Caleb put his arm around my shoulders. “Read it, Mags. The best way to understand is for you to read it. She left me one too. I already read mine. I promise you’ll want to read what she has to say.”
All I wanted in that moment was for Joe to walk through the door and pull me into his arms. I missed him so much I felt like I was suffocating, every breath I took felt painful. My heart was beating so hard in my chest that I thought it might explode. With shaking hands I opened the letter that was addressed to me.
My Dearest Maggie,
I love you. I love you so much. I don't know how old you will be when you read this letter, but I want you to know that you were such a sweet, bright, energetic little ray of sunshine. From the day you came into my life, you made it so much more worth living. I cherish every memory I have of you, of us, of our precious family. And that is why it was so hard to leave, but I couldn't stay. I'm sorry, Maggie. I was a coward and I was scared and I wasn't sure what was best for you or your brother or your dad. I thought if I disappeared it would somehow be better. Now I regret it. I regret that I didn't spend what time I had left with you; with all of you. I didn't want you to remember me once the disease took over and I felt as though I would be a burden to all of you.
I was diagnosed with an advanced stage of ALS. It is a disease that affects the nervous system. In the beginning I thought I was just tired or had stiff muscles from chasing you guys around and working in the yard. When I started having trouble swallowing I went to the doctor. I didn't even tell your father, he didn't know. I didn't know how to say it, to tell him I was dying. I ran away, Maggie, and it was so wrong for me to do that to you. I hope you will be able to forgive me. I really do. My family meant more to me than anything and I never want you to feel like it was your fault that I left or that I didn't love you. I love you so much it hurts and I always will. I am so sorry for any pain that I caused you or Caleb or your dad. I can't come home though, not now. I can no longer speak and have advancing paralysis, I apologize for the handwriting, but it is getting more and more difficult to use my hands.
Maggie, I'm sorry. I love you. You must know that, you must. If you can't remember how much I loved you, go look at the picture, the one your dad took at the gardens that day. I'm leaning down to hug you, look at my face, Maggie, and see the tremendous love I have for you and never forget that. I pray for you every day, my precious girl, and I promise that I will be watching over you. I will always watch over you and I will make sure someone very special comes along to love and care for you.
Always,
Mom
I wiped away tears. “You knew?” I asked my father. I wiped at my nose with the back of my hand and stared right into his eyes. “How long?”
“I found out a couple of years ago. Your mother died before she had a chance to send those letters. She was living with an aunt of hers in Iowa; no one knew where either of them was. Apparently, about a year after your mom died, the aunt passed away too. The neighbors had become close friends with the aunt and knew her family lived in Alabama. They searched around and finally got in touch with someone in your mom’s family and they went up to Iowa to box up the aunt’s belongings and sell the house. These relatives were unaware that your mom had been living there; everything that wasn’t sold was boxed up. Those letters were stored in someone’s attic for many years. A couple of years ago, your mother’s first cousin was looking through the attic for some old pictures to use for a slide show or something for someone’s birthday and found them. Nobody knew they existed until then. She immediately sent them to me. After I read the letters I contacted the doctor’s office here but no one would verify anything for me. Doctor Kilpatrick had been retired for a few years and I knew where he lived, so I drove over there with the letters. We sat on his front porch, drinking sweet tea while he read the letters. He confirmed the diagnosis and apologized for the pain and suffering our family went through. I don’t blame Doctor Kilpatrick, he did what your mother asked of him and what the law required. It didn’t make it easier to take, though. That’s when I decided to get my life back in order. I joined AA, did the steps…I kept doing the steps, and prayed every day that I would get the chance to talk to you and your brother again one day to explain everything. I wanted you to know the truth, Maggie.
I quickly looked back at my brother. “You knew…and you didn’t tell me?”
“I wanted you to come to me on your own, Maggie,” my dad cut in before Caleb could respond. “It had to be on your own time. When you were ready.”
I folded the letter and placed it back inside its envelope. “So, she did love us?”
