“What’s wrong?”
Sean’s worried words brought my eyes up to his, and I knew he read what I was about to say before I said it.
“Ellen…”
I held up my hand. “I can’t do this. You’re a great guy. You’re sweet, nice and funny. You’re going to make some woman a great husband one day, but that woman will not be me. I can’t do this anymore.”
Sean’s hand came up to cup my face, but I stepped away.
“No.”
He looked at me as if I’d burned him.
My eyes closed.
“It’s not you, it’s me,” I whispered.
He laughed darkly. “Words that no man ever wants to hear, but oddly enough, I’ve heard that before.”
My eyelids slid open, and I stared at the man who was obviously upset in front of me.
“I’m sorry.”
The words were barely a whisper.
But I knew. The moment that I saw him, Jessie, I knew that I couldn’t do this with Sean anymore. It only took one single eye lock between Jessie and I to realize that what Sean and I had wasn’t enough.
It’d been years since I’d last seen Jessie, and I knew, almost immediately, that what Sean and I had wasn’t working. This relationship wasn’t what I wanted or hoped it would be, and it wasn’t what I needed.
I wasn’t saying that Jessie was what I needed, but I couldn’t be with a man who I didn’t feel strongly about.
“Is there someone else?” he asked.
So, he had noticed my glances, even though I’d tried to hide them.
I opened my mouth to reply, but he held up his hand. He deserved to hear the truth, and he deserved to know exactly why I was ending things between us.
“Don’t answer that.”
I snapped my mouth shut and nodded once.
Sean lifted his arm and ran his hand through his hair.
“I’ll see you around some time.”
He shot me a pained look.
“Yeah,” he grunted. “We’ll see about that.”
With that he was gone, accelerating his motorcycle out of my neighborhood as fast as he could safely get out of there.
And I was left wondering why I just broke it off with a good guy who clearly cared about me.
But just thinking of Jessie made me realize that it would’ve never worked.
A man like Sean wouldn’t appreciate being compared to a man from my past, especially when he had absolutely no chance of ever living up to my teenage memories.
I pulled out my keys and walked into my house, grateful that I lived alone, because as soon as the door closed behind me, I burst into tears.
Chapter 4
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make everything your fault.
-An actual conversation between men
Ellen
One month later
I got my first look at Jessie’s son, and I realized that he looked just like his father did at that age, despite the color difference of his eyes.
“Nice to meet you, ma’am,” Linc said as he held his hand out to me.
I took it, refraining from saying that I’d already met him, and smiled at the boy-man.
He was already good-looking, and given time, he’d be breaking hearts left and right once he filled into that tall frame of his.
“Nice to meet you, too, Linc,” I said genuinely.
“How’d you know my name?”
My smile faltered.
“I heard it from some of the other members,” I lied.
His eyes scrutinized me for a few long seconds before he nodded once, turned toward the table that was groaning with the amount of food put on it, and gestured to the plate. “Hungry?”
Hopefully he didn’t catch on that I knew him way before he was able to remember that he did.
He eyed all of the food on the table and reached forward to grab some fruit.
I nearly laughed.
His dad would’ve done the same thing years ago. Given the choice between sweets, chips or fruit, he chose the fruit each and every time.
I turned away and surveyed the room as I waited for Linc to finish with his plate.
The moment he moved, I picked up my own plate, and my hands collided with another person reaching for a plate at the same time.
“Sorry,” I murmured.
Jessie didn’t even acknowledge me.
No eye flicker, no breathing heavier. No nothing.
He just looked at me so impassively that it made me wonder what I’d done to piss him off so badly. Why he’d left me without a word. Why he’d ripped my heart out, stomped on it, and probably laughed as he did it.
My hand burned where our skin had collided, and I idly wondered what in the hell I’d done to deserve this.
Everyone was mad at me. Sean couldn’t even stand to look at me. Tommy was pissed off that I’d hurt his fellow club member. Then there was Jessie. A man who I’d done nothing to, looking at me like I’d skinned his cat right in front of him.
I didn’t even know how to skin a cat!
I got my plate, hands shaking like an alcoholic’s looking for his next bottle, and took a seat at the far side of the patio.
There, I watched the crowd as they all had a good time.
Jessie was talking with his son and Big Papa, the president of this band of misfits, about some football game that had happened last week.
This Friday was, apparently, a huge game for them, and Linc, of course, was the star quarterback.
My stomach hurt.
Looking down at my plate, I realized that I’d eaten it all. I hadn’t even left a single crumb behind.
I threw the plate to the side, sickened with myself, yet again, for eating when I was so clearly in need of a goddamn run.
I should really, really stop stress-eating, but I couldn’t help it. My life, or what had become my life, wasn’t at all what I wanted.
I hated my job. Hated my house. Hated where I was living. And the worst part was seeing all these happy people around me while I was stuck in limbo.
