members chosen. It was launched from Ganymede with a cascade of publicity and lengthy speeches from leading politicians.

  Because of the length of the journey from Ganymede to Earth, even with the high propulsion engines of the spacecraft, the crew members would not remain awake for the entire journey. After it was in orbit, and the course set, the automatic pilot was put in operation, and the crew members carefully arranged themselves in closed capsules, took the necessary drugs, and went into a condition similar to hibernation. Many decades later, the crew members were awakened. Climbing out of their capsules, the pilots turned off the automatic pilot and resumed control of the ship.

  The spacecraft entered Earth’s atmosphere at very high speed. The arrival had been times to occur during the hours of darkness to lessen the likelihood of its being observed by any intelligent life on Earth. The ship’s velocity slowed and settled down softly at the designated landing spot. After examining their instruments, the crew determined that the atmosphere of Earth would not sustain them outside the ship and that they would be obliged to conduct their examination of the surface protected by spacesuits.

  All of the crew wished to walk personally on the surface of the Earth. This was not possible due to the limited time available before they would be obliged to blast off on the return journey to Ganymede as well as to the limited number of spacesuits on the ship. They drew straws, and the three lucky winners donned their suits and stepped outside by means of the airlock.

  What they found was sand, nothing but sand. It appeared to extend as far as they eye could see in all directions. Because the gravity of the earth was about seven times that on Ganymede, they found walking any length almost impossible. After covering a distance of a quarter of a mile and finding no signs of life, vegetable or animal, and nothing but sand, they decided they had to return to the ship. Back on board, they reported their disappointing findings to the others. There was no doubt. Earth contained no life. What had been mistakenly concluded to be such signs was obviously due to natural phenomena.

  When the ship returned to Ganymede, the findings of the expedition were accepted. The most powerful telescopes were shifted away from observing Earth to Mars, where several scientists claimed they had detected canals. The defense firms, for their part, were extremely gratified with the results of the mission. Through clever lobbying, they obtained government funding for a program to construct a vehicle that a future expedition to Mars could use to explore the surface of the planet rather than having to do so on foot.

  It is hard to know what fate would have had in store for either the inhabitants of Ganymede or the Earth of the mission had landed in another location. Fortunately or unfortunately, the spot where it set down was in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

  MONKEY BUSINESS

  When Amos Hitherto, President of the Amalgamated Atheists’ Society, resolved to disprove the existence of God scientifically, he threw all of his considerable energy into the project. Unhampered as he was by any feelings of religion, ethics, or morals, he had amassed a considerable fortune. This enabled him to allocate whatever funds were necessary.

  Letherton’s plan was to replicate the story he had heard about the lack of any divine involvement in the writing of Holy Scripture. He would do this by proving the assertion that a monkey, typing blindly in the cellar of the British Museum would, after many eons, type out a complete, perfect rendition of the King James Bible. Naturally, the choice of the right monkey was important. After considerable research into the subject, Letherton selected a young male chimpanzee named James who appeared to be unusually bright.

  James was put at a desk, given a manual typewriter, and shown how to hit the keys with his fingers. There he was obliged to sit, typing away, for twelve hours a day, with only fifteen minutes off for lunch. When the animal
rights group learned of this treatment and protested, Hitherto reluctantly agreed to permit James a fifteen minute break, even volunteering to furnish James, free of charge, a moderate sized banana at each break.

  James’s efforts produced tons and tons of foolscap covered with gibberish. The floor of the room was eternally covered with discarded paper. Several times, Letherton thought he was on the brink of success. On one occasion, the researcher, who was supervising the project on a day to day basis, rushed to him with a triumphant cry, informing him that the monkey had typed a reasonably correct copy of an O’Henry short story. Convinced that he was on the right track and that James would soon produce the King James Bible, Letherton redoubled his efforts. As an inducement to speed James on, he increased the size of the bananas provided the chimpanzee.

