“I’ll prove it!”
Reid crossed his arms, his brows knitting together in concern. “Should you maybe ask Poseidon if it’s okay? Since we’re standing by the ocean and all?”
“Hades,” I announced, “is a goat.”
“Wait.” Milo held up her hands. “You named a real goat, or your hallucination of Hades manifests itself as a goat?”
“He feeds his goat his boxers. It’s how he gets off,” Reid commented, then yelled, “Hey Becca, come over here!”
“Swear—” I shook my head. “Every time I tell myself to wake up, the nightmare just gets more real. Why are you guys here?”
Becca jogged toward us.
Milo opened her mouth to speak. We were still on the dock, so I did what any sane person would do in my situation. I pushed her in the water and then yelled, “Quick, sharks!”
Colt swore and dove in after her, followed by Jason, you know, because I tripped him, and then I made a cutting motion with my hand to Reid, who held his hands in the air and stepped back just as Becca approached.
“Sharks? Are you serious, Max?”
“Don’t think I don’t remember!” Reid pointed at Becca. “Don’t think I don’t . . . know things, about what you and Max did.”
She shrugged innocently. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
He pointed at her slowly and then walked off.
“No sharks.” I crossed my arms. “They just looked . . . hot.”
“Who are they?” Becca watched in fascination as Colt and Milo dragged themselves to shore. Jason started swimming around happily.
Hmm, could I disown them? Probably not. What was a good lie? I finally went with the truth. “That’s Milo.” I pointed. “We used to be best friends until she made me pretend to be her fake boyfriend, then gay fiancé, and then she had the audacity to go and get married to that tool”—I pointed to Colt—“who slays dragons and shit and thinks that means he deserves the title of Milo’s best friend.” I sighed. “Oh.” I pointed at Jason. “And that’s Satan.”
“Color me crazy, I feel like there’s a story there?” Becca’s cute eyebrows shot up as she nudged me.
“He signed me up for the show and said I was mourning the death of my fiancée, oh, and abandoned me when I was getting a prostate exam. Thanks, jackass!” I yelled at him as he got out of the water and flipped me off.
“You didn’t want to do the show?”
“Do sharks have teeth?”
“Max . . .” She laughed. “I thought you were happy to be here.”
“I am . . .” I grumbled. “Now.”
“So what you’re saying is I should go thank him?”
“I’m sorry, what?” I cupped my ear. “You want to engage in conversation with the Prince of Darkness why?”
Her smile made my heart slam against my chest. “To say thank you.”
“For?”
“Had he not signed you up, I would have never met you . . .”
“You met me at the coffee shop,” I pointed out.
“Right.” She rolled her eyes. “And you also used five lame pickup lines on me. Had it not been for Jason, that would have been both your first and last time talking to me.”
“Cocky?”
“No.” she mimicked my voice. “Extremely insecure.”
“Fine, you may speak to him, just make sure you talk really loud because he’s eighty percent deaf in his left ear.”
“Aw,” Becca sighed. “Poor guy.”
“Yeah, but his manhood more than makes up for all of his faults, at least that’s what he claims. Then again, I’m pretty sure he has an undescended testicle, because he worked for years to get his voice to lower.”
I wasn’t done listing all the things wrong with Jason. By the time he made it to us he’d suffered through herpes, cholera, a bout of H1N1, two bat bites, halitosis, and an unidentified mass on his chest also known as a third nipple.
Don’t judge me. I had to make him as unattractive as possible.
Because he was competition. He was a male and now he knew I was interested in someone, and didn’t that bring out the competitive nature in all guys?
He would pay attention to her just like Reid did.
I wasn’t going to have it.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
BECCA
After meeting Max’s friends, I gathered with the rest of the contestants for a giant feast to welcome them to the show.
Apparently they were there to help turn the tables. Each of his friends was going to pick out their favorite girl and plan a date with Max. Everything had been going so well between us that I tried not to be worried. Honestly, the show wasn’t so much about the money anymore. I mean, I still needed it, but somewhere along the way it had turned into something more. It was about . . . finding someone I genuinely had fun and chemistry with.
