by T. L. Tate
Somewhere between the time that I fell asleep and the grey hours of early dawn, I was woken by a lithe figure standing above me. I was still drunk and was only then starting to feel the tale-tale tingling of a pretty monstrous hangover.
"J-Jen?"
She didn't say anything. I couldn't make out her face in the gloom but she wore the same manner as Jen so I was convinced it was her.
"Jen? What is it? Is everything okay?" I saw her nod her head up and down. In relief I laid my forearm over my eyes and tried to drift back to sleep.
I threw my arm down to my side and my eyes flew open the moment I felt the soft skin of her thigh on my leg.
"Jen!" I tried to sit up but she placed her finger over my lips.
"Shhh!"
I understood. She didn't want to wake Izzy.
I didn't have a problem with being quiet if it meant we would finally cross the line we had been tightrope walking for months. I nodded as she pressed her soft lips to mine.
Her body wasn't how I had imagined it. It was still soft and fine but thinner in places where I had imagined a little more oomph. There wasn't a lot of room on the couch so she rode me good and hard that night. It felt as if she didn't want to be caught in the act. She fucked me and I fucked her back. When she came she did so with a sharp intake of air and a long low sigh. She fell on top of me as I continued to pump her from underneath until I finally released as well. I held her as I came down from my orgasm. It felt nice that we were finally together I just wished it didn't take the false bravado of alcohol to get us to that point.
I was moments away from falling back to sleep with the girl I cared for lying on my chest and being held in my arms and then the lights flicked on.
"What the hell is going on here?"
I did a double take.
There, standing by the bedroom door was a beautifully tortured brunette with eyes like the desert at twilight. Jen looked ferocious—5'5" of gothic terror in a pair of Bugs Bunny pajamas.
I was beyond confused. If I just had sex with Jen and she was lying on my chest, how was she also standing by her bedroom door looking—for all the world—like she was plotting my bloody demise?
Even my alcohol reduced mental faculties were able to see what happened. As the girl on my chest pushed herself up, her cartoon mouse tattoo in full display, I fell deep into the bowels of instant regret.
I looked at Izzy. She was smiling at Jen with a smug expression on her face, my cock still jammed inside of her pussy.
I looked at Jen. To say that she was fuming wouldn't give her reaction enough credit. Her oval face was red. Her brown eyes were wide, as her eyelids seem pushed back inside of her face. Tears fell down her cheeks as her lips curled back in a dangerous snarl. Her hands were balled in tight little fists, her knuckles completely white. Her nostrils were flaring as she breathed in and out like a rampaging bull.
Despite our differences in size, something told me that if I went up against her at that moment, I would've been the one needing to be hospitalized. I tried to get up but Izzy wouldn't budge. She continued to look at Jen with this smug look that said "What did you think was going to happen?"
I had to push her off of me, my cock making an unpleasant popping sound as it was dragged out of the suction of her tight snatch. I tried not to notice as her hand shot down to her pussy, keeping my cum from dribbling out on Jen's couch. I stood up with my hands before me.
"J-Jen. Please. It's not what it looks like."
She turned her heated glare towards me. "Not what it looks like? It looks to me like you just fucked some bitch on my goddamn couch! You fucked this bitch in my apartment when I was sleeping! You fucked her! Her!"
"Jen, please listen."
But she wouldn't listen. She pointed towards her door. "Get the fuck out. I never want to see you again."
She didn't yell the last bit. Her voice, which before was so powerful and piercing, had become dry and pathetic. It was much more damning than anything.
I scooped up my clothes and put them on in a blur. I was out of her apartment within seconds, followed by Izzy.
"Why?" We were walking down the airy corridor of the apartment's hallway when I stopped and turned to ask her the obvious question.
Izzy looked at me as if I was a dimwit. "Humph! Why not? That little bitch gets everything handed to her. She's probably never known a day of hardship in her life."
I was dumbfounded. "You don't even know her."
