by Nancy Adams
He didn't wait for her to take off her jacket or her shoes; he headed straight back into the kitchen. She could hear glass clinking together, and cabinets and drawers opening and shutting again. Her attention shifted to Rudy, and she knelt to pet him.
“Would you like some coffee? Tea?” Eli called from the other room. She didn't like his tone, how sad it sounded, how tired, and knowing it was because of her only added to her guilt.
“Tea would be great.”
Abby and Rudy made their way to the living room, which was incredibly inviting as the hot furnace stoked the room with heat. She sat down on the couch and looked at some of the books that lay scattered on the coffee table in front of her. Brave New World. Robinson Crusoe. East of Eden. Those books and others sat messily together.
Brave New World. Robinson Crusoe. East of Eden. “Been reading a lot.”
His voice startled her. She hadn't heard him come in from the kitchen. He walked towards her, holding a mug in his right hand, and a smaller teacup in his left. He handed her the teacup.
“Do you have any sug—”
“Three cream, two sugars,” he said. “Just the way you like it. Unless your taste in tea has changed too.”
The stab hurt, but she deserved it. She’d known this wasn't going to be easy.
“Perfect.” She offered a smile. She could see the corner of his mouth twitch up slightly, but he forced it back down.
Silence fell. The only noise was the crackling fire in the furnace, and the occasional noise Abby made sipping at the hot tea.
“So... Melody's doing well,” she finally said. “She's been awake and even talking to us. The doctors say she'll probably be able to come home sometime next week.”
Eli continued staring at the fire dancing in the furnace, “That's great news,” he said, this time with a hint of genuine happiness in his voice.
Abby turned and looked at Rudy, whose head shot up, hoping she would play with him. It made her smile, but it wasn't playtime right now.
“Eli.” She stopped, unsure how to word what she wanted to say. “I'm sorry.” And that was all that came out. It wasn’t enough.
He looked towards her, face wide and disbelieving. Mocking, even. “Sorry? We spend all this time together. Getting to know each other, confessing our hearts to one another, and then at the first sign of trouble you completely throw me aside and treat me like I'm worth absolutely nothing to you, and all you can say is 'sorry'?”
His words hurt. She hadn't really thought about the repercussions of her actions, but now she understood—and felt even worse about what she’d done.
“I guess I made a mistake then, coming here,” she said, standing up to leave. She just couldn't face him any more. She already felt like the scum of the earth, and his constant negativity made her feel even worse. The scum of the earth on the bottom of some else’s shoe.
“Abby…. No, sit back down. Please.” His voice was strained, even through his forced politeness. “We need to work this out.”
Finally. Something they agreed on.
“I want you in my life, that hasn't changed,” he said. “But I don't know if I can do this if you separate yourself from me every time life gets hard. That’s not how relationships are supposed to work, and I can’t be part of one that does. We need to work together, and lean on each other when things get hard. But that requires trust—a trust that you broke. And now, honestly, I’m not sure what it will take for me to regain it. It's not a decision I can just make. I want to, but everything inside of me is telling me that if I do, I’ll get hurt again, and I—I can't have that, Abby. I don't know how much more pain I can take.”
And the worst part of it was, Abby understood. After all, she’d been lying to him, to everyone, the entire time she’d been here. Burdened by the scars of her past, desperately trying to keep them hidden and forgotten. But all that was gone now. She knew what she needed to do.
Abby stood up. Her breathing grew shallow, and short, and she struggled to stay composed. She braced herself, trying not to think, trying not to change her mind and run.
“There's something you need to know about me,” she said. She could tell Eli wanted to say something, but he chose to stay quiet. Right now, he needed to listen.
“I didn't come here to visit my grandma.” Eli's now looked completely confused. “Well, I mean, I did, but it wasn’t the main reason I came, like I let everyone believe.” She took in a deep breath, and with it took hold of all the courage stored within her. “You’re not the only one who knows what it's like to trust someone, to trust them completely, and have them betray you. Strip you of everything, from your sanity to your dignity.” She paused, but the tears were coming. There was nothing she could do but go on. So she did.
“Two years ago, I left New York for a man I’d fallen in love with when I was younger. His name was Tucker. Looking back on it now... well, now I know what love is. And that wasn’t it. But I wanted to prove to myself and to my parents that I was an adult, that I could live my own life, you know? So I convinced myself it was love. True love. And I left, and moved to be with him. He was an addict, but I convinced myself I could fix him, too.”
As horrible as it was for Abby to be saying this out loud, it also felt good. As if some weight on her shoulders was being chipped away, allowing her to breath and stand a little taller. She wept as she continued.
“He came home after work one day, and I just knew something was wrong. I… I was so afraid, I—”
Abby couldn't go on. The pain, the terror, the memories, they were all too real. Eli stood up and made his way towards her. Holding her, comforting her, guiding her back onto the couch. She felt his borrowed strength inside of her, giving her enough courage to continue.
“He... he grabbed me, and threw me against the wall. I didn't know what he was going to do.... I thought he might try and rape me or kill me or—I don’t know. I smashed a picture over his head, and escaped, but only in our struggle the house caught on fire. The Fire Marshall said one of the curtains had fallen onto a candle in the living room.”
