by Zarik
“Go ahead, Tsarina. What are ye waiting for?” Zarik pushed further.
She felt on display all over again. It was the night he refused her in front of most of his clan. The feeling made her feel as if the walls were closing in on her. “He did ask me. Zarik did try, in his way, to apologize.”
The three men looked again from Tsarina to Zarik, waiting for them to say more of what happened.
“What could be the reason ye would say nay, lass?” Argus asked, looking confused.
“I was…well, kind of not recovered from the embarrassment from the hall that night that he dismissed me like I was an animal. Actually, I’ve seen the way he treats Rage. I felt treated way worse than his animal. That’s when the initial gossip got worse. I try to ignore it, but everyone wonders what is going on with me. Why I’m here. What my purpose is freeloading on MacKinnon wealth.” Tsarina sighed. She felt worthless. If she were the lady of the keep, it would be different. They’d have to accept her because of Zarik.
“I told her I’d protect her with my life, Da. I told her all the MacKinnon men would. I told her she’d never be hungry or in need of clothing or coin. I’d see her warm. It wasn’t enough.” Zarik’s temper was rising yet again as he felt he was admitting weakness. “And if any of the others hear or know about this, I’ll gut each one of ye. What’s said here stays in this room and goes to the grave with each of us.”
Each man nodded. While Tsarina was feeling tears burn her eyes. She fought to keep them from flowing.
“Zarik, I want love. I don’t care about coin or the other stuff. I’d definitely not want anyone to sacrifice their life for mine. I don’t think I could live with the guilt.” Tsarina knew she’d never be okay with anyone dying for her.
“I cannae give ye that, lassie. And I ken ye say ye dunnae want coin and the other stuff. But go a few months without it and ye’ll be singing a different tune.” Zarik thought, for a moment, his heart would break with the look Tsarina gave him.
“Why do you not want anyone to love? To love and be loved in return is the greatest feeling. To have someone to share the good and the bad with. Someone you know will be there no matter what you’ve done or not done. Acceptance and love, Zarik. Why do you fear it?” Tsarina felt overly dramatic after she spoke, but she couldn’t stop herself. She knew she cared greatly for Zarik, even with the amount of time he avoided her. Somewhere, deep inside of her, she knew she was to be with him. Zarik was her one. She'd never believed in that before, but so much had changed with her new life.
“Tsarina, don’t.” Zarik warned her. He didn’t discuss love and feelings. Emotions were terrible things that twisted and confused your thoughts. He wouldn’t start wearing a skirt now and crying in his ale. “Argus, she wanted me on my knees, begging for her hand in marriage.”
Tsarina’s gasp was loud enough to easily be heard. “I didn’t ask you to beg.”
“Nay, perhaps not, but ye wished me to get on my knees and ask ye to marry me. Ye may as well included begging in there as well, lass. Neither will ever happen.”
“I just wanted a fairy tale wedding. I watched all my friends marry while I focused on college and sick parents. Then finding a job and trying to pay off medical bills. For once, just once, I wanted to be the princess with the knight in shining armor.” Tsarina was convinced she sounded pathetic. When she looked up from the floor, which she’d been staring at for quite some time, she saw the sad faces looking back at her. Even Zarik. It was as much emotion, well emotion that wasn’t anger, she’d seen from him in the last year.
Now she’d really never be able to show her face. Tsarina wanted to go home.
“Argus, is there no way you can just help me get back to my real home? My real time?” Tsarina pleaded with the old man. “Please. I'm beginning to cause trouble here and am becoming miserable.”
“Nay, lass. Ye belong here. We’ll get it all figured out.” Argus looked confident.
Tsarina knew she didn’t look anywhere near as convinced. Generally she tried to put on her happy face, but today, she just couldn’t do it. “Zarik, you don’t want to be married. You want battle and blood and power. There’s no room in your life for love. Only duty. I don’t want to spend my life like that. I understand I can't be first, but I refuse to be last. Maybe the best thing, since Argus won’t send me home,” Tsarina looked sternly at Argus who looked at his shoes, “is for me to marry Tor. He doesn’t seem to see me as an impediment to his battles.”
