by Radclyffe
I watch her examine the menu, her straightened hair falling over her face. She looks angelic. Suddenly, I can’t remember why it didn’t work out with her.
“I wonder how the salads are. Do you know what you’re getting?”
“I hear the burgers are really good.”
Her nose wrinkles. “You’ll never lose those last ten pounds if you keep eating like that.”
Now I remember. Satan in disguise.
After dinner, we walk out of the restaurant together. When we reach my car, we stand around, arms folded, looking everywhere but at each other.
“Well, it was nice seeing you again.”
“You want to come home with me?”
We speak at the same time, so it takes me a moment to register her question. Go home with her? Is she serious?
I shake my head. “I don’t think that’d be very smart. But thanks for asking.”
She snorts. “Who said anything about smart?” She steps close. “I’m asking if you want to come back to my place and have some no-strings-attached fun. Like we used to.” She presses me against the car and kisses me like we’re already in bed and not in a crowded parking lot.
When she pulls away, my knees are shaking. “Ah. Fun. You should’ve said.”
She grins. “I’ll meet you there.” She gives me another kiss. “Don’t keep me waiting.”
Note to Self: Ex-sex is the best sex. Ever.
I share this insight with Raquel and Merrill the next time we go out. Happy hour used to be my and Raquel’s tradition, but once she started dating Merrill, we became a threesome. And lately, Merrill’s been pushing me to find a fourth, hence the run-in with Kizzy.
“Well, was it good?” Merrill leans forward, her eyes bright with curiosity.
Raquel slaps her arm. “It doesn’t matter! She fucked Pyscho Kizzy.” She turns her wrath back on me. “What were you thinking? You should have left as soon as she walked up.”
Truthfully, I’d been thinking that it had been a while since I’d had another girl in my bed, something Raquel doesn’t know much about. Part of me wanted to show Jessalyn née Kizzy what a fabulous girl she missed out on. Another piece of me had melted when I saw her and couldn’t remember why Raquel had to steal my phone so I wouldn’t keep calling her. Raquel was great during that whole ordeal. So supportive, staying up with me until late at night, always there with a friendly hug and a kind word.
Now she doesn’t look so accommodating. “I hope it was worth it.”
A memory surfaces of Kizzy’s face between my legs. Fucking amazing, but somehow I don’t think that’s what she wants to hear.
Merrill lights a cigarette. “Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I thought you two would hit it off.” She takes a deep drag. “Next time I’ll do better.”
Not only do I not want her to set me up with anybody she knows ever again, but I have my own suspicions about why she’s so hot for me to get a date. Before I can speak, Raquel cuts me off.
“I thought you were quitting?”
Merrill shrugs and takes a puff. “I’ve been quitting all day. It’s time for a break.” She winks at me.
Raquel slumps back in her seat, arms folded. I know that look, she’s pissed. “Merrill, we talked about this. You promised.”
“Damn it, it is one fucking cigarette.”
“It’s always one fucking cigarette!”
And they’re off in another of their excessively dramatic arguments. I sip my drink and try to pretend I’m invisible, like I’m not really watching the hurt spread across my best friend’s face as she pleads with Merrill, who’s storming away from the table.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to start a fight in front of you.” She puts her face in her hands and starts to cry.
It’s not like I haven’t seen it before. “It’s okay.” I slide in next to her and wrap my arm around her shoulders.
She looks up at me, runny mascara streaking her cheeks. She’s saying something, but I only notice how brown her eyes are, how she bites her lips when she’s upset. How soft her mouth must be.
She wipes her face and I snap out of it. “Honestly, sometimes I wonder where we’re really going. I mean, all we do is argue and make up and fight again. What kind of a relationship is that?”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her to dump Merrill on her ass and find someone new, preferably me, but my sensible side keeps still. Instead, I shrug noncommittally.
Merrill comes back to the table, fresh drinks in hand. “I’m sorry, baby.”
Raquel sniffs, looking at her girlfriend. “Me too.”
