by J. M. Madden
Frowning, she sighed. “Yes, but he didn't have a lot of time to talk. He was on his way to the airport."
Mac tried not to scowl. “Where the heck is he going now?"
“The Dominican Republic. He's with some group going down to do volunteer work. I guess it's worth half his grade."
“But did it have to be planned over Christmas?" Mac asked.
Roz shrugged. “Supposedly that's when they need the most support."
Mac used the finger to mark a space in the book and prop it on his lap. "That just doesn't seem right."
"There's no way I'm going interfere with his curriculum.”
Mac tried to read the expression on her face, but she was being very careful. That told him that her son’s decision to be gone over Christmas had hurt her feelings. “When does he come back?”
“Not until the third week of January. Probably gone for a month total."
Damn. Mac knew that Trevor had been trying to become an individual, but he didn't expect the boy to completely abandon his mother over the holidays.
“Well,” he said, voice brisk. “This gives us an unexpected opportunity."
Roz look at him, her brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"
“No obligations for Christmas,” he grinned. “Done. You don't have to go down to Atlanta, and deal with all the Christmas rush."
Roz had the pensive look on her face. “Yes, you’re probably right.”
“In fact," Mac said, "that frees you up to do absolutely anything you want to do this year."
Blinking in puzzlement she cocked her head at him. "What do you mean?"
"I mean," Mac said, dropping the book to the coffee table, "we've been in this cabin for a long time. I can count on two hands how many times you've been down the mountain."
“You know why," she said defensively.
Mac held up the big hand. "Don't get defensive, I'm just saying if you wanted to do something this year you can.”
When she still looked at him quizzically, he leaned forward in his chair. "If you wanted to go see Andromeda you could. If you wanted to fly to Tahiti for a couple of weeks you could. It's Christmas. All dreams come true on Christmas."
Roz thought about Mac’s words the next day. As she left the clinic and walked to her car, she paused and looked down Main Street. Christmas had attacked. Strings of white lights decorated every tree and light pole along the main sidewalk, giving the scene an ethereal look. They had changed to daylight savings time and at 5:30 the sun had already set behind the mountains. Snow dusted the cars, but it wasn't enough to stick to the ground. She knew it was only a matter of time before winter moved into West Virginia.
The shops along Main Street had all decorated their picture windows, and she looked around. Normally at this time she hopped into her SUV, locked the doors and headed up the mountain, but tonight she let the wonder of the moment take her. Slinging the strap of her purse across her body she began to walk. One hand rested inside her purse on her can of mace, but there were very few people on the street, and the ones that were on the street were laughing and appeared happy. For some reason tonight, she didn't feel the same anxiety she normally did. Was it the Christmas spirit sifting into her soul?
She stopped in front of a gayly decorated glass pane door and looked inside. It appeared to be a coffee shop full of people on dates or who had paused while shopping. There was a man with a computer at one table, but he was immersed in his work. Feeling rebellious, she stepped toward the door. Before she could reach for it, an arm appeared from around her and pulled it open for her.
Roz gasped and jerked back, but the man at the door only smiled at her wider. "Sorry if I startled you. Merry Christmas."
Roz tamped down her reaction. The man looked totally harmless, and there was a little girl with him. She knew within a split second that this man would not hurt her. Taking her courage and hand, she forced to smile, turned and went into the shop. Once inside, the rich scents of coffee beans and sugar hit her. It was a homey smell and her stomach reacted. She glanced around but the man with the little girl that let her in had crossed to the table with the waiting woman.
“Can I help you, ma’am?” a bright voice asked, obscured behind the coffee machine.
“Yes, um,” she glanced across the menu on the back wall, "can I get a vanilla cold brew, please?” She glanced down into the bakery case. "And I'll take two of those sugar cookies, and two of the chocolate chip walnut."
