Love Me For Me

by Lauren Hawkeye

  I saw nothing, but then, I wasn’t a doctor.

  My confusion only deepened with her next words.

  “I just don’t understand why you’d come all that way for something like this, when you’ve been so dead set against coming home.” Her voice sounded puzzled. My knee jerk reaction was to say that Lodenville wasn’t my home, hadn’t been my home since I was fifteen, but I figured it might be inappropriate, given the circumstances.

  “Bob texted me. He told me you’d been in an accident, that I should come home.” I said slowly. As Felicity sat up fully, I began to see a glimmer of the truth.

  Bob had exaggerated, just to see if I had come running. After so many years of having me under his thumb, he didn’t like me being out of his reach.

  “Oh, that man. Always so worried about me.” Felicity smiled fondly, while inwardly I seethed.

  I’d tried to find out—I’d called the hospital. But Bob had been smart enough to know that I’d come.

  “So you’re all right, then?” My voice was tight, and Felicity raised an eyebrow at the tone.

  “Don’t sound too happy about it, or anything.” But she waved the words off with a flick of her hand—she’d long since taught herself to ignore any emotion that came from my direction.

  “I was hit in the intersection on Pine and Fifth. The other person’s car is a write off; ours is fine.” She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, and for a moment I was startled.

  I did that same thing so often myself.

  “I have a few scrapes and bruises, nothing serious. But I did hit my head hard enough that they wanted to monitor me for the day. Everything has gone well, and I’ll likely be discharged before bedtime.”

  I swallowed thickly, then nodded.

  “That’s great.” No way was I going to tell Felicity how Bob had phrased it, making sure that I came running. She would just tell him, and I wasn’t about to give him the satisfaction.

  Never again.

  We chatted for a few more minutes, but with every second that ticked by, I became more and more aware of the likelihood that Bob would return. Finally I interrupted Felicity’s fourth recitation of exactly how the accident had happened, and, surprising myself, bent to kiss her on the cheek.

  “I’m glad you’re okay.” I said softly. Her skin was smooth beneath my lips, and the warmth lingered after I pulled away. We stared at one another for a moment, both of us puzzled, I think, but the unexpected gesture.

  “Are you—will you be staying overnight?” Felicity’s voice was stiff, but not, I thought, unfriendly.

  “I think so.” I wondered if I should pretend that I had come alone, but I found that I wouldn’t mind if Bob knew that I had brought someone with me. Plus, I didn’t want to pretend anything with Alex, ever. “I brought a friend with me. I’ll need to check with him.”

  I thought that Felicity would certainly have some comment about the fact that I’d come all this way with a male ‘friend’. Under normal circumstances she would have. Maybe she was still off balance from the kiss on the cheek. Whatever the reason, she nodded.

  “Make sure you come to see me again before you leave.” She didn’t ask if we were staying at the house. She knew better.

  “I will.” I turned before an awkward silence could stretch out between us.

  Puzzled and feeling slightly off balance, I stepped out of the dim room and into the bright lights of the hallway. My eyes immediately sought out Alex. He was leaning against the wall, his hands in his pockets, and I couldn’t miss the way his eyes brightened when he saw me.

  As for me, my entire soul brightened at the sight of him. I went to him without reservation, folding myself into his arms for a tight hug.

  “Hey.” I smiled when he pressed a kiss to the top of my head, then pulled back to look into his eyes. He was smiling back, but I could see the question over my sudden hug.

  I wasn’t usually very demonstrative with affection, and I knew it.

  “That bad?” I shook my head, taking a moment to draw in his smell—soap, detergent, and him.

  “No. She’s actually fine.” My brow furrowed as I remembered Bob. “She’s going to be discharged any time now. My stepfather... ah... got a little excited.”

  I couldn’t say anything else, not without saying all there was to say about Bob. I no longer wanted to keep it a secret because I thought Alex would leave me—no, it was more because I didn’t want to tarnish what we had with the dirty memories of the past.

