“Congratulations. I’m sure Wade will be a wonderful father.”
“I know this is hard for you. I just thought you should hear it from me.”
“And now I have.”
I climb into the car. She steps in front of it, so I can’t pull out.
“Say something. Please.”
“Okay. Fuck you, Jen. Fuck you very much. I hope Wade’s kid has better luck in there than mine did. Can I go now?”
“Judd,” she says, her voice low and unsteady. “You can’t really hate me that much, can you?”
I look directly at her with all the sincerity I can muster. “Yes. I can.”
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And maybe it’s the complicated grief over my father that has fi nally begun plucking at my nerves, or maybe it’s simply the way Jen draws back as if slapped, but either way, the intense hurt that fl ashes behind the wide pools of her eyes for that one unguarded instant is almost enough to make me love her again.
Chapter 3
My marriage ended the way these things do: with paramedics and cheesecake.
Marriages fall apart. Everyone has reasons, but no one really knows why. We got married young. Maybe that was our mistake. In New York State, you can legally get married before you can do a shot of tequila. We knew marriage could be difficult in the same way that we knew there were starving children in Africa. It was a tragic fact but worlds away from our reality. We were going to be different. We would keep the fi re stoked; best friends who fucked each other senseless every night. We would avoid the pitfalls of complacency; stay young at heart and in shape, keep our kisses long and deep and our bellies flat, hold hands when we walked, conduct whispered conversations deep into the night, make out in movie theaters, and go down on each other with undimmed enthusiasm until the arthritic limitations of old age made it inadvisable.
“Will you still love me when I’m old?” Jen would say, usually when we were in bed in her dorm room, lying drowsily on her dented mattress in the thick musk of our evaporating sex. She’d be lying on her belly and I’d be on my side, running a lazy finger down the shallow canyon of her spine to where it met the rising curves of her outstanding ass. I was stupidly proud of her ass when we were dating. I would hold open doors for her just to watch it bounce ahead of me, high and tight and perfectly proportioned in her jeans, and I would think to myself, That is an ass to
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15
grow old with. I looked at Jen’s ass as my own personal achievement, wanted to take her ass home to meet my parents.
“When my breasts sag and my teeth fall out, and I’m all dried up and wrinkled like a prune?” Jen would say.
“Of course I will.”
“You won’t trade me in for a younger woman?”
“Of course I will. But I’ll feel bad about it.”
And we would laugh at the impossibility of it all. Love made us partners in narcissism, and we talked ceaselessly about how close we were, how perfect our connection was, like we were the first people in history to ever get it exactly right. We were that cou
ple for a while, nauseatingly impervious assholes, busy staring into each other’s eyes while everyone else was trying to have a good time. When I think about how stupid we were, how obstinately clueless about the re
alities that awaited us, I just want to go back to that skinny, cocksure kid with his bloated heart and perennial erection, and kick his teeth in. I want to tell him how he and the love of his life will slowly fall into a routine, how the sex, while still perfectly fi ne, will become common
place enough that it won’t be unheard of to postpone it in favor of a television show, or a late-night snack. How they’ll stop strategically smothering their farts and closing the door to urinate; how he’ll feel himself growing self-conscious telling funny stories to their friends in front of her, because she’s heard all his funny stories before; how she won’t laugh at his jokes the way other people do; how she’ll start to spend more and more time on the phone with her girlfriends at night. How they will get into raging fights over the most trivial issues: the fail
ure to replace a roll of toilet paper, a cereal bowl caked with oatmeal left to harden in the sink, proper management of the checkbook. How an unspoken point system will come into play, with each side keeping score according to their own complicated set of rules. I want to materialize before that smug little shit like the Ghost of Christmas Past and scare 16
J o n a t h a n Tr o p p e r
the matrimonial impulse right out of him. Forget marriage, I’ll rail at him. Just go for the tequila. Then I’ll whisk him away to the future and show him the look on his face . . .
. . . when I walked into my bedroom and found Jen in bed with another man.
By that point, I probably should have suspected something. Adultery, like any other crime, generates evidence as an inevitable byproduct, like plants and oxygen or humans and, well, shit. So there were no doubt a handful of ways I could have fi gured it out that would have spared me the eye-gouging trauma of actually having to witness it fi rst
hand. The clues must have been piling up for a while already, like unread e-mails, just a click away from being read. A strange number on her cell phone bill, a call quickly ended when I entered the room, the odd unex
plained receipt, a minor bite mark on the slope of her neck that I didn’t remember inflicting, her markedly depleted libido. In the days that fol
lowed, I would review the last year or so of our marriage like the secu
rity tapes after a robbery, wondering how the hell I could have been so damn oblivious, how it took actually walking in on them to fi nally get the picture. And even then, as I watched them humping and moaning on my bed, it took me a little while to put it all together. Because the thing of it is, no matter how much you enjoy sex, there’s something jolting and strangely disturbing about witnessing the sex of others. Nature has taken great pains to lay out the fundamentals of cop
ulation so that it’s impossible to get a particularly good view of the sex you’re having. Because when you get right down to it, sex is a messy, gritty, often grotesque business to behold: the hairs; the abraded, dim
pled flesh; the wide-open orifices; the exposed, glistening organs. And the violence of the coupling itself, primitive and elemental, reminding
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17
us that we’re all just dumb animals clinging to our spot on the food chain, eating, sleeping, and fucking as much as possible before some
thing bigger comes along and devours us.
