by Tavis Smiley
The day came when I could no longer physically lift or hold up my mother. My pastor had encouraged me for a long time to put my mother in a nursing home. He could see the toll it was taking on me and the injuries I was getting as a result. I wasn’t getting much rest; many nights Mother would keep me up all night long. The days would fold into the nights and the nights back into the days. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Had it not been for the Lord, there was no way I could have made it as long as I did.
My pastor continued to encourage me to take that necessary step. I talked to my children about it, and they also said that I needed to put Mother in a nursing home. Finally I reached the point where taking care of my mother was more than I was able to handle. I talked to Mother about it, and she seemed to be in agreement. My original plan was to place her somewhere only for physical therapy and rehabilitation and to have someone help her start walking again. The therapists assured me that when they got Mother back to where she could walk again, I could bring her back home.
When my mother entered the nursing home, she did receive rehabilitation. But, to my disappointment, she fell again while she was there. I don’t know exactly what happened, because by that time she had started walking again. From that point on the rehabilitation was no longer successful in helping her to walk, and eventually the state discontinued funding for her rehabilitation. She wasn’t making enough progress to justify keeping her in the program. This meant that if I was going to bring Mother home, it would be in the same condition in which she’d entered the nursing home in the first place—unable to walk. I couldn’t take care of my mother the way I had before she went into the nursing home. So I made the decision to keep her there.
I went to visit Mother every day, and sometimes I visited her twice a day. I would comb her hair and take her to use the rest room. If her bed was in need of changing, I would change it. And I would wash her and bathe her as well, taking care of her just as if she were still in my home with me. I would take her riding around town. On holidays and birthdays, I would bring her home and keep her overnight. I don’t think there was a day that went by where my mother didn’t have a visit from me or someone else, except for one—the day we had a blizzard and I couldn’t drive to the nursing home.
I felt bad about Mother having to be in the nursing home, because I felt I had gone back on my promise. But God helped me to recognize that even though I had made a commitment to my mother when I was a teenager, we cannot commit to certain things that are beyond our control. In my heart, I wish that nobody ever had to put family members in a nursing home, because of the treatment they sometimes receive there.
There was a nurse in my mother’s nursing home who had a reputation for being mean and having an attitude. One day my mother told me that the nurse had slapped her. I talked to the nurse, and because I am a Christian, I told her that I was not going to report her but that I was going to forgive her, pray for her, and ask God to have mercy on her soul. The nurse continued to mistreat the elderly in the nursing home and was eventually fired.
I often wondered what would happen to Mother if she woke up in the middle of the night and required assistance. Would she get it? One of the things I think kept the nurses in check in my case was the fact that they knew that I was coming to visit my mother on a daily basis. Therefore they had to provide her with reasonably good care in order to not have to answer to me.
My mother did get upset with me because I had put her in the nursing home, even though at first she had given her okay to do it. I realized that she would have much preferred to have been at home. She never came out and said, “Joyce, I know you said you would not put me in a nursing home, and I feel that you’ve done everything you could to avoid it. I understand why you had to do it, and I appreciate all you’ve done for me.” Nonetheless, I feel that in her heart, she didn’t hold it against me. My mother had a very powerful voice; when she would see me coming down the hall, she would start screaming, “Here comes my baby, here comes my baby.” She was always so glad to see me, and I would kiss her and tell her how much I loved her. And then I would go to work taking care of her. Just hearing her say those words—“Here comes my baby”—meant so much to me.
In the back of my mother’s mind, I believe her real fear was that if I ever had to put her in a nursing home, she would end up like so many loved ones—abandoned. But I really loved my mother and was committed to her; I believe she appreciated the fact that even though I had to put her there, I didn’t forsake her. I took care of her as if she were still living in my home. And I believe Mama appreciated me for that, too.
The day that Mama died, I was in denial. Her mind stayed sharp as a tack to the end. I asked her grandchildren to assemble at the nursing home in her room. She was lying there with her eyes closed, and I said to her, “Mother, open up your eyes. Your grandchildren are here, and each one of them wants to say something to you.” She opened her eyes, and each grandchild, one by one, whispered whatever they wanted to say in her ear. When the last one was finished, Mother closed her eyes and never opened them again. A few hours later she went on to meet the Lord.
After my mother passed, the undertaker went to pick up her body from the nursing home. I didn’t know the undertaker and he didn’t know me. But he came to my home the next day to help me make arrangements for Mother’s funeral. While we were talking, he said to me, “Your mother must have had somebody take excellent care of her and watch over her; out of all the people that I’ve picked up in a nursing home, no one has ever had skin as beautiful as your mother’s.” Other people have complimented me on the sacrifices I had made in taking care of my mother when her health was down. But the undertaker’s comment was the one that stood out best in my mind. He didn’t know me, and he didn’t know that I had taken care of my mother. I feel that God used that undertaker to bring a sense of peace and calm to my mind.
