by Lauren Saft
We were all on pretty serious lockdown, so it was hard to talk. We had no phones, no computers, no free time. I wanted to talk to her, but I was pissed. Alex had agreed to a plan, and then decided my fate and my future and what I was and was not obligated to accept responsibility for with no warning. She took the power away from me and gave it to Veronica. Veronica held our futures in her hands now. She could blackmail us, extort us at any moment. Didn’t Alex see that? Information is power, and you never give up the power. Maybe she did understand that, though. Maybe that was why she’d kept the Drew secret. Maybe that was why she kept so many secrets, because she was playing the same game I was. And winning, at that.
Our first day back in school after the suspension was tense. We all kept our heads down and went to class. Sat in the back, didn’t make much noise, and avoided one another like we’d just had a one-night stand… or a threesome on New Year’s Eve. At lunch I sat at our table, but neither Alex nor Veronica showed up. Where were they? Were they not eating? Were they eating together? Were they friends now? How had this turned into everyone being mad at me? Of all of us, I was the only one who hadn’t fucked someone else’s boyfriend. How was I the bad guy here?
At the end of the day, I sat on the hood of Alex’s car and waited for her. I saw her come out of school and slip her sunglasses on. She saw me sitting there and proceeded toward me.
“So, you wanna talk?” she asked.
“I do,” I said.
“I need to get home,” she said. “I’m on a serious leash.”
“We all are,” I said.
“Maybe tomorrow,” she said. “I really can’t deal with you yelling at me right now.”
“Alex, I’m not going to yell at you.”
She fiddled with her car keys and looked at the ground, at her untied green Converse that were still not in uniform.
“I just want to know why you decided you hate me so much. I want to know what I did to you,” I said.
“Jesus Christ, I don’t hate you,” she said.
“You just decide to screw me over with this whole Veronica thing, and also decide not to share the biggest news in your life with me? What the fuck? I’m your best friend.”
She took her sunglasses off, cleaned the lenses with the stretched-out sleeves of her sweater, and put them back on. “Mollie, the fact that you see it that way is the reason I can’t deal with talking to you right now.”
“That I see it what way?!” I started to choke up a little. “Tell me how I’m supposed to see it! I thought we told each other everything. We used to tell each other everything. I thought we always had each other’s backs.” I lost my breath, because maybe this was really the end of Mollie and Alex. Maybe it had ended a long time ago and, like with Sam, I was holding on to the illusion that as long as I made it look like everything was okay on the outside, everything would eventually, actually be okay. Was this like that? Was it the same thing?
“We do,” she said, staring off onto the lacrosse field. “Well, we did. I had just fallen too deep into your hole of deceit and denial, and I needed to get out. The Veronica shit was wrong. It felt wrong for us to let her get in trouble. I’m sorry I brought you into my moral meltdown,” she said. “But I think some consequences could do us all some good.”
“I wish you’d talked to me about it first. We could have gotten away with it.… We could have had a plan.”
“I guess I just decided I was done with your plans,” she said.
That was a dig. I’d always thought she looked up to me, took her cues from me, but this whole band thing, her keeping the Drew thing from me, it was because she saw through me after all. She knew I was a sham. Alex, the one person I thought would always see me as the Mollie I wanted everyone to see, no longer trusted or revered me. I didn’t know where to go from here. I sniffled and tried to catch her eye.
“I’m sorry,” I said. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was apologizing for, but I knew I needed to apologize. “I miss you,” I said.
“I missed you, too,” she said.
“I never went anywhere!”
“Mollie, you have not thought or talked about anything but Sam or how many calories you ate in the last three years.… It’s always about your boyfriend, your sex life, your parents, your fat ass. Eventually, I just stopped trying to get your attention.…”
I looked down at my nail polish and let what she said sink in. And tried to ignore the fact that she’d just called me fat. Had it been that bad? I searched my stomach for an argument, but I knew I didn’t have one.
“So, that’s what this band thing has been about?” I asked. “It wasn’t about you being mad at me, more about… you just doing something for you?”