Caleb pulled me into his chest and let me cry. He kissed the top of my head. “She loved us, Maggie,” he whispered. “She loved us.”
Joe
As soon as I got off the plane I made my way to find the car rental place.
Next stop…Maggie’s.
It was nearly five p.m. and I was counting down the minutes. I was so excited about seeing her again. I kept picturing her face, how she looked up at me when I made love to her. The way she held onto me, the way she breathed my name, the way she gave all of herself to me. It was… incredible. I wished I had told her I loved her then, in that moment, but I was so lost in her at the time I didn’t even know my own name.
I showed her though, in ways that a man and a woman were meant to, connected in every conceivable way. We were one body, one heart, one mind. I gave her every piece of me. I cherished her, and loved her beyond reason. I wanted my heart to speak for me, because words failed me.
To say I loved Maggie was an understatement. She wasn’t just the other half of me. She was all of me. I inhaled her very soul into mine, and now it was impossible to live apart from her.
I pinched my eyes closed for a minute, breathed out, and turned the key to start the car. Once I punched in Maggie’s address into the GPS, I pulled out of the lot and onto the road. I didn’t know or care if she would be home before I got there or not. If she wasn’t I would wait for her.
It was then I realized I had been waiting for Maggie every single day of my life, I just didn’t know it. I had no idea there was anything missing in my life until she entered it, and then it all became clear. An epiphany, a light bulb moment, whatever you want to call it, everything came into focus with her in my life, and I’d been seeing things more clearly ever since. My only regret was not finding her sooner. From the moment she was introduced to me I’d thought about her, and I hadn’t stopped thinking about her. She was the one constant thought in my head. The one constant ache in my heart, an ache that hurt, but in a way that made me feel alive, renewed. Reborn.
I didn’t know if it was always going to feel like this, but I couldn’t imagine ever not feeling this way about Maggie.
Then I thought about peaches. The first time Maggie kissed me she tasted like peaches, and every kiss after that one was the same. I’d been meaning to ask her what kind of lip stuff she used that made her lips taste like that… however, anytime we were together asking her about her chap stick or whatever was the last thing on my mind.
I chuckled at all the shit running through my head. I had it bad.
So, so bad.
I pulled up to a red light, right in front of a corner market, and I found myself wondering if they had any peaches. With a grin, I flicked on the turn signal. After the light turned green I pulled into one of the parking spaces and made my way inside the store where I went straight to the produce section. They had peaches! I grabbed several, and when I was standing in the check-out line, I contemplated all the things I could do with the peaches. Eat them off Maggie’s body? Make her breakfast? I wondered if chocolate covered peaches would be any good?
The cashier glanced at me when I placed my purchase in front of her. I smiled and pulled out my wallet to pay.
“Got a craving for peaches?” the lady asked as she weighed the plastic bag and told me the total.
“You could say that,” I smirked and handed her the m
oney.
“You’re not from around here are you?”
“No. Nashville.”
“Ah, I thought I detected a southern drawl. Nashville’s a nice place. Been there a few times.”
“Yeah? This is my first time to Denver. It’s nice, what I’ve seen of it so far.” I took my change and placed my wallet in my back pocket. “Thanks,” I said, and headed for the door. I don’t mind idle chitchat from time to time, but I had someplace I needed to be. I placed the bag of peaches on the passenger seat and pulled up my last text to Maggie, and decided to send her another one. I still wanted my arrival to be a surprise, but I wanted to leave a tiny clue for her too.
Joe: I just bought some peaches at the market. Wonder if these peaches taste as good as you do? Hmm…maybe I can find out later…
I waited a minute to see if she would respond. She hadn’t so I set my phone on the console, pulled out of the parking spot, and onto the road. If she was still at her father’s she most likely wouldn’t be checking her phone.