The young woman moved to create her coffee and pack her cookies. After paying the girl cash and dropping a tip and the jar Roz turned and exited the coffee shop, her emotions in a swirl. Pride mixed with excitement as she headed back down the sidewalk toward the clinic and her car. Then her gaze landed upon the sign across the street advertising antiques. In the plate glass window there was a second, smaller sign offering books. She tried to peer inside, but the lights were down. The shop was already closed. She wondered if Mac knew about this place. It seemed like he went through books like crazy.
With her attention focused on her surroundings she headed back to the car. As she started the car and cranked the heat, she realized she was proud of herself. Normally, when she did have to work at the clinic, she didn't dawdle. She got in the car and went straight home. As she’d waited in the coffee shop she realized she missed getting out like that. She missed feeling like a normal person. Though it had been a while, she missed going on dates, both good and bad.
For some reason she thought about Mac. When had he last gone on a date? Probably a long time. She didn't even know if he’d ever been married. She'd never taken the time to actually ask the man about his history.
For someone so cautious about her safety that seemed like a giant misstep.
Feeling generous, she called and ordered Chinese food from the only Chinese restaurant in the area. While she waited for the food to be ready, she pulled into a pharmacy to pick up a few things.
Big box pharmacies were her favorite places to shop, even if they were a little more expensive. They tended to have a range of everything she needed, from liquor to personal items. This one in particular even had a long wall of grocery items. She grabbed liquid creamer, 18 eggs, a package of bacon, a block of cheddar, and three bottles of wine. Then, because she was feeling guilty, two packages of precut salad.
Once again, her hands were full as she walked to her SUV, but she kept her eyes moving. If anyone was going to attack her, they'd have to do it in front of a lot of people.
She drove up the mountain feeling extremely proud of herself. As she parked in her normal spot, Mac came out to greet her and help her with groceries. He gave her a surprised, appreciative look as he carried the Chinese bag into the house. "Look at you," he said approvingly. “Groceries and Chinese!”
Roz shifted uncomfortably. Once Mac came to the house, she'd relinquished a lot of the small details like shopping and some of the cooking. Not that he seemed to mind. He was actually a really good cook. She knew that he missed some of the city conveniences, though, like takeout.
She shrugged, but inside she was still buzzing with accomplishment. Holding up the half-full coffee cup, she climbed the stairs. “I went into the coffee shop and didn’t freak out.”
A broad grin split Mac’s mouth and he very deliberately reached out and hugged her. Roz accepted the intimacy and inhaled him, loving that he greeted her at the door when she came home. Drawing back he took the food bags from her and nodded her inside.
Once the door was shut behind them, cocooning them in, Roz relaxed. Grinning, she turned to Mac. “At the coffee shop a guy reached around me to grab the door and I about peed my pants until I realized he was just being nice.”
Roz realized she was shaking. She held out her hands and watched them quake.
Mac moved close and wrapped his hands around hers, stopping the shaking. He lifted her hands and placed them against his chest as he grinned down at her. “Gettin’ daring, going to the coffee shop alone.”
Roz nodded, a
nd tears came to her eyes. “I just… I’m tired of living like a rabbit, scared of her own shadow. I think of what my son is doing right now and my life is brought more sharply into focus.”
She leaned toward Mac, hoping he would wrap his arms around her, and he did. “I don’t think you’re a rabbit,” he rumbled beneath her ear. “A sly fox, maybe. Something with a pretty coat.”
One of his big hands ran down her hair and Roz could have happily died and gone to heaven right then. Why was his touch so… welcoming? She felt like she could do anything with him right here.
Eventually he pulled back but she got the impression that he didn’t want to let her go.
“I’ll get plates,” he murmured, turning away.
Roz watched him, wishing she could be more than she was. The steps that she’d taken tonight seemed tiny. Years ago, before the attacks, she’d been a ballbuster. You had to be when you were a part of an emergency department the size of Riverside, one of the biggest hospitals in Ohio. Every night there were gunshot victims, knife wounds, heart attacks in addition to the five million potential illnesses that walked through the door. A nurse had to be at the top of her game to work in that kind of environment.
