“Jill!” Sunshine jerks as if she’s been slapped. “Jill, please don’t talk like that. I… I just wanted to look in on you to make sure that you were okay. Jill, really, I would never try to get you to do anything that you didn’t want to do. Nathan says that you can’t teach someone who doesn’t want to learn, but that when someone is ready for new knowledge and new experiences, you don’t even…”
“How can you be so incredibly naive?” Jillian demands, angrily. “Don’t you see that Nathan’s making a fool out of you? He’s taking advantage of you, Sunshine. How can you be so gullible?”
“Nathan offers us nothing but love,” Sunshine says quietly.
“And quite a lot of it, I’ll bet,” Jillian snaps, “judging from that look I saw in your eyes.”
“Oh, Jill,” Sunshine shakes her head sadly and casts her eyes down. For a moment, Jillian thinks that Sunshine is going to cry. “I’m so sorry that you saw anything,” Sunshine says, softly. “You weren’t meant to. And I’m so incredibly sorry that you’re upset. I feel so helpless. I wish that there was something that I could do to make you feel better.”
“Is that some kind of proposition?”
“Jill, you’re taking everything I say the wrong way. Please don’t. I’m so sorry. I’m so very, very sorry.”
And when Sunshine looks up, Jillian is surprised to see the glistening dampness that stains her face.
Well, she should be crying, Jillian thinks, after what she’s put me through.
But then, an instant later, Jillian is hit by a sharp pang of remorse. Well, hell, maybe I have been a little rough on the girl. She’s so young, and she’s so naive. It’s not her fault that Nathan’s got her so brainwashed. She means well.
I guess.
And suddenly she wants to reach out and wipe the tears from Sunshine’s face, but she can’t quite bring herself to make such an intimate gesture, so instead she reaches over and gives Sunshine’s arm a fleeting, sisterly squeeze.
“It’s okay, Sunshine,” Jillian sighs. “I’ll be okay. At least, I think I’ll be okay, if I can just get some sleep.” And I’ll sleep a whole lot better if I can lock that goddamn door, she thinks. And bolt it.
“Then everything’s alright?” Sunshine asks, hopefully.
Sometimes, Jillian thinks, talking to Sunshine is like talking to a three-year-old. When is she going to grow up and start taking care of herself?
“No,” Jillian says firmly. “Everything is most certainly not alright. I’m pissed as hell. I’m mad at myself for letting you talk me into spending the night here. I’m mad at Nathan for what he’s doing to you. But I’m not so much mad at you, Sunshine. I guess it’s not your fault,” she adds, begrudgingly.
“Oh, Jill, thank you,” Sunshine enthuses, and gives Jillian an impulsive hug. “I just knew you wouldn’t stay mad at me,” she gushes, “I just knew it! You have much too kind a spirit to be angry for very…”
Sunshine stops. Jillian has gone completely stiff.
Releasing her hold, Sunshine looks worriedly into Jillian’s eyes. “Jill, what’s wrong now? Are you alright?”
Jillian avoids Sunshine’s eyes. “Just… don’t… do that to me,” she says, testily. “Not now. Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” Sunshine is clearly confused.
“Don’t… don’t hug me like that. I’m not even sure I want you to touch me.”
Both of Sunshine’s hands fly to her mouth in horror. “Not ever?”
“I don’t know about ever. But not now, Definitely not now. I don’t want anybody to touch me right now.” Especially you, Jillian thinks. You’ve been defiled. You’re unclean.
“But… but… oh, Jill, you’re not afraid that I’m going to try to… to make love to you, are you?”
Jillian doesn’t answer. I don’t want to talk about this, she thinks. I just want to go to sleep. We can discuss it some other time.
Or never, which would be even better.
She shakes her head sadly. “I don’t know, Sunshine,” she says. “I mean, I guess I know that you’re not going to try anything. On one level. But part of me… well, I guess I’m still shook up by what I saw. And I’m too tired to think straight. I just need some sleep.”