She laughed. “Yes, Mollie. As shocking as it is, not everything I do is about you.”
I fought a little bit of a smile. I could feel the genuine warmth returning to the space between us. My shoulders dropped and my knuckles unclenched. Release. Finally.
“So, you boned Drew?” I asked, and knocked her on the shoulder.
She smiled a little, crossed and uncrossed her arms, and said, “It’s really complicated.”
“Isn’t everything?” I wanted to hug her.
“I guess we’ll see.…”
“Does he know everything? About Veronica, the prom, everything?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “But I’m going to tell him if he doesn’t.”
The girls squealed from the fields, running and laughing. We’d all been kicked off the tennis team.
“What do you think he’s going to do?”
“I think that he’ll hate me,” she said definitively.
“And you’re okay with that?” I asked.
“I have to be,” she said. “I’ve gotta get home.” She motioned toward her car.
“Okay,” I said. “See you at manual labor camp?”
She smirked, got in her car, and drove off. I stood there, watching the girls play lacrosse, running around, ponytails bouncing, a distinct odor of shit from the grass fertilizer wafting over the parking lot. I thought about what Alex said, about the toxicity of secrets and lies and self-absorption. For the last three years, my life had been entirely dedicated to creating the illusion that I was somebody I clearly was just not. And after all that, clearly, it hadn’t even worked.
I was still angry—angry at Sam, at Veronica, even at Alex a little now. But I was angry at myself, too, which I guess I hadn’t admitted yet. I’d let my anger at myself, my frustration with Sam and Alex, my jealousy of Veronica, and my fear of exposure completely misdirect my emotions, and I got myself here. Everything I did explicitly to prevent all this from happening explicitly led to all this exactly happening. Fuck. It was all my fault.
VERONICA COLLINS
Veronica! It’s been ages!”
“I know, Mrs. Finn. How are you?” I asked.
“Frankly, somewhat disappointed in you girls.”
I bowed my head but smiled a little, enjoying the sentimental feeling I had being at Mollie’s house, talking to her mother, and being made to feel like a child.
“I know, Mrs. Finn,” I said. “Is Mollie home?”
“She’s not supposed to have friends over right now,” she said, when Mollie emerged behind her.
“Mom, she doesn’t have to come in. Can I just talk to her quickly on the porch? Please? It’s about school.”
Mrs. Finn looked at Mollie and rolled her eyes. “Okay, quickly!” she said. “You’re still in trouble!” She scooted Mollie along with a hand on her back. “Veronica, can I get you something to drink, sweetheart?”
I smiled. “No, thank you,” I said. “I promise, this will only take a minute.”
Mollie nudged me outside, and the two of us sat on the steps to her front porch. We sat side by side and looked out onto her yard where our whole childhood, sleepovers in tents, snowmen, Slip ’N Slides, played out like a movie in front of us. Her porch wrapped around her house, and as kids we’d run around it like banshe
es and swing on her porch swing, paint Easter eggs, and watch thunderstorms. Mollie’s house was the best.
“I’m glad you came over,” she said. I just looked down at her little legs knocking into each other. She was so small; I wanted to take her under my arm and hold her on my lap like a little baby. She was so mean, and her presence and domain so large—it had been a while since I’d sat this close to her and remembered that really, she was a very little person.
“I just want to talk,” I said. “I want to understand. Was it just the Sam thing? Was it always Sam? Because…”
“It wasn’t just the Sam thing,” she said. “The Sam thing just gave me an excuse.”
I was quiet for a minute. “Why do you hate me, Mollie? Because I thought about it a lot, and I think the only reason that I ever even hooked up with Sam in the first place was because I was pretty sure that you hated me anyway.…”
She sighed and twirled a piece of hair around her finger.
“You just made me so mad,” she said. “You’re so pretty. You eat whatever you want. Boys love you. Girls love you. You’re always having a good time. You never worry about anything. Sam always had this thing with you, and it made me crazy. It wasn’t fair. I admit it. It wasn’t even about you; it was about me and my bullshit. Apparently, everything has been—”
“So you roofied me? Your bullshit led you to drug me?”