The attack had been so random. Just an everyday homeless dude that had been seen many times before. Even all these years later she could remember the foul smell of the man and the feel of his rough clothing. She’d had bruises on her belly where he’d forced his hands between their bodies to unfasten his pants and rip her scrubs down. His noxious breath, reeking of rotten teeth, had huffed into her face as he maneuvered his body over hers. When she’d fought, he’d slapped her senseless. Blood had trickled from her mouth down her cheek, and her eye on that side had swelled. But she’d done everything she could to fight. Though it had disgusted her, she’d bitten his dirty neck, trying to get him off of her. He’d attacked her in the bathroom and there was nothing within reach to use as a weapon. Then something had tickled her fingers. Oh, God, the call cord next to the toilet. Even as he’d shoved himself inside her, and tears had coursed down her cheeks, she’d yanked that cord for all she was worth.
“Hey, Roz, you okay?”
Jerking, she blinked at Mac. He hadn’t moved in to loom over her and she appreciated that. “Yes, I’m fine.”
Moving to the table he sat across from her, keeping solid eye contact. “I know tonight was stressful, but you need to remember how it made you feel to walk into that coffee shop and order that cup. How vindicating it felt. Yes, it’s just coffee, but you need to look at the bigger picture.”
Roz nodded, buoyed by the calm directness in his rumbly voice. He was right. It had been an incredibly thrilling, difficult thing to do. “I want to do it again,” she told him.
Mac gave her a slow grin. “Good. That’s very good.”
He began unpacking the bag, handing her the carton of steamed rice, then the carton of orange chicken. Roz scooped both onto her plate, feeling somehow…stronger in her skin.
“The Christmas lights were pretty,” she said softly. “They twinkled like fairy lights.”
“I love the lights,” Mac told her. “All the people running around like idiots? Not so much. But I really do love the lights. And tinsel. Remember the old string tinsel you had to fling up onto the tree because it was so light?”
“Yes,” she breathed. “That stuff was such a pain to clean up afterwards. But it was beautiful, you’re right.”
Leaning her chin on her hand, she thought about her son when he was a baby. He had loved Christmas too, though not as much as she had. He’d tolerated the little traditions they’d done together, baking cookies and handing out little gift boxes of treats to neighbors and coworkers. She’d tried to instill in him a sense of goodwill and charity. Perhaps that sense of charity had worked too well, considering he was leaving the country over the holidays…
Times had been different, then. Yes, there had been bad in the world, but it hadn’t really affected them, if that made sense. They had their little bubble of happiness.
She’d tried to create a similar bubble here, and for the most part she had, but the security was beginning to chafe. The world continued to rotate and life went on.
Years ago, she’d been so active in the community. It had seemed like they were always on the go, to school functions and band functions when Trevor was in school, and the occasional church function outside it. As a nurse she’d had a lot of healthy friendships. Most of them had gone by the wayside now, and she regretted that. She realized it was her fault that they’d disintegrated, but at the time she’d had to focus on herself. Was it too late to reach out to a few of them?
Andromeda was her closest female friend now. When the rape case had finally gone to court Roz had been a wreck, but Andromeda had gone above and beyond to help her as her lawyer. Once the court case was concluded and the guy sent to prison, Roz had worried that Andromeda would want to move on, but surprisingly, their friendship had continued. Roz appreciated Andy because she understood her neuroses, her need to retreat, and didn’t belittle her or nag her about it. Quite regularly, though, Roz would get references for counselors in her area.
Though she hadn’t told Andy she’d been seeing one of them for the past couple of years. She didn’t go every week or anything, but every few months when things started to feel too tight in her chest and heart.
Roz realized suddenly that she hadn’t been to see Dr. Rand for a while. When was the last time she’d seen him? Before the mess in Columbus when Mac had saved her? Yeah, she thought so. Damn. She tried to analyze her feelings like the shrinks did, but all that registered was that she should have been feeling claustrophobic by now, choked off, but she wasn’t.
