by Joy Argento
“Do you think maybe you should write her back?” Jenny continued.
Madison scooped a large spoonful of mashed potatoes into the bowl, keenly aware of her desire to throw the whole pan across the room. She was not only angry at Ali—she was angry at Ali’s ability to affect her emotions so much after all these years. “And why would I want to do that?” Her back was to Jenny and she made no attempt to turn around. She could feel the heat in her face rising.
“To let her know how much she hurt you.”
Madison turned to look at her sister. “And what good would that do? There is no way in hell she could leave me like that and not know how much it was going to hurt. It didn’t make sense to me then and this doesn’t make sense to me now.”
“Then maybe write back and ask her why she left the way she did.”
Madison finished with the potatoes and grabbed a wine glass from the shelf above the sink. She had to stand on her tiptoes to reach it. Jenny was a good three inches taller than her and seemed to keep everything higher than Madison would have preferred it. “There’s an open bottle of red on the dining room table,” Jenny said without being asked. Madison retrieved the bottle and poured herself a glass. She held the bottle up, silently asking Jenny if she wanted some. Jenny shook her head. Several beats of silence went by.
“So?” Jenny asked.
“What?”
“So, do you think you should write and ask why she left?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Madison took a long sip of her wine and let the warmth of it settle in her stomach. “Because I don’t care anymore. She had her chance. Hell, she had twenty years. I refuse to open that door again. She’s just not worth it.”
“But—”
Madison held up her hand. She did something she almost never did. She shut her sister down. “I’m done talking about it. She is out of my life and has been for a long time.” Out of her life? Yes. Out of her head? Maybe not so much. Out of her heart? That was something she didn’t want to think about.
Jenny got up and turned the oven off. She gathered up plates and silverware and set them on the counter. “Maddy, you really do need to—”
“Stop, Jen. Stop.” She needed Jenny to stop talking about it and she needed to get any thoughts of Ali out of her head. She wasn’t sure she could do the latter.
Chapter Five
Ali hadn’t expected the visceral response from her body at the sight of Madison. She hadn’t gotten a good look, but she knew without a doubt when she ran by who it was. The pounding in her chest made its way to her head and she thought the sound might explode from her ears. She sucked in her breath so fast that she choked on her own spit. The girl she had loved so deeply was now a full-grown woman. Somehow in her head Madison had remained that eighteen-year-old girl who broke her heart.
She had watched Madison in her rearview mirror until Madison was out of sight. She wasn’t sure what to do next. Wait for her to return? Go in the donut shop and ask questions about Madison? No. Neither of those options felt right. She needed to better prepare herself for this. This? What was this? This was a mistake. What could she possibly learn about relationships from the one person who had fucked up their relationship so badly that Ali had left her hometown never to return—until now? She had the urge to call Charley, but she knew exactly what Charley would tell her. You need to stay the course, baby doll. You’re there now. Follow through. Learn what you can, and if there is nothing to learn, tell her the fuck off.
“Okay. Okay. Get out of my head, Charley,” she said out loud. She’d booked a room at one of the two motels in town. She briefly considered stopping at a fast-food joint to get something to eat as she drove to the Sleep Well Motel, but her stomach objected, and she relented. She didn’t know if Grubhub was available in this sleepy town if she got hungry later, and she really didn’t care enough to check the app on her phone.
The motel room was nicer than Ali expected, although it did look like it had about eight coats of paint on the woodwork. She flipped on the television, but nothing on the screen registered as her brain played out every scenario possible when she did walk into that donut shop to confront Madison. She was getting herself ready for bed when her phone rang out Charley’s ring tone. She knew Charley was waiting for an update. “Hey,” Ali said.
“Honey child, I have been waiting for you to call me. Have you been with Madison Parker all this time?”
Ali slipped her pajama bottoms on with one hand while holding the phone with the other. Not the easiest thing to do. “No. I didn’t go in.”
“Say what? Why not?”
“I’m just not ready. I’ll go in the morning. I did, however, see Madison.” Ali explained the brief sighting.
“You didn’t try to talk to her?”
Ali turned the thermostat up on the heater lining the wall under the large window. She hadn’t noticed how chilly the room was when she first arrived. “What was I supposed to do, chase her down?”
“Good point.” They chatted for several more minutes, with most of that time spent with Charley making sure Ali wasn’t changing her mind. “You know this is important, right?”
Ali hated to admit it, but she knew Charley was right. She had to find closure with Madison one way or another or she would never be able to have a decent relationship. “Yes.”
“Okay, sweetie, get some sleep. Call me tomorrow.”
But sleep wasn’t Ali’s friend that night. She tossed and turned and tossed some more. She finally fell into a deep sleep just as the sun was coming up. It was nine o’clock when she opened her eyes. She’d gotten a solid three hours of rest. A hot shower helped to dislodge the grogginess from her eyes and brain.