“I guess so,” she said. “And the Alex thing. The Alex thing pushed me over the edge.”
I scooted over and looked at her. “What Alex thing? What did Alex have to do with it?”
She rolled her eyes and looked at me like I was a moron. “Come on! Like you didn’t know that it killed her to see you going out with Drew?”
“It was her idea!” I said.
“Veronica… come on. She’s been in love with him forever. How could you have done that to her?”
I leaned back on my elbows and looked out over Mollie’s front yard. It was warm, hot almost. Like summer was really just around the corner, like we’d officially made it back through to the other side.
“I really didn’t know,” I said. And I meant it. Alex had said she wanted us to go out. I would never even have thought about Drew if she hadn’t mentioned it. If Alex had told me to stay away, I would have. Why would she have told me to go out with him? Why didn’t people just say what they meant?
“Well,” she said. “Now you know.”
I could have stopped there, but as long as Mollie was having such an honest moment, I was going to take advantage of it. We might never be able to talk like this again. I felt like we were sitting in some alternate universe, where we actually spoke real words and told real truths to each other, and that the portal to the next dimension would close any minute and we’d go back to doublespeak, secret code, and roofie-ing each other, so I better ask questions now while her answers might still be in English.
“So, at that party freshman year… Sam really did like me?”
“Oh, get over it!” she said. “Yes, he did. But look at it this way, you lucked out. He could have been your problem all these years.…”
“So, you really did tell people I had chlamydia!”
“You did!”
We both laughed. “It was a yeast infection!”
“Sure,” she said. She put her hair up in a ponytail. “So, what’re you gonna do now?”
“Break up with Drew,” I said. “Start clean.”
She just nodded, and had a satisfied look about her. “I should probably go back inside. My mom’s probably got a stopwatch.”
“So, now what?” I asked. “Are we friends? Were we ever?”
“Sure, we were,” she said. “Now? I don’t know. Would you even want to be friends with a maniac like me?”
“I probably shouldn’t,” I said. “You’re a pretty evil bitch, now that I really think about it.”
“I know,” she said. “But I’m gonna try to work on it. You’re a good person, V. I really am sorry.”
“Okay,” I said, and I got up and stretched out my back. “I appreciate hearing that. And I’m sorry I slept with Sam. Not cool.”
“Yeah, but I’m still really glad you didn’t get raped by Mr. Boardman,” she said as she headed back inside.
“Gee, me too!” I replied. She smiled a small but sincere smile and closed the door.
I WAITED A FEW days before talking to Drew. I needed to process how I felt, physically feel better, and really think about what I was going to say to him before I said anything, which was sort of a new thing for me. Because Drew was a good guy. In all of this, between me, Mollie, and Alex, he was probably the most innocent and oblivious. He meant well, and I needed him to understand that nothing anyone had done in all of this really had anything to do with him at all, which was probably slightly emasculating and offensive.
I drove to his house and asked him to come for a ride with me. We never went for drives. It was his and Alex’s thing, but it felt appropriate. We were pretty silent in the car. I wasn’t sure exactly where I was going to start or how I was going to phrase what I needed to say. I pulled into a park and suggested we sit on a bench.
“Weird,” he said. “I’ve never been to this park.”
“I have,” I said. I had with Jon Glick, freshman year. We shotgunned beers, and I gave him a blow job right on the very bench we were sitting on.
Drew cracked his knuckles and looked forward out onto the meadow, where there were girls sunning on blankets and groups sitting around with beers and guitars.
“So, you fucked Sam,” he said, with a crick of his neck.
“So, you fucked Alex,” I said, with a swivel of mine.
His pool-blue eyes swelled and widened. He hadn’t expected me to say that.
“She told you?” he asked.
“Not exactly,” I said.
“I’m sorry, Veronica…” He trailed off. “It was right after my dad…”
“Drew, honestly, you don’t need to explain.”