Was Mac the reason why? His being in her house was the only thing that had changed.
She blinked, her eyes drawn to his big form across from her. For as long as she’d been up here she’d been alone, but Mac… he fit into her life like he was meant to be here. After the attack in Andy’s condo, Roz had been feeling devastated, memories of the last attack beating a rhythm against the shell she’d created to protect herself, trying to batter it down. Mac had been there to support her, and at the time she’d needed that support. She hadn’t been able to let him go.
As she watched him stand up and take her plate to the sink, she realized how utterly selfish she had been. Mac had basically put his life on hold to come up on this mountain and give her the safety she thought she needed. What had he given up for her? They’d been here for months. Other than the occasional trip to town to stock up on books and supplies, he hadn’t gone anywhere.
“Mac, I’m sorry.”
He glanced at her as he retrieved his own plate and silverware, carrying them to the sink. “What for?”
She waited for him to turn back around. “I’m sorry for taking you away from your life. I’m sorry for being a needy, pouty, whiny bitch.”
He barked out a booming laugh. “Is that what you’ve been?” he asked, settling into the chair and propping his elbows on the table. His bright blue eyes pinned her and Roz frowned, considering.
“Yes, that’s how I feel. You picked up and moved down here with me on the literal spur of the moment and I don’t think I’ve told you how much I appreciated that.”
His eyes crinkled as he smiled slightly. “I wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t feel like it. As beautiful as you are if I didn’t want to do something no one would budge me.”
Shock slammed through her at his words. Beautiful? Seriously? No. She frowned and had to force herself to concentrate on the rest of the statement. Yeah, she could see that. She’d experienced his stubbornness a couple of times.
“Regardless, your life is on pause for me.”
“No, it’s not,” he contradicted. “I don’t have any classes till spring quarter.”
She blinked, the news coming as a shock to her. She hadn’t realized he had anything scheduled. “Still,” she started, but he held up a hand.
“Roz, I’m e
xactly where I want to be,” he told her, leaning forward on his elbows. “You aren’t keeping me from anything, I swear to you. My cat is here, and my condo leased, so if I’m not here, I’m homeless. Are you trying to make me homeless?”
Her mouth dropped open. “Of course not! I, I just,” her hands went up in the air. Unexpectedly, her eyes filled with tears and her heart began to race. Mac reached across the table and cradled her hands in his own, running his thumbs over hers. Immediately, the panic began to ease like it had never been. Roz registered the change in her body and looked at the cause. The man was smiling at her like nothing had happened, but he was too smart not to realize what had happened, surely.
Rationally she knew he wasn’t here under duress, but she had to make sure. “I don’t want you to feel obligated to be here,” she finished lamely.
He shook his head at her, smile tilting his bearded face. “I don’t feel obligated.”
She winced. “I guess I don’t understand why you would stay here, then. I don’t talk very much and when I do it’s to bitch about something. I’m a passable cook but you’re way better, I admit that now, so I know it’s not that.”
“Would you believe me if I said I enjoyed your mountain, the cabin, and your company?”
Roz looked at him out of the corner of her eyes, but he seemed completely sincere. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“You’re not right in the head,” she muttered.
Mac chuckled, making a face at her. “We’ll be ‘not right in the head’ together, then. I like you Roz. I like the retreat you’ve made here. You’re not the only one fighting demons. We can’t stay indefinitely. Eventually you’ll go back to Atlanta and I’ll go back to Columbus, but for now it’s a nice respite.”
She blinked, her blood chilling. The thought of Mac leaving put her on edge, and she had a startling realization. When had her safety shifted from the cabin to him? The thought of being in the house without Mac didn’t make her happy. It made her feel a little panicky and out of control. She drew in a deep breath. You’re going to have to get used to the idea, she told herself. At some point you’ll each go your separate directions.