by Sara Alva
Seb darted off the path and into a shop selling figurines made of old car parts, and I rushed to follow. His delicate fingers floated over the shelves as he studied each creation.
Such nice fingers. The way they twitched when they fell back to his side almost made it seem like they were just…itching to be held.
Do it, a voice said.
But what about my promise to Suzie?
How is holding hands breaking that promise?
It wasn’t, of course. It didn’t have to mean anything. And Seb liked holding my hand. If I ever wanted to do it, Venice Beach seemed like the place.
He tilted his head to the side, observing a rusty metallic Wall-E. My pulse raced as I drew closer to him.
The Alex I’d once been would never have considered this. And not just because it wasn’t safe. I’d had a reputation to maintain, and handholding didn’t really fit in with the whole ready-to-kick-ass image.
But I wasn’t that person anymore. I wasn’t sure who I was now, but I wasn’t him.
The backs of our hands touched, and I gradually slid my fingers around to lace them with his.
He didn’t look over.
“Just so I can keep track of you,” I said quietly. “This way, the next time you decided to run off, I’ll be coming along for the ride.”
He gently pulled me back into the sunshine, and a vein in my neck started to pulse. I kept my head still, but my eyes continued to scan our surroundings restlessly.
A family of Asian tourists stepped around us. A man walking a beagle passed to my right. A few children stopped to point at a nearby seagull stealing popcorn. None of them noticed our hands.
Slowly, I turned my focus away from the crowds and toward the feel of Seb’s fingers wrapped neatly around mine. Touching him like this in broad daylight was completely…mind-blowing. In a way it was like the highs I used to get from drugs—it even had that slight undercurrent of guilt beneath the floating pleasure. Some small part of me must’ve felt I was crossing a line best left uncrossed, but the rest of my heart was completely sold.
Strange, how one tiny point of contact with Seb could make me so happy.
We continued down the sidewalk, stopping to browse the vendor tables so that Seb could see and feel everything. Occasionally he’d tear away from my hand, but after satisfying his curiosity he always returned and thrust his fingers back into mine. I thought maybe I saw a few pairs of eyes narrowing on us with disapproval, but I didn’t know who the hell those people were, and I was pretty practiced at giving my own looks—looks that said mess with me and you’ll fucking regret it. I hadn’t had an opportunity to give those in a while, and I’d actually kind of missed it.
My own stomach was starting to demand something a little more substantial than fruit as we reached the end of Venice Beach, just at the point where the Santa Monica Ferris wheel could be seen in the distance.
Seb peeled off again and I followed him to a rickety table selling rocks and minerals, run by a redhead with matted dreads. She stood by patiently as Seb lifted and examined each stone.
“Seb,” I said gently. “Don’t pick stuff up. If you break it we’ll get in trouble.”
“Oh, no,” the woman interrupted. “It’s important for you to touch and feel the energy of the rocks. He can go right ahead.”
I raised an eyebrow at the odd comment and looked her over. She had on layers of cloth dresses and an old-fashioned military jacket, and behind the table there was a large camping backpack with several blankets and a sleeping bag attached.
“Your boyfriend seems most interested in the turquoise,” she pointed out as he lifted a blue stone. “Certain cultures consider it a stone of communication—it opens the channels so that love can flow more freely. It can do wonders for a relationship.”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I responded immediately, but there wasn’t the right amount of defensiveness in my tone. Just longing, actually.
“You I picture more as a red jasper man.”
And you I picture as a freak who’s smoked one blunt too many.
I turned to Seb and whispered in his ear. “I’ll buy you something when we have more money, okay? But we can’t really waste what we have right now.”
He put the stone down.
The lady didn’t seem all that disappointed by the loss of her potential sale. “Come back some time—I’m pretty much always here. If I get a hold of any red jasper, I’ll save it for you.”
“Yeah, whatever.” I put a hand on Seb’s shoulder to lead him away, but stopped when an idea struck me. “Hey, are you homeless?”