So when I came home early on Jen’s thirty-third birthday to fi nd her lying spread-eagle on the bed, with some guy’s wide, doughy ass hover
ing above her, clenching and unclenching to the universal beat of pro
creation, his hands jammed under her ass, lifting her up into each thrust, her fi ngers leaving white marks where they pressed into his back, well, it took some time to process.
It hadn’t yet sunk in that it was Jen in the bed. All I knew was that it was my bed, and the only man who had any business having sex in it was me. I briefly considered the possibility that I was in the wrong house, but that seemed like a long shot, and a quick glance over to the picture of Jen on my night table, young and luminous in her bridal gown, con
firmed that I was in the right place. Which was something of a minor relief actually, because to make that kind of mistake, to actually let your
self into your neighbor’s house and walk upstairs to their bedroom oblivious to your error, was probably cause to expect the worst from a brain scan. And if I had walked in on my neighbors rutting like dogs in the middle of the afternoon, I doubt that even the most heartfelt apol
ogy would have been accepted, and I’d never be able to make eye con
tact with them again, let alone ask them to get the mail when we went on vacation.
Also, our neighbors, the Bowens, were in their late sixties and Mr. Bowen was eating his way toward his third heart attack. Even if he was still sexually active, which I highly doubted given the circumfer
ence of his gelatinous gut, the effect of such an untimely intrusion would probably have sent him into cardiac arrest. So, all things considered, it was probably a good thing that I was in my own house. Except, that being the case, it posed a handful of troubling scenarios, the most obvious of which was that the woman writhing on the bed in a 18
J o n a t h a n Tr o p p e r
pool of her own sweat, inserting her French-manicured index fi nger like a dart into the bull’s-eye of her lover’s anus, was my wife, Jen. Which, of course, I’d known the instant I stepped into the room. But my brain was shielding me from the realization, giving me little random thoughts to process, just to keep me distracted, really, while, behind the scenes, my subconscious scrambled to assemble the facts and prepare a strategy for damage control. So instead of thinking, right away, Jen is fucking someone, my marriage is over, or something along those lines, my next thought was actually this: Jen never sticks her fi nger into my asshole during sex. Not that I had any desire for her to do so, especially now that I was seeing firsthand, so to speak, where it had been. We did some fun, nasty stuff from time to time, Jen and I—posi
tions, props, creamy desserts, et cetera—but I fell squarely into that cat
egory of men who simply never feel the desire to bring their asshole into the mix. Not that I was judging the men who did. Except for the man who was currently impaled two knuckles deep on my wife’s index finger, one digit away from the one she used to fl ip the bird at the guy who had cut us off in the HOV lane last week, two away from the diamond eternity band I’d bought her on our fi fth anni
versary. I was judging him pretty severely, actually. So much so that it took me an extra beat to realize that he was, in fact, Wade Boulanger, a popular radio personality who, in addition to screwing my wife and ap
parently enjoying the occasional bit of anal stimulation, was also my boss.
Wade is the host of a popular WIRX morning drive radio program called Man Up with Wade Boulanger. He talks about sex, cars, sports, and money. But mostly about sex. He consults on air with porn stars, strip
pers, and prostitutes. He takes calls from men and women who tell him,
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19
in graphic detail, about their sex lives. He announces and then rates his own farts. He tells lovelorn, sex-starved callers to “Man up already!”
There are T-shirts and coffee mugs and bumper stickers with the catch
phrase. He is a professional asshole, syndicated in twelve markets. Th e
advertisers line up like sheep.
