‘So what? You got off with him? You had sex with him? What?’
‘I …’ She looks at Cassie, her mouth trembling.
‘Don’t ask her!’ I shout. ‘And don’t say you can’t remember because it sounds to me like you remember pretty well.’
For a long time she doesn’t speak, but her mouth works as if it’s trying to decide what to say. ‘No,’ she says finally. ‘I – I – he wouldn’t play.’
‘Wouldn’t play?’
She sounds sulky now. ‘I tried it on. OK? It was my birthday and – well, I’m not used to people saying no. I thought – we could hook up. Nothing serious – but he – he just pushed me away. Like – hard. That’s how I got the bruises. And I whacked my head off a tree. Lucky for him I wasn’t knocked out. All I did was try to kiss him.’
She caresses the bruises on her wrists. The scene she has just described is ugly and sordid and – yes, violent – but it’s a million times better than the scene that’s been haunting me for a week.
‘And lucky for you he didn’t – oh, it doesn’t matter.’ All of a sudden I’m sick of her, and her creepy friend. ‘Just – tell me straight – did Luke try to make you do anything you didn’t want?’
She sighs. ‘No.’
‘Right.’
I turn round. Toby is still standing behind us – I’d forgotten about him. ‘Come on, Tobes,’ I say. Now that I’ve done my brave bit, my voice is thick and I know I’m about to burst into tears. ‘We’re late for class.’
‘Never mind class.’ He half-runs to catch up with me, grabbing my arm. ‘You were brilliant. And you got the truth. I knew he wouldn’t –’
‘I know.’ I don’t think the relief has hit me yet. ‘But Toby – it doesn’t change what Luke did. What he thinks happened. I don’t think I can get Jasmine to confess that all again in front of him. Even if he was speaking to me, which he isn’t.’
‘No need,’ Toby says.
‘What do you mean?’
He waves his phone at me. ‘What did you think I was doing? Updating my Facebook status? Texting my mum?’
‘I don’t –’
‘I’ve got it all,’ he says. ‘On video. If you want proof for Luke, you’ve got it.’
Luke
‘If you could make a bit of an effort, Luke?’ I’ve pushed Brendan through his entire repertoire of tones of voice, and now I’ve finally driven him to pissed-off.
I sigh. ‘I told you, I don’t know. It’s not – one thing.’
Yes, it is one thing, Lukey – it’s you.
‘Maybe have a go at telling me some of the things?’
‘Brendan – you’re not my counsellor.’
Though someone else is going to be. Twice a week. One of the conditions of getting out of here today. Christ knows what we’ll talk about.
‘No,’ he agrees. ‘But harsh as this might sound I am the only person in your life right now who has known you for more than two months. And it’s my job to care about you.’
‘Your job.’
‘That came out wrong – I mean, I care about you. For God’s sake, Luke – why do you think I’m here?’
‘You probably have to fill in an incident form.’
I look up at the ceiling. There’s a tiny grey stain that I think is getting bigger. I’ve been keeping tabs on it. It’s the shape of a dick.
Pervert.
Brendan gets up to leave. ‘Luke – I’ll see you in a day or so. You’ll be home this afternoon anyway.’
‘Home?’ I try to keep the anxiety out of my voice. I haven’t asked.
‘Sandra and Bill’s.’ He sounds surprised. ‘You didn’t think – oh Luke! They’ve coped with this kind of thing before.’
This kind of thing. Sorry to be such a standard-issue-foster kid. See, Helena? You were wrong. Always telling me I wasn’t like other kids in care. I was special. I was better. I was going to be a success. What would you think if you could see me now?
‘So they aren’t chucking me out?’ To my annoyance my voice falters slightly.
Brendan sits down again. He tries to put his hand on my arm but I flinch away. He sighs. ‘Of course not. That’s the last thing they’d do. Luke – you’ve had far too much to deal with in the last year. Your mum. Your epilepsy. Leaving Helena. But none of it was your fault. You need to let people help you. You need to let people in.’
I don’t reply.