“Time to make the donuts,” she singsonged to herself on her way to O’s. The silly jingle somehow helped to calm her nerves. She had no idea if Madison would be working or how she would react if she was there. She parked in the same spot she had the day before and sat in her car for a full ten minutes before extracting herself and walking across the street. A tingle ran up her arm as she touched the door handle on the donut shop. Fear? Anxiety? Excitement at seeing Madison again? All of the above. She took a deep breath and pushed the door open. The smell of warm donuts was both comforting and disturbing. The place had been updated with new booths and a shiny new counter, but still held the same charm it always did. It looked bigger than she remembered, and she realized they must have expanded into what used to be a pizza shop next door.
She spotted Madison right away, pouring coffee into the cup of an elderly man seated at the counter. There were fine laugh lines around her eyes and a couple of lines etched on either side of her mouth. A few stray pieces of gray hair mixed with her dark brown hair at the temples. She still wore it long. She looked older but was just as beautiful as Ali remembered. Her brown eyes still held the same sparkle, framed by gorgeous thick lashes.
Ali’s heart moved up to her throat, and she found it hard to breathe. She was transported back to high school, to secretly meeting for coordinated bathroom breaks for a quick kiss, to sleepovers where very little actual sleeping was done, to making love in Madison’s bed, to…
Madison looked up and caught her eye. Ali didn’t know anyone could open their eyes or their mouth that wide. The look of shock on Madison’s face would have been comical if Ali hadn’t had her heart drop from her throat to the pit of her stomach. She suddenly felt like she might throw up and didn’t know whether to leave or run to the restroom.
“Feel free to sit anywhere there’s an open seat,” a voice to her right said.
Ali jumped.
It was a waitress, Lea, according to her name tag. “And welcome to O’s,” she said.
“Huh? Um. Yeah. Okay. Um.” Ali realized she wasn’t making any sense. She started for a booth, changed her mind, and turned in the direction of the counter and Madison, changed h
er mind again, and slipped into a booth off to the side. Once she was seated, she wasn’t sure she had made the right decision coming here. Lea was standing over her with her order pad in hand.
“Can I get you a cup of coffee or tea to start?” Lea laid a menu in front of her.
Ali looked over at Madison, who was still staring at her. “Coffee—and—and could you please ask Madison to come over here for a few minutes? Please. Thanks. Please,” Ali mumbled. Shit. She was rambling. She must have sounded like an idiot.
“Sure thing,” Lea replied.
Ali watched Lea approach Madison, exchange a few words with her, nodding in Ali’s direction, and disappear into the back. Madison continued to stare at her, and just when Ali was sure she would disappear into the back like Lea had—or even into thin air—she headed in Ali’s direction, coffee pot in hand.
Madison flipped the coffee cup that was on Ali’s table right side up and poured coffee into it. “What can I get for you?”
Ali was confused. Surely, she had recognized her. The look on her face told Ali as much. Why was she acting like this? Was she that much of a bitch? It wasn’t enough that she had thrown Ali away and chosen Howard? Now she had to pretend Ali was just another customer. “Madison,” she started. “Madison.” She wasn’t sure what to say. Madison didn’t respond.
“Madison,” Ali repeated. “Can we talk?”
“I’m thinking no. You could have talked to me twenty years ago, but you decided not to. That’s on you. Not me. I am in no mood to talk to you now.”
Ali hadn’t known what to expect, but this wasn’t it. “Why?” It was the only thing she could think to say.
“There’s no point. Now would you like to order?”
“You broke my heart. I think I deserve a few minutes of your time.”
Madison put her hand on her hip and dipped her chin down. “Excuse me? What the hell are you talking about?” A few of the customers in the shop turned toward them. Madison lowered her voice. “You come into my place of business and demand to talk to me with some bullshit accusations? You have some nerve.”
The nauseous feeling Ali had when she saw Madison was quickly being replaced by anger. She had driven a long way to talk to Madison and Madison was acting like an ass. Madison should have been begging for forgiveness, not treating Ali like she was in the wrong.
“Madison, I have no idea what you are so mad about. I just want to talk. I’m the one who has every right to be angry.” Ali worked to keep her voice steady. She knew that agitating Madison would only make matters worse.
“No.” Madison turned and walked away.
Ali watched in silence as Madison left her—once more. She clenched her jaw so hard she gave herself an instant headache. She took a large gulp of her coffee, hoping the caffeine would help. The fact that it was steaming hot and burned her tongue was no help at all.
Charley. She needed to talk to Charley. Ali typed out a text.
Ali: I’m at O’s and saw Madison, but she refuses to talk to me.
Charley: Oh baby. What are you going to do?
Ali: I’m more determined than ever to get answers from her. She actually said my accusation—her word—that she broke my heart was bullshit.
Charley: What? I am confused. Of course she broke your heart.
Ali: I’m confused too. She seems to be making shit up in her head. I think I’m going to sit here, all day if necessary, until she decides to talk to me. I’ll just order donuts all day.
Charley: Donuts?
Ali: Oh yeah. O’s is a donut shop.
Charley: Stupid name.
Ali: This whole thing is stupid.
Charley: Good luck, baby. You got this.
Ali: Thanks. I’ll call you later.