“I’d still be happy to marry ye, lass.” Tor spoke bravely after the pummeling he just got from his brother.
“Like hell ye will!” Zarik exploded and went to lunge at Tor.
Tsarina jumped in front of Zarik. He had to stop and grab her by the shoulders to keep from knocking her over. “No, we won’t be doing this again. Not everything is about you Zarik. You’ve refused me in front of your clan. How would you fix that? How would you explain marrying me? No one would ever believe you wanted me after refusing. They’d think you were forced to suffer a life married to me. I don’t want to feel that way or to have the gossips act as though I’m some horrible person. I’ll marry Tor and we’ll be happy.”
****
As Tsarina put her arm in Tor’s to allow him to lead her upstairs, Zarik felt as though someone had stepped on his chest and sucked the breath, and quite possibly life, right out of him. Although he blamed Tor, he knew it was slightly ill placed. The fault was his own. He'd denied her in front of his clan. That was no easy thing to live down, yet she'd managed it well. Zarik knew it would be questioned as to why he suddenly wanted her. They'd think he'd gotten her with child and had no option other than to marry.
No matte the outcome, someone was going to be unhappy.
****
Tsarina sat in the chair in front of her fire place for at least a week. She tried to wrap her thoughts around marrying Tor instead of Zarik. She went down to meals to eat, but tasted nothing. She didn’t go to the loch or to the stables.
In a few weeks she would marry Tor. Tsarina cared for him, of course. And she’d learned he could be a lot of fun. He laughed freely and played and teased her. When he wasn’t training or hunting or off to battle, he was with her as much as he could be. She didn't feel like a burden. Tsarina also didn't feel quite right. The spark was missing. Her skin didn't ignite each time Tor brushed a hand against her.
Tor gave Tsarina all the attention Zarik never did.
So why was she so miserable?
Tsarina hadn’t seen Zarik at any of the meals, even though she’d not missed one. She couldn’t manage her cheery face, but she still ate and talked politely as was expected of her.
Why was Zarik nowhere to be found? Avoiding one another wouldn’t help matters. After all, he didn’t really want a wife. She was doing him a favor.
****
Drostan and Caelan went into the pub they were almost positive Zarik would be at. It had the cleanest whores, so it only made sense. They each sat at a table in the far corner to search for their friend. He’d not been himself for over a week now. He gave excuse after excuse for training less and not being at the keep. He’d not been at a meal since Tsarina had accepted Tor’s proposal.
“Where do ye think the dumb arsehole is?” Caelan asked as he took a long drink.
“Oh, I’d say he’s here. I just dinnae ken where.” Drostan took the refilled mug from the woman and pulled out a few extra coins. “Ye wouldn’t know where my friend is, would ye? He’s about this tall.” Drostan stood up and put his hand slightly above his head. “And he’s blond hair and blue eyes. Verra well built from years of battle. Ye’d remember him.”
He watched as the bar wench looked from side to side, contemplating. Yes, he was positive Zarik was here or at least had been. “Well, lassie?” Drostan jingled the coins in his hand.
“He be upstairs. Second floor, third door down.” She hurriedly snagged the coin from his hand and ran back to the kitchen area.
“Well, that was easy enough.” Cael
an grinned as they both downed the rest of their drinks and got up to find their friend.
When they got to the room, the noise they heard was unmistakable. A woman was moaning and crying out and there was a banging, likely from the bed, from Zarik pounding into the lass.
Drostan looked as his friend. “I paid to find where he was; ye get to knock on the door.”
Caelan shook his head. “Can I just give ye back the coin?” They both laughed as Caelan knocked on the door.
No answer.
Again, Caelan knocked.
No answer.
The third time, Caelan pounded so hard that a dead man would have answered the door if he’d been in the room.
Still no answer.
Shrugging, Caelan pulled out coin, tossed it at the man watching them that cleaned the rooms for the bar, and kicked the door in.
“Chirst, Zarik! Cover yerself. I dinnae want to see your bullocks.” Drostan groaned as they went inside the room.
