by Kotru, Umesh
Karna replied, “Pitamaha, I cannot do that on account of reasons already known to you. But before I go, I seek your forgiveness for the abominable treatment meted out to Draupadi. Like you I also give vent to my pent up feelings in the confines of my bedroom. Let me put one last question to you. What would you have done had you been in my place?” After giving some thought to Karna’s question, Bhishma replied, “In your place I would have done exactly what you are doing, my son.” Finally, after a pause, and with a deep sigh of resignation, the venerable grandsire gave Karna his blessings. “There is no doubt that the entire Kaurava army is looking up to you for protection. Under your leadership, they will feel the same kind of protection as felt by the Gods under the leadership of Indra in the war against the demons. I urge you to fight for the sake of your friend. May you strike terror in the hearts of your opponents. I bless you to fight in the most righteous manner and achieve glory. Karna, I grant you my permission to join the war and you have my blessings for the same.”
After securing the permission from Bhishma to engage in battle, Karna got up on his feet and wiped his tears. He knew it was his last meeting with his Pitamaha. With folded hands, he once again bowed before Bhishma and slowly proceeded towards his chariot. After instructing the guards to resume their vigil, he mounted his chariot and swiftly rushed to his camp.
Chapter-19
Inner Turmoil Resolved
It was late in the night when Karna returned to his tent after his soul-stirring meeting with Bhishma. The words spoken by Bhishma were still reverberating in his mind and made him restless. The revelations during the past few days had brought out the pain Karna had been carrying deep inside him all his life. The deluge of emotions thus released had drained Karna. He seemed to have lost his will to live. With heaviness in his heart he lay down on his bed, as he felt tired both physically as also emotionally. He recalled the roller coaster ride he had been experiencing throughout his life. Despite trying hard he could recall only a handful of episodes in his entire life when he felt really happy. Rest of it was studded with pain, suffering and rebuke, despite his maintaining a semblance of normalcy from the exterior. The current chain of thought was triggered by the events of the last few days when Shri Krishna, Kunti and now Bhishma, by throwing new lights on the mystery of his birth, had effectively turned his life upside down. Any other person in his place would have been depressed beyond a point of no return, but not Karna. The other part of his nature based on his samskaras which had been sustaining him so far, helped him to maintain sanity. He went into a fitful slumber, where the slightest noise outside his tent aroused him. It was during one of those soporific spells that he experienced himself rocking in a small basket-shaped boat, at the mercy of the strong current of a mighty river. He saw a big open-mouthed fish with a set of sharp teeth headed in his direction, till a man snatched him away from the predator. He recognised the man as his father Adhiratha. This dream sent a shiver through his entire body and he got up from his bed perspiring all over. After a sip of water he tried to sleep again but failed. In his enforced wakefulness, he wondered how he had reached a point where fate did not allow him even to take part in the great battle with which he was obsessed as a means of redeeming himself. What tormented him most at this time was the fact that he had to fight his own brothers for the sake of his principles.
But how much strain could a physically as well as a mentally tired body take? After shifting about in his bed for what seemed like ages, Karna went into another spell of sleep. As soon as he fell asleep, he saw himself mortally wounded after a fierce battle with Arjuna and left for dead in the midst of piles of dead bodies and seriously injured soldiers. He was bleeding profusely and in excruciating pain. His robust physique, which had been an ally throughout his life, was now standing in his way of making a speedy exit from this world. While passing his last moments he was vaguely aware about his surroundings. It was well past midnight, with the moon playing hide and seek with clouds and lighting the battlefield occasionally. From the distant conversation among a group of people, he gathered that they were searching for his dead body for performance of his last rites. In the case of ordinary soldiers mass cremation was taking place everywhere in the battlefield and the stench of burning flesh forced him to throw up and pass out as a result of the strain. It was during this spell of intermittent consciousness that he heard his name being called out by an old man with a lamp and a stick in his hands. He tried to attract the attention of the old man by raising his hand but failed. But the man calling his name was determined and as such, succeeded in locating him.
After confirming his identity he said, “Karna, I am a poor old man who has heard numerous stories about your charitable nature. I don’t know whether what I have heard is correct or not. In fact I have heard people calling you by the honorific Daanaveera. Karna replied, “Baba, I don’t know whether I deserve the title given to me by people. But I can assure you that nobody ever went back empty handed from my doorstep. It gives me great pleasure to serve the needy.” Before he could proceed further, the old man cut him short by saying, “I have seen so many people singing their own praises, but their words are rarely backed by deeds. Since I am in dire need, I sought you out in this horrible battleground to see for myself whether you are any different from any of the rest. I want a small piece of gold, which I need immediately but can’t afford to buy from the market. Will you fulfill my wish?” After a great effort in bracing his injured body, and in an almost inaudible voice, Karna replied, “Baba, You can take all the gold in my palace. My wives will fulfill all your needs without asking any questions. As you can see, I am not in a position to accompany you to my home to fulfill your wishes. Kindly forgive me.”