She pushed a dreadlock off her shoulder. “I choose not to live by social norms in a four-walled structure at the moment. I commune much better with my inner spirit when I am free of those restraints.”
“And when you’re free of bills you can’t pay,” I added. She scowled.
“If you’re here to pester me, you can beat it, kid. I might be homeless, but I have plenty of friends here and some of them would be willing to escort you away by force. Or I could just call the cops.”
I grinned at how quickly her whole mystical mumbo-jumbo attitude had disappeared. “Nah. Actually, I just had some questions…like where do you stay around here?”
Her eyes narrowed on my backpack and wrinkled clothes. “You guys runaways or something?”
I didn’t answer.
She sighed. “My suggestion for you would be to find some place away from the beach itself, and somewhere you can’t be seen from the main road. Maybe a vacant storefront—there’s a few of those up Lincoln. They usually have big planters and stuff you can set up behind. Stay out of the cop’s way, ’cause you guys are minors and they’ll probably pick you up in a heartbeat. Oh, and you’ll need blankets. There’s an army surplus store a couple blocks north. Get some of those green flannel ones.”
I was still in the sunshine, and there was only a slight ocean breeze, so there was no explaining the chill her words gave me. In just a few short hours, Seb and I would be facing our first night out on the streets.
“Well…uh, where are you going to go?”
I hadn’t meant to sound so pathetic, as though I was willing to follow this woman I’d just met like a lost little puppy. I just wanted a more concrete plan of action.
“Listen, hon, you should probably go home. He looks a little delicate and sleeping out here…isn’t always as fun as it seems.”
“We don’t have a home.”
She shook her head sadly. “I guess good luck, then. And hey, at least you have each other.”
“Yeah.” I nodded. And she was right. Things weren’t that bad, because I still had Seb.
I grabbed his hand. “C’mon. Let’s get going, maybe try to find a place like she said. And I’m gonna take you out for the best dinner a dollar can buy, just as soon as we find a McDonalds.”
He smiled.
~*~
The sun set and a starless night replaced it, but we kept walking up Lincoln Boulevard. I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for, but at least looking gave me something to do. Pretty soon, though, we’d have to set up camp, or risk drawing attention from the cops.
“How ’bout here?” I pointed to a strip mall with a For Lease sign. Three large columns held up a covered walkway, and some bushes also blocked the view. “Seems like we could hide around there and be out of sight.”
He nodded and we jumped over the chain blocking the empty parking lot. I pulled out the blankets we’d bought to set on the ground behind a column. “All right then…let’s get…uh, comfortable.”
The makeshift beds didn’t offer much promise of that, but Seb plopped straight into his, tucking the covers around himself.
I followed more slowly and leaned my head back against a concrete wall. “Tomorrow maybe we’ll see about a hostel or something. Although that lady was right—we’ll have a problem ’cause we look under eighteen. We should think about getting fake IDs.”
Seb yawned.
“
If you get cold or anything, you can get…closer.”
I tried to scoot nearer to him and winced. “Damn, I really gotta take a piss. Shouldn’t have had so many free refills.” Standing, I peered around in search of a place to relieve myself. “Guess I’ll go down an alley or something.”
A sudden noise caught my attention, and I turned to see a group of girls in leotards exiting the building to my left. I’d thought it was just an office space, but now I could make out a small plastic banner on the side—Diana’s Dance Academy.
“Hey.” I tapped Seb’s shoulder. “You wanna check out this place over here? Maybe they have a bathroom.”
Seb got up, taking our blankets with him and shoving them into the backpack.
“Cool. Wasn’t really tired, anyways. It’s too early for bed.”
We waited until the dancers had scattered and then snuck up to the studio. After climbing the stairs, I could see the space actually was an office building, converted into rooms for different dance classes. The first door was closed and locked, but the second had mirrors and a ballet bar. The third I stopped and stared at for a while, because while it had the mirrors and the ballet bar, it also had a deep couch with silk pillows along the back wall, and stripper poles dotting the floor. A lady in a crop top and leggings was gathering up CDs and resetting audio equipment in the corner.
