It was in the way she casually mentioned something pertaining to Jordan, or their three year history when she knew I was in ear shot. Or it could have been the way his Pi Sig brothers acted as though she were the goddamn prodigal son whenever they saw her, showing how perfectly she fit into that area of his life. It didn't help that pictures of her and Jordan graced the Chi Delta walls. Collages of the girls during past formals and mixers. Jordan and Olivia, the most beautiful couple on the planet front and center in all of them.
Most of the girls continued their Maysie Ardin freeze out. I wasn't exactly persona non grata, but I was pretty darn close. I wasn't included in random drink nights during the week. I wasn't sent the sorority wide texts to coordinate outfits for mixers. I barely got a hello when I walked in the house on the few occasions I had dared to show up.
Gracie and Vivian tried their hardest to make it easier for me. And god love them for it. But I could see playing for team Maysie was weighing on them as well. Because of their association with me, our sisters were less friendly to them. At least when I was around. I suspected things were fine once I had left and the girls could pretend I didn't exist.
So herein lays the crux of the problem. Why didn't I just withdrawal? Why did I continue to subject myself to such pettiness? It seemed like a form of torture. And there were many days that I wondered this myself. At night when I'd lie in bed, with Jordan's warm body pressed against me, I'd think up the grand speeches I would give, announcing my formal withdraw from Chi Delta.
I had it all planned out in my head. I'd tell Olivia and Milla exactly where they could stuff their snotty little noses. I would look at the rest of them and call them a bunch of bitchy hypocrites. But then I'd wake up in the morning and swear to myself that I'd give it just one more day. One more day to see if things would be better. One more day to make things right again.
But as long as Jordan and I were together, that wouldn't happen. And I was torn between this fantastic new love I had found and my longing to return to the fold. The need to belong was strong in me and hard to quash. I knew in my psychobabble way, that this was firmly rooted in me wanting my parent's approval. It had simply morphed into all areas of my life. The constant worry about what other people thought was exhausting and I wished like hell I could just let it go. Riley thought I was an idiot and wasted no time in telling me that on a daily basis. And I understood why she thought that. Hell, most days, I thought that. But I had pride and it burned pretty damn bright.
So I stuck it out. Even as my life seemed to get uglier. Because the rumors were getting crazy. Last week, in my Shakespeare and Chaucer class, we were assigned groups to work on a comparative project between Canterbury Tales and Shakespeare's story telling in his tragedies. I was grouped with two girls, Cyndy and Aimee, who had lived on my floor freshman year and a guy named Charlie, who was a year below us. I knew their names, but knew nothing else about them. They weren't people I saw out and about in my normal, everyday routine.
But they knew me. Or knew of me. I saw it instantly when I pulled my desk closer to theirs to begin our work. It was in the curl of Aimee's upper lip when I sat down. It was in the look of barely concealed disdain in Cyndy's eyes before she flicked them back to her book. And fuck if it wasn't there in the openly lascivious look Charlie tossed casually my way.
“Hey, Maysie,” Aimee had said. And the way she said my name made me feel like I had some sort of disease. She and Cyndy had shared a look and Cyndy covered her mouth to hide a mocking grin.
I had gotten pissed. I was sick to death of this shit. So I had slammed my book shut and looked at each of my group members. “Is there a problem?” I had asked. Charlie had looked startled and gave a mumbled, “no” before looking away. Cyndy and Aimee weren't as embarrassed by their behavior. Both were decent looking girls, but in a bookish kind of way. Definitely not sorority material. No, they were the girls, with their above average IQs, who looked down their noses and acted like anyone in the Greek system were barely functioning morons.
“Yeah, I guess there is a problem,” Cyndy began and I gave her my best bitchy look of indifference.
“Oh, yeah?” I asked, trying really hard to act like I didn't give a crap about their opinions when deep down I was dying. Aimee snickered.
“I mean, can you be counted on to pull your weight or will it be interfering with your 'extracurricular' activities?” The bitch had the nerve to use fucking air quotes.
“I'm sure I can fit you into my busy sorority schedule if that's what you're asking,” I answered snidely. Cyndy's eyes had gone wide in feigned surprise.
“Oh no, that's not what we were referring to.” Huh? The two girls looked at each other again.
“What?” I snapped, losing all patience with this entire conversation.
“We mean your other activities. You know. Your fraternity obligations,” Aimee said and snickered outright. I looked at Charlie who had his mouth hanging open and was staring at me. What the hell?
Charlie sat up straighter. “I'm pledging Kappa Tau. Just so you know.” It seemed really important for him to tell me this. What was going on here? Aimee leaned forward and dropped her voice into a whisper.
“We've heard you're part of the fraternity initiations. I've heard it's called, pass the slut. The guys say you're the best there is.” Her lip curled again and she sniffed as though she smelled something foul.
I felt sick. My hands went clammy and I know my face had gone pale. “What?” I whispered, my voice gone. Charlie was practically fidgeting in his seat.