Caelan and Drostan shook their heads as they watched their friend slam into a wee sized whore which he’d bent over the table in the room. “Ye could have at least taken her in the bed. Yer to be Laird soon. Have a little tact.” Caelan pointed out.
Zarik still acted as though he’d heard nothing and continued until he finally spent his seed. Turning around, he grabbed a cloth and wiped off his cock. “I’ll have a bath brought up again.” He tossed the whore more coin after she had pulled on her shift. Zarik had been seeing her almost daily and she knew the routine.
Once she’d left the room, he turned his focus onto his friends. His annoying and nosy friends. “Why are ye here? I dinnae send fer ye.”
“It seems as though ye need us, Zarik.” Drostan told him as he eyed the small room.
“Nay, I’m perfectly fine at fucking. Mayhap it was ye and Caelan in need of tips?” Zarik eyed them both, not bothering to reach for his clothing.
“So, ye dinnae have the bullocks to get yer woman back. Ye dip yerself into a whore each night. What are ye waiting for? Yer cock to fall off from some disease? When ye get with Tsarina, how will ye explain all of this?” Caelan couldn’t hide his disgust.
“I’d hold yer tongue. And I'll no ever be explaining anything to a lass.” Zarik seethed.
“This from the naked man who’s so deep into his cups that I’m surprised his cock even got hard? The man that’s making a fool out of his Da because one day he’ll be Laird and cannae manage to act like a man. Yer a fookin’ coward.” Caelan met Zarik’s step forward.
“Ye forget yerself, Caelan.” Zarik took another step closer.
“Nay, I think it’s ye that has forgotten who ye are. Tsarina would be disappointed.” Caelan knew he took a huge chance bringing her up again.
Drostan walked between the two. “Now, Zarik, we’re no here to fight ye. We just want to help. We need to right the things that are going wrong before it’s too late. Ye aren’t happy without Tsarina. We can see that and it’s all right. There’s still time to fix it.”
“She wants to marry me brother. How is that all right?” Zarik sat in on the bed and put his head in his hands.
“Tsarina is doing what she thinks is best. She’s heard the gossip of how she does nothing and hasn’t been forced to take a husband. She was even refused in front of the clan. Or have ye forgotten? She's no happy either, Zarik. She's doing what must be done.” Drostan sat in one of the chairs in the room.
“I’ve no forgotten. I can’t seem to drink it away. I didnae mean to do that to her.” Zarik's admission clearly surprised both him and his friends.
“I ken it. Ye just weren’t thinking. Only of yer own survival and no of anyone else’s. It seems ye’ve become right the selfish bastard.” Caelan pointed out as he took the only other chair in the room.
“She just makes me not able to think. I dinnae care for it.” Zarik shook his head. “I lead ye all to battle. I need be clear in the head. With her, I cannae seem to be. All I see is her.”
Caelan and Drostan nodded at one another. Now they just might be getting somewhere. He admitted she affected him.
“Besides, she’s now betrothed to me brother. I’d not hurt him to try to force her into marriage.” Zarik was trying to be logical. They’d already announced the wedding for Tor and Tsarina. “And force it would need be as she's refused me. I think she'll no be saying aye anytime soon.”
“Aye, my friend. I can see yer point. But, he doesnae love her. So, he’d not be hurt. He wants ye to be with the lass. He's doing what he feels to be the right thing in all of this mess.” Drostan hoped they could convince him to see reason.
“Nay, she doesnae want me. I dinnae love her either, not she me.” Zarik picked up his kilt and put it on, deciding to skip the bath that was taking far too long to get hot water for.
“Ye really going to tell yerself that? Yer cheating her and yerself out of happiness.” Caelan told him.
“Warriors dinnae love, Caelan. Ye ken it.” Zarik then looked at Drostan. They’d been friends forever and most of that time; Drostan had been madly in love with his wife. As children he’d even take her flowers he’d find in the fields and forests.
