“Maggie.”
It was only a word – just my name. He made it sound special though, like no one could say my name the way he could.
“Yes?”
“Turn around.”
He wasn’t asking. It sounded more like a plea. I had my back to him, washing dishes in his kitchen. He had come up behind me without warning. His scent enveloped me, his energy wrapping around me protectively, his voice low and his breath warm. I turned around. It didn’t even feel like a choice. I had to. I had to see him look at me, to see what it was about him that made me respond this way.
As I faced him completely, my eyes moved up to meet his and I think in that moment, I might have stopped breathing. His eyes looked so filled with – feeling. Dark blue irises swimming in an emotion I didn’t recognize, an emotion that was solely for me. Hands touched my face, eyelids lowered, lips parted. And then… warmth. His mouth brushed against mine timidly, yet firm at the same time. For a moment I was lost to the sensation. His lips covered mine, drawing out the kiss for as long as possible. He moved his body closer, pressing into me, his heat moving through me and then crushing me like a wave. My legs were unsteady, and I was…confused. I didn’t understand what was happening. One minute I was washing dishes, and the next I felt like I was being pulled under by a riptide, spinning and rolling with no sense of up or down.
My feet were no longer touching the floor. I felt myself being pulled up and immediately wrapped my legs around him, surrendering to him, holding on as tightly as I could, feeling as though I would drown if I didn’t. We were on his bed now. I felt the blankets beneath me. I still didn’t want to let go, fearful that I would sink. I felt the weight of his body over mine and his kiss went deeper, consuming me completely. My heart raced uncontrollably, my pulse soared, my breath ragged. And yet, I needed more.
“Maggie, stop me,” he moaned.
I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. He kissed down my neck, pulling on my shirt at the same time.
“Maggie...” Again, my name whispered from his lips, saying it like it was a song, and my name the only lyric.
I sat up straight in my bed and glanced around the room, my heart still beating fast. I shook my head, bringing myself back to reality. All at once I felt so empty and alone. I brought my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Overcome by my emotions, feeling so many things at once, I felt like I might actually cry. Why did I feel this strongly about him? Why did I feel this emptiness that it seemed only he could fill? I needed him. Right now. I needed Joe, and it felt like my soul was aching for him, like it was reaching out with all of its strength, and it hurt, physically hurt. I reluctantly allowed the silent tears to come, feeling foolish, but unable to stop them. And as they quietly streamed down my cheeks, the only sound I could make ripped through me, yet came out in a hushed and tearful plea. “Joe.”
Joe
My heart was pounding, my chest heaving. Maggie was underneath me, making sounds that drove me to the point of insanity. “Maggie, stop me,” I moaned– begging. I knew I shouldn’t be doing this. I was losing control. I’d never lost control. It terrified me.
I shook my head, trying to stop the memory from completely playing out.
She said nothing. She didn’t try to stop me. I pulled her shirt up, running my hand underneath it, feeling her warm porcelain skin. “Maggie,” I whispered her name again urgently, hoping she’d stop me. And hoping she wouldn’t. She responded with a soft whimper against my lips – and that – that did it. I was lost to her and I didn’t want to be found.
My mouth hovered over hers. She breathed in as I breathed out. I was taking her air, and giving it back to her; our breathing, a slow dance of need, eyes locked, my body pressed against hers. She rocked her hips against mine and I let out a groan so deep I could feel it vibrate against her chest. Her eyes widened and then fluttered closed.
“No, Maggie. Look at me. See me.”
Her eyes opened, locking with mine once again. I rolled my hip against hers, feeling her core against mine. I fought to keep my eyes focused on hers. I could tell she was doing the same. I rolled my hips again and she let out a moan that sounded desperate, her eyes pleading with mine to take her.
I walked into the bathroom to splash cold water on my face, and looked at myself in the mirror, still deep in thought.