I took one final look at Jessie, then I got up and walked out, choosing to go home to my crappy little house instead of staying here torturing myself.
***
Jessie
“Who’s the woman?”
I looked over at my son, just now realizing that I was staring after Ellen’s retreating form with worry etched all over my face.
As hard as I tried, I couldn’t wipe it off.
“Her name’s Ellen,” I murmured, glancing up at Sean as he watched me speculatively.
Shit.
“How do you know her?” my son asked at the worst possible time.
Kids did that, though. Asked questions.
There was one time when I took my then seven-year-old son out to get a Christmas tree, and he saw an old man with half an arm walking up to us. The man’s wife and grandchildren followed him, the two grandkids dragging the Christmas tree as they moved to the path where the tractor would pick them up.
Upon seeing the old man and his half an arm, my son, embarrassing the shit out of me, walked up to the man, pointed at his mangled stump and said, “That’s a pretty nasty looking arm.”
My hand had moved to cover my face as I’d tried to think of an apology that would make the guy realize that my kid was just being a kid and that he wasn’t normally that rude. At least not intentionally.
But the old man had waved off my apology before it could even leave my lips.
“Kids are kids,” the old man had said. “They don’t know better yet. I’d rather him ask than to be scared of it.”
Right now, though, my kid was sixteen-years-old and could clearly read the tension in the air surrounding us.
Did that stop my kid from continuing to put his foot further into it? Hell no.
“It was obvious to me that she knew you and that you know her,” he continued. “She watched you
the entire night, and when she was looking away, you took your turn. It was kind of nauseating, really.”
I glared at my son.
“How about you go home and get your homework done for tomorrow so you don’t fail your test,” I snapped.
Linc held up his hands. “I would, but I’m pretty sure my car’s blocked in.”
I handed him the keys to my motorcycle. “Go.”
He took them, not turning back, knowing that I’d just handed him my trust.
He had a motorcycle, of course. One that he and I had been fixing up since last year, when I’d bought it for him for Christmas. Technically, he wasn't allowed to drive it yet. He had to be 18 to legally ride the motorcycle, but none of the cops in this town would pull my kid over unless he was being a dumbass.
Then he deserved to be pulled over.
“So…” Sean said. “I kind of knew you had a thing for her, but I didn’t know you knew her.”
I was saved from answering by the ring of my phone, and I’d never been happier to be called in to work than I was at that moment.
“Yeah, I’ll be there in ten,” I grunted.
I waved apologetically at Sean, finishing the rest of my Dr. Pepper as I headed out.
Only to realize that I’d given my kid the keys to my bike not five minutes before.
“Shit,” I sighed, looking at Linc’s car, where it was being blocked by a red Nissan Maxima.
A red Maxima that had a distinctive form in the front seat.
One that was huddled into herself as she cried.
My heart stuttered, and my feet started moving before I could tell them not to.
I knocked on the window, and the moment she heard it, she startled as she looked up at me.
The tears in her eyes, being confirmed now that I could see her face, were enough to make me check my bad mood.
However, the moment she saw me, she started her car and reversed out of the parking spot as fast as she could.
With one final look at me out of her tear-filled eyes, she accelerated down the street, freeing up Linc’s car.
I gritted my teeth at the urge to follow her, instead driving to work and submersing myself in my job.
The moment I was finished, four hours later, I realized that I’d only held off the inevitable.
I was going to have to talk to her. I was going to have to discuss with her what had happened—not necessarily to smooth things over between us or to start our relationship back up where we’d left off, but to give her the closure she so obviously needed.
Chapter 5
Yoga…because boys like bendy.
-Fact of life
Ellen
Two months later
I smiled at Sean and his new woman, so freakin’ happy for him I could cry.
I thought that I’d broken something in him, but he’d gone and proved to me, and everyone else, that he could find someone who made him happy.
Though they were still in the early stages, I had no doubt in my mind that this relationship would be getting serious quickly.
It hurt a little bit that she looked at me like I was a rude cow who’d hurt Sean just to see him bleed.
I hadn’t.
But I wasn’t fooling myself, and I wouldn’t have fooled him. If he really looked closely at our relationship, he would’ve seen that I wasn’t giving it my all.
Though, now I could tell that he knew I had the hots for a man who didn’t have the hots for me.
I raised only my eyelashes to watch Jessie from my perch across the room.
It physically hurt to have him within reaching distance.
I looked away, studying the baseboards and wondering how long it would be acceptable to stay at a club event when my brother wasn’t even there.
He’d called me, about twenty minutes ago, to inform me that he was called into work, but I should go to the party anyway.
According to him, I was being antisocial and everyone missed me.
I highly doubted that.
If they’d missed me, they could’ve come to visit me. They didn’t.
I was alone.
I might go somewhere else. Visit some faraway place where I didn’t have to constantly see the man who still held my heart—after all of these years—at every turn.
