“Nope,” I say, sidestepping him.
“Nope?” He repeats, eyes widening. “Hey, I know you.”
“No, you don’t,” I say, scrambling for my senses.
He stops me with a hand on my arm. “And now I know you remember me.”
“Wrong again. Haven’t been spelunking lately.”
“I’ve been thinking about you.”
“You should stop that.”
He chuckles. “Who are you here with?”
“A date.”
“Tired of him yet?”
“It’s a she for the moment.” FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL, GINA!
“Even better.”
I lift my nose in an attempt to keep my glasses from sliding off as he lifts a gloved finger to help me, slowly pushing them back in place. In thanks, I give him the hairy eyeball. “Of course, you would say that.”
“I just meant, I’m glad it’s not a guy.”
“Well, I’m here with one of those too.”
Take that, Gina!
“At least let me get your number.”
I scour his costume, it’s incredible. No man has ever looked better in thick gray tights. The bulge between those two muscular thighs is enough to make my mouth water. The Lort is testing me in a big, big, bat way.
I look up to the sky. “Why? I’ve been so good. I’ve been going to church. I only showed up tipsy that one time.”
A deep chuckle sounds out, drawing my attention back to my nemesis.
“Maybe it’s His intention we get together.”
“Don’t use the Lort as an excuse for your agenda.”
“I would love to take you out.”
“Yeah,” I say, lifting a beer and draining half of it, eyebrow cocked before I let out a harsh exhale. “And show me a good time?”
“Exactly.”
“Best fifteen minutes of my life?”
“Ah,” he says, his bat cape catching in the wind as he extends to his full height, chest out, voice gravelly when he speaks. “I have a much better hang time than that, I promise. But I was thinking of something more along the lines of dinner and a movie. A proper date.”
Gina bursts to the front of the line, waving a white flag.
“You don’t want to buy me dinner.”
“Well, I can see by your costume you’re more into old man river or some shit, but maybe I can try and remedy that.”
“I’ve dated quite a few of you, and I promise you I’m not bat-ting a thousand. Pun intended.”
“Cute. But I really would like to take you out.”
I summon my inner Madea. “Look, boy, the only number you’re about to need is Nine. Onet. Onet. You got dat? I know it’s hard to comprehend.”
He chuckles. “Are you Madea?”
Why Lort? Why must he be the only one to get it?
He leans in, the smell of his cologne magnifying my loss of brain cells.
Danger. Danger. Danger.
“That wig and those glasses can’t disguise how beautiful you are.”
I jerk back. “Flattery will get me pregnant. I’m seventy years old. Do you really want that? I’m well past the men-da-pause.”
He throws his head back with a laugh. “Come on, beautiful, just give me your name.”
“Ma to the damn d-e-a. Madearrrr and I don’t date batmens no mo, you heard me?”
He towers over me, his masculinity blinding. It’s all I can do to keep from clutching my pearls when he speaks again, his voice low. “Silky dark hair, legs for days, shiny perfect kissable lips, I remember you well, Ms. Nope.”
“That’s right, it’s Ms. Nope, as in no-pe-nis.” Thick lips and a blinding smile render me speechless as he shakes his Bat head. “Now, run off to ya cave and leave an old woman alone.”
“Just one date?”
“Lort no, I’ve outgrown you! Now I really mus-be going.”
“You’re breaking my heart.”
“There you are,” Lindsey says scouring Batman from head to foot, her eyes widening a little when they meet mine. “And I can see what’s keeping you.” I thrust the beer her way to shut her up, and it sloshes over my hand before she takes it.
“Mr. Dark Knight was just on his way to fight some injustices.”
“The only injustice here is you not giving me a chance to take you out.”
I’ve reached my limit. “Take your cave dwelling firm ass on!”
He lets out a long breath and leans in again as I stand on shaky legs. “I’m not giving up. I’m going to find you.”
“Good luck with that, I’m no longer on your radar.”
“Just a matter of time,” he says through Batman lips that have Lindsey swooning next to me.