‘Look – I’ll call in and see you in a day or so.’
‘Can’t wait.’
He leaves.
I study the ceiling.
Esther
Sandra answers the door. She looks older and greyer. And not that surprised to see me, which presumably means she isn’t up to speed with the whole Luke-wanting-me-to-stay-away situation.
‘He’s not very sociable,’ she warns me.
‘I’ve got something that might cheer him up.’
She smiles sadly. ‘A miracle? Go on up. I’ll put the kettle on.’
I wonder if I’ll get to stay long enough for that.
I knock on the bedroom door, remembering the spying I did last week.
‘Luke?’
There’s silence from behind the door. I call again, louder. If he’s asleep I don’t want to wake him, but on the other hand – what I’m holding in my hand is going to make all the difference to him.
‘Luke? I’ve got something for you.’ I can hear Sandra bustling round the kitchen, so presumably she can hear me too, which stops me saying exactly what I’ve got, because I don’t know how much Sandra knows.
Silence. I stare at the USB in my hand. Transferring Toby’s video only took a few minutes. It looks so tiny. I can’t risk leaving it on the floor outside the door.
‘OK,’ I say, just in case he isn’t asleep but just ignoring me. ‘I’m going to leave it with Sandra. It’s something you’ll want to see. Honestly.’ I feel really stupid standing here talking to a closed door. At least when I talked to him in the hospital we were in the same room, even if he was unconscious. ‘OK, I’m going now. I hope – I hope you’re OK. And please – watch the video, Luke.’
My voice cracks a bit on his name and I rush back down the stairs, noticing for the first time how steep they are, and that there are dark stains on the carpet and wallpaper. You can tell that someone’s tried to clean them, but it’s obvious what they are. The stairs end in a tiny hall. No wonder he hit his head. Probably on the front door.
I find Sandra in the kitchen. She turns round in surprise. ‘That didn’t take long.’
‘There’s no answer.’
‘I don’t think he’s asleep. He was down having his tea twenty minutes ago. Not that he’s eating much.’ She shakes her head. ‘Will I go up and give him a shout? Did he know it was you?’
I put my hand on her arm.
‘Look,’ I say, ‘I don’t think he wants to see me. I mean – ever.’ I frown to stop my stupid voice shaking again. ‘But will you give him this?’ I hand out the USB. She takes it, her eyes quizzical.
I take a deep breath. ‘I don’t know for sure,’ I say, ‘but I think – Luke might have been so upset because of something he – thought – he was being accused of. But there’s evidence on this that he didn’t do it. Please – will you just give it to him? As soon as you can?’
‘Of course I will. God, anything’s worth trying. But you’ll stay and get a wee cup of tea?’
I shake my head. ‘Thanks. But no. I just want him to see the video.’
She sees me out, holding the USB carefully in her hand. Walking down the street to the bus stop I don’t let myself turn back to look up at his bedroom window.
Luke
It’s only a few minutes before the door knocks again. Jay, who’s taken up residence on my bed, looks up and meows. I bite my lip. I can’t stand this. Why won’t Esther take the hint? She’s better off without me anyway. She doesn’t know how much better.
But the temptation to open the door –
Yes, Lukey. Let her in
and then she can be your next victim.
I roll over and hide my head in my pillow, as if that was ever enough to block him out.
‘Luke?’ It’s Sandra, not Esther. Relief and disappointment slug it out in my mind. Her voice is followed by her head round the door, even though I didn’t say come in. I suppose I’ve forfeited the right to any privacy.
‘Esther left you this.’ She hands out a tiny yellow USB. ‘She says it’s a video and you’ll want to see it. She says it’ll make you feel better.’
‘I don’t want it.’ It’s probably Esther talking to me, asking me to let us start again, reminding me how good it was –
And oh God, it was good.
Too good for you, Lukey.
I shake my head. ‘I don’t want it.’
‘I don’t know what’s going on with you or with that wee girl. But you either take this and watch it now or I’m going to put it on and watch it myself. It’s up to you.’