She couldn’t have gone on without Eli's support. His strong hand holding hers. His other hand rubbing her back. Massaging and loosening up her tense, tired muscles. She was so tired. But this was the only way to freedom. The only way to truly heal and move on.
“He left me for dead and—and I woke up on fire.”
Abby closed her eyes, even the memory of it almost too much to take. The heat and agony were all too vivid.
Eli clutched her to his chest. Holding her close, protecting her. Her tears dripped onto his jeans, leaving dark circles on the fabric. He held her for... for years. For an eternity. And for the first time since that night, she felt completely at peace. Safe, in the arms of someone who fully trusted, someone she finally knew she couldn't live without. But did he feel the same way? He had just told her that she had broken his trust, that he didn't know how she could build it up again. She needed to show him how much she trusted him. Needed to show him the ugliest side of her, and see if he will stay.
She pulled back. She was a complete mess, she was sure, but that didn't seem to matter to him. He always looked at her as though she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, and she was starting to finally believe it wasn't just an act, but the truth. That was how he really felt about her.
She reached down and began to spontaneously pull up her shirt. Just enough to show him her greatest insecurity. The mark that fateful day had left on her. Her ugliest side. Her scar.
He looked at it, blankly. She couldn’t read his expression.
The moments ticked by excruciatingly slowly as he looked at the horrendous scar. She couldn't take it anymore. She needed his response. Needed to know what he was going to do, or how he would respond. Then...
He turned to her. His face calm, and composed. He reached out for her face, and gracefully ran his fingers softly down her cheek. It felt good.
Then he began to slump down. Moving his head closer
and closer to her scar.
No, she thought. But he didn't stop. He continued down, his face inching closer and closer. Abby froze, horrified. And then his lips made contact with the disfigured skin. Carefully, smoothly, with as much focus and care as though he were kissing the royal hand of the Queen of England.
Abby couldn't believe it. Why wasn't he disgusted? Why didn’t he push her away? Tell her he never wanted to see her again?
And then, suddenly, it all made sense.
She was the one who was afraid of it. She was the one who was disgusted and embarrassed by the wound. She was the one who let it control her, and dictate how she treated those around her. And by kissing it, by giving her the most vulnerable gift a person can give, to the one place that she was most vulnerable, he set her free. He saw her worst, and treated it as if it was her best. Showing that he loved all of her. Completely. Every inch. Showing her he didn't want to change a thing.
Abby grabbed his head, moving it up and pulling his lips where they belonged, against hers. She kissed him passionately, wanting to share everything with him. To become a part of him, and for him to become a part of her. To become one, unified and bound.
She kept kissing him, hard and relentless. Her hands moving up and down his chest and back. Pressing her body towards his. Wanting nothing more than to get rid of the fabric keeping them apart.
She began to lift up his shirt, and undo his buckle. But he broke away, and the moment stilled, then died.
“What are you doing?” he asked, breathing heavily, as did she.
“I... I thought it was what you wanted.” She looked at him, puzzled. “Isn't it? I mean... don't you want—”
“No,” he said. “Well, I mean yes, but—” He shook his head. “Abby, you are the most beautiful women in the world. And everything in me wants to be with you.”
“Then what's the problem?”
“I just... I just believe in only giving myself fully to the one I love on the night of our wedding... it has nothing to do with you, or your scar. I love you. But I respect you, too—and I respect myself. So I can't in good conscious allow myself to—to have you like that before I’ve pledged myself to you and no one else.”
She stared at him. This time she was the one with blank expression. He didn’t seem nervous at all. He didn’t tremble as he waited for her approval. His mind was already made up.
Abby had never thought men could think like that. Could show enough respect and self-restraint to stay abstinent, even when given permission. But he loved her enough that he was willing to give her the respect and dignity she desired... even if she wasn't willing to do the same for herself.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you too Abby. So, so much.”
She leaned into his arms once more, not pushing herself towards him, just embracing him, whole-hearted and warm.
twenty
ABBY OPENED HER EYES, and for a brief moment she didn't know where she was. The walls, the ceiling, the bed; everything was foreign to her.
Oh, right.
It all rushed back. Last night, Eli, the confession, everything. Time had gotten away from them, and she’d ended up just staying the night. She’d had no problem with sleeping on the couch, but Eli had insisted she sleep on the bed. He’d taken the couch. She hadn't argued, no longer feeling the need to prove herself to him.
From the other side of the cracked door, she heard the distinct sound of claws scraping against the floorboards. Rudy. The dog came through the door at a run and didn't slow down, jumping onto the bed to greet her. After he’d licked her face and she’d scratched his head, he burrowed down beside her, and made himself comfortable on the bed. She continued to scratch him as she looked around the room. She hadn’t really seen this place the night before because she’d been asleep before her head hit the pillow, so mentally exhausted from everything that had happened.
There wasn't much on the walls, nothing more than in any of his other rooms, anyway. Then she turned to her left and saw his dresser. There was only one thing. A picture. A woman.