“Jill, listen,” Sunshine says earnestly. She starts to reach for Jillian’s hands, but quickly draws back. “Jill, I do love you, but not that way. You understand that, don’t you? I love you as a friend, not as a lover. You’re very special to me. But I would never, never…”
“I know, Sunshine,” Jillian says, tiredly, “I know. Give it a rest, will you?” She turns and starts to trudge up the porch steps.
“Does this mean that I’m never going to be able to hug you again?” Sunshine asks, distraught. “Or even touch you? It wouldn’t mean what you think it means…”
“Please, Sunshine,” Jillian says, wearily, as she opens the door and steps into the foyer, with Sunshine trailing behind her. “Let it go for a while. I don’t know what I mean. I just need for you to give me some space for a while, okay?”
“If that’s what you want, Jillian, sure.”
Jesus, Jillian thinks, I can’t believe that I’m actually back in this house. She glances at the doors that lead to the meeting room, now darkened, then shakes her head and looks away. “Am I going to be safe here?”
“Of course you will be, Jill. Everyone’s probably asleep by now, anyway. And even if they weren’t, no one would bother you. Really.”
“They better not,” Jillian says, but without much force. “Well, at least after tomorrow I won’t have to ever see this place again. Or Nathan.” And she starts up the steps that lead to the guest room…
“Jill?”
Now what? Jillian pauses and turns. Sunshine stands at the bottom of the staircase looking bereft and forlorn.
“Jill…” Sunshine hesitates. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you this before, but Nathan’s coming with us.”
Jillian’s mind goes blank. What does this mean? “Coming with us?”
Sunshine nods. “To Qen Phon. In your dad’s plane. Tomorrow.”
“Nathan’s coming with us?” I couldn’t have heard that right, Jillian thinks. It’s too much. It’s just too much.
“You said that I could bring a few people with me,” Sunshine points out.
Well, I guess I did, Jillian thinks. Damn. I should have known better. Well, shit, it’s a big plane, and once we get to Qen Phon I won’t have to…
A few people…
“Who else?” Jillian asks.
But she knows.
“Roger and Corinne. They didn’t want to go, at first, but they changed their minds tonight. I was real surprised.”
Me too, Jillian thinks. Me too.
“Sunshine,” Jillian says, turning to continue slowly up the stairs, “I think I’m more tired than I’ve ever been in my entire life, and I don’t even want to think about anything right now. I don’t think I could stand any more surprises tonight. Let’s talk about it in the morning, okay? Jesus, what time is it, anyway?”
“I don’t know. Probably around midnight.”
“You’re kidding. It feels like it’s at least four.” She walks up the final few steps and opens the door to the guest room. “Good night, Sunshine,” she says, without turning around. “Get you some sleep.”
“Good night, Jill,” Sunshine says, too brightly, from the bottom of the steps. “See you in the morning.”
My God, Jillian thinks, as she shuts the door behind her. Here I am again. It looks just like it did when I left it. Why did I somehow expect it to look different? It seems like it was hours ago that that goddamn chanting woke me up, but it probably wasn’t really very long ago at all.
Wouldn’t you know it, she thinks, the goddamn door doesn’t lock. Probably nothing locks around here, they just share everything with everybody like a bunch of goddamn communists. I guess they don’t really need any privacy, what with everybody fucking everybody else, and all.
Should I drag
the dresser over in front of the door? That might not stop them, but at least it would slow them down. Give me time to jump out the window. Maybe I should tie my sheets together, just so I’ll be ready.
Maybe I’m being just a little paranoid.
But I am not going to take my clothes off, she thinks, paranoia or no paranoia. Not in this house, no sir, not this girl. I slept in my clothes earlier tonight, I can do again for a few more hours. Maybe I’ll feel a little grungy in the morning, but I’ll be okay after I take a shower.
With my clothes on?
Lying on her back on top of the covers, Jillian giggles at the image of her taking a shower, fully dressed, lathering her clothes with soap, washing under her sleeves, while Sunshine and the others gawk and point and whisper among themselves.
What a night, she thinks, as she starts to drift hazily off to sleep.
What a night.