I grip Lindsey by the arm and drag her dickmatized ass away as I give him parting words over my shoulder. “Yeah, well if you see my porch light on, it’s not the signal, it’s my new bat zapper. Fair warning.”
He shakes his head through a throaty and ridiculously sexy laugh as I chug what’s left in my cup.
“Good God, I love Zach, but that was one hot ass Batman.”
“Trust me, that was a neon ‘stay the hell away’ sign as far as I’m concerned.”
“I doubt he’s hard-pressed to find company looking like that, but why in the world would you turn him down?”
I drain the rest of my beer. “Because tonight, I’m the one with super-human strength. And I told you I’m on the wagon.”
“Whew,” she says, fanning her face, “good for you, but can you imagine the role play with that one?”
“My va-gina has, my friend,” I say, turning back in his direction to see he’s still watching me. A slow grin spreads over his mouth when I’m busted displaying clear remorse.
“Your who?”
“No one, Lort, girl, help me get out of chere.”
She giggles, grabbing me by the arm to lead me away and then stops turning back to me, her face lightening up with recognition. “Oh, I get it now, you’re Betty White!”
When we find our boys, I slow my walk when I see Theo talking to a brunette who seems comfortable with him as Lindsey sidles up with Zach and greets him with a kiss.
“That robe is doing weird shit to me,” Zach murmurs into her hair, and she laughs. The girl chatting Theo up places a hand on his chest as I stand awkwardly to the side of him. After a few uncomfortable minutes, I move to pace the party but am stopped by his hand tugging on my muumuu, pulling me back toward him. Dark brown eyes briefly meet mine.
He’s asking me to stay. So, I do.
We both leave the party solo a while later, shivering before he cranks up the heat in the cabin. The drive home is filled with an odd silence which, of course, I’m forced to break.
“So, who was that girl?”
“One of the girls I’ve made breakfast for.”
“Huh?”
“When my roommates have a sleepover, I usually end up making the girls breakfast.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. I guess I feel bad for them.”
“They aren’t victims, you know?”
“I know, but I can’t help but think they deserve better.”
“They do, but they have to figure it out for themselves. And she was looking at you like she wanted a repeat, but not with your roommate.”
“That’s not my style,” he says passively.
“I know.”
“I just remember how hard my sisters took it when they got their hearts smashed. I don’t want to be the guy who does that to any woman, you know?”
“You really are a good egg, Theo. Stay that way.”
“I’ll try.”
More silence.
“Well, you’ll be proud to know I was tempted tonight by the devil himself and passed with flying colors.”
“Oh yeah?” he says, keeping his eyes on the road.
“Yes. And I Kung Fu’d that shit like a boss.”
“Proud of you,” he says, pulling up to my house.
“Okay, what giv
es?”
He wrinkles his nose. “Ghost pains. I guess.”
“Your ex?”
“Kind of.”
“Explain, or I’m not getting out of this Honda.”
“Nora and I used to hang out with Zach and Lindsey a lot.”
“Those two are hard to watch if you bone alone.”
He tilts his head back on his headrest and his chest pumps with a chuckle.
“That’s better. So, what exactly is a ghost pain? You miss her?”
“No, I don’t miss her like that,” his voice is low, and I can see he’s somewhere in his past. “I guess a ghost pain is remembering the future you once thought you’d have.” He clears his throat. “It’s nothing. I’m an idiot.”
I draw his face toward me with my palm on his cheek. “You, my friend, are a lot of things, and a smart ass at times, but not an idiot. And I hope like hell for ghost pains one day. It’ll mean I’ve loved someone hard and finally done some good living.” Slowly I lean in and press a kiss to his cheek.
“Night, Theo.”
“Night, Laney.”
#heroparty #notmrsdoubtfire #matothedamndea #newbestfriends #heworeaskirt #butlookatthoselegs #livingourrealestlife
Theo: How are you feeling?
