by Emma Davies
I stop to look at her. ‘It was weird, a bit like déjà vu… Do you ever get that? When something feels familiar but you can’t say why? I was definitely under scrutiny though… and I’m really not sure if I passed the test.’
Anna pulls a face. ‘Oh, I think that might be my fault, I’m afraid. I was in the shop earlier and, as the curate’s wife, I’m expected to provide information wherever I go. On anything, or anyone. No one ever seems to think that I might not want to. So Jackie obviously quizzed me about you, and she’s a bit of a gossip, but mostly harmless. Anyway, I only said nice things about you, I promise.’ Anna breaks off to grin at me. ‘Don’t worry, she’s only being nosey because you’re new to the village, or rather not new, but you know what I mean. They’ll be talking about something else by lunchtime.’
I smile back. ‘I expect so, we’re really not that exciting… I did meet someone else though. Stacey, I think her name was.’ I wait for the answering nod. ‘She grew up here too apparently, but I think she was a bit disappointed she didn’t remember me. But then I didn’t remember her either so…’
‘It must be weird,’ muses Anna. ‘Having everything look the same, but be different. Always wondering who you’re going to bump into…’
I look at her, puzzled. How did I not realise that things like this were going to happen? It’s as if I imagined that we would just move in and pick up where we left off, like we were in some kind of a vacuum. But I must have thought about it, surely…
‘Well, I hadn’t expected to bump into my old head teacher, that’s for sure. I can’t decide whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.’
‘I guess that rather depends on how naughty you were as a child.’
I slide Anna a glance. ‘That’s the problem,’ I reply. ‘I definitely had my moments.’
She laughs easily. ‘Didn’t we all? It must be quite nice though; the fact that she’s here to reminisce with.’ She pauses for a moment. ‘I don’t mean to pry, and you can tell me to mind my own business, but she obviously thought the world of your mum, and your dad… Did you lose him recently?’
I stare down the lane ahead. ‘Three years ago,’ I say. ‘But sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. Strangely though, since we’ve been back, all the memories I’m having seem to be of my mum, and yet I wasn’t as close to her.’
We’re walking side by side and, as I turn to look at her, I realise that she’s deliberately keeping her eyes straight ahead too. Giving me space to talk.
‘I’m still not. Actually, I had thought that when my dad died things might get better between us, but so far that hasn’t been the case. If anything, it’s made it worse.’
Anna stops suddenly, turning to look at me square on. ‘Maybe that’s why you’ve come back then. Don’t they say everything happens for a reason?’
‘Hmm, maybe. Although moving here hasn’t helped our relationship either.’
‘Is that why Mary said you owed your mum a phone call?’
I sigh. ‘I should have thought about coming here in the first place, that’s the problem. I just got so caught up in the excitement of finding out Pevensey was on the market and getting the move organised that I didn’t stop to think how insensitive it would appear. Mum always loved the house, we all did, but for her this place must be absolutely awash with memories of my dad. It’s bound to hurt.’
Anna nods. ‘So how long did you live here for then?’
‘I was born here, well not here, in the local hospital, but we were here until I was eleven. We moved the summer before I went to secondary school.’
‘Oh, I see. Is that why, so you could go to a different school?’
I stare at her. ‘No, I… Actually, I’m not sure I know why.’ I shake my head. ‘I think my memory must be playing tricks on me.’
But Anna just shrugs. ‘You probably didn’t even think about it,’ she replies. ‘I know what I was like when I was eleven – so caught up in my own little world I hardly noticed what was going on around me.’
I’d like to believe her, but she’s wrong. It isn’t as simple as that. I’m standing just a few yards from the house I grew up in. A house I adored. It should be teeming with memories from the time we left, but it isn’t. The space where those memories should be is just a big, black, empty hole.
* * *
‘Mum?’
‘Thea! Darling, it’s so lovely to hear from you. How is it all going?’