‘You can’t do that. That’s a breach of –’
‘Well, get down off your bloody high horse and watch it yourself then.’
I don’t say anything. But I hold my hand out for the USB.
I don’t get it. I watch it a second time, a third.
Esther like an avenging angel – strong and beautiful and fiercer than I ever thought she could be. And Jasmine.
So he didn’t force himself on you?
No.
No.
It’s in the sixth-form centre coffee bar. Who took it? Could it be a hoax? No – of course not. It’s Esther. Esther in the video and Esther who wanted to make sure I had it.
I didn’t do it.
It doesn’t matter that I don’t remember properly. I still didn’t do it.
You didn’t do it this time, Lukey. Doesn’t mean you’re off the hook. Doesn’t mean you deserve to live.
Shut up. Go away. I didn’t do it.
I DIDN’T DO IT.
I haven’t realised I’ve said this out loud.
I haven’t realised I must have shouted it. Jay jumps off the bed with a yowl.
‘Luke?’
It’s the first time Sandra hasn’t knocked. She stands in the doorway, her hands full of cutlery and drying cloth. ‘What’s going on?’
‘I didn’t do it,’ I whisper.
I realise that she hasn’t a clue what I’m talking about. I also realise there are tears on my face.
She sets the cutlery, wrapped in the cloth, down on the desk beside the laptop. She sits down on the bed beside me and it creaks under her weight. I know she wants to hug me, but I can’t let that happen. I might never stop. I blink the tears out of my eyes.
‘I’m fine,’ I say.
‘It was meant to cheer you up.’
‘It did. It’s just – complicated.’
‘Can you try and explain?’
I look down at my hands. The right one is still bandaged. Apparently I was holding a glass when I fell. I know Sandra deserves something, but I don’t know where to start. I shake my head.
‘Luke, you can’t keep on like this. Are you going to talk to your counsellor?’
I shrug.
‘What about Esther?’
I shrug again.
‘Luke – you do know that wee girl hardly left your side, don’t you? I know yous were fell out – no, I don’t know why, and I don’t care – but she was up at that hospital night, noon and morning.’
I shiver. ‘I didn’t know.’ Esther’s face when I told her to go away.
‘If you won’t talk to me, will you at least go and talk to her? For her sake. It’s not all about you, you know. At the very least you can thank her for being there for you. If you want to go now, I’ll take you. Before Coronation Street, if you don’t mind.’
She gives me a bit of a pat on the shoulder, picks up the bundle of cutlery, and leaves.
_____________
I can’t help shivering as Sandra turns into Esther’s street. Not sure if it’s bad memories, nerves, or just that I’ve been cold ever since leaving the overheated hermetic world of the hospital this afternoon.
‘It’s just at the bottom of the hill, on the right,’ I tell Sandra.
An ambulance is parked at the corner house, across from Esther’s. I see Sandra look at it and for the first time I think about what this has all been like for her. Finding me. Waiting for the ambulance. Sticking with me now.
She brings the car to a quiet stop at the end of the Wilsons’ driveway. ‘OK? Just call me when you want picked up.’
I nod. ‘Sandra –’
‘What, love?’
‘Thanks. For – you know. Everything. I’m glad – I like living with you. And I’m sorry …’
‘Och, son.’ She pats my hand and I make myself not snatch it away. ‘I know what you mean. Now, get on and see that wee girl before I miss the start of Corrie.’
I note with relief that Big Willy’s car isn’t in the drive. Maybe they’re all out. But lights shine from behind the living-room curtains and as I reach the front door I hear the theme from The One Show.
Esther answers the door. She’s in her school uniform and furry slippers and her eyes are smudgy and tired.
‘Oh,’ she says, ‘I thought you didn’t want –’
‘I came to say – I don’t know. Thanks. For the video and – being with me at the hospital and – everything.’
‘OK.’ She nods. ‘You’re welcome.’
‘And – sorry?’ I suggest. ‘I mean – I’m sorry.’
She pulls the door aside. ‘Come in.’
The warmth of the house reaches out to me. A candle burns on the telephone table. It smells like Christmas.