"Don't I?" She crossed her arms defensively. "I've known bitches like that. They all claim to be so depressed and shit but really all they want is attention from mommy and daddy. She's no different. She just wants to make people think that she's all tortured and shit. It pisses me off. So what! I fucked the guy she likes. That ought to teach her."
I didn't know what was worse—the fact that she so grossly underestimated Jen, or that I could have ever thought the two girls were similar. Now that we were standing under the bright lights of the exterior hallway I could see that they weren't anything alike. Izzy's face was narrow and pocked. Her small eyes were beady and full of misplaced antagonism. Her thin lips and shallow cheeks didn't hold a candle to Jen's luscious features. But the worst of it was her spirit. Sure Jen had some issues but she was still trying to overcome them. Izzy's spirit was old, battered and full of hatred.
I said all that I could say before leaving her behind. "You're a fool. I sincerely hope that one day you'll realize how wrong you are about everything and when you do you'll find Jen and apologize. Bye."
I never saw Izzy again.
The next morning I went in search of Jen. It wasn't hard to find her. She barricaded herself in her apartment and refused to so much acknowledge I was there. I sat on the floor in front of her door for hours, waiting for her to open her door. By the seventh hour, my ass was numb and I was seriously considering just using the spare key she gave me to open her door. Fortunately, it never came down to that. Her door swung open with such force that it created a vacuum, causing me to fall backwards. When I looked up, Jen was standing over me. She still wore the same cartoon pajamas but her face was red and her eyes were puffy like she had been crying all day.
It broke my heart...as well it should have.
"Jen. Oh my god. Jen, I'm so sorry." I picked myself up as she stepped back a few paces. I closed the door but didn't move any closer to her. "Jen, I'm really sorry."
"Don't be." Her voice was flat. I knew this voice. It was her I hate the world voice.
"Jen."
"Stop it. Just stop." She produced a tissue from her pocket and dabbed at her nose. "It doesn't even matter, Lance. It's not like we're dating or anything."
"Jen, please."
"No! I don't want to hear your excuses. You got your rocks off. I'm fine with that, really. I'm just a silly little girl crying over a silly little thing. It's not worth being upset over."
"Jen."
"Just tell me this...why her? Huh? Out of all the girls that you met last night, why did you choose her?"
This was it. It was now or never. It was do or die. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I knew that this moment would either define or destroy whatever it was that was building between us.
I looked at her swollen and pained eyes. She was easily the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. "I thought that she was you."
She repeated my words as if they were alien to her, "You thought she was me?"
"Yes."
"Why would you think that?"
"Because I wanted her to be you."
She threw her hands up and marched over to her kitchen. "You wanted? You wanted? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She sloshed some day old scotch in a glass and downed its contents without batting an eye. I remembered the bottle. We opened it yesterday but barely made any headway, but from the looks of the nearly empty bottle she had more than made up for our light showing.
I slowly approached her, wary that she was just as likely to welcome me as she was to throw that glas
s tumbler at my head.
"Listen, I'm sorry that things happened like that. I wish I could say it was because I was drunk but really I just so desperately wanted her to be you that that was what I saw. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Hurt me?" Her eyes were swimming as she refilled her glass. "You didn't hurt me. You could never hurt me. No one can. No one is worth trusting so why let anyone in? Huh? Why give someone a chance to hurt me?"
I saw where this was going and it shattered my heart. "Jen" I pleaded.
But she wouldn't listen. "You're just like the rest of 'em. You just want to get off and get out. Well whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. If you need sex so bad then come on. Come over here and fuck me."
When I didn't move she became more irate.
"What's the matter? Huh? Am I not good enough? Don't you want a piece of this? You said you thought she was me, so prove it. Prove you want to fuck me. Bend me over and put your cock inside of me. Come on you pussy. I dare you!"
Jen was so used to people using her and trampling all over her. Now she saw me as just another loser. I couldn't bear it.