My mother gave everything she could for her children, and worked hard to help us and take care of us. When our parents have given everything they can give to us, we ought to be willing to give back to them, to let them know this: “We love you just like you loved us, and we will sacrifice for you in this period of your life like you sacrificed for us.”
BIOGRAPHIES
Born in Crowley, Louisiana, in 1962 as the twelfth child of Alice and Warren Andrus, Tracy Andrus earned his bachelor’s degree in criminal justice from Louisiana College in Pineville in 2000. He went on to earn his master’s degree in criminal justice in 2001 from the University of Louisiana at Monroe. He has been married for nineteen years to Patricia Andrus, has two sons, Desmond and Tracy Jr., and is an ordained Baptist minister.
Virginia D. Banks-Bright, M.D. grew up in Raleigh, North Carolina, where she was very active in civil rights. Since high school, she has relocated and is now an infectious-disease specialist.
Celeste Bateman is a freelance writer and public relations and events management consultant living and working in New Jersey. Ms. Bateman received her B.A. in theater arts and speech from Rutgers University and holds a master’s degree in communication arts from Montclair State University. She is married to Carter Mangan Sr. and has two sons, actor Jamil Mangan and Carter Mangan Jr., and a stepdaughter, Fateisha Tullis-Mariano.
Sandra R. Bell is currently employed as a business resource specialist for the Center for Trade and Technology Transfer at Georgia State University in Atlanta. She studied journalism at Oberlin College and the Columbia School of Journalism and is a frequent contributor to the Atlanta Tribune and Black Enterprise.
Gilda Mack Benton was born January 31, 1968. She attended the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, and Central Piedmont Community College in Charlotte, North Carolina. She is currently an information technology specialist with Wachovia Corporation in Charlotte, is married, and has one son.
Sharon Blessman is presently working as a registered nurse case manager for a major health system. She is the divorced mother of one and is currently pursuing a master’s degree in informati
on systems.
Bennis Blue was born and reared in North Carolina. She earned her master’s degree in business management and English as well as her Ph.D. in English from Ohio State University. Bennis served in the U.S. Army for sixteen years as a quartermaster officer and commanded a quartermaster unit in Germany in 1986. In 1978, she served as the first woman paratrooper assigned to the Eighty-second Airborne Division at Fort Bragg, North Carolina. She is the proud mother of a son, Marcus Townes.
Denise Bride-Frazier lives in New York City. She survived both attacks on the World Trade Center, and her story tells of the experiences as she recalled them.
Keisha Brown lives in Flourtown, Pennsylvania. She and her husband, Sherrod Brown, Jr., have three children, Sherrod III, Kaylah, and Sage. Currently Keisha is pursuing her master’s degree in journalism. God blessed her and her husband by sparing the life of their six-year-old, Sherrod III, from cancer.
Ken Brown graduated from Southern Illinois University in Carbondale with a B.S. in food and nutrition. He worked his way up the ranks in the food service industry with companies such as Marriott, Wendy’s, Tyson Foods, and Kraft Foods. Today he is the owner of two McDonald’s restaurants in Michigan.
Juliette Catledge is a fifty-eight-year-old single mother who raised three sons, Michael and Gregory Catledge and James Bell Jr. She holds a B.S. degree in mathematics and a master of social sciences (public administration) from Florida A&M University. Presently she works as a senior programmer analyst for Computer Horizons Corp.
The author, Michael, left the family with a legacy of seven books that were written, but none were ever published. He was an avid reader and historian and spent many a day researching his roots while feeling a great sense of family love. He completed three years at FAMU in architecture but left to help raise his brothers. He returned to school briefly to study journalism. We miss him dearly.
Sonia Clark is a native of Brooklyn, New York. Currently she resides in west Georgia with her two children. She is scheduled to attend Georgia State University in the fall of 2002 as a film and video major.
Torian Colon is an elementary school teacher in Houston, Texas. Her hobbies include exercising, writing, and spending time with her family.
Benjamin A. Dashiell earned a B.S. degree in business administration from Delaware State University. He lives in District Heights, Maryland, and works for the Department of Defense. He and his wife, Sheila, have two children, Benjamin II and Andrea.
Kathy Davis has been writing poetry and short stories for more than twenty-five years. Currently she resides in Round Rock, Texas, with her family.
Sandra J. Easterling lives in Allentown, Pennsylvania. She is the proud mother of three sons.