Hannah.
Abby had never seen a picture of her before, and didn’t know much about her, either. Eli sometimes said things, but not much, and Abby was too nervous to pry deeper into his life. Digging up old wounds was the last thing she wanted to do. But maybe that was exactly what he needed. Maybe the reason she didn't want to talk about his past was just because she didn't want to talk about hers. She had let herself believe she was thinking of him, but that wasn’t the case at all. She was only thinking of herself. Maybe he would enjoy talking about Hannah with someone. Sharing her memory might help him heal. Ease the pain... maybe even feel good. A kind of catharsis.
She wasn't convinced, but it would be foolish not to at least ask him about Hannah, and give him the opportunity to decide for himself. It was the least she could do after last night. And if it made him feel anything like she had after opening up last night, then there was nothing he should be afraid of.
She got up, and headed out towards the hallway. She hadn’t even taken the time to remove any of her clothes before falling into bed the night before, and was still fully dressed.
She really was beautiful....
As she moved further along, Abby could smell the sweet delicious scent of pancakes. She rounded the corner and saw Eli at the stove, hard at work preparing their breakfast. Rudy ran up to him, whining. Eli laughed. “You want some buddy? Here you go. Just a little piece though.” He tossed down a torn-off chunk of one of the many pancakes in the finished stack. Rudy swallowed it down immediately, and then started begging for more. Eli looked up, and met Abby’s eyes across the kitchen.
“Didn't know you were up,” he said. “I was going to bring this to you in bed, but I guess now we can eat it together.”
“It smells delicious,” she said, stomach grumbling at just the thought of eating such rich-tasting food.
He grinned. “Thanks.”
She helped him bring the food to the table. And it wasn’t just pancakes; there were eggs too, and toast, and tea—everything she could have wanted. And it tasted even better than it smelled. Turned out Eli was a fantastic cook, with or without a deep fryer.
They ate quickly, without saying much. The mood in the room was warm and fuzzy. They didn’t need to tell each other what they were feeling because it was obvious to both of them. Even Rudy was wagging his tail.
Eli put the last of his scrambled eggs into his mouth, and finished off his tea. “So, what do you want to do today? I have to be at the restaurant by nine, which leaves us about an hour. I'd be more than happy to take you along with me, or drop you off wherever. Just say the word.”
Though she really didn't want to leave him, and spending the day with him at Splash, in this beautiful weather, would certainly be glorious. But she needed to see Melody. And she had already planned to meet up with Molly at the hospital at noon.
“Could you drop me off at the hospital?”
“Sure thing.” He crunched into a new piece of toast. “Do you want to swing by Melody's first? Grab some new clothes and freshen up?”
Abby widened her eyes. “Are you saying I don't look amazing right now?”
He grinned. “Well, I really didn't want to be the one to say anything... but if we’re going to be seen together, you’ve really got to do a little better than that.” Her mouth dropped, feigning offense. “In fact, you should probably cover your face before we leave. I think I have a paper bag around here somewhere.” He shifted around as if genuinely looking for it.
Abby laughed, and so did he. He then looked her straight in the eyes. “You are the most beautiful girl in the world,” he said. “If I had my pick of any woman in the world, all of them lined up in front of me, do you know who I'd choose?”
She blushed, biting one fingernail.
He leaned over the table towards her, taking her hand in his, and with the utmost certainty said, “I'd choose you.”
Her heart sang.
* * * * *
As promised, they made a quick stop at Melody's so Abby could change and freshen up, then Eli dropped her off at the hospital. He kissed her just before she jumped out of the truck, filling her with warmth and happiness. She felt like she was fifteen again.
When she arrived in Melody’s room—having practically danced her way there—she was elated to find her grandmother awake and looking stronger than ever. They talked for a few hours, and Abby filled her in on everything that had just happened with Eli. Melody was so happy for her, but after a while she grew tired and fell asleep. Abby watched her, then found some magazines to read until Molly showed up at noon, and they decided to go out for a walk so Abby could fill her in on what happened without waking Melody.
They walked out toward the shore, as the sun rose and blessed the earth with its brilliant light. Once she started telling Molly the story, she couldn't stop. Though it felt good to share it, it was different with her friend. Someone who was her age, and in the same predicament. Someone who could relate and be affected emotionally in her own life.
As she expected, Molly was over the moon. Barely able to contain her excitement.
“What?! So you stayed the night?” she said, then gave Abby a look. Hinting at what may have happened between them.
“Nothing happened. Honestly. He didn't want to. He said he would rather wait. That it wouldn't be fair to him, or to me, to take so much from me before we were ready to fully commit.”
“That's so romantic,” Molly gushed.
“I thought so too.”
“You two are so perfect for each other. It makes me wanna puke,” Molly said, rolling her eyes.
Abby laughed. What was there to say to that?
They walked for hours, just talking and enjoying each other’s company. For the first time in a long time, Abby felt completely free. Melody was going to be alright, and Abby had gotten back together with Eli. But most importantly, she’d finally shared her past with someone. Getting that off her chest was huge, allowing her to breath openly and freely for the first time in months.