We spent months tearing down our walls and baring our naked souls to one another. I understood her and I knew that she understood me. She was a loner and I was outgoing. I forged many relationships over the years but they were shallow and could be labeled and nothing more than acquaintances. Jen was different. She was someone that I didn't have to hide around. She was someone who didn't require me to play a role to get her to like me. She accepted me for who I was and I refused to lose her because of my mistake.
I closed my eyes and cursed myself for doing something that hurt her and for being another asshole who caused her to doubt her own self-worth.
I made it to her side without her throwing the bottle at me. I placed my hand on her shoulder. She was trembling.
"Jen. I'm sorry."
"I don't want your fucking apology. I told you, it's fine. You just want to screw. That's good. So do I. Just fuck me and make me forget. Just fuck me, Lance. Fuck me and make it so that I never remember any of this. Use me until you're done. I don't care. You can fuck me however you like. Just use me, Lance. Just do it."
Her voice was pathetic and cracked the whole time. Her eyes were bloodshot and swollen. Her dark eyeliner seemed etched in her cheeks. She looked exhausted. It was like she had nothing else to give. I was her last hope. I was the person that was supposed to show her that life and trusting others was worth it. I was supposed to be there for her and I fucked her over. I was the worse kind of scum.
I wiped her tears away with my thumb and held her face. "I'm sorry, Jen. I wanted, no, I want you."
Her face broke in anguish as she allowed her emotions to take hold.
It happened faster than I would've thought possible. She pushed me back against the opposite countertop and jumped into my arms. I caught her by reflex and she promptly wrapped her ankles behind the small of my back. She pressed her lips to mine and I froze in shock.
This wasn't how I imagined our first kiss would be. She was panting as she tried to force her tongue into my mouth. I could taste a mixture of salty tears and a slightly metallic tang that I knew was her eyeliner.
I pulled my head back and tried to dislodge her, to no avail.
"Jen, wait. Jen. Jen!"
She finally pulled back. She shouted, "What?" Her eyes were wild with a mixture of pain, regret and confusion.
She unhooked her ankles and I placed her on the ground.
The moment her feet touched the floor she huffed and ran into her bedroom. I chased after her.
Her bedroom was totally destroyed. The bed lay on its side. Pictures and posters were torn from the wall. Her computer lay on the ground smashed with a decidedly wicked footprint in the side. Her clothes were scattered about and surrounded by books and papers. But I only noticed these things in passing. Jen was my top priority. I caught up to her and grabbed her arm. The moment I touched her, she turned around madly, ripping her arm from my hand. It brought me up short. I raised my hands to indicate that I wouldn't touch her again until she wanted me to.
"What's your fucking problem? You'll fuck anyone but me, huh? Is that it? You liked her pussy. Boy, you must've really loved her pussy. Huh? You probably creamed your fucking shorts wanting to get inside of her pants. But I'm like what? Damaged goods? Is that it? You don't want to sully your precious reputation by being with a broken girl. Is that it?"
Oh how I wanted to pull her in close. I wanted to hold her to my chest and confess my feelings even though I didn't quite understand the depth of them at that moment. I wanted to hold her and kiss her until her knees buckled. I wanted all these things but I couldn't do any of them.
I looked into her torn chocolate eyes to try to find an ounce of the fun girl I had gotten so close to these last months. There! Right behind the wall of pain and to the left of the fountain of despair and regret, I saw her. I reached for her, determined to pull her back.
"Jen." I made my voice as calm and earnest as I could. "Jen, please listen to me. Will you give me a chance to just say what I have to say?"
She nodded.
"Thank you. I regret last night. I regret that I slept with Izzy. I regret that I got so drunk that I did such a stupid thing. I regret that I made you think less of me. But most of all I regret that I hurt you. You're the most special person to me. You're all I think about. When I go to bed at night it's you that I see. When I wake up it's you that I think about. When I see something that I find cute or that makes me laugh I instantly think to myself...Jen would love to see this or I wish Jen were here. I don't know when it started but I know that I can't stop thinking about you. Yes, I fucked up. Dear lord, did I ever fuck up. But if you let me, I swear that I'll show you that I'm different. I'll prove to you that I'm not out to hurt you. I want to be there for you and I want you to be there for me. I need you, Jen. Not because I want to use you but because my heartbeat tells me that I do. I think...no...I know that I'm in love with you. This isn't how I thought I would ever say it but it's true. I'm in love with you and if it takes the skin from my bones I will prove to you that I'm not just saying what I think you want to hear. I'm telling you the truth. I love you, Jen. Please forgive me."