“I really am trying. I just get tense.”
“I know. I should be more supportive.”
“I love you.” Merrill kisses her temple. “You’re the only girl for me, you know that.”
“I love you too.”
“Will you dance with me?”
Raquel nods and follows her to the dance floor. I repress the urge to gag, instead plastering a smile on my face. They look so close on the floor, I’m envious. I wish it were my hands resting on Raquel’s bottom, my chin that her head snuggles into. But Merrill’s the one holding her and I’m left cradling the purses.
Note to self: Get over Raquel. For real this time.
My vow to move on from Raquel lasts about as long as Merrill’s promise to quit smoking. It’d be easier if Raquel weren’t my best friend and we didn’t do everything together.
“Okay, how about this one?”
The dress looks the same as the first three she tried on. “It’s fine. Just pick something, please.”
She examines herself in the mirror. “I don’t look fat in this?”
“No, you’re perfect.”
“Merrill told me I should lay off the dessert for a while.”
“Merrill’s a bitch.” And a blind one at that.
She smiles. “I knew you’d say that. Hang on. I have one more I want to try.”
“Just hurry up.” I’m almost out of magazines and my foot’s fallen asleep.
“Hey, I know that last date was a disaster, but I think I found someone you’ll really like.”
Jeez, not her too. “Could you two stop trying to set me up? I can find my own dates.”
Her voice sounds muffled. “I know. I just want to see you happy.”
Then stop fucking around with Merrill and notice me! Shit, does that sound as pathetic as I think it does?
“Ta-da! What do you think?”
I can’t answer her immediately. I’m too busy checking out the way the thin material drapes over her full curves. Merrill’s an idiot if she doesn’t appreciate how gorgeous Raquel is.
“That’s the dress.”
“Sweet!” She twirls around the room. “That’s a relief; I was beginning to think I wasn’t going to find anything to wear.” She pulls me off the bed and drags me with her. “You are truly the best friend a girl could ever have.”
I’m thankful I’m not a guy, because right about now I’d be trying to find a textbook to hide behind. As it is, my pulse feels like a runaway train and I’ve started to sweat from the exertion of appearing unaffected.
“Seriously, Dani. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I don’t want you to find a girlfriend. It’s selfish, I know. I keep thinking, what’ll happen to me when you find that special girl and you’re no longer around when I need you?”
I pull her close to me and give her a hug. “I’ll always be there for you.” I lean back and look her in the eyes. “Always.”
She pushes the stray hairs from my face, a contemplative look on her face. I can’t breathe, much less move. All I see is her mouth come toward mine, then suddenly I feel the brush of her lips. Soft. Sweet. Tender.
We kiss again. Firmly. Urgently. Her fingers entwine in my hair, my hands caressing her back as her tongue explores my mouth.
Still, my brain won’t totally let me enjoy the moment. “Raquel—”
She silences me with a tug at my shirt. “Take it off.”
Note to Self: When the girl you’ve been lusting after forever wants to fuck you, shut up and let her.
And so I strip, falling into her on the bed, loving the way her body feels against me, a bundle of creamy brown curves pressed against my flesh. The heat of her cunt warming my thigh as she straddles me. She hasn’t shed the dress and I don’t want her to. I want to fuck her in the dress that was meant for Merrill, the dress that the self-centered bitch wouldn’t be able to appreciate, make her come and leave my mark on it so that every time she wears it, she’ll think of me.
I loosen the top enough so her breasts spill out and grasp a nipple between my lips. She moans and leans closer until I’m almost smothered by the flesh pressed against my face. Her hardened nubs occupy my mouth as my hands sneak under the skirt to explore her body. My nails scratch a trail down her slightly rounded stomach, until she grunts and shoves my hand farther down. Already, the heat from her pussy warms my hands and the merest stroke leaves my finger covered with her juice.
With great reluctance, I leave her lip-gloss-streaked nipples and lay her down on the bed. “Come here,” I whisper.
