Dear Sir,
I am beginning to think that cyber is not fair. While on one hand I do like to hear about how hard your raging, chiseled hard cock is (I really do!), at the same time it makes me frustrated because I would really like a real one.
And the haunting thing—I hear your voice replayed in my head and think about you all the time, and I’m not sure how that is good. How can that possibly be good?
~Sophie
The minute I hit SEND, I wished I hadn’t. I sounded more like a petulant child than a grown woman, one who knowingly signed up for a sexual BDSM boot camp of sorts with absolutely no strings attached whatsoever. I was behaving selfishly and immaturely. Here I was, well into my training, and I wanted to change the rules. I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted him to do, but more and more the cyber relationship didn’t fulfill me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
The rest of the morning I tried to read, but I was too distracted checking my inbox to get very far. Finally I shut down the computer and took Felix for a walk as a distraction. I even went and picked up my favorite lunch to stay out of the house longer, but when I got back I received his reply.
Sophie,
My voice is real, my passion and lust for you is real. The memories are real. Memories are the single most dearest part of my very soul. My memories are mine and belong to no one else; they can’t be shaped, altered, ever be shared completely or taken away. I cling to them like precious gems hidden away, buried in darkness until I choose to sit and peruse them in my mind’s eye whenever I want. I can hold them, nurture and cherish them, and they will never disappear or betray me. They can conjure up a tremendous emotion of pure joy and pure sorrow, and add immeasurable value to my existence. I love experiencing life, if for no other reason but to look forward to collecting memories.
MC
Reading his words, my throat closed, and I swallowed hard. This was a different side of my Dom—a sensitive side. I wanted to reach out and touch him all the more, but instead I had to rely on our usual form of communication.
Dear Sir,
That was extraordinarily beautiful. It actually brought tears to my eyes, it was so lovely. You bring a certain dignity and a treasured quality to these memories with your words that I wouldn’t have thought to attribute to them.
You must possess a rich internal life. I myself am more externally focused, and I love experiencing life if for no other reason than to see how different people are, and how interesting life is. People fascinate me. Especially quirky, talented, or eccentric ones. Oh, and the weather. I’m fascinated by weather.
~Sophie
Sophie,
I’m touched that I “moved” you. I rarely share this side of myself because most people can’t internalize how powerful memories are, and it goes unappreciated.
A rich internal life. That may be. I think of myself more as quietly confident. I am very comfortable in my own skin. I like where I’ve been, where I am now, and where I’m going. I work hard at keeping things very simple in my life… I never surround myself with decadence or lavish goods, although I appreciate quality. I don’t give a damn about “keepin’ up with the Joneses,” nor do I care if the Joneses believe I’m behind in the race.
I hate small talk, and boring individuals who only want to talk about themselves. I am fascinated by people from all walks of life, all creeds, colors, and races and thoroughly enjoy exploring their family background and culture.
I do not dwell on my memories as that would be counterproductive, but rather I keep them in my pocket, readily available for “me time.”
We might be surprised at how much common ground we share based on working with children. I spend a good amount of time mentoring young people in my area in the realm of music. Children are very special, and they need our nurturing, guidance, and love. I’m a huge advocate of helping them build their own library of memories.
I’ve gone on way too long a tangent, and am now becoming one of those people I hate by talking too much about myself. I fear, perhaps, becoming too personal to keep my edge as a Dom.
Okay, the secrets out… I’m a person too.
Switching gears, what’s this about the weather? Also, I truly hope you are enjoying your training and its impact is having a positive influence.
Stay a good girl.
MC
Sir,
About the weather—I’m just fascinated by it. I love to watch those shows on cable, like Nature Unleashed and Wild and Wicked Weather. I hate that it harms people, but I’m obsessed with watching the extreme power of nature and what it can do.
I’m glad that you said that about memories, because not only was it beautiful, but it also gave me a new perspective. I like the idea of spending more time and energy cultivating my memories and enriching my internal life. See? There you go, making me grow in a whole new area. You’re good, you know that?
I’m with you on the Joneses. I was raised to be obsessed with what people think, where people judge you by how much you have or who you are, but I subscribe to that way of thinking less and less all the time. None of what you’ve told me affects how you are as a Dom to me, the edge you have. Because when you start with all that mean stuff—believe me—my mind forgets everything else! I am just transported.
Not gonna lie. I do love the training.
~Sophie
Sophie,
You asking those questions made me think it’s time for me to check in on your thoughts and feelings as to how the training is going. What are some of the positives you’re taking from this experience? The negatives?
Do tell.