“I should run ye through for that, Zarik. I love me wife and it’s no made me weaker. Has it?” Drostan looked at Zarik and waited for the shake of his head. “It’s made me stronger. Real love. When ye want to come home and death is nay an option. I'd go through anything to get back home to me Jenny.”
“I’m not running through a bunch of whores, ye ken. I’ve been seeing this same one each time I’m here.” Zarik didn’t know why he felt the need to explain himself. He’d never done it before.
“And that makes it all well and good? So, what are ye going to do to fix yer mess?” Caelan asked.
“My mess? It’s no mine. It was, but I already tried to fix it. I’ll not be made an arse by her again. She told me no. Demanded me on my knees.” Zarik looked at his friends as though his last sentence explained everything.
“Zarik, I proposed to my wife that way.” Drostan admitted.
“Ye did? How come no one knew?” Caelan asked before Zarik could. This was news to him too.
“Because it was private, between Jenny and I. No one knows. In private, ye’ll learn that ye’ll do damn near anything for a woman ye love. And ye’ll also learn, if she loves ye back, she’ll keep your secret to her death and beyond. It's not to be ashamed of. It's something to honor.”
“Anything?” Zarik didn’t realize how hooked Drostan was. And it was true, he was still every bit the warrior he had been. Perhaps even more so. Could having someone to come home to and wrap your arms around actually make you better rather than weaker?
“Aye, absolutely anything.” Drostan smiled and grabbed his sword and led his friends down the stairs, out of the bar and back to the keep. He made certain to dunk Zarik in the loch, several times, before allowing anyone in the keep to see their soon to be laird in such a state.
Chapter Seven
Current time
Trystan slammed the front door and punched the wall across from him. It had been several months since he had finally given in and moved Tsarina’s stuff out of her house and into storage. He hadn’t given up on finding his sister; he just figured it was time to be a little more practical. Although, she’d surely kill him for getting rid of her place. She had loved it. But, paying on his home and hers was becoming stupid.
Still there was no word on her. No sign of her anywhere. Not in this country or in Scotland. Trystan had argued with police, hired detectives on his own dime and splashed flyers across towns anywhere within one thousand miles.
Nothing.
No one with a clue, no one remembering seeing her.
The cops had even tossed her case aside. Not closing it, but no longer actively pursuing it.
She couldn’t have just vanished into thin air.
Kaeden and Trystan’s friendship had become tense since Tsarina’s disappearance. Kaeden felt he should be long over this and just a
ccept that she’d likely not be found and if she was, it wouldn’t be any condition he’d want her to be in. It was terrible, but it was time to be realistic. The odds were not in their favor.
Tsarina couldn’t be dead. Trystan wouldn’t accept that.
Trystan finished packing his last suitcase and impatiently waited for his house sitter to arrive. He was going to Scotland. All he had was what they told him. He couldn’t see that they were looking for her. So, he’d go there and spend his season break from the NFL in Scotland. The land his sister loved so much that may have taken her from him for good.
Since their parents had passed on, they were all they had. Though he’d get frustrated with his sister, he loved her dearly. They’d always been close. Trystan smiled as he remembered his mom, during her last months of life, reminding the two of them that they fought more as adults than they ever had as children.
Tom, their dad, died a year and a half before their mother. He went to sleep one night and never woke up. Their mom had been devastated.
Two years prior to Tom’s passing, Nadine, their mom, had been diagnosed with liver cancer. She was told she wouldn’t make it a year. She made it three and a half, though the last year had been torture on Trystan and Tsarina. They had watched her fade away and it had ripped them both apart. In that time, their mom worked incessantly to make them close again. To let them know they still had one another and they needed to take comfort in that.
Trystan shook his head from the sad thoughts when he heard the doorbell. He quickly gave instruction and cash to his house sitter and darted out the door and off to the airport.
****
Once Trystan landed in Edinburgh, he went directly to the police station. He’d settle in later, if at all. He would never find comfort in the place that took his sister from him.
If she hadn’t loved Scotland so much, would she have turned down the trip? Had her passion for the land and stones took her from him? What if…
Trystan shook his head again. What if’s weren’t going to bring his sister home. He needed to focus.