And tomorrow, I’ll have to ride to the airport with Nathan and Sunshine’s parents. Or maybe I’ll take a limo by myself, and I’ll put them in a cab. But then Daddy would want to know why, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to tell him about what happened tonight. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
And then, on the plane – well, it’s a big plane, and I’ll stay away from them, and I’ll make damn sure that they stay away from me. Once we’re in Qen Phon I won’t have to see them anymore. Sunshine will be staying in the Olympic Village – I don’t care where the rest of the loonies are staying, just as long as it’s far away from me. I suppose I’ll have to see them again on the flight back, but I can worry about that some other time.
Right now, Jillian thinks, dreamily, all I want to do is go to sleep and be thankful that this night – this long, fucked-up night – is over. All I have to do is go to sleep, and when I wake up, it’ll be morning, and the sun will be shining in through the window, and the birds will be singing, and everything that happened tonight will seem like nothing more than a bad dream.
All I have to do is go to sleep, she thinks, and this nightmare will finally be over. And she holds on tightly to that comforting thought as she floats blissfully off into a warm and welcome oblivion.
But the only reason she’s able to sleep at all is that she doesn’t know that her nightmare is just beginning.
Transition
Book 4: Danger
Part 3:
The Reckoning
4.3.1: Sturdivant
“Shouldn’t a couple of us go around the other side in case they try to run out the back door?”
“Hey, Darryl, I’m the one who says what to do and when to do it.”
“Oh, shit, excuse fucking me, man.”
“Just remember.”
“Remember this, asshole.”
“Rollie? You and Gus, you drive around back and park at the corner so you can see the side and the back, you know what I mean? And keep your lights off. If you need any help, just fire a shot in the air. Ace, you go around the other way.”
“Uh, Billy?” Long pause. “I don’t have a gun, Billy.”
“Oh, shit, Rollie.” Disgusted. “I told you to bring a goddamn gun, didn’t I?”
“I don’t have a gun. I don’t mean that I didn’t bring a gun, I mean that I don’t own a gun. That’s why I don’t have a gun, you know? It’s not that I don’t have a gun with me, it’s just that I never…”
“Gus? You got a gun with you?”
“Damn straight I do. And I ain’t gonna fire it in the air, neither. I’m gonna fire it right into one of them fucking hippies’ guts is what I’m gonna do.”
“Oh, shit, Gus, didn’t you hear a word I said? I said not to shoot anybody, not yet, anyway. You might hit Stevie.”
“Fuck you, man. Don’t you think I know Stevie when I see him?”
“No, fuck you, asshole. There’s no telling what he looks like by now. Who knows what the fuck they’ve done to him. His own mother might not even recognize him. So don’t shoot anybody, at least not until we find Stevie. Got that?”
“What about the girls, Billy? It’s okay to shoot them, isn’t it? You don’t think they mighta turned Stevie into a girl, do you?” Giggle.
“Yeah, sure, Eddie, you go ahead and shoot the girls if you want to. You probably can’t think of anything better to do with them anyway, you faggot.” Snicker.
“I just wanna know why the fuck we’re wearing these stupid sacks over our heads. We look like a bunch of fucking morons out for Halloween or something, if you ask me.”
“You are a fucking moron, Ace. And I didn’t ask you. And you look better with a sack over your head, anyway.” Laugh.
“Yeah, you look better, Ace, you moron.” Giggle.
“When are we gonna get started? It’s gonna be getting light soon.”
“Keep your pants on, Ace, and get back in your goddamn truck. I’ll tell you when we get started.”
“Fuck you, Billy. Where do you get off acting like you’re some kind of fucking general or something? We’re all in this together, man.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? This whole thing was my idea, asswipe. Shit, I had to spend half the goddamn night talking you pussies into coming out here with me.”
“Maybe so, but now that we’re out here, our asses are on the line just like yours. And if we get caught, we’re all going down together. And these dumb-ass sacks over our heads ain’t gonna do a bit of good keeping us outta jail, and that’s a goddamn fact.”