  “Well, it’s up to you. I found a room, but we could drive back tonight too.” Alex watched me as he spoke. I was tempted to agree to the latter—to run back to the safety of campus. But I could see the dark shadows beneath Alex’s eyes—he’d been up with the sun for football practice, and had been taking care of me all day.

  “We’ll stay the night, and leave in the morning.” I wanted nothing more than to run, but I was slowly learning.

  Running didn’t take away the problems; it just postponed them to a later date.

  Back in the parking lot, as I opened the passenger’s side door, I saw a man approach the front doors of the hospital. His hair was spiky and brown, threaded through with grey, and even from a distance I could see the plaid of the quilted jacket he wore in the spring and the fall.

  I froze as I laid eyes on the man I hadn’t seen for three years. My heart leapt into my throat, choking me, and I uttered a small sound that I barely heard myself.

  But Alex heard.

  “Serena?” He looked from me to the front doors of the hospital, but Bob was gone. I tore my eyes away from the ghost of my past, and smiled at the boy who had saved me from drowning.

  “Let’s go get some sleep.”

  ***

  I slept like the dead, waking only once. The nightmare clung to me like the sticky threads of a spider’s web, making my heart race and nausea rise up in my belly.

  The smell of lavender hovered in the air.

  “Ssh.” Strong arms wrapped around me, sure fingers stroked through my hair. Alex was there, chasing away the nightmares, and I wasn’t alone.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I was going back to the house. I couldn’t avoid it.

  “This will be quick,” I promised Alex, or maybe I was promising myself. I had texted my mom, who was now home, that we were stopping by to say goodbye.

  I had told her that Bob needed to be out of the house while we did.

  “Do you want me to come in with you?”

  I wanted his strength, desperately, but the thought of Alex in that house made my skin crawl, so I shook my head.

  I saw a flicker of hurt in his eyes.

  “This doesn’t mean I don’t want them to meet you, Alex.” Tentatively, I reached out to brush my fingers over his cheek. He caught them in his hand and held tight. “It’s that I don’t want you to meet them.”

  “That doesn’t make a hell of a lot of sense, babe.” There was an undeniable thread of agitation in his voice, and I winced, knowing that I was the cause.

  “Please. Just... not today, okay?” I pleaded. The set to Alex’s lips told me that it wasn’t okay, not at all.

  I closed my eyes briefly as I hurried up the walk to the house. Was I doing the right thing, not telling him that final piece of the puzzle?

  Maybe I would tell him... someday.

  But not here, and not today. This was going to be hard enough as it was.

  Ringing the doorbell, I stuffed my hands into my pockets and waited. There was no answer. I rang again, then knocked, the sound reverberating off the wood.

  No one came.

  I furrowed my brow, hesitating for a minute. I had promised Felicity that I would come say goodbye. And I had told her that Bob needed to be out of the house before I did.

  Maybe she was sleeping.

  Slowly, I placed my hand on the doorknob. This had been my home, once. Surely it was okay for me to go in.

  My breath hitched as I stepped through the doorway. I quickly looked around, a hab
it I’d developed to quickly alert myself to the presence of a threat... a very specific threat.

  I didn’t find one.

  Slowly I made my way through the entryway, peeked into the living room and the kitchen, then made my way down the hall and to the staircase.

  “Felicity?” I called out. There was no response. Either she hadn’t heard me, or she was actually sleeping in their room upstairs.

  I passed the downstairs bathroom. The layout of the house had always seemed somewhat backwards to me, with the staircase ending at the far end of the hall, rather than the front.

  My hand was already on the railing when the smell hit my nose. I paused, sure I’d imagined it, but no... it was real.

  Lavender. Lavender like the flowers I would always find on my dresser after he’d paid me one of his visits.

  I turned, my heart in my throat, just as Bob came through the door from the garage. He didn’t seem at all surprised to see me there.

  In his arms was a bouquet wrapped in cellophane, tied with a big pink ribbon. A bouquet of lavender.

  “Hello, Serena.”

