“I just think it’s better if we keep to our original deal. I’ll be there for you. And for our kids. Always.”
Just not for you.
That was what her eyes accused him of, and he couldn’t look at her. Call him a coward. Call him a jerk. Call him an idiot. This was Kait Cooper in front of him. Any other man would give his right leg to be with her. But he just couldn’t say the words, the words she wanted to hear.
“So I guess I’ll see you at the birth, then?”
There was a tinge of anger to her words. He didn’t blame her. He’d let her think they were headed in a different direction only to pull back at the last moment.
“I’ll be there for the birth and for all your doctor’s appointments. Text me the dates.”
She stared up at him, her chin quivering. She held on to her tears by the barest of threads, he could see that, and it made him sick all over again. He’d hurt her.
“Kait...” He took a step toward her.
She pulled back. “I’ll see you later, then, Shane.” Her voice sounded strange. “Thanks for marrying me.”
I wish you could have loved me, too.
He could see the words in her eyes, and for the first time, he felt close to tears, too.
“Kait...”
She turned and walked away.
Chapter Twenty-One
She cried the whole way home. Their pilot, Chuck, looked bewildered when they landed hours later. He’d probably spotted her tear-swollen eyes and red nose.
“Are you okay?”
“Fine,” she lied.
Shane didn’t love her.
She’d had no idea how hard that would hit her until the moment he’d stared down at her and told her how he’d be there for her.
The jerk.
That was the problem. She vacillated between anger and outrage and bitter, awful sadness. But the anger wasn’t just about Shane. She was mad at herself, too. She’d been the one to go chasing after him. To confront him in California. She should have just kept her emotions to herself.
Chuck must have tipped off her mom, because Kait spotted her mom’s familiar red Mustang out in front of her home. She almost turned around. She didn’t need to cry anymore, but she knew she’d take one look at her mother’s face and she’d break down again.
She was right.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
That was what she kept calling herself as she stood out in her driveway, protected by her mom’s loving arms. How could she have blundered things so badly? Pregnant. Married. Unlovable.
“Shush,” her mom said. “You are not unlovable.”
She hadn’t even realized she’d spoken the words out loud. Her mom had drawn back, a look of admonishment on her face. They sun had begun to set, the surface of the water off the back of her house a brilliant, iridescent gold.
“I just don’t understand what I did wrong.”
“You did nothing wrong.” Her mom shook her shoulders a bit. “Well, aside from getting pregnant and marrying a perfect stranger and then moving in with that man before you had a chance to know who he was.”
She wouldn’t have thought it was possible, but she actually smiled at her mom’s words. “Oh, is that all?” She wiped at her tears with the palm of her hand.
Her mom smiled, too. “Honey, the odds were against you from the start.” The smile turned tender. She swiped a lock of Kait’s hair back, just like she’d been doing since she was a little girl. “You more than anyone should know what it’s like to start out as an underdog. It’s not your fault things didn’t work out. It just wasn’t meant to be.”
But it’d felt like it should have been meant to be. Looking back on it, she wondered if she’d fallen in love with Shane at first sight. She’d never done what she’d done with him with another man. Never taken one look at a man’s dark, handsome looks and fallen...hard.
“I’m going to be a single mom.”
“No.” Sarah tipped her nose down so they were inches apart. “You have us. You have your racing family, too. You’ll even have Shane. The man doesn’t strike me as they type to shirk his responsibilities. He’ll be there for you and the kids.”
He would be. She knew that, and her eyes filled with tears again. “But seeing him, Mom. Knowing he doesn’t want to be with me that way. I don’t know if I’ll be able to bear it.”
“You’ll bear it just fine.” Kait found herself pulled forward again, into her mom’s arms. “You’re one of the strongest women I know, Kait. I’ve watched you do things over the years that have left me in awe. I sometimes wonder, where does she get it from? How did your dad and I make someone so amazing and wonderful and unique? I have no doubt you’ll be just as amazing a mother as you are a person and a race-car driver. Single or no. With Shane or without. You’ll do fine. I have no doubt at all.”
The words had her wiping away tears. If her mom thought she was amazing, that was nothing compared to how Kait felt about Sarah Cooper.
“I hope I’ll raise my kids just like you did.”
The hug grew tighter. “You will.”
Just without Shane. Without a husband. It broke her heart.
* * *
TRUE TO HIS WORD, he was there for her next doctor’s appointment. He’d said he’d meet them there, and he did, but there’d been a part of Kait that wished he had reneged on his offer.
“It’s okay,” said her mom, reaching for her hand as they watched Shane approach, all dark and dangerous cowboy in his black hat and black jeans and black sideburns. Every female eye in the doctor’s office followed his progress. Kait just felt sick.
“Hey there,” he said, coming up to her side. “Mrs. Cooper.” He smiled and nodded at her mom.
“Shane,” her mom said, a wheelbarrow full of disappointment and sadness and anger in that one word.
Shane heard it. His polite smile faltered.