There was something indescribably freeing about emptying my feelings out and laying them at her feet. For months I had had this tightness in my chest and now it was suddenly gone. The moment I confessed my true feelings there was a weightlessness and a clarity that I've never experienced. I loved Jen. I loved her and I didn't care if the whole world knew.
Somewhere between me apologizing and me confessing my love for her, Jen's brain seemed to shut down. She stared at me, her eyes wide, while her jaw worked soundlessly. It was as if she was trying to piece together what I was saying but it was so alien that it caused her brain to overheat.
When she spoke, her voice had lost its vehemence. There was innocence there that I rarely saw but was all the more lovely because of its rarity. "Y-you l-l-love me? You love me? You love me? You love me. Oh my god. Oh my god. You love me!"
At some point it stopped being a question and turned into this strange dialogue. She looked at me and then away. At me and then away. It seemed like she didn't know what to do. She was prepared to be angry. She was prepared to throw herself at me. She was prepared for me to use her body for my own pleasure. She wasn't prepared for me to tell her how I truly felt. Now that I had she had to decide whether or not she could accept my honest feelings.
I watched as she did a silent calculation in her mind. Love x Fidelity ÷ Lack of Self-esteem - Sex with Izzy + A Good Man with a Good Heart He Fucking Loves Me, Holy Shit =...
When she was finally done with her calculation, she stepped warily and wearily closer to me. She put her head in the center of my chest and refused to look at me. She wrapped her arms around my waist as she pressed her body to mine. I took this as a sign that it was okay to touch her again. And sure enough, when I protectively placed my arms around her, she d
idn't slug me in the eye.
Her voice was small and muffled but I heard her clearly.
"I love you, Lance. I've loved you since the first night you came to tutor me. I didn't want to admit it because I thought I would lose you."
"You will never lose me. I swear that I will do whatever it takes to prove that to you."
She nodded and squeezed me harder. I held her closer.
She turned her head and rested her ear on my chest. "If you ever do that to me again, I'll snip your cock off."
"Of course, Jen. Of course."
We didn't have sex that night. I helped her put her room back together and we lay on her bed all night while I held her. She was like an innocent damsel and I wanted to be the heroic knight that rescued her.
In the 12 years that followed I had kept true to my word. It wasn't hard. Jen was my world. I loved her more now than I did when we were in college. She still had a ways to go with her jealousy issues, but she was no longer as self-defeating as she was back then. So I'll take that as a win.
Now, as we rode in the back of her sister's car and she came down from her jealousy high, she looked at me with a chagrined expression on her face.
"I'm sorry, honey. You know I can get crazy sometimes. I didn't mean to bite your head off."
I chuckled. "Oh yes you did."
She smiled, shyly. "Okay, maybe I did...a little. But you're right. I'm sorry. I've got to get my jealousy under control. It's totally not hot. I'm sorry."
I gamely elbowed her in the side. "So you're saying that the old guy still has it, huh? I mean that must be what you're saying if you think some 18 year old waitress has the hots for me."
I winked at her and she growled. Yanking on my collar, she pulled me down until my face was less than an inch from hers. "Hell yeah, you still got it. But tonight you're going to give it to me!"
I could feel my pulse quicken as she got my motor running in overdrive. "Mmmm! Yes, ma'am." I kissed her long and hard and she fell back against the door, pulling me half on top of her. We made out like teenagers, unaware and uncaring of who was around us. It still amazed me how taken I was with her. It's been 12 years and I still can't get enough of her.