“Dad!”
I turned my head to see Linc jogging toward where his father sat huddled around the group of men.
“Yeah?” He partially turned, and that was when I saw his face clearly for the first time that night.
He’d toned his beard down. Went to the barber shop or something, because those lines were way too clean and straight to say ‘I did this myself.’
“I got a call from the Sooners! They want me to play for them next year.”
Excitement started to bubble in my veins as I thought about Linc playing for one of the most prestigious football colleges in the entire United States.
My excitement dimmed when I caught Jessie looking at me. His face was blank, no longer the animated mask of excitement that’d been painted all over it just a few seconds prior.
He took one look at my face, curled his lip, and then turned so he could no longer look at me, but still hold a conversation with the men around him, as well as his son.
I felt utterly dejected.
I smoothed my skirt with shaking hands, bit my lip and finally decided that this was a mistake.
Only, my brother showed up just as I was about to take off, halting me before I could leave.
“Hey, where are you going?” He caught me by the arm.
I plastered on my fake grin that usually worked on him, and he smiled pleasantly before tossing one thick arm around my neck and pulling me into him.
He smelled sweaty, and I curled my nose up at him in disgust.
“You stink.” I cleared my throat when it hitched up.
Luckily, he didn’t notice, because, by that point, he’d dragged me into the main room again, allowing me to see Jessie clearly.
His eyes clashed with mine, and for just a second, I didn’t see that blank mask in his eyes.
I saw relief.
But the relief was gone in a flash, making me question whether I’d seen what I thought I had, or if it’d just been my imagination. My stupid hope getting the best of me.
“I brought a new card game!” Tommy announced to the room.
It was a party, yes, but this was a family one. One that meant it was only club members, and their families here.
Thank God.
I didn’t think I could handle seeing a woman rubbing up against Jessie’s side, as I’d had to see at the last event I’d been unfortunate enough to attend.
“And what is this card game?”
Tally, Tommy’s wife, drawled from the opposite side of the room where she was speaking with Sean’s new woman, Naomi.
My eyes skated away from the woman since she was glaring at me, too. She had done so each and every time I’d made eye contact with her over the last hour.
“It’s called Would You Rather?”
Groans filled the room.
“What’s Would You Rather?”
That was from Big Papa.
“It’s a game that gives you two different scenarios, neither of them good, and you have to choose which one you’d rather do. Such as: Would you rather fall, smack your face on the ground, and lose two teeth or would you rather sit down, fall asleep, and wake up with fire ants covering every inch of your body and crawling down your urethra.”
The room went silent at Jessie’s son’s words.
My gaze flashed to Jessie, who was trying hard not to laugh.
“That’s very interesting, kid. I think I’d rather lose my two front teeth,” Big Papa said.
“You can’t play this one,” Tommy Tom pointed at him. “It has adult language.”
Linc’s eyebrow rose, just like Jessie’s did, and he grinned.
Then he look
ed over at his father and the two of them shared a secret laugh.
My heart kicked at seeing the smile on the man’s face, and I clenched my hands into fists as I tried to look at anything but the gloriousness of that man wearing a grin.
Tommy walked forward and finally dropped his hand from around my neck, allowing me to stand up straight for the first time in five minutes.
I stretched my shoulder out and took a seat, trying to ignore the fact that Jessie and his son took a seat almost directly across the room from me.
Though they were as far away from me as they could get, they still were in the same room.
And just like it always did lately, my heart started to pound, and my cheeks started to flush.
Memories assaulted me, and I pulled my phone out to give myself something to do besides staring at my long-lost love, who now hated me.
Though my phone had changed a lot over the last fourteen years, I still had his number stored in my contacts.
Though, that was irrelevant. I didn’t forget his number.
Each year that went by, I knew that number. Knew it like I knew my middle name.
I pulled that number up now, knowing that he didn’t have it anymore.
I’d texted that number over and over throughout the years. One of the many times I’d tried calling it, about a year and a half after he’d left, I’d found it disconnected.
Now, the phone number was like my lifeline. Something I used when I needed to escape.
To talk to the boy that Jessie used to be, not the man he’d become. The one I didn’t know.
I pressed on his name in my address book, then typed out a text, hitting send before I could even think about it.
It was such a habit, to share my life with the disconnected phone number, that it never occurred to me that it actually might be in use at this point.
But, like the dumbass I was, I continued to do it.
I hate the new you. I miss the old you.
***
Jessie
I watched her out of the corner of my eye, her brother’s bulky arm wrapped around her neck as he kept her close to his body.
I should’ve fucking known, now that I thought about it.
Tommy Tom was actually Tommy Tomirkanivov. Ellen Tomirkanivov’s brother.
The girl that held my heart.
The Beard Made Me Do It (The Dixie Warden Rejects Book 5) Page 3