MC
Hmm. I thought long and hard about how to answer these questions. I wanted to be honest and transparent, but I didn’t want to sound like a complainer. I decided on this:
Sir,
Some of the positives are that I am learning about myself, my likes and dislikes. Also, I am exploring my sexuality in an empowered way. When I was younger I was somewhat shy, sexually. It was important to me to be a good girl, to do what was expected of me. So this experience permits me to express my true wants and desires, and I’m becoming comfortable with that—it’s an incredible feeling.
Another positive is that I just enjoy the experiences. Especially the phone sessions, because I like hearing your voice. That makes it more “real,” more meaningful, and less solo. After the sexless marriage I had for years, I’ve had it with solo playing. Blech. I realize now that I am a passionate woman who is ready for a real, live man. (The biggest negative about cyber play. lol.)
But I am reticent to discuss the negatives. I don’t want to spoil the good…
~Sophie
Sophie,
Probably a wise choice, not discussing the negatives and concentrating solely on the positives. As long as you are learning and exposing yourself to new and refreshing concepts, it will stay a healthy experience. My only hope is that you grow and find the true sense of freedom that allows yourself to be taken with lust and passion into a whole new realm of your sexuality.
MC
I sat back and reread his message. Did he just want to ignore the negative I did mention? The big, fat, glaring one that had been bugging me so much recently. I wanted a live man. A real one who could put his arms around me, hold me at the end of a bad day, kiss me goodbye on his way to work…
Hitting reply, I typed: Oh dear. I was going to tell you that we could talk about the negatives, but that I would rather do that over chat sometime. They are not really about training itself, more about how the training is affecting my life.
Then I pressed the backspace key and deleted it. If I turned into too much of a whiner I might ruin things with him altogether. But I was starting to truly crave a real life experience, and I wondered how to find someone who was willing to give me that.
The biggest problem was that just anyone wouldn’t do. As crazy as I knew it was—I wanted MC. With a sigh, I closed the computer, as a voice in the back of my head reminded me I cou
ldn’t continue the way things were.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
As summer wore on, MC’s training continued to be a mainstay of my life, and some tasks went over better than others. Gone were the days when everything he did made my heart race. As I’d gotten used to him, I learned that I wasn’t compatible with all of his training ideas. But I had to hand it to him, he was nothing if not creative with his use of common household items for sexual purposes.
But even as I praised MC for his innovative designs and creative ideas, I told him, again and again, how much I’d prefer fucking a real man. Maybe I sounded like a broken record, but I hoped one day he would hear me. I guess I wanted him to offer to meet me in real life. I doubted he ever would, but I was starting to be afraid that was the only thing that would truly satisfy me. The idea of asking him outright scared me. I didn’t think I could take the rejection if he said no.
Was it crazy to be in love with a man I’d never seen? A man I knew almost nothing about? I thought so, but it had happened to me. It felt like I’d become addicted to MC. And like building up a tolerance for a drug, I needed more and more from him to get the same high.
It seemed I wasn’t the only one thinking about reevaluating training, because MC sent me this:
TRAINING REVISITED
I want you to review your training to this point in time.
1.) What have you learned so far?
2.) What part of training do you crave the most?
3.) Do you feel you need the pain as part of training, and why?
4.) Do you relish being verbally abused, and why?
5.) How much does bondage play a part in your need to be trained, and why?
6.) Where do orgasms rank in the training process, and why?
7.) How important is being a plaything, a trinket to be used, and why?
You have twenty-four hours to complete this task or face a full punishment session.
Agreed?
MC
I agreed and started answering his questions right away. I told him I’d learned how to be a good plaything and how to obey, even though it doesn’t come easily to me. I told him I’d learned where pain fits in for me, which was one of the most important things I’d wanted to find out. I’d discovered that pain is an important adjunct to the control as well as the pleasure. For me, it amps up the intensity in both those areas, but I didn’t enjoy the pain for pain's sake. But by itself, the main importance for pain was when it was used as a punishment to remind me who is in charge.
The rest of my answers talked about how much I craved tasks that required me to obey, and how much I needed having someone lead me and control me. I relished being verbally abused because it draws me in with how forbidden it is, and it’s also objectifying, which is a huge turn on for me.
Psychologically, I loved the helplessness of bondage, but I also loved the concept that someone else was doing something to you, so you could be the receiver, in some ways the passive partner… that pushed lots of my hot buttons, but unfortunately, the most enticing aspects of bondage were unavailable. That was some of why I felt the benefits of my training were limited.
As for orgasms? Hell yeah, I wanted orgasms. That was an essential part of the training for me, because in my mind, BDSM was about sex. But I wanted a partner to have an orgasm with. That seemed like a good goal.
One night after steaming up the phone lines with a sexy play session, I mustered up my courage to begin the conversation I knew we needed to have. “Have you ever done a live session?”
“Of course.”
“You have?”
“Yes.”
“Do you do them often?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
He sighed. “Right now because I don’t have a local sub.”