  I stood where I was, the sudden rapid firing of blood in my veins burning with heat. I watched warily, flattening myself against the wall, as Bob closed the door that led to the garage behind him, then toed off his shoes.

  He wasn’t doing anything overtly threatening, and yet I still didn’t feel safe.

  “Got these for your mom.” He gestured with the bouquet, and I was hit with another wave of the scent. “Lavender’s your favorite, isn’t it?”

  His smile was bland, but I could see the hint of malicious glee in his eyes. My fingers curled, digging at the paint on the wall.

  “Nothing to say?” He took a step closer, and I flinched. When I again looked through the loose strands of my hair, I found a satisfied smile on his face.

  “Be a good girl then, and fetch a vase for these.”

  Warily, I backed away, doing as he asked because it put space between the two of us.

  The vases were kept in the cabinet under the sink, in the downstairs bathroom. I grabbed one blindly, the glass clinking against the porcelain of the sink as I sloshed water inside of it.

  I kept my eyes on the door the entire time.

  Because my eyes were there, I saw Bob follow me in before the lavender again hit me with its scent.

  Stupid. Stupid. I hadn’t thought he would try to do this here, now, while Felicity was asleep upstairs.

  Stupid. I’d let myself be cornered by the man whose abuse had changed my life.

  “You are a stupid girl, Serena.” Bob sounded contemplative. I hadn’t realized I’d spoken out loud until Bob chuckled and grabbed for me. I tried to push past him, to the door and to freedom, but he caught my arm and yanked me back. “Always putting yourself in these situations. Always offering up that tight little body to me, asking me for it.”

  “No.” I shook my head frantically and pushed against him again. “I never asked for it.”

  “You did.” His grip on my arm tightened. I wanted to scream, but fear had stolen my voice. “And it’s all your fault.”

  This is all your fault. As he moved in closer, as the scent of his breath hit my skin, I was suddenly fifteen again. I trembled, my muscles paralyzed, wanting to be a good girl, yet knowing it was wrong.

  His hand covered my breast, squeezed roughly, and I was yanked back into the present.

  I wasn’t fifteen anymore. I wasn’t helpless.

  “Why did you want me to come back here so badly?” Though the feel of his hand on my body was almost more than I could take, I let myself relax, hoping he would let his guard down. “Surely it’s not for this.”

  “It’s absolutely for this.” Bob’s voice was a hiss, and when I looked into his face I saw the demon that haunted my nightmares, the serpent that hid in the body of a man.

  “You thought you’d outsmarted me, getting those scholarships, moving away. Telling your mama on me.” The hand holding my breast squeezed, and his lips brushed over mine in a gross parody of a kiss. “She always wondered, you know, ever since you told her. And for that you owe me one. But more than that, I wanted you back to remind you.”

  “Remind me of what?” I felt bile rising up in my throat, and forced myself to stay still, even as panic coursed through me, sending my fight or flight instinct into high gear.

  I needed him to step back, just one step.

  He leaned back, sliding the hand that had been on my breast up to cup my jaw.

  “To remind you that you don’t have the power between us. I do. I always will.”

  One more inch...

  I fixed my eyes over Bob’s shoulder and feigned surprise. “Felicity?”

  Bob reared back at the sound of his wife’s name, but my mother wasn’t there. The second I had enough room, I pulled back my arm, pushed the force of my entire body behind it, and let it fly.

  My naked fist caught him on the jaw with surprising force. His head snapped back, and he howled.

  “You little bitch!” He howled. His hand clasped to his jaw, he spun and leapt on me, pinning me to the bathroom counter. “You’ll pay for that!”

  I had no more time to plot, to plan where the blows would go. I simply rained my fists down upon him, hitting wherever I could, grateful for the extra strength that my boxing sessions had given me.

  Somewhere along the way I found my voice and screamed. My voice sounded with every scream that I’d ever silenced.

  He didn’t have the power anymore. He never would again.

  As if through a fog I heard voices, shouting. Bob was pulled off of me, but I pummelled the hands that reached for me, backing away with my fists raised.