Her eyes close as I kneel before her splayed body. I open her lips gently and inhale her earthy scent as arousal washes over me. My finger slips easily inside and as she opens her legs farther, I add another and caress her from the inside. I’m torn. I want to draw it out, tease her the way she’s been teasing me all these months, but then she moans my name and I can’t make her wait any longer.
She tastes like ambrosia and I suck at her clit like I’m receiving sustenance from the gods themselves. All too soon, she’s tensing and shuddering. She grasps my free hand as the orgasm hits her. I crawl next to her and kiss her soft mouth, wondering what happens next. Wanting her to touch me before she snaps back to reality and the dream has to end.
I needn’t have worried. She squeezes my ass and then straddles me, kissing a trail down my spine.
“Dani.” Her hand makes its way between my legs, stroking me where I need it most.
“Now. Please.” I push my hips up toward her until I feel her tongue make contact with my cunt.
That’s the last we speak until we collapse, spent, next to each other and drift off, limbs entwined. When I wake, she’s still sleeping and the dress is twisted around her waist. Reluctantly, I slip out of bed and pull the covers around her neck. The reality of the situation is starting to sink in. It’s amazing how clear and ugly things become after an orgasm.
Note to Self: When your best friend decides to fuck you in a moment of insanity, don’t do it. Seriously. Not a good idea.
Three days later, my phone rings. It’s Raquel. It’s the first I’ve heard from her since The Incident. Even though I’ve tried to call her, I just chicken out and hang up. What would I say anyhow? Sorry for jumping you, I couldn’t resist your tits in that gown? Any way you put it, it comes off bad.
“Hello?”
“I’m downstairs. I want to come in.” There’s no warmth to her command, so I hit the buzzer and wait for her to come to the door.
She looks pissed. “Hi,” I offer tentatively.
“Next time leave cash.”
“What?”
“Next time you fuck me and run out without having the decency to say good-bye, leave some money on the dresser.”
“I…I didn’t know what to say.” It sounds lame even to my ears.
“Bye. Thanks for the sex. I lo—I don’t know, anything.”
“I’m sorry.”
She folds her arms and stares at me. “I know.”
I don’t know if she’s referring to my apology or me. “We made a mistake?”
“Did we?”
Did we? What kind of question is that? And then I’m reminded of my drama with Kizzy, the constant push-pull, fuck me, fuck you power struggle. I don’t want to go through that with Raquel. “I don’t know, Raquel. It’s your relationship, you tell me. You’re the one with a girlfriend.”
“I know.”
“I just know that you’re my best friend. And what happened… we never should have crossed that line. Look, we’ve always said we never wanted to be those girls that constantly hook up with their friends.”
She sighs. “Yeah.”
“So, let’s not do that now.”
“I thought maybe you…I don’t know, maybe I’m imagining things.”
No, she’s not. I know it, but I’m too chickenshit to say it, even though it’s almost cruel to deny her the validation she’s looking for.
We look at each other for a long minute, our gaze saying everything we can’t bring ourselves to put into words.
Finally, she looks away. “So it was a fluke.”
“Heat of the moment.”
“Completely out of our system.” She looks at me slyly. “It was pretty hot.”
I shrug. She looks offended. “You don’t think so?”
“Eh. Why else do you think I snuck out?”
She slapped my arm and we burst into laughter, pretending to be past that awkwardness and back to our natural rhythm.
“Want to go to happy hour with us?”
“Pass.” So not interested in watching her cuddle with Merrill. “Next time, I promise.”
“Okay.” She looks sad. She gives me a hug, our usual good-bye ritual, but this time our bodies seem stuck together. Her heart thuds against my chest and I feel her hair brush against my cheek as she turns her face into me.
We stand there, mouths inches apart, for an indeterminably long period of time. One kiss can’t possibly hurt, right?
“Dani?”
Carefully and reluctantly, I push her away. “Merrill’s waiting for you.”
She nods and gropes for her purse. “Bye, Dani.”
