by Tarte, Bob
The caged raccoon’s huddled posture and offended look tempted me to let him go on the spot. I stiffened my resolve. “Sorry, but you’ve got to find a new place to live,” I explained, picking up the carrier. “Don’t worry, you’re all right.” The centrally located handle put trap and trap carrier wildly off balance as the animal scuttled from one end to the other. I wrestled the oscillating apparatus into the trunk of my Camry, tuned the radio to a suitably dramatic piece of classical music, and took a back road into Lowell.
My first choice for release on the Grand River was nixed by necking teens in a station wagon certain to be unnerved by the Michelin Man. I crossed the river and chose an access road alongside the railroad tracks. Nervous and cooking inside my protective suit, I set the trap on the ground, aimed it toward a shallow woods on the riverbank, whisked the bolt from the escape hatch, and flopped back into the driver’s seat, slamming the door behind me.
The raccoon did not budge.
Breathing hard, I cautiously left the car again and lifted the escape hatch with a screwdriver to demonstrate that nothing but a hinge impeded his departure. “You’re free,” I urged him. “You can go now. Go on!” He hid his head. The third time I raised the hatch, this animal—that I had never seen move faster than a lumbering trot—issued a menacing snort that sent me flailing backward and streaked into the trees faster than my eye could imprint.
Over the next two weeks, I trapped four more raccoons and released them at the same spot on the river. I congratulated myself, until I stepped outside the basement door one night just before bedtime to call our cat and saw another three raccoons beneath the feeder. I caught these as well, but more still came. They were as plentiful as mice. In fact, the snarl of successive raccoon shifts punching in throughout the night woke me up over the course of the summer.
The following August, Linda’s friend Deanne was having dinner with us when a fat raccoon in search of a canapé wandered into the trap. The sun wouldn’t set for another couple of hours, but Deanne was eager to witness the animal’s joyous moment of freedom. I had never let a raccoon go in daylight. It just seemed to go against the catch-and-release lifestyle. But because my release spot was sheltered from prying human eyes, I agreed to show off my wildlife skills for our guest. Despite a voracious mosquito population near the river and a feisty raccoon that growled at me with uncharacteristic savagery, the liberation went off without a hitch. But just before we drove away, Deanne pointed to a break in the wall of trees that stood between the railroad tracks and the river and asked me, “Isn’t that someone’s driveway? I’m sure I see a house back there.”
“Oh, no, nobody lives out here,” I insisted. “We’re in the middle of nowhere.”
Linda pressed her head against the glass. “I see someone’s house. It’s yellow. And there’s a red car in the driveway.”
“There can’t be,” I whined, turning around on the access road as quickly and quietly as possible. “I would have noticed someone living here.”
“We’d better get out of here,” Linda urged. “Someone might come out with a gun. They’re probably looking for you.”
Her warning was surely excessive. Or maybe it wasn’t. In the fifteen months since Peggy had died, I had dropped off at least thirteen raccoons on those people’s doorstep. That’s thirteen raccoons added to the local raccoon population—thirteen raccoons bitter about having been caught in a trap.
The realization of what I had done filled me with terrible guilt. It also increased my paranoia. Now, after dark, whenever a car grinds to a halt on the shoulder in front of our house, I no longer assume it’s an innocent passerby stopping to check a map. Instead, I’m certain that some sneak with an animal problem is dumping raccoons on our property. And come to think of it, that’s probably how we got so many of them in the first place.
CHAPTER 8
Enslaved by Ducks
Jacob Lestermeyer was going on and on about the pharisee next door as he led us from one farm building to another in search of the mystery duck. We started in a sprawling barn with a baffling maze of pens and cubbyholes. We rooted through squads of protesting hens, eyeballed nervous ducks resting on ancient straw bedding as hard-packed as driveway dirt, combed a food-storage room cluttered with spilled feed sacks, and slowed to admire dozens of day-old pheasant chicks trickling in and out of the heat circle cast by a brood lamp. Out the back door, we dodged a pygmy goat with a taste for shirt buttons in an otherwise deserted chicken coop, craned our necks behind a two-tiered wall of rabbit cages, stuck our heads into a shed so gloomy, Big-foot could have lurked inside unnoticed, and collectively lifted one end of an overturned wooden cart that hadn’t rolled anywhere on its spoked wheels since long before our host’s beard had gone grey.