Laney: Like I want to peel my skin off. Mom is making me wear oven mitts when she’s home. How in the hell did I contract chicken pox at twenty-one?
Theo: It could be worse. It could’ve come in as shingles. Those are supposed to be a lot more painful.
Laney: How do you know?
Theo: I looked it up.
Laney: She finally left for work, and I can’t stop scratching. I’ll give you everything in my savings to come and get at my back with a rake.
Theo: No can do. What did you do today?
Laney: Glued a great pyramid of Doritos for worship.
Laney sent an image
Theo: That’s pretty impressive.
Laney: Had to do something with my hands. And it’s gotten two thousand likes.
Theo: That many?
Laney: Do you ever check the damned page? We have almost nine thousand followers.
Theo: WTF!
Laney: Yep. Ever since the Ghostin’ the Whip post we’ve gained momentum.
Pause…
Theo: I think I see why.
Laney: Why?
Theo: I’m just going to table this discussion for now.
Laney: Whatever. (eye roll emoji) I know I have abundant cleavage.
Theo: What are you doing right now?
Laney: Binge watching this old reality show called Rock of Love.
Theo: What’s it about?
Laney: This old lead singer from an eighties hair band called Poison and the twenty women competing for his, ahem, heart. Ironically, I’ve been trying to figure out all day if he’s wearing a wig.
Theo: Why don’t you just Google and find out?
Laney: Because it’s a train wreck and far more entertaining to guess.
Theo: How long are you contagious?
Laney: A few more days. Have you had chicken pox yet?
Theo: My mom hasn’t texted back yet to let me know. Sorry. I have a game coming up, and I don’t want to chance it.
Laney: Shit, I guess this cheese will have to itch alone.
Theo: And on Halloween (sad emoji)
Laney: I know. SUCKS! I can’t watch scary movies alone in this house, I’ll be terrified, and Max will have nightmares. No candy corn for me either. #livingmysuckiestlife
Theo: Sorry. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll watch with you.
Laney: You don’t have to.
Theo: QT. What episode?
Laney: Start on one. I’ll re-watch.
Five minutes later…
Theo: Definitely a wig.
Laney: I know. Poor guy. Can you imagine being known as the leader of a hair band and losing all your hair? Ouch life, ouch.
Ten minutes later…
Theo: These women are idiots.
Laney: Some of them, yes. Some were doing it to further their careers.
Theo: As what?
Laney: TV personalities. Plus, this is the result of pure marketing genius. Watch how they spin nothing into something. How they pause for effect. I might have a midlife rocker to PR for one day. This is good research.
Theo: You want me to believe we’re watching this shit to better your education?
Laney: Work with me.
Twenty minutes later…
Theo: I feel less intelligent for watching this.
Laney: But you can’t look away, admit it! It’s the spin they put on things I tell you. And Brett is the perfect ringleader. He plays the peacekeeper, but he’s the antagonist.
Theo: Why, oh why are they crying over him? They’ve only known him for a few days, and he’s in drag.
Laney: I think he’s sort of cute.
Theo: Check your temp.
Laney: I’m serious, he’s got pretty eyes.
Theo: He’s wearing eyeliner. I demand we find something else to watch.
Laney: It’s called guyliner. Fine, you pick something.
Theo: Ancient Aliens.
Laney: Oh, hell no, you criticize me for my show, but have you seen the hair on some of those ancient astronaut theorists?
Theo: At least some of it’s logical.
Laney: It’s mostly bullshit.
Theo: Fine, onto episode two.
Laney: I knew it, you’re hooked!
Theo: QT Episode two
Thirty minutes later…
Theo: Jesus, they aren’t even captioning the French girl correctly. They’re spelling it the way she’s talking. Z car. Really?
Laney: Only you would be worried about that, instead of commenting on her huge French tits.
Theo: I highly doubt they are French.
Laney: Not your type?
Theo: My dick shrank when I saw her come out nipples blazing. No Class.
Laney: What’s your type? Let me guess, Daphne from Scooby Doo?