“Well, hey, Ace, don’t shit in your pants or anything. Personally, I feel like we’d be doing the town a favor if we run The Crazies outta here. Hell, if we get caught, they’ll probably give us a fucking medal or something. But, hey, if you’re too fucking scared to go through with it…”
“Fuck you, Billy. You know I ain’t scared of no fucking hippies. I just don’t like you acting like you’re King Shit and ordering us around and all. I’m only out here for Stevie, not for you or anybody else. Shit, if it was you they kidnapped, they could keep you, as far as I’m concerned.”
“If you’re through with your little speech, Ace…”
“I’m through, man. Just wanted to let you know where I stand, is all.”
“So why don’t you get your ass back to your truck so we can get started?”
“Sure, man. Like you say, it’s your show.” Honk. Spit. “Got another beer?”
“Eddie, give the man another…”
“Billy?”
“Goddamn it, Gus, I told you to get your ass around back.”
“Well, shit, Billy, nothing’s happening back there. Anything going on up here yet?”
“Are you kidding me? Big Billy Barton’s just sitting around playing with his dick, trying to get up the guts to do something.”
“Fuck both you guys. Shit, all I do is ask for a little help so we can spring Stevie, and all I get is a load of horseshit. I just hope you guys never need any help, that’s what I hope. And I sure as hell hope you don’t come running to me if you do.”
“Well, I’ll tell you something, Billy. Me and Darryl’s gonna head on back into town if something doesn’t happen real soon. We didn’t come all the way out here just to jerk off. When are we gonna get started?”
Billy sighs, much put upon, the weight of the world on his shoulders. “How about right now?” he asks. “That soon enough for you?”
And leaning one meaty hand on the rusted horn ring that encircles the center of the steering wheel, he shatters the serenity of the Connecticut summer night with one long, plaintive blast.
4.3.2: Sturdivant
“What is that?” Walker asks, jolting awake. He peers out into the hall.
From two doors down, Jnana looks out from the women’s sleeping quarters. “Walker?” she asks drowsily. “What’s going on?”
They both step gingerly over to the rail and stare down into the foyer, as if that will help them figure out what’s happening. Behind them, the other disciples emerge cautiously into the hallway in small, sleepy, puzzled groups.
Walker sighs. �
��I guess I better go check it out,” he says.
Jnana shakes her head emphatically. “No, Walker. Don’t. I think you should wait for Nathan. I don’t like this.”
“It’s probably nothing. Maybe somebody just needs some help.”
“I don’t think so. I don’t think you really think so, either, Walker.”
“What’s going on?” somebody asks from behind them.
“We don’t know, Asara,” Jnana says, and Walker recognizes the overly calm tone that Jnana adopts when she’s scared but doesn’t want anyone to know. “I was just telling Walker that I don’t think he should go out there. I think we should go wake Nathan.”
“What is everybody so afraid of?” Chastity bulls her way to the front of the group, and Walker steels himself for a lecture. “You know that Nathan says we have nothing to fear from the outside world. We are the only ones who can inflict harm upon ourselves.” She pauses to look down her nose at Jnana. “I’m sure Nathan’s awake. That noise would awaken anyone. He probably hasn’t come out of his room because he wants to see how we’re going to handle the situation. And there, you see, the noise has stopped!” Chastity’s triumphant attitude makes it obvious to Walker that, in her mind, her insightful appraisal of the situation has somehow, cosmically, defused it.
But after only a few seconds, the noise starts again. This time, instead of one long blare, it consists of an irregular series of shorter bursts.
BEEEEEEEEEEP for two seconds.
Silence for five.
BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP.
Silence.
BEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP…
The guest room door flies open and crashes loudly into the wall behind it, rattling the delicate items on the dresser. Jillian Kendal, her golden hair disheveled, her clothes rumpled, her expression grim, strides angrily out into the hall. With her hands on her hips, she glares at Walker, as if the situation were somehow his fault. “Would you mind telling me just what the hell is going on?” she demands. “Jesus, how’s anybody supposed to get any sleep around here?”
BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEP BEEEEEEEEEEP…
“I think somebody’s blowing a car horn,” Walker volunteers tentatively. “It sounds like it’s coming from the front yard.”
Transition Page 55