On hearing these words the old man got very angry and said, “I don’t need all your gold. I need a small piece and I need it here and now. I am sure you can fulfill my wish here itself unless you are trying to avoid me. May be your reputation of being a Daanaveera is in reality mere rumour. If you can give me what I have asked, well and good; otherwise I will ask someone else. I am sorry for having disturbed you in your last moments on this earth.” With these stinging words, the old man turned around and started to walk away. Karna felt miserable, beholding that someone was returning empty handed from his presence. The harsh words used by the old man paled into insignificance before this sight of a supplicant returning from him in disappointment. He made a great effort to call him back to his side and in an emotional voice choking with tears he said, “Baba, I don’t have any gold here. Otherwise I would have certainly fulfilled your desire.” In response the old man brought his lamp much closer to Karna’s face and said, “You are a pretender who flaunts a false reputation. Your show of emotions is not going to have any effect on me.” In the light of his lamp, he then pointed at the one false tooth made of gold that Karna had and said, “You are so deeply attached to this piece of gold that you do not want to part with it even when you are barely a step away from your end.I will have to tell the whole world what type of Daanaveera you are.” Karna felt deeply traumatised at these words and pleaded, “Baba, I am really sorry. I had completely forgotten about this tooth. How can I lie in this last hour of my life? You can gladly take it. But, as you are aware I am mortally wounded and hence unable to extract the tooth. Will you do me a favour by hitting my mouth with some hard object and take the golden tooth?”
The old man took strong exception to these words and refused to cooperate. Karna had no option but to hit his own mouth with a stone lying nearby. The hard blow resulted in many teeth falling off on the ground. As a result of the blow he again passed out. When he regained consciousness he found the old man still there, with an expressionless face looking at him. He picked up the blood-soaked tooth of gold and tried to hand it over to the old man who recoiled from the sight and demanded a washed and cleaned tooth. This posed another problem for Karna, who was suffering from unbearable pain and standing at the verge of death. He said, “Baba, You can see for yourself
how badly injured I am. My entire body is riddled by sharp arrows, resulting in profuse bleeding accompanied by acute pain. My legs have become useless. Even a small movement results in terrible pain. I request you to hand me my bow which is lying on the ground just behind you. Let it be the last wish of a dying man.”
All his entreaties fell on deaf ears as the old man stood motionless and bluntly refused to oblige. In desperation he had to crawl very slowly and under great pain to reach the spot where his bow was lying on the ground. He picked up his bow and arrow and with the help of Varuna Astra created a stream of water and after washing and cleaning the tooth, handed it over to the old man. While doing so, he detected a cryptic smile on the face of the old man, which now seemed somewhat familiar to him. Before he could say anything, he suddenly saw a blinding light which lit the whole battlefield and Shri Krishna in his divine glory standing just in front of him. On seeing this spectacle, he folded his hands and sobbed uncontrollably as he had never done before in his life. With this flood of tears, he felt every good as well as bad impression getting washed away and leaving him empty from within with a pleasant feeling. Shri Krishna knelt down and placed his hand on his forehead, which relieved him instantly of all pain.
He said, “Karna, you have no parallel in the whole world including the Pandavas. History will always remember you as a real hero. After leaving this body you will enter the highest Loka which any human being can dream of. Do you have any last wish?” Karna replied, “Keshava, had you given this choice to me a while ago I would have asked you what I had done to deserve a life of rejection and suffering. But not now. Your darshan has melted everything inside me. I am feeling like an empty vessel. Both my real as well as imaginary grievances against the world have now vanished. But my last wish is to request you to please forgive me for being part of the abortive plot to imprison you outside the Kaurava Sabha.”
Shri Krishna laughingly said, Karna, It is not expected of a hero to be so sensitive. It has already done more harm than good to you. You are as dear to me as the Pandava brothers. In fact you are my eldest cousin and the best. Rest assured and rest in peace.” Suddenly darkness again engulfed the battleground, the only difference being that now Karna was more composed and did not feel any pain. He felt a strange peace descending on him. Recalling his life’s experiences he felt ready to welcome death. He was grateful that through death the Almighty had provided a way out of human misery. To him it seemed that there was no point in going on breathing any more. He closed his eyes for the last time as all his expectations from this world had already melted away. He did not feel any burden of his karma - whether good or bad – and quietly passed away from this world.
Witnessing his own death in the dream awoke him again. He rushed to the exit of the tent and lifted the flap to breathe in some fresh air to regain his composure. It was pitch dark outside, with only a few soldiers guarding his tent. He could hear the howling of wild dogs in the distance, which sounded ominous to him. He let go of the flap and walked reluctantly back to his bed. But recalling his dream, he felt a strange peace enveloping him. He could not believe that he had the darshan of Shri Krishna in his dream. This experience caused his handsome face to shine with a divine glow in the dim light of his tent.