‘Great… bit weird, but oh, you should see the house, Mum, hardly anything seems changed at all and—’ I stop suddenly, remembering the purpose of my call. ‘Well anyway, we’re in, still trying to get a few things straight but the studio is underway, which is the main thing. So we wondered if you might like to come and visit in a few weeks’ time. Once we’re a bit more settled.’ I’m wondering quite how to phrase my next sentence. ‘And also when you’ve had a chance to get used to the idea of us being here a little more… I’m sorry, Mum, I really didn’t really think how it would feel for you hearing we were coming back to Pevensey.’
I can sense the intake of breath from the other end of the line. ‘Well, it was a huge shock, Thea, I’m not denying it wasn’t, but perhaps… well, I didn’t handle it quite the way I should have. It’s just that I thought you were happy and settled in London – so hearing you’d decided to up sticks and move for no apparent reason seemed odd. But maybe that was a rather knee-jerk reaction.’
‘But, Mum, it wasn’t a complete whim to move here… not entirely. The change gives us so many of the things we wanted, things we’ve discussed before: more space, peace in which to work, an end to working tyranny for Drew, the kind of environment we want the girls to grow up in. In fact, the list is endless…’
‘Yes, and I can see that now I’ve had a little more time to think. But Thea, picking Pevensey in which to do that seems… I just don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all.’
‘Why ever would I get hurt?’ I’m trying hard not to let my voice rise; we’ve both just apologised for goodness’ sake.
‘No, I just meant…’ She pauses for a moment. ‘Sometimes we have such fixed memories, particularly childhood ones, and over time they grow and distort so that they become something much more than they ever were—’
‘But—’
‘No, let me finish. I’m not saying that our time at Pevensey wasn’t special, it was, but when you put things on a pedestal—’
‘Like Dad, you mean?’
‘Thea, I didn’t say that.’ She lets out a sigh of frustration. ‘Nobody needed to put your father on a pedestal, he was quite the most wonderful man, as well you know… No, all I meant was that when you attach a certain importance to things, particularly things from your past, you can fool yourself into thinking that they were better than they were. I just don’t want you to think that way about Pevensey and be disappointed if it doesn’t live up to your expectations.’
‘Mum, I’m not daft, I…’ But then I stop, because I can so easily see that I’ve been in danger of doing that very thing. ‘Anyway, I’m sorry for the way I sprung our news on you without thinking first, but I hope you still want to come and visit. You’ll be very welcome and it is beautiful, even after all these years…’
I think I hear her breath catch in her throat as if she’s about to speak, but nothing comes.
‘Oh, and I bumped into Mary Williams today,’ I add, hoping to move on to somewhat safer ground.
‘Mary…?’ She sounds distracted now. ‘Oh yes… I’d quite forgotten… I might have mentioned you were moving. Well, how lovely. I expect she was pleased to see you, all grown up.’
‘Well, she still manages to put the fear of God into me. Hardly changed at all. She invited me round for tea as well but I’m really not sure I’d have the nerve to go. I hadn’t realised you still kept in touch.’
‘Oh yes, we… Not often, birthdays, Christmas, that kind of thing. But she always was a good friend, despite being your head teacher.’
And I realise that ther
e’s a whole other side to my parents’ life in the village that I’d failed to notice with my young eyes. They were just my mum and dad; I’m not sure I even considered them as people in their own right and perhaps I’m just as guilty of that now.
‘I’ve been roped into helping with the Harvest Festival Supper too, can you believe that?’
She laughs. ‘Heavens, is that still going? It certainly brings back some memories but I’m glad to hear the old traditions are still in force. Listen, see how things go, Thea. You’ll be busy with your work, I know, but yes, perhaps in a few weeks I could visit… You and Drew are both well though? And the girls? How are they settling in?’
‘Oh Mum, they absolutely love it. They spend all day in the garden, just like we did. Not a care in the world. And I know we haven’t been here long, but I really can’t picture us living anywhere else. How on earth did you bear moving?’