I wanted to tell her things – things I was feeling, but I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t form the words. I reached for her hands and pulled them over her head, then entwined my fingers with hers, pressing them down on the mattress. I kissed her. It was desperate. I felt desperate, like a man lost in the desert for days finding water at last; I couldn’t get enough fast enough to quench the desperate need I felt. My heart pounded faster. I released one hand from hers and traced the outline of her body, starting at her neck, her shoulders, down her side, along her hip, to her thigh, and then tucked my hand behind her knee bringing her leg up and over mine as I rocked against her again. I needed to get closer still. I couldn’t get close enough. I felt manic, as well as desperate, consumed, and greedy. I wanted her. All of her. I needed her in this moment the same way my heart needed to beat – the way my lungs needed air – the way my veins needed blood. She was all of those things to me: my heartbeat, my air, she was what flowed through my veins. She was my everything, right here in this moment.
I pulled away and exhaled heavily. I raked my eyes over her body, overwhelmed by my sudden epiphany.
“Take me, Joe.”
I looked into her eyes and shook my head. “I don’t want to take from you, Maggie. I want to give.”
I brought my hand up and caressed her face, then palmed her neck, moving slowly down her chest where I rested my palm over her heart. “I want to give, Maggie,” I said, never taking my eyes from hers. “I want to give myself to you.” It was too soon to feel this way. Wasn’t it?
She whimpered again when I slid my palm down to her stomach. Finding the buttons on her shirt, I slowly unbuttoned each one, starting at the bottom and working my way up. I hesitated slightly before unbuttoning the last one. With a shaky hand, I gently pulled open her shirt revealing a pale pink bra. I released her hands and carefully slid the shirt over her shoulders and down her arms.
I grabbed a towel, dried my face, realizing that idea didn’t work. I walked back into my bedroom and stared at the bed.
Instinctively, Maggie brought her hands up and began to mimic my actions as she undid the buttons on my shirt. The last button undone, she brought her hands back up over my chest, slid her hands over my shoulders, and removed my shirt, tossing it on the floor. The skin on skin contact was electric and elicited a moan from me immediately. Maggie responded by moving her hands back up along my arms. I felt overheated, yet I shivered when she touched me and the chills remained as the tips of her fingers trailed down my back.
I sat up on my knees and brought her up with me. I reached behind her and removed the clasps of her bra, then slid the straps down her arms, and tossed it on the floor with my shirt. She wanted to cover herself, I could tell.
I took in the sight of her. “God, Maggie, you’re – you’re beautiful.”
She blushed and shook her head, glancing down.
“Don’t do that,” I said.
“Do what?”
“Act like you don’t believe me.”
She cast her eyes back down to avoid looking at me. I tucked my finger under her chin and lifted her head back up. “You’re beautiful, Maggie. You can believe that. You are. I…” I had to stop and swallow. I couldn’t believe no one had ever told her that. Certainly they had. The idea that she couldn’t believe it, though, made my heart hurt.
“Come here,” I said, speaking softly.
“I’m here,” she said, looking confused.
“No, you’re too far away.” I took her hand and pulled her quickly to me. Her breasts pressed against my chest, and all the air left my body. I carefully rolled her back down onto the bed, loving that she was underneath me again
.
She glanced up and behind her and noticed a candle sitting on the head board. “Joe, is that candle going to fall off and hit me on the head?”
I glanced at it and chuckled. “No, it’ll be fine. It’s been there forever and never moved an inch.” I smiled down at her, kissed the tip of her nose, and then slowly kissed down her body. Chills broke out across her skin. She moaned and moved beneath me. I kissed her lips and coaxed them apart with my tongue, still needing to be closer. I broke the kiss and licked, nibbled, and tasted my way around her throat, up her neck and to her ear. “Let me show you how beautiful you are. Let me show you all the things you do to me. Let me give to you something, Maggie.”
“What – what do you want to give me Joe?”
“Me.”