“How’s your dad?” Kait asked as he took a seat next to her.
“Fine, fine.” He picked up a magazine. She felt his presence next to her like she would a bear at an exhibit at a zoo.
She was never more grateful than when a nurse called, “Mrs. Gillian?” The last thing Kait wanted was to sign autographs this morning.
“You want me to go with you?” asked her mom.
“No, that’s okay.” They hadn’t been sure Shane would show up, but now that he was here...
“Right this way,” the nurse said. Kait could tell the woman tried to ignore Shane’s presence, but she kept sneaking glances at him.
“You look sort of familiar,” she said, but she wasn’t looking at Kait with her big blue eyes. Oh, no. When she opened the door of a room, she stared at Shane, who shook his head.
“Really?” he said. “Don’t think we’ve met.”
“You’re from California,” the nurse said, pointing at Kait to take a seat on the paper-covered exam table. “I recognize your accent.”
“You’re the one with an accent,” he joked. “And I am from California. Via Del Caballo, actually.”
The woman seemed puzzled. Okay, Kait would admit it. She was beautiful with her dyed black hair and fake eyelashes. They had to be fake. They were just too thick to be natural.
“Do you work for a race team?”
If she weren’t so heartbroken Kait would have laughed. Shane couldn’t seem to take his eyes off the nurse. It stung. There was no comforting hand on her shoulder. No silent stare of reassurance. It was as if she didn’t exist. She had to clench her hands to keep the emotion from her eyes.
“Nope.”
The nurse had gone to a cabinet. She handed Kait a paper robe. “Change into this,” she said without glancing at her. She still stared at Shane. “I’ll be back in a second to take your pulse and blood pressure.”
She left with one last long stare, and Kait could only s
hake her head. The woman had to know Shane was the father of her babies. Or maybe not, because she noticed then that Shane didn’t wear his wedding ring.
She gulped, took a deep breath.
Okay, enough, she told herself. He’s here. He’s doing his duty. That’s all that matters.
“I’ll just turn my back,” he said.
“Thanks,” she answered, but the word sounded choked out even to her own ears.
She felt self-conscious, though, as she changed. Stupid thing to feel, given the circumstances.
Someone knocked. She heard the nurse say, “You ready?” but she didn’t even wait for an answer, just opened the door.
“All right, then.” She scanned the chart, but only after she looked at Shane again. “You’re five months along. Ooo. How exciting.” For the first time, their eyes met. “You’ll find out the sex of your babies today.”
She looked down at Kait’s chart again. But then the woman straightened, her eyes having caught on a piece of paper in there, and Kait thought for sure she’d finally recognized her.
“You’re Shane Gillian,” the woman said. “That’s why you look so familiar.” She very nearly pointed. “I watched you at the NFR last year. I mean, like. I was there. In Las Vegas.”
From nowhere came the urge to laugh. Here she was, one of Charlotte, North Carolina’s, most famous faces, and who had been recognized?
“I’m a huge fan of bull riding, Mr. Gillian. Wait.” She turned toward Kait. “If he’s Shane that means that you’re...”
The woman stared between the two of them. “Wow. I read about you two in Celebrity Now!”
Celebrity Now? They’d been featured in that trashy rag?
“Some power sports couple thing. But wow. Here you are in front of me. I can’t believe it.”
It was as if someone had pulled the plug on Kait’s temper. She wanted to laugh. It was all so surreal. Shane being here with her. A nurse who was a big fan of his. The whole crazy situation of being married to him, but not really.
The nurse, whose name was Marion, wrapped the blood-pressure cuff around her arm, chattering the whole time. Occasionally Kait would be forced to respond, but Marion directed most of her comments at Shane.
“Everything looks good,” Marion said with a smile that reached her blue eyes. “The ultrasound technician will be here in a second, so I have to ask. Do you want to know the sex of your babies?”
Was that how Shane had felt back in California? Kait wondered. When fans had surrounded her and wanted her attention? Did he feel the same spurt of jealousy that she had just felt?
“Kait?” Shane asked.
“Yes,” she heard herself say. “I’d like to know.”
Shane nodded, a slight smile playing with his lips. “I’d like to know, too.”
“Terrific.” The nurse wrote something down in her chart. “Tara will be here in just a second.”
And they were alone.
“If you’d rather not find out...” Shane said.
“No, no.” She took a deep breath. For some reason she felt like she’d been given a clue to an important piece of a puzzle, but damned if she knew what it was. “I want to know.”
They didn’t have any more time to discuss it because an older woman came in with a wide smile on her face. “I hear you want to know the gender of your babies.” Her smile included both of them as she urged Kait to lie back. “How exciting.”
It hit her then. She would always have her babies. Shane might leave her, she might be on her own, but she would always have the two precious lives.
“Okay, here we go.”
The liquid she spread on Kait’s belly was warm, the paper robe she wore crinkling as Tara’s hand moved around. Kait’s heart had started to pound for a whole other reason, her sadness fading into anticipation when Tara grabbed a plastic wand.