And then she goes, leaving me alone in my tiny kitchen.
A week later, I still haven’t made it to happy hour or any of our other usual hangouts. Worse, Raquel hasn’t come to drag me out either. But Kizzy hasn’t been so silent.
“Dani? Hi, it’s Jessalyn. Well, Kizzy, I guess we know each other too well for that. Anyhow, I had a great time with you last week and I was hoping we can do it again soon. Movie, coffee, it’s up to you. Call me.”
Delete. Next message.
“Dani, it’s me again. I know you’re busy, but I’d really like to see you again. I just keep thinking about you and I realized…I still love you. I was stupid to let you go. Call me, please.”
I hit the Erase button so forcefully the machine clatters against the counter. Is this how my life is going to turn out? Doomed to fall for women when they’re emotionally or logistically unavailable only for the affection to be returned when I no longer want it?
Note to Self: Women have an innate ability to sense when your life is at its shittiest and pick that time to make it worse.
The phone rings. I recognize Merrill’s number. With a sigh, I pick up.
“Hello?”
“I want you to come to dinner tonight. I’ve got a surprise for Raquel and I know she’ll want you to share the day with us.”
My stomach drops. Surprise? That doesn’t sound like anything good.
“Yeah, I guess I can come out.”
“Great! I’m so nervous. I just want everything to be perfect. It’s at Mari’s at seven. I’ve got a table.”
“Mari’s, seven,” I repeat dutifully.
“Oh, can you pick her up and bring her?”
“Sure. Merrill, what’s the surprise?”
She laughs. “I’m not gonna say. Let’s just say, if all goes well, you’ll be helping her pick out a new set of china. Oh, and don’t worry, I’ve got something for you too.” The phone clicks off.
China? The only time I know people waste money on that is for—The word floats in my mind like a caricature bubble. Marriage? Merrill and Raquel? My Raquel? No fucking way!
Note to Self: Fuck!!!
Raquel and I pull into Mari’s at exactly seven. She’s been talking about something, but I haven’t been able to focus.
I don’t know what to say, but I can’t let her go without one last attempt to make things right.
Finally, she notices something’s off. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing. Everything. Are you in love with Merrill?”
“What? Dani, what’s going on?”
I straighten up and look her in the eye. “Just answer me. I need to know. More importantly, if you go in there, you need to know.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I can’t tell you.”
She folds her arms and gives me The Look. I take a deep breath. “Merrill’s going to propose.”
“What?” She looks at me incredulously. “Don’t play with me.”
“I’m serious.”
“She said that? She actually said marriage?”
“Well, no, not in so many words. But it was pretty damn clear.”
She sits back in the seat. “Oh.”
I’m puzzled as to her lack of outrage and then it hits me. “You’re not seriously considering it?”
“Why shouldn’t I?”
What kind of question is that? “Because she’s all wrong for you! And you know it.”
“I know that she doesn’t hide her feelings from me, no matter what they are. Is it love? Who knows? It’s not perfect, but at least I know where I stand with her.”
I don’t miss the barb. “That sounds…pathetic, if you want to know the truth.”
“I don’t think you’re one to talk about pathetic.”
I grab her arm as she fumbles for the latch. “At least I’m trying here.”
She whips back around. “Trying to what? What exactly are you trying to do?”
My tongue feels stuck and I’m struck silent by the force of her anger.
“That’s what I thought.” With a last venomous look, she hops out of my car and disappears inside, leaving me banging my head against the steering wheel.
I make it inside in time to see Merrill kissing Raquel hello. When they break apart, Raquel sits in the chair Merrill pulls out for her and starts examining the menu.
“Hi, Dani.” A silky voice startles me. I turn around and come face-to-face with Kizzy.
“What are you doing here?” I don’t have it in me to be polite, but she doesn’t seem to notice.
“Merrill invited me,” she purrs as she kisses my cheek. She looks at the couple talking at the table. “They’re so sweet, aren’t they?”