I grabbed the back of her neck and brought her mouth back to mine.
I was standing in the middle of my bedroom, frozen, reliving that night all over again. I scrubbed my face with my hands as if that could erase the images.
Tasting, touching, feeling. Lips parted, moans expelled, hot breaths on sensitive places, the noises she made. Hips moving in unison, the rising and falling of our bodies, and how time seemed to freeze when I finally pushed inside her. Gasping for breath, gripping her body. Her grabbing my face, kissing me with everything she had. Me holding her, never wanting to let go. Then I heard it, the candle slid off the headboard and landed on Maggie’s forehead. Shit!
Maggie jumped and sat up quickly, rubbing her head and glaring at me. “I thought you said that’s never happened.”
I sat up and held her face in my hands looking her over. “It hasn’t. I swear. I’m so sorry, baby. Are you okay?” I kissed and rubbed her forehead over and over. “Please tell me you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.” She rubbed her head again. “I guess I should be thankful it wasn’t lit.”
“No.” (Kiss.) “I promise.” (Kiss.) “I’ll make it better.” (Kiss.) I covered her body with mine and propped myself up with my forearms resting on both sides of her head. “I’ll take care of you. In fact, let me get you some Ibuprofen and a glass of water, I’ll be right back!”
When I returned Maggie had put her shirt back on and buttoned two or three of the buttons. I also noticed she had pulled her panties back on and had trouble making eye contact. Obviously whatever was happening between us earlier was over. Not wanting to push my luck, I handed her the pills and water, and then found my boxers and put them back on.
“Quick,” she said, “tell me something funny, so I can laugh. This is awkward now.”
“Okay. Yesterday a Prius tried to race me at the lights. I totally had it for the first one hundred meters, but I could only walk so fast.”
She giggled and set the empty glass on the bedside table.
“Lie down now, Maggie”, I said pulling her into me so that her back was against me in a spooning position. She rolled over onto her back and I stroked the red place on her forehead. We lay there like that, not talking and the next thing I knew Maggie was waking me up, shaking me and saying, “Joe! We have got to go! I’m gonna miss my plane!”
I turned around and walked out of my bedroom and into the kitchen. I took a glass out of the cabinet, turned on the tap, filled the glass, drank it quickly, and then slammed it down on the counter. I noticed the time on the microwave: 1:00 a.m.
I then noticed movement on the counter and glanced at my cell phone; the display flashed and showed I had a missed call, from Maggie. I stared at it for a minute. Maggie had never called me. There was a voicemail. I tapped my screen, punched in my code and waited.
“Hi, Joe. This is Maggie. Sorry to call so late. I…umm… I had a dream. About us…and…” She paused, and I could hear her breathing on the line. “And I realized that…” Her words were beginning to slur. Was she drinking? “Sorry…I’m just feeling a little lonely, and you said you wanted to be my friend, so I figured now’s as good a time as any to test that out. So, if you get this message, call me back.”
I listened to the message again, and then a third time. It was like I was trying to put a puzzle together. Something didn’t sound right in her voice. The message had been left only ten minutes before so I pressed send after I found her number and waited for it to ring.
“Hello?”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, Joe, I’m fiiiiine,” she said giggling. “How are youuuu?”
“Maggie, are you drunk?”
“Nope. I’m waaaayyyy past drunk,” she said, enunciating her last word with a slur.
“Why are you drinking?
She hiccupped. “I felt like it. I needed to forget.”
“Needed to forget what?”
She got quiet.
“Maggie?”
“Yep?”
“What do you need to forget?”
“You.”
“Me?” My heart felt like it took a dive off a thirty story building. “What do you mean?”
“I can’t stop thinking about it. Every time I close my eyes, I see you. I see us, together… in your bed. And I don’t want to keep thinking about it because…” she trailed off and I swear I heard a muffled cry.
“Because why?”
“Because, Joe!” she said sounding a little bit angry.