  The situation was repeated several years later, when James typed out a near perfect rendition of the first two acts of “Macbeth.” This time, Letherton instructed his researcher to spur James on by lengthening his working day to thirteen hours. Years passed. James had obviously aged. He typed much more slowly, his hands, handicapped by rheumatism. Letherton too had aged. He now was obliged to spend many months a year away from the project, on vacation in Florida.

  Then one day success came. The researcher, who had replaced his now retired predecessor, rushed into Letherton’s office, crying “”Eureka!” James had finally succeeded. There on the desk next to him was a complete, perfectly typed manuscript of the King James Bible. Letherton was naturally, overjoyed. He had finally obtained the proof he desired, that the Bible was not written through the involvement of divine inspiration and that God perforce did not exist.

  Letherton carefully made the arrangements for the announcement of his findings. He hired a large room at the National Press Club in the nation’s capital and invited as many media representatives as he could. With the spotlight on him, he strode to the podium and announced that an ape had typed out the Bible and that this was irrefutable proof that God does not exist. Cameras clicked, and the news was spread throughout the world. Letherton settled back to reap the expected congratulations, possibly even the award of the Nobel Prize. Gratefully, he retired James to a farm in the country where he was provided with whatever delicacies he desired to eat.

  Alas! The reaction was not what Letherton had expected. All the major religious groups interpreted the event as proving the existence of God. After all, they reasoned, only divine intervention could have led a chimpanzee to re-create the King James Bible. This conclusion was accepted by the media. Instead of closing, the various churches enjoyed a significant revival.

  Letherton was crushed. He took to his bed, a broken man, and died a few months later. Ironically, his wife, who had never shared Letherton’s atheistic views, prevailed upon him to be baptized and accepted into the Episcopal Church. He mumbled his acceptance wearily, and died a Christian. The moral of this story is inescapable. Letherton’s experience neither proves nor disproves the existence of God, or of divine inspiration in the writing of the Bible. It does, however, provide irrefutable proof that you can spend vast sums of money without obtaining the ends you seek.

  YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT

  The sign on the wall of the Quality Meat Market in Bayonne, New Jersey proclaimed in large letters “You Are What You Eat.” It was put there to persuade prospective customers that it made sense to pay the higher prices charged by the butcher shop to purchase and eat the premium meats it sold. Bayonne was largely a working class town. Although the large navy base had terminated most of its operations since the end of the war, the majority of the men still worked at blue collar jobs in plants around Bayonne, many of them in the nearby petroleum refineries.

  Jerry Sullivan had opened the shop when he returned from military service. With hard work and a little luck, the butcher shop thrived. Wages were good for the factory workers living in Bayonne, and they had the money to purchase the premium meats the Quality Meat Market sold. Jerry hired several workers to help him at the shop, and purchased a van to deliver meat to his customer’s homes. He joined a local golf club and played golf every Wednesday afternoon; his wife Marry received a fur coat from him one Christmas and his son, Michael, was sent off to Notre Dame, the first member of the Sullivan family to go to College.

  Over the years, however, the situation changed. Many of the factories around Bayonne closed their operations in New Jersey, moving their plants to lower wage states. Then the large supermarket chains moved into the area, selling meats at prices far lower than Jerry could afford. One after another, Jerry was forced to let his workers go, retaining only Paul McBride, who had served with him in the army, been wounded in the leg, and still walked with a pronounced limp.

  Now business had fallen off so much, that Jerry knew he would soon have to close the butcher shop. As much as he hated to, he planned to give Paul his two weeks’ notice that Saturday. Even after eliminating Paul’s modest pay, he doubted that he would be able to send his son Michael back to Notre Dame for his senior year. And as for being able to send his daughter, Patricia Ellen, to college when she graduated from high school next year, that was too preposterous even to contemplate.

  Jerry was seated at the back of the store, looking despondently at the wall clock. It was almost closing time, and there had been only two customers so far that day. He heard the bell signaling the entry of a customer, and turned to the door. A very tall, very slender man dressed entirely in black, his body enveloped in a black cape, had entered the shop. He wore a tall silk hat, of the kind Jerry had seen only in the old movies on TV, showing the upper classes at society parties.