Theo: Why do I talk to you?
Laney: Because I’m entertaining.
Theo: Ha. ^^^ it’s the first G you’ve ever used. I still read it as entertainin’.
Laney: You’re an ass.
Theo: I swear I heard you say that.
Laney: That’s cause I’m behind you.
Pause…
Laney: Made you look.
Theo: Wouldn’t put it past you.
Laney: I look horrible. I will spare you.
Theo: Bet it’s not that bad.
Laney sent a photo
Theo: I’m not going to lie. It’s bad. What are those pink splotches?
Laney: Supposed to help the itch. It’s not.
Theo: Poor baby.
Laney: Bet that’s not your type.
Pause…
Laney: I was just messing with you.
Theo: I think you’re beautiful.
Pause…
Theo: You there?
Laney: Yeah. I was wiping my tears away. You hit me when I was vulnerable. I feel so bad, and I guess that just got me a little emotional. This really hurts. Like bad, like oww.
Theo: I’m sorry you’re hurting.
Laney: Just a few more days, right?
Theo: Right.
Theo: You are, you know. Truly beautiful. I mean that.
Laney: Stop, you’re going to make me cry and itch.
Theo: Sorry.
Laney: No, you’re awesome. Really, thank you. I needed to hear that.
Theo: Anytime. So, more Rock of Love?
Laney: You don’t have to.
Theo: I want to.
Laney: You’re the best ever. Episode three?
Theo: On it.
Laney: Happy Halloween, Houseman. (pumpkin emoji)
Theo: Happy Halloween, Laney. (candy corn emoji)
Laney: Aww, you got me candy corn.
#chickenpoxingit #itchin #freddiekruegeraintgotshitonme #snackstax #doritosarelife #
notreatsforme #thishouseisaprison #livingmyrealestlife
Grannism—They say a kiss is worth a thousand words, I say hand-holdin’ is where it’s at.
Laney
Two days later, I’m sitting in bed brushing my hair after my second shower when my phone lights up with Theo requesting FaceTime.
Screw it. He’s already seen the damage.
I swipe and answer. “Hey, how was the game?” I ask to the face of a guy I don’t know. “Oh my God,” I drop my phone in my lap and cover my face with both hands. “Who are you?”
“Rest easy, doll, we’ve been warned.”
I peek through my fingers down at the screen. “Uh huh. Hi. Who are you? And where’s Theo?”
“I’m Pete,” he grins, and I can’t help but notice he’s adorable even with a crooked front tooth, messy brown hair, and light blue eyes. He nods over his shoulder. “He’s back here. He asked me to call you.”
“Oh? What for?”
Mischief shines in his eyes. “I’m in charge of the get well card.”
Confused, I lean in. “The what?”
In the background, I hear. “Dude, get off my nuts, you’re standing too close.”
“It’s a bus, asshole, everyone’s too close.”
“Are we doing this or what?”
“You better not be recording this shit, Pete.”
Theo’s voice sounds up next. “Would you guys shut the hell up?”
“Sit down back there!” I hear, who I assume is the bus driver, call out.
“Damn, Schmitty’s already bitching. Hurry up!”
Pete smiles crookedly as D12’s “My Band” starts to play, and a huddled group of Rangers comes into view with Theo standing front and center. The only other person I recognize is Zach, and I wave to him enthusiastically as they begin their routine. I’m already laughing when they start rapping animatedly, piled on top of each other, some in the aisle of the bus and some hanging over the back of the seats.
“This is epic!” I shout, knowing they can’t hear me. The phone pans on Theo who does a sly shoulder brush, rapping along with Eminem verbatim before they all take turns with their verses, stealing the camera and pushing each other out of the way for attention. It’s hilarious and warms my heart. I’m grinning from ear to ear, watching as they clamor for the camera before Pete turns it on himself to mouth his own verse. It’s well-orchestrated, and I’m highly impressed. When the song is over, the guys pop up on screen one by one with well wishes.
The Underdogs: The Complete Series Page 11