I hoped she was okay. If I knew where her father lived I would be tempted to drive over there. Even if all I did was wait outside in the driveway, at least if she needed me I would be there. She had told me that her brother Caleb was going to meet her there, so that made me feel better. I was glad he was able to be there for his sister today. Thinking about that, I realized I hadn’t spoken with my own sister in a couple of weeks. I made a mental note to call her later tonight. Maybe after I surprised Maggie we could FaceTime her and the girls. I followed the navigational system directions that would lead me to Maggie’s door. With every mile I left behind me I got more and more excited. I felt like a kid at Christmas. No, scratch that, nothing ever felt this good, not even tearing open a Christmas present and finding out you got the one and only thing you had wanted. This feeling was bigger than that. So much bigger. It was a life force of its own, and I think I actually felt a bit nervous. It was nervous excitement, coiled tight and threaded throughout every fiber in my body. Imagining the thrill I would have the moment when I wrapped Maggie in my arms again was almost too much. I rubbed my chest and could literally feel my heart thumping through my shirt.
How much longer?
I glanced down to the GPS to see how close I was, and realized that I was practically there. Only another mile or so.
The roads had pretty much been cleared of the snow so it had been decent traveling, only some icy spots here and there, nothing too bad. Nashville was no stranger to wintry precipitation, so I was comfortable driving on icy, snowy roads. I sure as shit wouldn’t ride my bike in it though… That was the thought that ran through my head the minute I spotted a bicyclist up ahead riding in the bike lane. Why anyone would be riding their bike in this weather was beyond me. I’d always heard Colorado— Denver specifically— was full of health conscious folks, but this seemed a little extreme.
Just a little longer, I told myself, almost there. I slowed down as I got closer to the cyclist. The only thought going through my head was how ecstatic I was going to feel holding Maggie again. I planned to ask her how she felt about moving to Nashville. To be with me. Depending on her answer, I was prepared to convince her why we needed to be together. The whole speech was planned out, and after I laid all my cards on the table, told her all the reasons why we are good together, and convince her how much I love, adore, and worship her, I was going to get on one knee and ask her to marry me. I reached in my coat pocket and felt for the black box.
I need my girl, and I’m here to get her. As crazy and sudden as it seemed, I could no longer imagine my life without her. I hadn’t even told Hayden about the ring, knowing he would think I had lost my mind. Somehow, deep down, I knew this was my path. Maggie was my now and forever and I hoped that she believed it too.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw the cyclist hit a patch of black ice, causing him to shoot out in front me. For a fraction of a second I saw his eyes, wide with fright, looking back over his shoulder as he weaved and wobbled in front of my car before crashing on the pavement. I slammed on the brakes and swerved into the oncoming lane.
“Fuck!”
Luckily there was no traffic headed in my direction. Though the lane was clear, as I tried to get back into my lane my car started skidding. I didn’t want to overcompensate, so I turned into the skid and avoided using the brakes, turning the steering wheel in the direction my rear tires were going. Even still the tires kept skidding. I could see a traffic signal up ahead and I needed to slow down. The light was green now so I started to gently tap the brakes.
The car slid a bit further before I came to a stop in the middle of the intersection. Thankfully, no one was coming from the other direction. I looked around and spotted the cyclist. He seemed okay, just shaken up. I had managed to miss the guy. I took a moment to calm my breathing.
Holy shit!
I rested my forehead and hands on the steering wheel. Adrenaline was coursing through my veins causing me to tremble all over. That was close. I took a chance to catch my breath. After a few seconds of reprieve, I sat back up and started to turn my car around.
That’s when I heard it.
I snapped my head to the right seconds before the other car made impact with mine. The driver of the car had the same scared eyes I had seen on the cyclist…surprise, shock, and terror. Everything happened in slow motion. You know how people say they saw their life flash before their eyes right as something terrible happened? That’s actually true, because in that split second I saw my whole life flash before me. It was like watching all of your home movies in high speed. Faces of everyone I loved flashed in front of me, and the last face that flashed before mine was Maggie’s. She was smiling, and looking right at me. For a moment I thought she was real.