Yeah, if the chemistry was any hotter I was going to go up in flames.
But Max hadn’t pressured me in any way. Oh, he’d kissed me plenty, but that had been the extent of it. He’d invited me inside his hut, but he’d never . . . tried anything.
Did that mean we were just friends who kissed? Was he toying with me? Just a flirt? His behavior made me want to rethink my priorities. One minute I felt solid in my decision to see where things were going with him, but in that same breath, I’d start to panic. What if he was just being friendly and I lost the money? All of it? How would I finish school? I could always take a year off.
I chewed my lower lip.
Would I do that? Just for a chance with Max?
Now that his friends were there I was a bit worried that I’d lose his attention, but when he arrived at the feast clad in hot white shorts that showed off his tan legs and the tightest gray muscle shirt I’d ever seen in my entire life, his eyes roamed the crowd until they landed on me.
The smile that curved his lips could only be described as one of pure excitement and then . . . lust.
He didn’t even talk to the other contestants as he made his way over to my table and sat down next to me.
A few of the girls started whispering among one another. One of them glared in my direction, but I was used to that by now. We were in a competition, but none of them had crossed the line into being hostile. The producers probably hated that. The girls were civil to me; then again, I was nice to them, so I didn’t see what the problem was.
“My lady.”
“My lord.”
“How badass would we be if we owned a castle?”
I laughed. Max was ridiculous. Everything that came out of his mouth was random. He made no sense, but was so entertaining. I was never bored. One could never be bored around Max. I never knew what he was thinking, which was both a good and a bad thing.
“Would our castle have a moat?” I asked.
“Of course.” Max poured me a glass of wine. “Where else would we put the gators and Little G’s family?”
“And what will we do with Hades?”
“I’m already convinced Reid’s never going to find love, since I highly doubt he can keep it up, if you get my meaning, so we’ll gift Hades to him to keep him company so he doesn’t turn into a cranky old man.”
“Wow.” I laughed. “You’ve thought of it all.”
“What can I say?” He shrugged, leaning his head toward mine. “I’m a giver.”
“Good, because I’m a taker.”
“Take all you want. As king of the castle, I order you, my fair lady, to take . . .” He kissed me softly on the mouth in front of all the contestants.
Too stunned to do anything but react, I kissed him back.
When the kiss ended, Max gave me a look of utter panic. “I just kissed you in front of everyone, didn’t I?”
“Yeah,” I said breathlessly.
“They’re going to want to beat you even more now.”
“Because you’re such a prize?” I teased.
“Prize bull with the balls of—”
“Stop, I’m eatin
g.” Colton walked up behind Max and took a seat opposite me. “Hey, I’m—”
“The jackass who took Max’s place as Milo’s best friend?” I shook his hand.
“Cool, so he’s already brainwashed you.” Colt shook his head. “And you were so young, so full of potential.”
“He says I have to drink red wine and wear only black and white until we consummate our blessed union.” I nodded.
“Wow.” Colton chuckled. “Cheers, apparently Max found his doppelgänger in the form of a hot-as-hell chick.”
That earned Colton a swat to the back of his head as Milo made her way to our table. Apparently she didn’t like him calling me hot? “You ass.” She rolled her eyes.
“You and the missus fighting?” Max asked Colton.
“She’s just mad because I wouldn’t let her invite the turtle into the hut.”
“Aw . . .” I nodded to Milo. “Aren’t they pretty?”
“They’re possessed!” Colt shouted. “And it snapped at my foot!”
“He probably thought your pinkie toe was a shrimp.” Max shrugged.
Jason chose that moment to walk up. “Turtles don’t eat shrimp, those badasses love a good burger, though.”
“What?” we all asked in unison.
He shrugged. “I saw it on Animal Planet, they like ground beef. Sue me for being educated!”