“The last time I saw her, she was under here.”
Lestermeyer grunted from the exertion of twisting his thick body into the proper angle to peer beneath the cart while still helping to hold it up. “No, excuse me, that’s our ducklings.” Balls of yellow fluff flowed toward the shadows. An outburst of peeps was muffled as we eased the upended vehicle back to the ground.
“What kind of babies are they?” Linda beamed.
“I hope the pharisee didn’t get his hands on her,” he muttered.
“So, why do you call him the pharisee, again?” I asked, uncertain if I had missed the explanation.
He stopped and straightened a pair of glasses that somehow fit around a globular nose. “Because he can quote the letter of the law as fine as the Devil can quote scripture. Had the cops over here twice last week.”
“The cops?” asked Linda. He was too angry to answer at once. As we followed him up a rise in back of the barn, a raw ditch of a miniature lake snapped into view, a great gouge of earth resembling the scar a meteor might have left behind. An excited stream of water from an angled pipe fed the long and narrow, apparently bottomless pit. Blazing reflected sunlight all but hid the score of ducks that paddled far out in the middle.
“Our geese make too much noise,” he snarled. “They wake him in the morning. I told the cops I’ve lived here thirty years. You don’t put up a house beside a petting zoo if you want to live the life of Riley. You see the sign out front that says ‘Lestermeyer’s Petting Zoo’? You can see it clean from the intersection. It wasn’t any surprise.”
“It’s the only way we found our way here,” I told him. “The house numbers don’t make any sense. They go up for a while, then they go down for a while, then they go up again.”
He nodded happily. “‘Lestermeyer’s Petting Zoo.’ The pharisee erects his temple next door then complains that Noah got here first. There’s your duck, out there.”
We shielded out eyes but couldn’t see a thing. “What does she look like?” Linda asked. “If she’s a Khaki Campbell, or call duck, or black and white Cayuga, or Blue Swede, or Muscovy, we don’t want one. We could have gotten one from Mr. Murdoch, but we didn’t want to let him know some of the other ducks he sold us are dead.”
“Raccoons,” I added.
“We don’t want an Indian Runner duck, either,” Linda said.
“We couldn’t get her out of there, anyway,” Lestermeyer told us, waving an arm toward the pond. “Not until they go back to the barn on their own about the time it gets dark.”
“Hours from now,” I explained.
“Mr. Murdoch doesn’t have anything we want right now. We like his ducks, but we want something different.”
“Raccoons,” pondered Lestermeyer. “We get skunks after our chicken eggs.”
“Let’s look around,” I urged Linda. “There must be another duck here you’d like.”
“How about a Rouen,” he suggested. “A Rouen,” he repeated in response to our blank expressions. “The drakes have got green heads exactly like your mallards.”
“A Rouen is a domestic mallard.”
“We can’t have boys,” Linda lamented. “My husband doesn’t want any babies.”
“No ducklings, either,”
I clarified.
“There’s a female Rouen out there,” he told us, as he squinted into the blinding glare.
“She won’t come out until it gets dark,” I said.
“I’ll get her,” he promised. As he walked to the nearest shore of his backyard ocean—a hardened lip of dirt sprinkled with wiry sprigs of grass—three ducks swam toward him, matching his rate of travel. The Rouen hen accompanying a pair of males resembled a slightly larger, fatter version of a female mallard. She quacked briefly and vigorously when Lestermeyer grabbed her, but I missed the miraculous moment of capture; I was transfixed by a vision of mythological proportions. A one-eared goat with a purple scarf tied around her neck appeared from the rise behind Lestermeyer’s barn, followed by four auricularly intact goats so evenly spaced in single-file procession, all five might have been connected by identical invisible lengths of chain. Though I was close enough to nudge any one of them, their slitted eyes didn’t register my presence as they swept along a goat-width path that rounded a rail-fenced pony pen. Just their twitching tails moved unsynchronized. It was the only example of order I had witnessed since arriving at Lestermeyer’s Petting Zoo, and the sight took my breath away. I turned to share the moment with Linda, but she hadn’t noticed them.