I’m not knocking it. I was his producer. I booked the guests. I over
saw the interns screening the calls, the I.T. geeks who run the website. I met with the station bosses about format and sponsorship. I liaised with legal, H.R., and advertising. I ordered lunch and bleeped the curse words. I’d been fresh out of college and working as an assistant at WRAD, a small local station, when Wade’s career was just heating up, and for some reason he liked me. When his producer was fired over a fl ap with the FCC, Wade hired me. We took long lunches after the show, whole afternoons spent in restaurants on the station’s dime, drinking dirty martinis and coming up with bits. He called me his voice of reason, valued my opinion, and took me with him when he moved from the lo
cal affiliate to WIRX. And when the show went into syndication, he threatened to walk when the station balked at my contract. Wade is tall and beefy, with dark, wiry hair and a cleft that makes his chin look like a tiny ass. His teeth are a shade of white not found in nature. At forty, Wade still references his fraternity brothers like they matter, still evaluates passing breasts out loud, still calls them tits. He is that guy. It’s easy to picture him in his frat-boy prime, chugging down beers to rounds of applause, humiliating pledges, slipping roofi es into the red plastic cups of pretty freshman girls at keggers. There’s nothing in life, really, to prepare you for the experience of see
ing your wife have sex with another man. It’s one of those surreal events that you’ve imagined at one point or another without any real 20
J o n a t h a n Tr o p p e r
clarity, like dying or winning the lottery. When it comes to knowing how to react, you’re in uncharted territories. And so, in the absence of any reaction, I stood there frozen, watching Jen’s face as Wade pumped away at her like the piston of a wide, hairy engine. Her head was arched back, chin pointed up to God, as she panted heavily through her wideopen mouth, eyes clamped shut with pleasure. I tried to recall if she’d ever looked so intensely committed, so beautifully dirty when we had sex, but it was hard to say. I’d never had this vantage point before. Also, it had been forever since we’d had sex during the day, and at night it’s harder to make out the nuances of your partner’s expression. Th en Jen
let out a long, urgent moan that started low before suddenly jumping up a few octaves into this kind of wounded puppy’s yelp. I was pretty damn sure I’d never heard her make that sound before. And as she did it, her hands slid down Wade’s back to grab his ass and pull him deeper into her. I found myself wondering about Wade Boulanger’s cock. Specifically, was it bigger than mine? Thicker? Harder? Was it slightly curved, the way some cocks are, hitting places inside of her that mine had never hit, heretofore untapped bits of soft tissue that made her cry out like that? Was Wade a more skilled lover? Had he studied Tantric technique? He had certainly slept with enough hookers and porn stars to have gotten some hands-on instruction. From where I was standing, it certainly looked like Wade knew what he was doing, but, in fairness, I had never seen myself have sex. Jen and I never videotaped ourselves the way some couples did, and now I kind of regretted that. Reviewing the game tapes every now and then might have been helpful. For all I knew, I looked every bit as convincing. But that yelp . . . I’d been having every kind of sex with Jen for over ten years, and she had never yelped like that. I’d have remembered.
I realized that I was already thinking about how I would tell Jen—
my Jen—about this later, how I would describe this insanity to her to
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21
night when I got home. But I already was home. And my Jen didn’t exist anymore, had dispersed into mist right before my eyes. And this new Jen, this squealing, sweating, anal-probing Jen, didn’t need me to tell her. She could probably tell me a few things. I experienced a smattering of microscopic pinpricks across my stomach, the first hint of the anguish being readied below in the darkest recesses of my churning guts. It was still forming, but I could already feel the intense heat of it rising up into my chest like a concentrated la
ser beam, and I knew that once the world started spinning again, it would blossom into a white-hot flash and incinerate me. And still they fucked, in and out, up and down, grunt and yelp, like they were going for a record, and underneath it all, the sounds you don’t think about, the slapping and slishing, the farting suction, the mechani
cal sounds of intercourse, the air thick with the pungent smell of their sex. And still I stood there, letting it happen, trembling like a weed. Then Wade lifted Jen’s left leg over his head and brought it down onto her right one, turning her onto her side without missing a thrust. It was not an easy maneuver to accomplish without withdrawing, this little bit of stunt fuckery, but the ease with which he did it, and the way Jen turned and rolled on cue, made it clear that they’d been down this par
ticular road before. And that’s when it occurred to me to wonder how long this had been going on: a month? Six months? How many positions had they mastered? How much of my marriage was a lie? Jen was fuck
ing Wade Boulanger sideways on my bed, on the rumpled Ralph Lauren duvet she’d bought at Nordstrom when we first moved into th
e house. My life, as I knew it, was over.
This is probably as good a time as any to mention that I was holding a large birthday cake.
22
J o n a t h a n Tr o p p e r
* * *
I had left work early to pick up the cake, a chocolate-strawberry cheesecake, her favorite. Jen always called in sick on her birthday. We were going to go out for dinner later, but I’d come home early to surprise her with the cake. In the driveway, I opened the box and planted thirtythree candles and one for good luck. I stopped in the foyer to light the candles with a long-stemmed oven lighter bought specifically for this purpose. I could hear her moving around upstairs, so I discarded the box and headed up, treading slowly and evenly on the balls of my feet like a cat burglar, articulating each step the way you do to keep candles lit. Now the candles were already more than halfway melted, gobs of spent red wax splashed across the pristine white frosting like blood dripped on snow. If things had gone according to plan, Jen would have blown them out by now. Then she would have wiped a chunk of frosting off with her fi nger and licked it, kissed me with cream cheese lips, and we would have lived happily ever after. But I hadn’t planned for this contingency and now the cake was ruined.
Later, I knew, there would be a slew of painful questions that re
solved nothing. How could she do it? When did it start? Why? Were they in love, or simply after the thrill of illicit sex? Which answer did I prefer?
I didn’t really want to know the answers to any of these questions. When you’ve borne witness to your wife’s illicit copulation, you’d prob
ably have a better chance at achieving some sort of closure with a .357 Magnum at close range than with the scientific method. But I knew I’d ask regardless, because that’s what you did. I’d been forced into a movie, and there was nothing to do but follow the script. But right then, at that very moment, it came to me like a revelation, the single most important question to be asked, and I was pretty damn certain I was ready to know the answer. The question, in its simplest form, was this: How far up
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This Is Where I Leave You Page 2