“Huh,” I whispered to Seb, “I never thought of strippers having to learn how to dance, but I guess it makes sense.”
Someone left the ballet studio and closed the door firmly before exiting the building. I had a feeling that room was now locked.
Seb pointed to a restroom at the end of the hallway and we hurried in so I could finally empty my bladder. He sat up on the sink counter to wait, and for some reason I turned away from him shyly, trying to keep my body from his view.
“So, I got an idea.” I started babbling to cover my nerves. “I mean, it’s sorta a long shot…and maybe a little old school…but what if we like sneak back to that room and shove something in the door? Y’know, to stop it from locking. Then we can hide out in here and wait till everyone leaves…and we won’t have to sleep outdoors.”
I shook myself dry and zipped up. “You in?”
He reached over to grab a paper towel, then crumpled it into a ball.
“Perfect.”
The woman wasn’t in the room anymore when I returned, but the door was still open. As quickly as I could, I walked by and shoved the wad of paper towel into the lock. Then I scrambled back to the restroom.
“C’mon. Into the stall.” I pulled Seb in and helped him step onto the toilet seat with me. “I’m not sure how long we should wait…maybe half an hour? Looked like all the classes were ending. I doubt they’d be starting any new ones this late.”
We sat on the tank, though it was a tight squeeze. I had to put my arm around him to keep my balance.
“Sorry, I know it’ll be boring waiting…and this isn’t exactly comfortable. But we probably shouldn’t talk too much, just in case anyone walks in and hears us.”
One of Seb’s brows popped up, and I burst into a fit of giggles that I muffled in his shoulder. “All right, all right.” I fought off the laughter. “I’ll shut up then.”
The lights must’ve been on a motion sensor, because they went off after a few minutes. I really wished I could’ve passed the time by talking, because in the dark there was nothing to do but listen to the sounds of Seb’s breathing and feel the motion of his chest rising and falling alongside mine.
Even in complete darkness he could turn me on.
I actually shook my head to wipe the thought from my mind. I’d promised Suzie, and I wasn’t scum. I might’ve made a lot of shit decisions in my life, but nothing like that.
The tiny strip of light from under the bathroom door eventually winked off, and I couldn’t hear any more sounds in the hallway. After waiting another five minutes, I signaled for Seb to follow, and we tiptoed out.
The building appeared empty. We returned to the stripper studio, where I paused to whisper a brief prayer before turning the door handle.
It opened.
“Fuck yeah! We did it!”
Hazy purple light shone in through a wall of windows and lit up Seb’s smile.
“Get ready to sleep in style. Nice bed, silk pillows…we fucking hit the jackpot.”
I climbed onto the couch and tucked a pillow behind my head. “Perfect.”
The only negative I could think of was that it was a little cool in the room…which meant it was a lot cooler outside, where we’d been planning on sleeping. That wasn’t a good thought, but at least we didn’t have to worry about it for tonight.
Seb crawled up next to me, bringing the blankets and draping them over both our bodies.
“Oh…yeah. It’s a little chilly. I guess that’s a good idea.”
But it wasn’t, really. He curled in close, his thighs brushing against mine. And he was still smiling. Shadows and light crisscrossed his face, accenting the sharp angle of his cheekbones and the slant of his almond eyes.
I tried to scoot away, but I was already against the back of the couch. Seb pressed in closer anyhow, throwing an arm around me.
It seemed like the most comfortable way to sleep, so I did the same to him, resting my hand on his hipbone. But I knew it was a mistake as soon as my fingers landed on smooth skin—his shirt had ridden up and his pants were sagging.
Seb stuck out his tongue and wet his bottom lip. It did look a little dry, with a slight crack running through the pale pink flesh.
Fuck. It was also a bad idea to focus on his mouth.