“Are you guys”—I cleared my throat and pointed at all of them—“always like this?”
“It’s the Max effect.” Colt sighed. “Drops everyone’s IQ and maturity. Tragic, really. I always wanted to have friends that made me smarter.”
“Not a hard feat, I’m sure.” Max grinned.
“Contestants!” Rex clapped his hands, gaining everyone’s attention. “Welcome to the halfway-point feast!”
Cheers erupted around the table.
“Now, this is the time to get to know the Bachelor’s friends. Remaining women, this is your chance to impress them. If they pick you, you’ll get a private date with our lucky Bachelor. After each date, if he chooses to keep you, his kiss will be a sign of his consent for your continued participation. No kiss means you’re going home.”
Kiss? I tried not to squirm in my seat. The last thing I wanted was for Max to be kissing girls. Any girl but me.
Then again, it wasn’t just a competition; it was a dating show.
“Hey,” Max whispered into my hair. “I don’t have to kiss them on the mouth.”
I squeezed his hand and smiled.
“And each kiss will need to be . . . on the lips.”
“Just kidding.” Max released my hand and slumped in his seat.
“Why are you pissed?” Jason elbowed him. “Some of these chicks are pretty hot. No offense, Becca, I know you and Max have . . .” He pointed. “Whatever this is, but still, I sent him here to find love and get out of my hair, not fall for the one girl who signed up so she could say, ‘Screw you’ to the Bachelor and take the money, breaking his heart in the process. And you have that written all over your pretty little face.” He rolled his eyes. “That’s just what we need, a sad, jobless Max.”
The smile on Max’s face froze while the rest of the table fell silent. “Jason, don’t . . . I already know she’s here for the money. I knew that from day one. And I’m not jobless because I’m stupid . . . I just want to do something . . . you know what, never mind.”
Jason opened his mouth but was elbowed by Colt.
What was going on? What were they talking about? Of course I’d told him the truth, I was there for the money, but now it was more. He had to know that! And why were his so-called friends acting like parents? So what if he wasn’t working?
Reid sauntered up to the table, followed by Hades.
“Aw, you’re like a mama bird with her little chick,” Max teased.
Reid ignored Max and sat down at the table, pouring himself a large glass of wine before saying, “Whatever you do, do not pick that Grumpy chick.”
“My roommate?” I asked.
“Dude . . .” Reid swallowed. “Okay, confession time, remember how I had to bribe a few people to be on staff here? Well, my old theater coach is friends with the producer, and one of my jobs is to”—he turned a bit red—“flirt with the contestants who don’t get as much attention, so that they’ll be happy and then more confident around Max.”
The table fell silent.
Max burst out laughing. “Holy shit, you’re my fluffer!”
Reid’s eyes widened. “I am no such thing!”
“What’s a fluffer?” Milo asked.
Colt groaned and laid his head on the table.
Jason coughed and looked away.
Max grinned. “I’m so glad you asked, Milo. I may reinstate our friendship based on that question alone. A fluffer is . . . wow, how do I put this sensitively?” Max pressed his fingertips to his lips. “Oh, right, in the porn industry there are certain . . . individuals . . .” He squirmed in his seat a bit.
“Who,” Colt said from his muffled position against the table, “help.”
“Yes.” Max snapped his fingers. “They help . . . excite the actors.”
“Excite?” Milo squinted in confusion. “Like they cheer them on?”
When all the guys groaned, Milo winked in my direction. I loved that girl. No wonder she was Max’s best friend.
“Yeah,” I joined in. “I don’t get it either.”
“Shrimp me.” Max raised his hand and Jason passed the shrimp.
“So the daddy shrimp”—Max picked up one of the crunchy brown delicacies—“sometimes isn’t as turned on by the mama shrimp.” He nodded to Colt, who picked up another shrimp, that one a bit plumper.
“So”—Colt swore—“in order to aid in the excitement, a third party . . .” He eyed Jason.