“We all know about you, Maysie. I hope I get to see you around the house soon. You know we're having a party this weekend. Maybe you could come,” Charlie said eagerly. I looked from Cyndy and Aimee's disgusted expressions to Charlie's hopeful lustful one and I couldn't take it anymore. My snappy comebacks and snarky attitude were all dried up. I had nothing to say in the face of that. The fact that these three people, who I didn't know, had heard these horrible things about me, made me want to head straight for Timbuktu, or somewhere equally cut off from all civilization.
So, I had grabbed my books and my bag and got up. I fled the classroom. Yep, I ran. Like I said before, it's what I do best. I was shaken by the whole thing. I knew people were talking about me. That I was the one labeled the whore because of what went down with Jordan. What I hadn't realized was the way it had grown into something else. Now, not only was I home wrecking bitch, but I was practically a prostitute being passed around by every fraternity on campus.
Where had the story come from? Even as I had thought it, I knew. Milla and Olivia. Where else? But I didn't have proof so there was no sense in confronting them. So I had gone home, waited for Riley and cried on her shoulder. The poor girl's clothes had been drenched in my tears on more than one occasion recently.
And I didn't tell Jordan. I didn't want him to go off on some one-manned vendetta to eradicate all the rumors going around about me. He didn't need the drama. Plus I was embarrassed that people were saying that about me. What if hearing it enough made Jordan think about me differently? Then I felt guilty for even contemplating that.
I wasn't entirely sure if Jordan had heard the rumors. If he had, he never mentioned them.
My mind was strangely full for having woken out of a dead sleep. So I slowly peeled myself away from Jordan, careful not to wake him up and tip toed out of the room. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and headed out onto the balcony.
The air was cool and I wished I had thought to grab a sweater. Propping my feet on the railing, I lit my cigarette and took a deep drag. Everything was silent and I enjoyed the peace. I stared into the trees behind the apartment building. In some ways my life was everything I wanted it to be. I had friends who had my back no matter what. I had a great job. I was doing well in school. And I had a guy who I loved so much it was hard to breathe.
But then there was the flip side to the coin. The nasty ugliness of my reality that made the good stuff hard to remember. Deep down I worried t
hat all of the shit, the horrible rumors, the despicable things people were saying behind my back, and hatefully to my face, would taint what Jordan and I had. What was that saying about if you hear it enough times, you start to believe it as the truth?
It sucked; this insecurity of mine. I had never really suffered from low-self esteem before. I didn't fixate on my flaws, real or imagined. But this whole thing with Olivia and Jordan and been a hard blow. I hated that I had become one of those girls who second guessed herself all the time.
Because no matter how secure I felt in my relationship with Jordan, there was a black stain that threatened to spread over the whole damn thing.
“Hey, what are you doing out here?” I looked up, startled, to see Jordan leaning against the open door. He had thrown on a pair of basketball shorts and a gray t-shirt. He was warm and sleepy and smiling at me.
I lifted my cigarette. “Woke up, couldn't go back to sleep. Go on back to bed, baby. I'll be there in a few.” I thought he'd go back to bed, but instead, he came out and closed the sliding door behind him. He sat down in the other chair and watched me as I finished my smoke.
“That shit'll kill you,” he said good-naturedly, playing the reformed non-smoker. He had quit at the end of the summer and was very proud of himself.
“So will listening to you bitch about it,” I volleyed back.
Jordan smirked and crossed his arms over his chest. “It's cold out here, Mays.”
“Wimp,” I teased, tossing my butt into the ashtray. I didn't move to stand up, enjoying the quiet of the night and the comfort of Jordan's presence. He looked back over at me and I could hear him clicking his tongue ring over his teeth.
“You looked pretty deep in thought out here,” he observed. I shrugged, tucking my feet underneath me.
“Yeah. I guess I have a lot on my mind,” I replied. I could feel my sleepiness kicking in again. Jordan scooted his chair closer to mine and rubbed his pinky along my arm, causing goosebumps to break out over skin.
“Wanna share?” he asked softly. I tilted my head in his direction.
“I don't know. It's a little early in the day to be delving into my crazy head,” I joked, running my fingers along the side of his face. He captured my hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing it gently. He was quiet, not pushing. He was kind of great like that.
“Have you heard the shit people are saying about me, Jordan?” I asked in a hushed whisper. We hadn't really talked about any of this. It was like we tried to keep all of it outside the compact little world we'd created around us. I noticed Jordan tense and it confirmed my earlier suspicions that he was very aware. Aware of all of it.
“Babe, you can't listen to that shit. It'll eat you alive,” he reasoned, gripping my hand tightly in his.
“Easy for you to say, you're not the one they're calling a whore,” I said lightly, trying not to sound as pissed about that as I really was. It was unfair the way I got all of the blame. How easy it was to judge the girl and forget that the guy in the scenario was even involved. Not that I'd ever want people to say about Jordan the malicious crap circulating about me. But still.
Jordan gripped my chin and turned me to face him. “None of this is your fault. If anyone should be called a fucking whore, it should be me. I chased you, pursued you, when I was with someone else. It pisses me off the way people can fucking judge you when they know nothing about what really happened.” His eyes flashed with his anger.