“I don’t?” He looked out at the girls tanning, then at my legs and feet. I tried to bend around to catch his eye, but I couldn’t.
“We were never really supposed to be together,” I said. “You’re a great guy, but let’s face it… you were never my guy.”
“I really wanted to be,” he said.
“That’s nice to hear,” I said.
“I was so mad at you that night,” he said. “When I found out about Sam, and when I saw you so drunk.”
“Right, well… the drunk thing wasn’t exactly my fault,” I said.
“Whose fault was it?”
“Alex didn’t tell you? They drugged me.” It was funny how that just rolled off my tongue now, like it was already becoming a funny story or wacky shenanigan from our youth. My crazy friends and that time they slipped me a mickey…
“They what?!” His eyes pulsed.
“They found out about the Sam thing and decided to exact revenge by roofie-ing me at the prom and having me pass out and publicly humiliate myself.”
He rubbed his temples. “Are you joking? They drugged you? And then you almost were legitimately assaulted by your teacher?”
I hadn’t really even put it in that exact an equation yet. “Yeah, I guess so. But it’s not like they planned that part, and whether he intended molestation is still up for debate.”
“Do you have any idea how fucked up that is?”
“I suppose I do,” I said. But then it all played out, Sam, the threesome, the fact that I was dating Drew, Alex and Fernando, it all began to roll out in front of me, and I was beginning to understand how it all worked. “But no more fucked up than anything else that we’ve done to each other this year,” I said. “A tangled web we’ve weaved…” I didn’t really know what that meant, but I’d heard it said and it seemed appropriate.
“I can’t believe Alex would do something like that… intentionally hurt someone like that. Mollie maybe, but not Alex…”
“People do crazy things for love,�
� I said.
He finally looked up, smiled a little, and put his arm around me. He laid his head on my shoulder, and I felt almost a motherly affection toward him.
“You’ll always be my first,” he said.
“I’m honored,” I replied.
We got up and went back to the car and rode home in complete silence. I dropped him back at his house and kissed him good-bye. He asked if I wanted to come in and hang out, just as friends, watch a movie or play a video game or something, but I said no, because for the first time in my whole life I realized that I just wanted to be alone.
ALEXANDRA HOLBROOK
More than a week had passed since the prom, and I still hadn’t gathered the nerve to talk to Drew. I did talk to Fernando. I told him that I needed space and that I thought we should just be friends. He didn’t seem too broken up about it. I told him that I still wanted to play in the band, and that I hoped things wouldn’t be weird. He just laughed and asked, Why would they be? And I realized that they wouldn’t, because in the end, neither one of us ever really cared about the other one like that anyway.… Only when real feelings are involved do things get weird. Like how they were with Drew. Weird wasn’t even a strong enough word to describe what was going on between the two of us, or even what was going on between me and Mollie or me and Veronica. It was like everything that had lived under the surface and allowed us to be friends had been blasted onto a 3-D HD screen, and now we didn’t know how to relate to one another anymore. Honesty. The ultimate destroyer of comfort. Everything was out on the table now, and I didn’t know if that would ultimately lead to us all being closer or us all never being able to look one another in the eye or trust one another again. All I knew was that the floodgates had been opened, and everything had to bleed out before we could close them again. I had to talk to Drew, but I was still grounded.
Mr. Boardman was back in school. I couldn’t look him in the eye, either. I just kept seeing that caught expression on his face when we found him in the laundry room. I couldn’t believe he had the balls to continue teaching us, and I wondered if he really thought that any of us bought his story. I wondered if Veronica was the first, or if there were other girls at Harwin or other schools he’d taken advantage of, and I thought about how horrible a man he really was, and who else in our lives that we saw every day, and trusted with things, were capable of such ultimate betrayal and sickness. I was mad at everyone. Disgusted with humanity. I didn’t know how to get back to feeling like a worthwhile human being again, or believing that any human wasn’t a lying, evil sociopath.