‘Come into the living room,’ Esther says. ‘Mum’s out with Ruth’s mum, and Dad’s at one of his church meetings.’
Their living room is tidy and warm with books in two bookcases on either side of the gas fire. There are family photos on the wall. Big Willy on his graduation day with hair – dark, shiny hair like Esther’s. A gap-toothed Esther beams over the handlebars of a pink bike. The real Esther sits on an armchair and picks up a cushion to hug.
I sit on the sofa opposite her.
‘Um. So how are –’
‘Who made the vid–’
Esther gives a tiny awkward laugh. ‘Toby. I didn’t know he was even doing it. I just wanted Jasmine to tell the truth. He was the one thought of getting proper evidence.’
‘So you and Toby – were you – like – talking about me?’
She flips up her chin. ‘What do you think, Luke? You do something – dramatic like that, you can expect people to talk.’ Her voice softens. ‘But – no. People aren’t gossiping about you. Not in a bad way. And they were never talking about the party. At least not about you and Jasmine. Which is what made me and Toby kind of suspicious.’
‘I wasn’t trying to be – dramatic. It wasn’t like that.’
She looks down at the cushion she’s hugging. Then looks up. Her face is screwed up with intensity. ‘So what was it like? Did you actually want to die?’
Not even for Esther do I want to remember this. But I know I have to try. ‘Nothing was any good. I wasn’t any good. I felt like – I was falling. And I didn’t know how to land. And then – I don’t know. I just let go.’
‘Because of what happened at the party?’
I nod, willing the pressure at the back of my eyes to go away.
‘But you heard what Jasmine said: she was the one who came on to you.’
‘I still hurt her, though. She had bruises.’
‘I know. You pushed her away. But what did you – what did you think had happened?’
‘What – what you said. What Cassie said.’ I can only whisper.
‘That you’d tried to rape her?’
Nausea twists in me. Not even he has said that word.
‘I … I couldn’t remember. I was drunk, and –’
Her voice seems to come from far away. ‘I was drunk on my birthday. I don’t remem
ber everything that happened when – well, when Mum and Dad came home.’ She shudders. ‘But if someone told me I’d – I dunno – snogged a rabbit or something, I wouldn’t believe them because deep down I would know I couldn’t do that.’
‘Because you’re normal !’ The words fly out before I’ve even thought them. Maybe it wasn’t even me. Maybe it was his voice.
‘What?’
I shake my head. ‘I don’t know. I can’t – don’t ask me.’ Panic, fear, and the sudden desire just to tell her fight with the cold horror inside me.
‘Luke. You’re shaking.’ She sets down her cushion, gets up and sits beside me on the sofa. She takes both my hands. Hers are warm. She smells the same as she’s always done.
I trust her so much.
I trust you, Lukey. You won’t give away our secret, will you?
‘What do you mean?’ Esther whispers. ‘Why would you even think you could hurt someone like that?’
I shake my head harder and harder until something in my neck cracks. ‘Don’t. You don’t want to know.’
She rubs her hands up my arms, makes me look into her steady warm brown eyes. ‘Did something happen – I don’t mean Jasmine – I mean – some other girl? That made you think maybe –’
‘No! I’ve never hurt anyone like that. I promise I haven’t. You’re the only girl I’ve ever …’ My voice comes out high and childish.
Esther’s eyes widen. ‘Did someone’ – she hesitates – ‘hurt you?’
I look down at my knees. There’s a loose thread on the seam of the left leg of my jeans. I feel my breath shallow and quick in my throat.
It won’t be the first time I’ve told. But the other time –
She didn’t believe you because it was your own fault. You made it happen. You liked it.
Esther’s hands cup my elbows. It’s like she’s holding me together. All I have to do is open my mouth and say the words.
But if I do, everything will fall apart.
Don’t you dare!
Shut up. You’re dead.
You need to let people in.
I can’t fall apart.
A clock on the wall strikes eight. When I finally say something it’s so quiet and scrambled that Esther looks at me quizzically.
‘Luke?’
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