  “If you touch her, I’ll fucking kill you.”

  I stared up, my teeth bared, as Alex slowly backed into the bathroom toward me. He held out a hand for me, not taking his eyes off Bob, who hovered in the hallway, a portrait of confusion and rage.

  “It’s not what you think.” Bob held a hand to the jaw that I’d landed my first punch on. As I took Alex’s hand, let him pull me close, I noted with satisfaction that Bob’s jaw was rapidly swelling and turning blue.

  “The little slut came on to me. I was trying to get her off.”

  Rage was a red haze that descended in front of my eyes. I jerked my hand from Alex’s, ready to fly at Bob again.

  Alex got there first. He landed a solid blow with those strong, athletic hands, hitting Bob hard enough that he staggered backward into the wall. I heard a feminine cry from the hallway over the moans.

  Wrapping me in his arms, Alex lifted me right off of my feet, holding me tightly against his body. He carried me into the hallway, where Bob slumped against the wall, and Felicity stood, frozen, disbelief and horror written over her face.

  I looked at my mother, my eyes stone cold.

  Then I looked at Bob. He was still sputtering, still angry, but through it all I saw a trickle of fear.

  “I’m a lot bigger than you,” Alex spoke quietly, but his words reverberated through the air nonetheless. “And younger. Stronger. I’ve got abuse in my past too, so you might say I have an axe to grind. So understand this.”

  He leaned in to Bob, swiftly enough that I flinched along with my stepfather. As I uncoiled, I grimly noted that the other man looked scared enough to pee his pants.

  “If you touch Serena again, if you call her, text her, or even think about her, I will kill you.” My mouth might have fallen open with surprise at the brutal promise that I heard, had my body not chosen that moment to begin to shake uncontrollably.

  Arms tightening around me, Alex pulled my head into his chest so that all I could see was the grey of his sweatshirt.

  He carried me from the house, from the smell of lavender, from the memories.

  I didn’t look back. But I couldn’t handle the thought of the future either.

  Would I ever be able to outrun my past?

  Chapter Fourteen

  The ride back to New Haven was
brutal.

  I sat in the passenger’s seat, stiff and stunned. Alex had stopped at a service station on the edge of town and purchased a bag of ice that he’d tersely commanded me to hold against my hand—the hand I’d used to punch—but the ice did little to stop the throbbing.

  To make it worse, I could see the swelling and bruising of Alex’s own knuckles. He’d done that for me.

  He’d done that for me, and now he knew. He knew every little shadow inside of me, everything I’d kept locked away for so long.

  I felt raw. I felt exposed. I wanted to scream.

  “Will you come back to my apartment with me?” Alex asked as we neared the campus. I wanted to—wanted to thank him for what he’d done—but I felt as though a giant scab had been ripped off of a wound that had never healed.

  I couldn’t I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t do anything at all.

  Mutely, I shook my head. Alex grunted, the sound full of frustration, and I winced, which made him curse. I knew he wasn’t mad at me, but I was sensitive enough that his emotions felt like battering rams, beating me black and blue.

  He pulled the car to a stop in front of my dorm, then was out and getting my bag before I could even undo my seat belt. Once I’d finally climbed out, he silently handed me the bag, knowing, I assumed, that I’d refuse to be helped inside.

  What I saw in his eyes when I dared to look up made me want to crawl into a ball and hide. How could he be so kind, so understanding, after all of this?

  I was a mess. I had come from a disaster.

  I did not want to bring that darkness into his life on a permanent basis. He’d had enough of his own.

  “Thanks.” I picked up my duffel, swung it over my shoulder, wincing as the strap brushed my swollen knuckles.

  He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, then tucked his hands into the pouch of his hoodie.

  “I know better than most why you want to push me away right now.” Alex spoke calmly. I wanted to scream at the words. Why couldn’t he be mad, or disgusted—something that I could understand and deal with?

  “Nothing I’ve seen today makes me love you any less.” He looked like he wanted to pull me into his arms, but he didn’t, and I was grateful.