“I’m not very impressed by the way girl mallards look,” she said, as Lestermeyer grappled with the wing-flapping female, and I feared another search for the mystery duck loomed. But the Rouen revealed sublime color variations when he brought her close to us. Her tan head was streaked with brown, and a thick black stripe interrupted the flow of orange across her bill. Her back was jeweled with glowing shades of brown—each feather exploded in a sunburst of gold against a raw-umber background. Her breast was creamy chestnut. Her folded wings disclosed a band of electric blue bordered by the purest white. Her tail was white. Her feet were as orange as Peggy’s, and she shared Chloe’s inappropriately noble bearing, along with a boisterous voice sure to harmonize with the Khaki Campbell’s quacks during my extensive stretches in bed.
“She’s a beautiful duck,” Linda decided.
“I had no idea,” I marveled, still stricken by the bovid apparition.
“Couldn’t we get a donkey, too?” she asked. “He’s got the cutest little one in the barn.”
I could only sadly shake my head.
After we had slipped the duck inside the kitty carrier, Lestermeyer led us around a hissing gang of geese, through a small assembly of pious-faced sheep, and into a boxy, vinyl-sided farmhouse to complete the commercial transaction. All the shades were drawn, possibly in an attempt to pharisee-proof the house. The feeble glow of a table lamp in the living room confirmed the murk rather than dispersing it. We felt our way to overstuffed chairs and sat down in front of a coffee table piled with rolled-up newspapers secured with rubber bands. Either Lestermeyer was behind in his reading, or he supplemented his income delivering papers. A silent shadow that I took to be his wife rose from a couch of uncertain hue and retreated to the kitchen. Staring into my open wallet, I struggled to distinguish between the one- and five-dollar bills.
“You sure have a lot of animals, Mr. Lestermeyer,” said Linda.
“It costs me more than I make to feed them.”
“So, what do we owe you?” I asked.
“Eight dollars will do.”
Apparently our mallard wasn’t what Rupert Murdoch would have called a show duck. That also meant Lestermeyer had spent close to an hour with us for less than a ten-dollar payoff. He even refused to keep the change when I handed him a pair of fives.
“I can’t do that,” he told me, fishing eight quarters from a covered candy dish and stabbing them into my palm. “Thank you, but I can’t take money I haven’t earned. If you want to make a contribution, come back and buy more of our animals. We’ve got a little of everything.”
“We’re all through accumulating animals now,” I informed him with wholly unfounded optimism. “But we’ll tell our friends about you.”
“You certainly are a good man,” said Linda, as she leaned over to give him a hug, and my silhouette of a head nodded in agreement.
“Good luck with the pharisee,” I told him.
WE SPENT THE drive back home praising Lestermeyer for his dedication to his animals. Over the next couple of weeks, he kept cropping up in conversation. Linda and I would sit down for dinner to feed Stanley, Ollie, and, to a lesser extent, ourselves. Hearing us clatter around in the kitchen, newcomer Maxine would raise her voice from the duck pen. Chloe would quack in counterpoint. Then Linda would say, “Poor Mr. Lestermeyer. He sure does love his animals.” And I would answer, “I don’t know where he gets his energy.” Then I’d add, “I wish he was selling some of that.” These gripping observations typically trickled on after dinner, but they stopped for good during a particular Friday evening when Linda spotted a classified ad in the paper that made her shout at decibel levels rivaling Chloe’s, “What’s this?” It was an ad placed by Jacob Lestermeyer. In addition to introducing children and their families to the pleasures of mingling with tame domestic animals, Lester-meyer’s Petting Zoo provided another service. The same goats, rabbits, ducks, and chickens were also available for enjoyment as butchered meat.