Lea reappeared. “Have you decided?” Ali ordered a half dozen assorted donuts. She added four small containers of flavored creamer to her coffee and took another tentative sip. A plethora of emotions coursed through her. Anger. Confusion. Determination. Attraction. Wait. What? Attraction? After everything Madison had done to her, she was still attracted to her? That just didn’t make sense. None of this made sense. Why was she even here?
But she knew the answer to that. She was here because she needed answers. And she was determined to get them. No matter how long it took.
Chapter Six
I’ll be in my office for a few minutes,” Madison said to Valerie. “You and Lea okay for a bit without me?”
“Of course. Everything all right?”
Madison just nodded. She closed the office door behind her, slumped into her chair, and clenched her fists. What the hell? What the actual hell? What did Ali think she was doing showing up here and demanding to talk to her?
Madison let out a growl through clenched teeth and slammed her fist on the desk, sending a cup of pens and pencils flying. “You okay in there, boss?” Francis said, standing in the doorway.
“Yep. Just dropped something. I’m fine,” Madison answered. But she was far from fine. She was furious. Ali didn’t want to talk to her after high school, Madison certainly wasn’t going to give her that chance now. When Ali cut off all communication, Madison had been devastated. Devastated! The only feeling she had for Ali now was hate. She knew she needed to work on letting that go. The only person hate would hurt was herself. But for now, she wanted to cling to that feeling. It was the only thing that felt real. It was like she was living in the twilight zone.
“I hurt her?” she whispered. “How the hell does she figure that?”
You have fun rewriting history, Ali. Your history belongs to you—have at it. My history belongs to me and I choose to keep mine honest even with all the pain. So, fuck you. I stopped waiting for you a long time ago. That ship has sailed. I’m waiting for it to cross the horizon and be out of sight, once again. I am emptying my heart of you. Sail away.
Madison wondered how long Ali would stay in the donut shop before giving up and going back to whatever rock she had crawled out from under. She knew she couldn’t stay in her office much longer. The breakfast crowd was winding down, but the lunch crowd would be revving up soon. They had expanded to serving soup, sandwiches, and pizza several years ago, greatly increasing business. She gave herself twenty minutes to get her anger under control and quietly slipped back behind the counter.
Ali was still there, quietly munching on donuts and looking at her phone. Madison gave herself permission to take in the woman her teenage lover had become. Her once long light brown hair now hung a few inches above her shoulders. No gray in sight. Madison suspected that was due to a good dye job. In fact, Ali’s hair looked a shade or two lighter than it was in high school. Definitely dyed.
She couldn’t count the number of times she had run her hands through that hair, feeling its silky texture and smelling faintly of vanilla scented shampoo. She rubbed her hands together trying to dislodge the memory. Ali had put on a few pounds, but the extra weight looked good on her. Up close, Madison had noticed the same deep blue eyes she’d remembered. She was still attractive. Madison found it infuriating.
The day seemed to drag on while customers came and went and still Ali sat there. Lea left at four o’clock, and when Ellie, the new girl, came in for her shift, Madison assigned her the booth Ali was in, even though she was technically still in training. Madison didn’t plan on going near that table again. Madison’s day didn’t end until closing time at eight o’clock. Of course, Ali would show up on her one long day of the week.
Maybe she should just sit down and let Ali talk so she would leave. Madison wasn’t sure if she could control her temper, which was usually pretty mild, if Ali said anything else stupid, which Madison was sure she would. She made up her mind to wait until the shop closed and if Ali was still there, she would give her a few minutes to state her case and then send her packing, hopefully never to be seen again.
Just as she had pre
dicted, Ali was still sitting there, nine hours after she had arrived. She had determination. Madison would give her that. Valerie’s shift had ended two hours ago. Only Ali, Ellie, and Madison remained.
Ali stretched her arms above her head. Her back was stiff, and her butt was sore, but it was closing time and Madison would have no choice but to talk to her now—or call the police to get her out.
She watched as the last customer walked out the door and Madison turned the sign in the window around to read CLOSED. Ellie hung up her apron and whispered something to Madison, nodding in Ali’s direction. Madison must have told her it was okay to leave because she exited through the back.
Madison continued to stack menus, straighten chairs, and even sweep the floor, avoiding the booth Ali occupied. Ali half expected her to turn off the lights and leave with Ali still inside. She was surprised when Madison set the broom aside and slid into the booth across from her.
She sat there with her hands folded in front of her, staring at Ali but not saying a word. Now that she had Madison’s full attention she didn’t know where to start. There were so many things she wanted—needed—to know. Why had Madison chosen Howard over her? Was anything they had real? Was Madison straight? Bi? Had she ever meant anything to her?
“Why? Why wasn’t I enough?” Ali said, surprising herself that that was her first question. She willed the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes to back off.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Madison laughed sarcastically.
Ali couldn’t believe her reaction. “Is this a joke to you? You broke my heart, Madison.”
“And how exactly did I do that when you were the one who took off without even saying good-bye. You were the one who ignored my emails and phone calls. I tried to reach out to you in so many ways. So many times. Tell me exactly why you were the one with the broken heart?”
“Because you chose Howard over me. Don’t act like that didn’t happen.” Her heart pounded in her chest and she found it hard to breathe.