When he hit the bed again he was still reeling under the after-effects of his previous dream in which he had experienced his own death. Presently he fell asleep once again, followed by entry into yet another dream, this time with the whole tent suffused with a divine glow and wonderful fragrance. As he was wondering and trying to figure out the reason behind the appearance of this divine light, he saw Surya himself in the tent in front of him. Karna immediately got up from his bed and with folded hands said, “Surya Deva, please accept pranams from this Suta Putra and be kind enough to enlighten me with the purpose of your unexpected visit.” In reply Surya said, “Son, by now we don’t need any formal introduction, as you are already aware about our exact relationship. I have come here to guide you through the last phase of your life on this earth.”
“Why didn’t you guide me through the first phase as well, when I was at the mercy of the elements of nature as a forlorn child?” replied a bitter Karna. “Son, I did ensure your safety even at that time when the odds against your survival in the river and against predators, both in and out of water, were pretty high,” replied Surya. As Karna burst out sobbing, Surya remained standing with no expression on his face. After letting out his pent up feelings Karna said, “Father, Did I deserve the treatment I have been receiving throughout my life from this world? What was my fault in all this?”
He lifted his hand to restrain Surya from interrupting him and continued, “Father, let me give release to my inner frustration and give you only a few of my experiences of humiliation, even though I am sure you know everything. Let this be a dying man’s last wish. I experienced the first pang of humiliating rejection immediately on reaching Hastinapura, when Guru Dronacharya refused to enroll me in his Gurukula on the basis of my lineage. Thereafter it was a daily encounter with rejection till I was denied admission for higher studies, forcing me to be my own guru under your benign patronage. The episode which changed the very course of my life was when I was insulted in front of thousands of people in the arena during the tournament organised by Guru Dronacharya for his pupils’ graduation ceremony, despite being the best performer of the day. It was only because of Duryodhana that I got a new identity, but the persecution continued in more subtle form. Father, let me tell you something which is hidden under the many layers of good and bad experiences in my mind. Many times I got an impression that even my friends, particularly Shakuni and Duhshasana were using me by stoking the fire of hatred for the Pandavas inside me. Duryodhana loves me, but more out of pity than anything else. What I want is pure love and not something out of respect or pity. The first effect of my transition from a commoner to becoming the King of Anga Desha was that I lied to Guru Parashurama with disastrous consequences known to all. Sometimes I feel I should not have accepted the advice of my new found friends in the matter. The way Draupadi insulted me at the time of her Svayamvara is too well known to be described in detail to you. That must have prompted me to use the kind of language I did during the game of dice. Father, I assure you that I have been regretting my behaviour ever since that day. Bhishma, till he fell in the battlefield, used every single opportunity to remind me about my lineage and belittle my prowess in wielding arms. Last of all Father, I seek your forgiveness for being party to the abortive plot to take Lord Krishna as prisoner. From the depth of my heart, I repent the stupidity of having thought of such a thing!”
Surya said, “My dear son, you don’t have to feel depressed. I know what you actually are. I assure you that coming generations will judge you as the real hero of this great war. Regarding your other grievances, let me tell you that the road to greatness is strewn thick with thorns and hurdles. Nobody who takes birth can escape the effects of destiny and karma. As for destiny, you cannot do anything but regarding karma humans have the opportunity to improve their lot for the next birth or attain even moksha, if they are driven by the urge. You are well versed in scriptures. If you have really absorbed the knowledge contained therein, you should not be cribbing all the time about your fate and the bitter experiences throughout your life. The problem with ordinary humans is that they identify with the body and suffer or enjoy with it, forgetting that eternal bliss exists beyond it. I want you to be aware of it and not get attached to the fruits of your karma, whether good or bad. This very attachment entangles one into the cycle of rebirth, resulting in succession of births and deaths. Regarding your inner urge to be loved without attributes, let me tell you that unconditional love is a rarest of rare commodity in this world. Don’t expect people to praise your good qualities or achievements. Instead they will be prone to pounce on some superficial contradictions in your behaviour and judge you very harshly for them.”
Karna said, “Father, My life’s experiences have convinced me
that my birth was a divine experiment with or without a purpose. Could I have changed my destiny? If so, in what way?” Surya replied, “I have already answered part of your question. Your birth was not just a throw of dice with destiny as your only companion. By your karma you have already determined your destiny for the next janama. You are only a few steps away from the point where eternal life or rebirth will be for you to choose from.”
Karna said, “Father, while growing up I saw others getting everything by the slightest effort, while I had to try very hard for the same thing. It continues even now. On rare occasions when I felt happy, the enjoyment was marred by the apprehension that this was not going to last. Anything worthwhile that I have achieved has come with a hefty price associated with it. It seems that solitude and struggle are my only true companions. I feel very tired as a result and want to resign myself to my fate, as there is no point in struggling forever.”