“That’s not an answer, Maggie.”
“It is!”
“No, it isn’t,” I stated calmly.
She got quiet again. “Maggie, are you still there?”
“I’m here.”
“What can I do? What do you need me to do? Tell me… tell me what you need.”
“I need… I need…” she stopped, and then breathed into the phone. “I need to go to the bathroom. I think I’m going to be sick.”
“Magg—”
“Oh God, hold on.” I heard the phone thump loudly against something. Then I heard what sounded like Maggie throwing up. I hated that I wasn’t there to take care of her. I waited, listening for I don’t know how long. After a moment, I heard more muffled noises and a very sad Maggie. “Joe?”
“I’m still here.”
“Will you do something for me?” her voice sounded weak. It was hard to hear her.
“Of course.”
“Will you stay with me tonight? I mean, don’t hang up, okay? Just… don’t hang up.”
“I won’t hang up.” I walked back to my bedroom and got back in bed. “Where are you right now?”
“Colorado.”
“I mean, where inside your apartment are you?”
“Bathroom.”
“Do you think you can make it back to your bedroom?”
“No, I like the cold tile here.”
“Okay.” I laid down half propped up on my pillow and half on my headboard. I could hear Maggie’s breathing, and I wasn’t sure if she was still awake or if she had passed out.
“Tell me a joke,” she said.
Still awake then, “Wanna hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it’s pretty cheesy.”
I heard a tiny laugh. “I think…I think that’s the thing I love the most about you,” she said. I pictured her face squished against the bathroom floor while she was lying on her stomach.
“What’s that?”
“Huh?”
“What’s the thing you love most about me?”
“That you make me laugh. I don’t ever laugh, Joe. But with you I do. I laugh with you.” Her voice trailed off and all I could hear was her breathing again.
“Maggie?”
I heard nothing.
“Maggie?”
“Hmm?” she managed to say.
“Nothing. Try to sleep, baby.”
“Sleep. Okay.”
I scooted further down into the bed and set my phone on my pillow. I closed my eyes and listened to sounds of Maggie breathing and thought to myself, I know just how you feel, sweetheart.
I was awakened by the sound of someone ringing my doorbell. I rolled over and blindly reached over to find the alarm clock. I opened one eye to see the time. Nin
e a.m. Who the hell was at my door this early?
Bang bang bang bang! They had resorted to knocking.
“What the…” I stood up and rubbed my eyes on the trek to the front door. “Hold on a minute. I’m coming!”
When I got to the door I swung it open to find Cooper standing there. “Where’s the fire, man? What the hell are you doing here so early?”
“It is pretty damn early, isn’t it? In fact, I was sleeping pretty contently until Lily’s phone rang late last night to a very drunk Maggie on the other end. Know anything about that?”
“Uh, well, she called me last night too.” I folded my arms in front of my chest. “But what does that have to do with you beating my door down this morning?”
“Everything.” Cooper said, slapping me on the back and moving towards the kitchen. “Oh thank God, you have coffee.”
“Yeah, I learned a long time ago to set it up at night. Every time I try to make coffee in the morning I either forget to pour in the water or add the coffee since I have no brain function before caffeine. It works better this way.”
“Smart man.” Cooper said pouring two cups and handing me one.
“Thanks. So, what are you doing here?”
“Lily.”
“Lily?”
“Yep.”
“Are you going to explain or are we playing twenty questions?”
“Maggie,” Cooper said.
“Maggie?”
“Yep.”
I waited for him to elaborate. He said nothing else…just took another sip of his coffee and leaned against the counter.
“Okay, this conversation is going nowhere fast.”
Cooper grinned.
“What the hell is up with you?” I asked, feeling slightly annoyed.
“When were you going to tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“That you slept with Maggie?”
I stopped mid-sip and looked at him pointedly. “I wasn’t. We didn’t. Well, we sorta did. It’s… it’s complicated.”
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