She clears her throat. ‘Well I’m pleased, that all sounds wonderful.’ There’s a pause of a few seconds. ‘Sorry, Thea, I’m going to have to go. There’s a bowls match on this afternoon and…’
‘Yes, yes of course. I didn’t mean to hold you up. But you’re okay, are you, Mum?’
I hear the smile in her voice. ‘Darling, I’m fine… Now, give my love to Drew, won’t you, and the girls… And Thea, if you ever want to just… chat… you can always call me, you know.’
‘I know, Mum, I will.’
‘Bye then…’
‘Yes, bye…’
I hang up, lips pursed. And it’s several seconds before I place my phone back down on the counter.
‘Penny for them?’
I look up to see Drew in the kitchen doorway. ‘Sorry, I was just thinking…’
There’s a sharp intake of breath. ‘Steady on,’ he says, grinning. ‘You’ll do yourself a damage.’
‘I just rang Mum… Drew, did we do the right thing, moving here?’
His face falls as he moves swiftly towards me. ‘Thea,’ he says, taking hold of both of my hands. ‘We were very happy in London. But somehow over the years our house shrunk to half its size. There was no room to breathe and we outgrew London too. The things we want are different now, and I don’t think either of us realised how much until we were given the opportunity to consider them. Had Pevensey not come up on the market, then we may not have thought about them for a good while yet, but it did and so we have. What we didn’t have is any time to consider other possibilities before we moved, that’s all. Maybe that’s why you’re feeling it was a bit rushed, but that doesn’t mean in any way that it’s the wrong decision.’
I stand back a little. ‘Do you think we rushed the decision?’
‘Thea, I didn’t say that. I was suggesting that you might think it was a slightly rushed decision… and so that now, when you’re a little… stressed by it all, that’s what you’re fixating on.’
‘I’m not stressed, I’m just…’
He slides a hand around my waist, pulling me closer. ‘Yes, you are,’ he says. ‘Because you’re doing that distracted thing with your hair. Pulling it out from behind your ears and then tucking it back again.’
‘Am I?’ I’m buying for time. I know I’ve been doing it, it’s driving me mad too. ‘It’s not that I’m getting second thoughts or anything, but it’s still a big move for us. And talking to Mum just now made we wonder why we ever left in the first place. We will be happy here, won’t we?’
‘Yes, Thea.’
‘And you don’t think it was the wrong decision?’
‘No, I don’t think it was the wrong decision,’ he repeats, and there’s an amused twinkle in his eyes. ‘What are you like?’ he asks, smiling. ‘The girls are going to have an absolute ball here. Your work is going to go from strength to strength, and I’ve already got a few potential clients lined up courtesy of Derek. It’s all going to be wonderful, Thea, just relax.’
‘I didn’t know you’d got work lined up,’ I say, surprised. ‘What kind of work?’
But Drew refuses to acknowledge my concern. ‘Architectural work,’ he says with a grin. ‘Just like Rob suggested, one or two things for local people. Nothing might come of them, but if it does, great. It will tide me over until I’m able to forge ahead with my own stuff. The last thing I want is for us to be worried about money now we’re here. Nothing will taint the experience more.’
‘But we discussed this,’ I press.
‘Yes we did. And I’m not going back on what we decided, Thea. I don’t have a problem with you keeping us financially for a little while, but if I can bring in a bit too that has to be good news.’
I hold his look for several long seconds but Drew doesn’t look away. He has nothing to hide, and I’m reminded yet again how lucky I am to be in a relationship in which communication is so open.
I smile. ‘I know. I just don’t want you to lose sight of your dream, that’s all.’
‘Thea, I’m closer to my dream now than I’ve ever been. My honeycomb houses are going to be a thing, I promise you, and I’m not going to lose sight of that.’ He pulls me towards him again. ‘And especially not when I have you to remind me.’ He rubs his nose against mine. ‘Stop worrying. It’s all going to work out wonderfully.’