A split second later I heard the screeching of brakes, saw smoke rising from rubber grinding asphalt, the sound of metal crashing into metal. And then…
Nothing.
Maggie
“Bye, Daddy,” I said and kissed him on the cheek. I stood on my tiptoes and hugged him, smelling his aftershave. I closed my eyes, trying to remember the last time I hugged my father. I couldn’t remember, but I remembered his scent like it was yesterday. It was so odd, yet so much of a relief, to feel comfortable enough to hug him goodbye. I had a lot to deal with emotionally after this visit back to my childhood home and I knew it would take time. I was surprised at how eager I was to give time what it needed to repair hearts and relationships.
My dad released me and looked at the porch, kicking at an invisible rock. “Is it okay if I call you Poppet again? I’ve missed calling you that.” “I…uh…,” I shrugged. “Yeah, it’s okay.”
His eyes flickered back up to meet mine and he said, “I think we both needed to get a handle on our feelings after today.
“Thank you. I love you, Poppet. Very much. I’m sorry I ever made you doubt that.”
Fighting back the tears again I didn’t chance speaking, so I nodded instead.
“Come on,” Caleb said. He took my hand and led me down our father’s front steps. He turned around, still holding my hand while he called out, “Bye, Dad. I’ll call you later.” When we reached my car he gave me a hug. “I’m proud of you, Mags. I know it was hard to come here today. I’m glad you did.”
“I’m glad I did too.” I opened the car door and reached inside to crank the engine so it would start warming up.
“You going to be okay driving back now?”
“I’ll be fine. I’m kinda looking forward to the alone time, you know?”
“Yeah. I know. Listen, call me. We’ll get together and have lunch or dinner soon. Okay?”
“Okay, and bring Lucy, I would love to get to know her.” I hugged my brother and got in my car. The first thing I did before putting the car in reverse was grab my cell phone from my purse. It was dead. Well damn. I wanted to call Joe and I didn’t have my phone charger with me. I tossed my phone back in my purse, started the car, and waved goodbye to both my dad and brother.<
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It’s funny how your life can change in an instant. When I woke up this morning I had no idea what I should expect, and clinging to hope, well, that was scary to me, because that implied I had something to lose. I thought I had lost my father a long time ago, so to say it was a bit unsettling to think maybe I hadn’t lost him… well, let’s just say that it was better to continue thinking that I had. Because this hope that kept creeping its way in was reminding me how hurtful it was the first time around. Could I really set myself up to be hurt again? To find out that letting go of my defenses would prove to be a mistake?
I had faced my fears, and the outcome wasn’t anything I had anticipated. It was so much better. I was looking forward to having a father again, a real family, one that was whole and not broken.
The drive home was quiet, a reprieve from all the noise that had been going on inside my head. I had a lot to take in. Some facts didn’t change – my mom still left us, but it wasn’t because she was unhappy or because she didn’t love us. She’d thought leaving would be better for us. I shook my head at that.
“Oh Mom,” I whispered. “I wish you had stayed.”
My anger was gone, replaced with a deep sadness. My mother had suffered in silence. What’s more heartbreaking than that? I couldn’t imagine ever leaving Joe behind, and if we had children together, the thought of leaving and never seeing them again… I couldn’t imagine the heartache that would follow a decision like that.
Still thinking about everything, I realized traffic was slowing down. I was about six cars back from an accident that hadn’t been cleared yet. It must have happened recently. A police officer was waving cars through one by one. When I got to him he waved me through, and I slowly made my way around the accident site, dodging glass and twisted metal. I looked at the cars involved, not meaning to be a rubbernecker. I wanted to be certain I didn’t recognize the people involved in the accident. It was only a mile from my apartment building. Luckily, neither of the cars looked familiar as far as I could tell. They were both pretty smashed up. An ambulance was leaving the scene and I stopped to let it fly by. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something, a lone peach rolling beside one of the wrecked cars. I watched it until it came to a stop by a piece of debris. I was startled when another officer tapped on my window.
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