“Hell.” Jason picked up the third shrimp and cleared his throat. “The third-party shrimp comes onto the scene to . . .” His shrimp jumped between the other two. “Help.”
“In a sexual way,” Max explained in a low voice. “Jason’s shrimp gets Colt’s shrimp hot for my shrimp and—boom! Orgasmic experience that er . . . produces . . .”
“Cocktail sauce!” Milo blurted, clapping her hands.
“Oh. Hellfire and rainbows.” Max stared longingly at the shrimp. “You just ruined one of my favorite foods.”
“Thanks, guys. I think I get it now.” Milo sighed. “So should we start to talk to the other girls?”
“Yes.” Colt dropped the shrimp and grabbed the entire bottle of wine. “Lead the way.”
Everyone dispersed but Max and me.
“So . . .” Max dipped his shrimp into the sauce and took a huge bite. “Truth or dare?”
“Truth.” I laughed.
“Does my shrimp get you saucy?”
I dipped my finger in the sauce and licked it off slowly. “What do you think?”
“I think,” Max groaned, “that we should leave. Like, right now.”
“And leave your friends and the feast?”
“Run away with me!” Max gripped my hand. “We can live off love alone!”
“But where will we live?” I gasped. “What will we eat?”
“We’ll live off the land,” Max grunted. “I’ll hunt! I can shoot a bow!”
“But the children.”
“Damn them!” Max shouted. “Curse you, offspring.”
“It was worth a try.” I patted his knee.
“Yeah.” He grabbed another shrimp and winked. “It really was.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
MAX
I liked Becca, not just a little bit. A lot. A lot. A lot. More and more I was hating the fact that I couldn’t do anything about it, meaning I couldn’t sneak off into the bushes and have my way with her. Not that I would do that in the first place because with my luck we’d roll around in poison ivy or something and I’d discover a rash that looked like an unfortunate case of the mumps on my favorite appendage.
I watched in dismay as my group of friends mad
e their way around the tables, chatting up the girls, laughing with them, engaging in conversation I should have been engaging in. But I was rooted to my spot. I was rooted to her.
“You should probably make the rounds,” Becca suggested in a soft voice.
“Like a doctor,” I joked.
Becca rolled her eyes. “Yes, like a doctor.”
“Be my nurse?” I said in a low voice, eyeing her up and down.
“Saw that one coming a mile away.”
I smirked and just . . . stared at her. She was so pretty, and I wanted nothing more than to sit across from her until . . . well, until either I fell asleep or it was so dark I could only see the outline of her lips and even then, yeah, I’d probably still fight so damn hard to keep staring.
“Stop.” She blushed and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Go mingle.”
“Fine.” I sighed heavily. “But know that when I mingle the only single girl I’ll be thinking about is you, Little B.” Before she could pull away I grabbed her hand and kissed it, then walked off in the direction of doom.
“Max!” Grumpy shouted. It was always a toss-up whether she was yelling at me or yelling for me. Let’s just say she was a yeller, and leave it at that.
“Hey.” I forced a smile.
She had Jason’s hand in a viselike grip and he was giving me the “help me” eyes—also known as the eyes that show when a man’s worried about the ability of a woman to hold on so tight to his person that he’s afraid if she ever gets close enough to other parts of him they’ll suffer such an extreme bout of blood loss that they’ll fall off.
“So Jason here was saying he’d really like to see us go on a date and I agree.” She licked her lower lip. “I really think it would be fun if you picked me, right, Jason?” She squeezed harder; swear I heard something pop in his hand.
Jason let out a little whimper.
“Dude, you okay?” I put my hand on his shoulder.
He nodded.
“Of course he’s okay!” Grumpy laughed in her usual terrifying way, where she threw back her head and forced the laugh out of her mouth so loudly it sounded as if she were birthing a chicken in a cow-shaped suit. You know, because it sounded like a chicken, but with the way her face was strained no chance in hell was it any smaller than a cow.
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