  “Good afternoon,” said the visitor, speaking in a sepulchral voice. “Are you the proprietor of the Quality Meat Market?”

  “I am,” said Jerry. “What can I do for you?”

  “My name is Underwood,” said the visitor. “I am the representative in this area of the AAA Meat Service. We provide the highest quality meats to retailers, such as yourself, at the lowest possible price.”

  The last thing Jerry needed right then was more meat. “I’m sorry, Mr. Underwood,” he said sadly. “I already have an excellent wholesaler. Please don’t waste your time. I can’t possibly buy any meat from you.”

  His words seemed lost on Underwood. From the folds of his cape, he extracted a sheaf of paper and laid it down in front of Jerry. This is our price list. As you can see, the prices we charge are extremely competitive.”

  Jerry glanced at the sheet of paper. The prices charged were less than thirty percent of what he was currently paying. He knew there was no way in the world the AAA Meat Service could sell meat to him at that price. It had to be a scam.

  Mr. Underwood,” he said. “Your prices are good but I’m afraid my answer is still no.”

  Underwood was not the least perturbed. “Naturally,” he said, “I appreciate your doubts. Allow me to explain the terms of our offer. We will provide you with the quantity of meat you sell each week entirely free of charge. It will give you the opportunity to try the meat, to see what your customers think of it and to sample it yourself. If at the end of the week you do not wish to give us further orders, we simply walk away with no charge to you. If, as we expect, you find our meat attaining or exceeding the quality of the meat you currently sell, you make us your regular supplier and purchase the meat at the prices shown in our price list.

  Jerry stood silently, mulling over the offer. Try as he might, he was unable to find any catch. The way business was going, he certainly had to do something drastic. If the meat provided by Underwood was nearly as good as what he was now selling, one week’s free supply would be a cash bonanza for him. He could keep Paul on a little longer. With a few additional economies, he might even be able to send his son back to college for his senior year.

  “All right,” he said slowly. “I accept your offer.

  Underwood then explained the details of the delivery. Everything seemed routine except that Underwood insisted that the meat would have to be del
ivered at exactly midnight on Sunday. Try as he might, Underwood refused to budge. “Our delivery schedules,” he said, “Are carefully coordinated, so that we can provide the meat at the price we charge. Any alteration would be far too costly. Reluctantly, Jerry had agreed.

  There was one problem, Jerry had promised Mary that he would go with her to an event at church on Sunday night. He arranged to have Paul be at the shop to handle the delivery at 12am. On Monday morning, he got to the store early, wondering if all had gone according to plan.

  Paul arrived a few minutes later and assured him that all had gone well. The full order had been delivered by the AAA Meat Service. “They even added a few pounds of sausages we hadn’t ordered,” Paul reported. “The delivery man said that they had found it to be a popular item, and they think it will help increase our sales.” Jerry inspected the meat. It seemed to be of excellent quality. Then he got an idea. With this week’s supply of meat costing him nothing, he could reduce his prices to attract customers. He had Paul make up a large sign, which he placed in the window informing the public of “A ONE WEEK SPECIAL SALE ON ALL MEATS.”

  That night, Jerry took home one of the steaks that Underwood had supplied for dinner. Mary prepared it in the usual way, and he tasted it with apprehension. To his surprise, it was amazingly tender. The taste seemed slightly sweeter than usual, but he found himself savoring the meat. Patricia Ellen, who rarely ate much, surprised him by taking a large second helping. He cautiously told Mary that the steak tasted exceptionally good that night, but she took it as a compliment about her cooking ability.

  During the rest of the week, the number of customers at the shop increased slightly, as passersby saw the sign and decided to give the store a try. He was particularly pleased by the comments from his steady customers, all of whom expressed pleasure at the improved quality of the steaks, roasts and chops they had purchased. When Mr. Underwood reappeared on Friday evening, Jerry happily wrote out a check for the next week’s supply of meat and instructed him to add the Quality Meat Market to its list of regular customers.