“Hey, you know what?” I moved my hand up to his shoulder and gave him what I hoped was a friendly pat on the back. “I think…I think that besides the morning part, this has been the best day of my life. I probably should’ve come here right away, instead of dragging you through my past like that.”
He took a deep breath and let it out. The warm air hit my lips.
“Well…um, goodnight, I guess. I wish we had an alarm or something to wake us up, but hopefully the light’ll get us.”
Lowering his lids only halfway, Seb pushed closer to me still. The hipbone I’d managed to drag my hand away from was now pressing into my upper thigh.
Blood rushed to my face and to somewhere further south. Can’t can’t can’t can’t rang out in my head like an alarm, but my body wasn’t listening.
What was it I did to get myself out of these situations? A…B…C…D…E…Fuck, that was never going to work.
I wanted him. No two ways about it. Wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anyone in my life. I liked to pretend I was taking care of Seb for all the right reasons, but at the most basic level I was just a horny teenager, coming up with an excuse to be close to the person whose body I craved.
Maybe I was scum.
But why was he pressing in so close to me? Why was he still looking into my eyes so deeply from beneath his lashes? Why did he hold my hand and wrap his arms around me and act like he was happier with me than he’d ever been before?
I would never really know. All his secrets were locked inside with no way out…I’d never be able to tell how he felt.
How he felt.
A seed of an idea planted itself in my head. An idea that needed to be squashed, but the more Seb’s lashes fluttered in front of me, the more it grew.
If I could just feel him…see if his body burned the same way mine did…if he had the same urgent need in his groin…
Suzie would kill me. I should kill me. But what if this put the question to rest, once and for all?
I closed my eyes. Not to stop myself, but to make the moment less real. My hand traveled his body slowly, from his shoulder back down to his hipbone.
Don’t. You can’t. You promised. He’s just a kid. A special kid.
But he’s smarter than he pretends to be. He understands the things I say to him. There’s more to him than he lets on.
The debate with myself cont
inued to rage as my fingers reached the waistband of his pants. I didn’t even have to unbutton or unzip…there was enough space for my hand to slip right in there.
Mere inches separated me from an answer.
If I thought I’d go to hell for jacking off to the sight of his body, this would surely earn me a spot in its most fiery depths.
I slid my fingers further south, brushing against his lower abs and the fine hair of his happy trail, then under the band of his boxers and down, down, down, until I reached…something completely unfamiliar.
Seb was uncircumcised.
The surprise caused me to pull my hand away quickly, and my eyes flew open. This close to him, there was no way I could avoid seeing the look of pure confusion on his face.
Of course he was confused. The person he’d trusted to care for him had just fucking molested him.
I’d never lost an erection so fast, and the heat of arousal I’d felt earlier rushed to my eyes. I couldn’t keep looking at Seb’s face, so in a way I was almost thankful for the blur of tears.
“Sh-shit. Shit. Fuck.”
I’d broken my promise to Suzie. Broken my promise to myself.
“Seb…I’m s-sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
The tears spilled out, hot and fast. Seb shifted to grab both my shoulders, and now he looked even more confused, his brow knit together and his mouth pressed into a thin, hard line.
It all hit me then. With my defenses down, every little thing I’d managed to tuck away or deny in the past several months came crashing to the front of my mind like the ocean waves, one after another and with no end in sight.
I’d been abandoned. I’d caused a fire. I’d run away. I’d taken Seb from a safe place. I’d turned my sister in to Social Services. I was out on the streets with someone who was depending on me and I really had no fucking clue what the hell I was doing. I’d touched him.
And I was so fucking sorry.
“I’m s-sorry. I’m sorry.”
Sorry. Sorry to Seb, Sorry to Suzie. Sorry to Mimi and to Star. Sorry to Greg and Eleanor and Ms. Loretta and Ms. Cecily and Brandon and Laloni and my mom and any other person I’d ever let down in my fucking excuse for a life.