“Twins, right?” Tara asked.
“Yes,” Shane answered, and he sounded as tense as she felt.
“Okay. Just so you know, sometimes one twin will block the other which can make it difficult to...” The nurse smiled. “Nope. There’s a good view of one of them right now. And look at that,” she smiled at them both. “A little boy.”
Kait wanted to cry. She wanted to reach for Shane’s hand. He must have read her mind, though, because his fingers clutched her own and it felt so good and so right and so wonderful to be held by him, even if it didn’t really mean anything. She clutched his hand back.
“Okay, let me see if I can get a good view of the... Well, there it is. There’s the other one.” Tara’s smile grew delighted. “A little girl. Fraternal twins. How exciting.”
She was crying. She didn’t know why. When she looked up at Shane, she saw that he was, too.
“Congratulations.” The nurse moved the wand around some more. “And they look great, too. Heart looks great. Bones are all normal. All good signs.”
“Thank you,” Shane said.
“My pleasure. I’ll have your images up front when you check out. The doctor will need to look them over, too. He’ll be in shortly.”
And they were alone.
“A boy and a girl,” Kait said. “My mom’s going to be so excited. She’ll be able to buy things in both sections of the baby store.”
Shane let go of her hand. It was if the temperature in the room had dropped twenty degrees.
“It’s good they’re healthy.”
“Yes, it is.”
He broke her heart all over again. For some reason, sharing that brief moment of intimacy, looking into his eyes and seeing joy, and now...nothing.
“My aunt and sister were wondering if they could throw you a baby shower in California.”
She took a deep breath. Enough. No more moping.
“Actually, my mom and a few of the wives are throwing me one here. But I’ll be sure to send them an invitation, though. They can fly out if they want.”
Shane nodded. “I’ll tell them.”
The doctor came in next, and he went over her chart and what to expect in the coming weeks, and when it was all said and done, they stood in the room alone. Two people responsible for the two tiny lives growing inside her belly...and yet with nothing to say to each other.
“So I’ll see you next month?” he asked.
“Sure.” She nodded. “And I’ll be sure to send your aunt and sister an invite.”
He nodded. She waited.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
“I will.”
He leaned toward her and her heart stopped, but the kiss he placed on her cheek was quick and impersonal. She closed her eyes all the same.
“See you next month.”
He was gone when she opened her eyes, and Kait stared at the spot where he’d been and told herself not to cry. The next visit would be easier. Things would go smoother from here on out. She would get used to seeing him while her heart was breaking inside.
She had to.
Chapter Twenty-Two
What a chump.
That was what he thought the whole way home. It didn’t matter how many times he told himself things were better this way. That they were just two different people with two very different lives and that it would never work out, not in the long run, at least. He’d done the right thing calling the whole thing off.
Yet he couldn’t get her heartbroken, shattered, disappointed eyes out of his mind.
When he arrived in California he almost picked up the phone to call her. Twice. But what purpose would it serve? He’d made his decision. So, as he drove back to the ranch, he kept reciting to himself that he’d done the right thing. His dad would be proud. He’d behaved responsibly.
But for the rest of the week and then into that weekend, it took every ounce of his willpower not to call her. When he won his rodeo that weekend, he wanted t
o call her. When Carson missed roping the heels of his steer, he wanted to call her. When he got home late that night and the stars were so bright he could have sworn he could pluck them from the sky, he wanted to call her.
What the hell was wrong with him?
That next morning, he dreaded the family barbecue. So much so that when he arrived later that afternoon, he hid out on the side of the house. There was a huge oak tree there, one with a picnic bench beneath it. He had a great view of the valley below—of the stables and the vineyard and the arena. And he was all alone.
Or so he thought.
“You went to see her.”
He nearly groaned. Just what he needed. His dad.
“And you came back,” his dad added.
Shane glanced at the table where he sat. It was only then that he realized what he’d been carving in the surface.
S + K.
His dad saw it, too, as he sat down opposite him, and Shane realized his dad had aged in the previous weeks. Heart surgery had finally allowed Father Time to catch up to him. His gray hair seemed to have gotten more gray. The wrinkles on his face were more pronounced. His skin had yet to regain a healthy glow.
“I’m having a son and a daughter, Dad.”
His dad looked off into the distance. It was early evening, the time of day when the sun was so low on the horizon it backlit the grass and the trees, turning the edges of the leaves in vineyard into neon stripes. But his dad didn’t make a comment. Instead, he held his tongue, seeming to be content to sit with Shane in companionable silence, although what he was looking at, Shane didn’t know.
“You want to know what I thought about just before I went into the hospital?”
His dad hadn’t said a whole lot about his surgery other than to express surprise that Shane had decided to stick around. He’d been his typical sarcastic self back then, and Shane had been tempted to make a rude comment back but he hadn’t. He’d stuck by his dad’s side.
“I wondered if I’d worked so hard all my life just to die from a weak heart.”
Rodeo Legends--Shane Page 16