Five
I can’t believe the rest of the holiday has already gone. We’ve been busy of course; working in the house, having fun and exploring our old neighbourhood, but even so the last few days have ended up in a frantic chase around trying to get everything ready for school. New uniform, the dreaded new shoes… rubbers, water bottles, the list is endless. And, despite loving the attention from their new-found friends, Lauren and Chloe are still nervous at the prospect of a different school. As am I.
It’s ridiculous to be worried what people think about you when you’re thirty-something years old, but I guess the new-kid-in-the-playground feeling never quite leaves you. I can still vividly remember my first day at this school; standing in the grounds, clutching a tight hold of my mother’s hand, Drew’s too as I recall, and feeling sick with fear. I’d been perfectly happy at home, playing in the garden, baking with Mum, or drawing and painting – there had been lots of that. But, in the end, I’d had such an amazing time that I’d raced out to meet my mum at the end of the day, running so fast that my brain couldn’t keep up with my legs, and I’d fallen in the playground and taken all the skin off my knee. I think I still have the scar.
I’m so grateful to be walking down the lane with Anna on this first morning, because even if I’m not a new child here today, as far as everyone else is concerned, I am a new parent. And I’m about to run the gauntlet of a new playground, with its cliques, and everyone standing in their particular spot. It’s enough to have any woman quaking in her boots and I’m having to remind myself that it’s the children’s first day at school, not mine.
But it’s very strange to be back here today, holding my own children’s hands as I look around from the viewpoint of my much older self. Everything is different, yet achingly familiar; the poignancy of those early days, and what they meant for me, incredibly powerful. It’s a visual marker of how far I’ve travelled in my life, and I can’t help but wonder what the future holds for my girls. Will they be standing in a playground thirty-odd years from now with their own children? Will the intervening years have been kind? Will they be fulfilled in their jobs, with loving partners? Will they be as happy as I am now? The questions come thick and fast and I have to remind myself that none of us have a crystal ball, and a happy past is no guarantee of a happy future.
There’s a palpable sense of nervous excitement as we enter the playground. While the traditional calendar doesn’t show it, it’s still the start of a new year and even the old hands are aware of the unfamiliarity of new beginnings. The teachers are catching up with their pupils’ news, the children’s faces animated and fresh from the summer break, and I hang back a little not quite knowing what the form is. Tilly has a firm grip on Lauren’s hand though, and immediately takes her over to their tea
cher. Mrs Hollingsworth bends to say hello and, looking up, catches my eye with a bright smile. She moves through the crowd.
‘I see Lauren has already found a good friend,’ she says, smiling first at me and then at Anna. ‘So, I know she’s going to be well looked after. But if there’s anything you’re unsure of, do please come and ask. It’s always a little bit mad on the first day back, but I’ll be around at the end of the afternoon if you have any questions, or just want to chat.’
I nod, grateful for her words. Lauren can be quite shy to start with and often has to be reminded to voice what she’s thinking, but she has Tilly by her side and I’m not so worried about her. Chloe, on the other hand, doesn’t really know anyone in her class yet. She’s standing looking around her, clutching her new lunch bag to her chest. But I needn’t have worried. Mrs Hollingsworth has already spotted her difficulty and I remind myself that this is only a small school; everyone will be known here; brothers, sisters, possibly even nieces and nephews, every child will have an identity.
‘So you must be Chloe,’ she says, waiting for the confirmatory nod. ‘Shall I take you over to meet your teacher, Miss Butler? I know she’s got two lovely girls ready to show you where everything is. Come and say hello.’
I’m relieved when Chloe follows her without so much as a backwards glance. I’m turning back towards Anna, intending to share my relief, when I catch sight of the woman from the shop, Stacey, standing a little way from me. Her open stare challenges and it’s me who looks away first; as if I’m the one embarrassed to have been caught looking and not the other way around. I feel my skin prickle. Another mum steps between Anna and me, breaking my line of sight, touching Anna’s arm to get her attention.
‘Anna, sorry, I’ve been meaning to get in touch. My sister-in-law is driving me nuts about this christening, but we’re still harvesting and it’s not like I haven’t had one or two other things to do…’ She pulls a face and then continues in similar fashion.