THAT SPRING AND SUMMER, as visitors to the petting zoo were busy cuddling or cooking Lestermeyer’s livestock, I watched helplessly as we took on additional pets from other fronts. It started with Linda grieving, “Now that Bertha’s gone, I don’t have a little animal to hold anymore.”
“You’ve got Penny.”
“She’s your cat. And she hides upstairs all the time.”
“Okay, then you’ve got Agnes.”
“She’s become an outdoor cat. And she doesn’t even like to look at us.” That was true. Whoever had briefly owned our small black cat before dropping her off on our property had apparently mistreated her. Whenever I scolded her for paying too close attention to the parakeets, or if I made an abrupt grab for a bag of tortilla chips sitting near her on the couch, she would cringe as if expecting a whack. She grew incrementally less fearful as time passed. Penny, on the other hand, had taken Agnes’s intrusion into our house personally. She would flee from me rather than suffer the betrayal of inhaling Agnes’s scent upon my person. She had developed as many hiding places as Binky, secreting herself behind the file cabinet, under the bed, or on top of a slide-projector box nestled in a storage shelf. Whenever I wanted to pet her, I was forced to lie upon the floor and stretch an arm into her hidey-hole. As long as just my fingers reached her, she would purr and roll and, at her wildest abandon, even lick my hand. Catnip occasionally lured her out into the open, though once the euphoria dissolved, it seemed to leave her with a heightened sense of vulnerability.
I didn’t take Linda’s assertions seriously about wanting another pet until the day I arrived home from work and was horrified to find a pair of guinea pigs occupying Bertha’s old cage. When Bertha had died, both Linda and I vowed never to get another rabbit, because we simply didn’t have good luck with them. From what I had read about guinea pigs, their constitutions were even more fragile, and their cranial activity, to put it politely, was significantly less intense. I raised a ruckus, and the guinea pigs promptly went back to the store. My position stressed two unassailable tenets. First, no pets were to be brought into the house without the permission of both husband and wife. Second, okay, we would get another rabbit. Two rabbits? Fine. My guinea-piggish reasoning went as follows: as long as we were falling down the rabbit hole, two bunnies would undoubtedly be less trouble than one. Rather than amusing themselves eating our baseboards and pulling up the living room carpet strand by strand, they would romp and play with each other, freeing up hours of leisure time for us. We decided to look for a pair of Netherland dwarfs.
As a starting point—and for the sheer aggravation of the exercise—Linda phoned our local Lowell pet shop, Betsy’s Beasts, and asked Carl (of “No refund without fish carcass” fame) if he had any Netherland dwarf bunnies at the stor
e.
“I only stock dwarf Dutches and French lops, and only one breed at a time. Right now, we don’t have either one, but I could order one or the other, depending on which breed has the best availability.”
Linda plowed on cheerfully. “I really want a pair of Netherland dwarfs like Bertha,” she explained, although he could have no idea who Bertha was. “Would you happen to know of anybody in the area who raises them?”
“If I did,” he answered, “I’m not going to tell you who they are. I never discuss my suppliers with the public. I don’t make a profit when you buy a product somewhere else.”
“What if I promise to pay you a commission on any rabbit we buy?”
“I have no way of verifying that,” he told her wearily. “You might turn around three months from now, buy another ten rabbits, and I wouldn’t see a cent.”
“I wouldn’t do anything like that,” Linda said. “My husband doesn’t want ten rabbits, he only wants two of them like Bertha.”
“If I take you at your word that you really want just two, I can have two animals in the store within a week. But you’ll have to stop in first and put down a deposit on them. That’s store policy.”
“But what if I don’t like the two rabbits you happen to get in? They might not have a temperament like Bertha. We bought Binky without making sure he enjoyed being held, and he had an attitude. We really want a couple of Netherland dwarfs, but I can’t tell which ones are right for us unless I have several to choose from.”