“Oh.” I wanted to ask him if he would do a live session with me, but I was petrified he’d say no.
“Why do you ask?”
“I don’t know.” I stalled, embarrassed to admit how strong my need for a real man had gotten. “Sometimes I want to try this stuff out with a real person, not just a voice on the other end of the phone. Okay, not sometimes. All the time.” I heard the emotion creeping into my voice, but I prayed he didn’t.
“We could always do a cam session…”
I exhaled loudly and brushed aside a tear. “It’s not the same. There’s something missing. The touch of another person. I miss feeling the weight of a man on top of me, the whole ‘real life’ experience.”
“I understand,” he said, but I wasn’t at all sure he did.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“Do you think it’s a summer fling?” Shelby asked, then bit down on a colorful bite of salad. She’d invited me for lunch at the Country Club to celebrate the fact that I’d received finalized divorce papers in the mail, and I was happy to accept. That was definitely an occasion for celebration, and I needed someone to talk with about my situation with MC.
I shrugged. “Possibly, but it’s only online.” Peering around to be sure no one was listening to me, I lowered my voice. “Actually, it’s rather kinky.”
This got Shelby’s attention. “Tell me more. When are you going to get together with him? Have you even seen him?”
I took a sip of my iced tea then mumbled, “We don’t really have plans for that.”
Shelby set down her fork. “Wait, what?”
“It’s purely an online kind of thing. They call it cyber-training.”
She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. That must just mean he’s too ugly for words. Honey, you’re screwing around with the Elephant Man. Or a serial killer or something. A guy like that—he’s got something to hide.”
“Now hold on a minute. We don’t know that. He wanted to do things on camera. I was the one who said no to that.”
“Why’d you do that?”
“Because then there could be video of me doing kinky things—naked—all over the internet!”
Shelby bit her lip. “Good point.”
“So it doesn’t mean he’s the Elephant Man. It’s not like he was afraid for me to see him. In fact, he begged to do things over a webcam.” I might have exaggerated a tad when I said that.
“Maybe, but I’m not convinced. There’s something creepy going on here. Most men would die to get in a woman’s pants, especially one as cute as you.”
“He doesn’t know what I look like.”
“Huh. Has he ever asked?”
“Nope.”
“Have you asked what he looks like?”
“No.”
“You guys are weird. Maybe you’re a perfect match.” She giggled, and it was my turn to roll my eyes.
“I can’t help it though. I’m completely infatuated with him.”
“Sounds like it. You know, they did a study that found that the hormones a woman’s body releases after she has sex makes her fall in love with the guy she just banged. I’ll bet that’s what happened to you.”
“Where’d you hear that?”
She shrugged. “I get around. Listen, it’s not like you seem happy with this. I can tell you’re not.”
I sighed. “No, I’m not,” I said, picking up my fork to stab a bite of chicken salad.
“Tell him then. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him you meet in person, or you’ll end it.”
How very Shelby-like to recommend a power play. “That’s not how it works, Shelby. I’m the submissive one in the relationship.”
“And how’s that working for you?” she asked, crunching on a crouton.
“Not so well, I guess.” I wanted to throw my napkin at her, but it wasn’t her fault. Maybe it was time for me to take some responsibility for my own needs and ask for what I want. “But what if he says no?”
“Then it wasn’t meant to be. In your mind, how do you see this ending anyway?”
Suddenly I lost my appetite. That was the question I’d been trying to avoid for weeks. “I’m not sure.”
“Well, you might want to figure it out. Loo
k, you’ve finally gotten rid of that philandering husband of yours. I understand that you need to sow some wild oats, play the field, and all that. Believe me—I get it. But you should do them with a real guy, get it out of your system.”
“I don’t think this guy wants more. He’s happy the way things are.”
“Then you need to find someone else.”
“You’re probably right.”
Shelby flagged the waiter to bring her another glass of wine. “Oh, honey, I’m always right,” she said with a sugary smile.
Later that evening, I was surprised to get a phone call from MC. In the past, the only other time he’d contacted me by phone was that day he texted me while I was at dinner with my parents. Other than that one time, we always communicated via internet to set up a phone conversation. I assumed that was his way of us keeping our boundaries clear, and I followed his lead. It would have never occurred to me to simply call him out of the blue, so I was thrown by his impromptu call.
“Hello? Sir?”
“Yes, it’s me. Hello, Sophie. I’m sorry to have disturbed you. This won’t take long.”
“Okaaaay.”
“I’ve been thinking about your wanting to have a live session.”
“You have?” He was full of surprises.
“Yes, where in the Central Time Zone do you live?” My heart began to soar, and I tried to hold back from getting excited.
“Texas, why?”
“How would you feel if I flew to where you are, and we spent some time together? Had a session in person?”
“Are you serious?”
“I am. What would work best for you?”
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