I leaned in and kissed his mouth, loving the way his lips fit perfectly against mine. “Stop it, Jordan. I'm glad you chased me. I've never been so glad to be caught in my entire life,” I murmured as his hands came up to tangle in my hair.
“I hate seeing you upset, Maysie. It guts me. If I thought it would help, I'd beat the shit out of every single one of those assholes,” he told me, his eyes closed as he rested his forehead against mine.
“Do you ever worry that all of that stuff, that the ugliness will make what we have ugly too?” I asked quietly. I hated to ask it but it's what had been bothering me. It was so easy to say that none of it mattered, that it was me and him against the world. But the truth was, those outside things could mess with the precarious happiness we had built together.
Jordan's hand gripped the back of my neck and he pulled me in close, his lips coming down hard against mine. I gasped at his forcefulness at the same time my body began to react to his passionate assault. He broke away from the intensity of his kiss and his eyes burned into mine. “Don't ever say that, Mays! What we have is too important to be ruined by petty bullshit. So take that crap out of your head right now!” he growled, pulling me into his lap so that I was straddling him. His arms came around me and held me tight against his chest.
He kissed the bottom of my chin and then put his lips to the hollow of my throat. His mouth stayed there, feeling the heart beat through my skin. “I wish I didn't care. That I could just let it slide off my back. But, Jordan. It bothers me...a lot. And I don't know what to do with that,” I admitted. Jordan's hands began to gently rub my back.
“Does it change how you feel about me?” he asked me softly. I looked down at him and his eyes gazed back at me. I could see that the thought worried him. He was genuinely scared that I was having second thoughts about us.
I cupped his face in my hands and pulled him close so that our lips brushed against each other. “Never.” I whispered. Jordan closed his eyes and let out a small sigh of relief.
“Then try to forget the rest. We have each other and, baby, and that's everything.” He kissed me again and I felt myself melt into him. He was right. What we had was everything.
“Let's go back to bed, I'm freaking freezing,” Jordan said, pressing his cold nose to the side of my neck. I squealed and tried to pull away. Instead of letting me go, Jordan lifted both of us up, carrying me inside. He walked us back to my bedroom, kissing me the entire time. And then he made me forget everything. My worries. My fears. My insecurities. They all disappeared as he showed me how much I mattered.
~~~
“Do you mind if we swing by my house? I left my biology book there.” Jordan asked as we were leaving my apartment the next morning. We had made a point to spend a minimal amount of time at the house he shared with his Pi Sig brothers. After the crap with Gio a few weeks ago, it seemed like the smart thing to do. But I felt bad that Jordan was avoiding his friends because of me. So I sucked up my discomfort and nodded.
“Sure,” I said as he took my hand in his.
“It'll be quick. I promise,” he assured as we got into his truck.
“It's cool. We can't avoid people forever, Jordan,” I told him, turning down the stereo as ACDC screamed through the speakers.
“Why not? Everyone else sucks,” he joked. I rolled my eyes but grinned.
“That's right. There's only you and me, babe,” I replied, blowing him a kiss.
His eyes stared at me warmly. “That's right. You and me.” The way he said it made my insides all gooey. A few minutes later we were pulling into the driveway at his house. He held my hand as we went through the door. A few of the guys were in the living room and called out their greetings. They didn't stare at me the way they had that first time I had come there with Jordan, but they were still anything but welcoming.
We went up the stairs and started down the hallway toward Jordan's bedroom. Suddenly a door to the left opened up and a barely clothed Olivia came out. Her hair was rumpled like she had just woken up and her lips were red and swollen as though she had just been thoroughly kissed. She wore a guy's button up shirt and it fell to the tops of her thighs.
She stopped short when she saw us. Then her mouth lifted in a mean smirk. “Hey guys,” she said with a bitter edge to her voice.
I felt Jordan tense beside me. “Hey Liv,” he responded and I just nodded. Then Gio came up behind her, slithering an arm around her waist and kissing the side of her neck.
Gio was only wearing a pair of shorts, his chest bare. His hair was rumpled and it wa
s very obvious what they had done the night before. And probably that morning. I looked up at Jordan and he was watching them, his jaw hard. My insides froze a bit at his expression. Obviously this bothered him.
Gio looked up from slobbering all over Olivia's neck and grinned. “Hi Jordan,” he said. He didn't acknowledge me, which was just fine. The smile on his face was brittle and challenging. I knew he loved the fact that Jordan was seeing the two of them together. My eyes flicked to Olivia and I could see she loved it too. What a sad pair.
“Didn't expect to see you.” Olivia giggled, rubbing against Gio whose hands had started to slide up her front. I averted my eyes. This was becoming downright pornographic. Jordan pulled on my hand.
“Well, don't let us interrupt. See you later,” Jordan said shortly. I followed my boyfriend down the hallway, with the sound of his ex-girlfriend's laughter floating behind us.
“Yeah, see ya later!” she called after us and then I heard Gio's door slam shut.
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