LaTorial Faison is a native of Virginia and holds degrees in English from the University of Virginia and Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University. Faison currently works as an English instructor for a college in central Texas, where she resides with her husband and their two sons. She is the founding editor of PoeticallySpeaking.net, a globally read poetry site on the World Wide Web.
Cherryl Floyd-Miller is a North Carolina native and has published poetry and fiction in numerous literary journals and magazines, including Essence. She is currently finishing a novel and lives in Atlanta.
K. M. Ford grew up in rural Gladys, Virginia. She is a 1990 graduate of the University of Virginia (CLAS), Charlottesville, Virginia. She is employed in risk management by a leading financial services company and is married with two children.
Sharon Ewell Foster writes gospel novels. Her first best-selling novel, Passing by Samaria (Multnomah Publishing), earned the Christy Award, the highest recognition for Christian fiction. Her second novel, Ain’t No River, earned the Golden Pen Award for Christian fiction and a place on the Essence Best Sellers List and is a finalist for the Christy Award. Her most recent release, Riding Through Shadows, is a story about prayer, faith, joy, and the spiritual warfare that begins in us, in our homes, and in our everyday lives; it is already in its third printing. A single mother of two and a former Defense Department employee, Sharon makes her home in Maryland.
Nikitta A. Foston is a freelance writer who has contributed to Honey, Upscale, and BlackVoices.com. She is also a contributing editor at N’Digo in Chicago and is completing her second novel. She is the proud mother of one daughter, Kennedy.
Norma Gaines-Hanks, Ed.D., as born and raised in Wilmington, Delaware. She received her B.S. in sociology from the University of Delaware, her M.S. in human behavior and development from Drexel University, and her Ed.D. in educational leadership and policy from the University of Delaware. Currently she is an assistant professor and coordinator of undergraduate programs in the Department of Individual and Family Studies at the University of Delaware.
R. Lee Gamble is a full-time freelance writer with over nine years’ experience writing for various newspapers in northeast Ohio, including the Call & Post, Ashtabula Star Beacon, and News Herald. She resides in Cleveland Heights, Ohio, with her husband and three daughters.
Cynthia Gary is health educator and program director for a nonprofit organization in North Carolina. She has a master’s degree in public health and currently resides in Garner, North Carolina. In her spare time, Cynthia enjoys writing stage plays and screenplays, choreography, dancing, and community service.
Star of The Color Purple, the Lethal Weapon series and Beloved, Danny Glover received an NAACP Image Award for his performance in HBO’s Mandela. He was executive producer of HBO’s American Dream, and TNT’s Buffalo Soldier and Freedom Song. He has been the Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations Development Program and a supporter of the Algebra Project and TransAfrica Forum, an African American organization lobbying for Africa and the Caribbean.
Sheila J. Grant was born and raised on the south side of Chicago. She is a graduate of Northern Illinois University and is currently director of training for a social service agency in Arlington Heights, Illinois.
Edith Ross Gray was born in Chicago, Illinois, and currently resides in Stone Mountain, Georgia. She is the mother of three children, Jonathan Wallace, Julius Wallace, and Jeannie Wallace.
Germaine Sibley Gordon is an accomplished dancer, dance teacher, movement specialist, and writer. She is currently writing her first inspirational book, which includes the story presented in this volume.
Tamela Handie-Tilford is currently employed as an internal auditor for the City of Kansas City, Missouri. She enjoys writing fiction and hopes to publish her first piece in the near future.
Dawne J. Harris is an assistant in ministry at Rewarding Faith Church in Detroit, where her father is the pastor. She enjoys hosting conferences annually for Christian singles and is currently working on her first book.
Beverly Joan Hughley graduated from Florida International University with a degree in public administration. She currently resides in Hollywood, Florida, with her son, Quentin, and niece, Kristen.
Ky’a Jackson is a graduate of Cheyney University and resides in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. While she is currently employed for a public relations firm, she is also president of Influential Images, a home-based desktop publishing business. She gives back to her community by teaching computer classes for the Center for Literacy in Philadelphia and by tutoring adults in reading.
Lamont Jackson was raised in South Bend, Indiana, and currently resides in Orlando, Florida. He received a B.S. in public finance from Indiana University and an M.B.A. from the University of Illinois. Lamont is a licensed mortgage broker and a principal in JMS Investment Partners.
Dale S. Johnson has been writing for more than thirty years. Currently he resides in Lithonia, Georgia.
Erica Johnson is a Brooklyn native. She graduated from Marymount College, Tarrytown, with a B.S. in business administration. Currently she is employed as a software training consultant for the New York City Board of Education. She is also working on her first novel and is expecting her first child in August 2002.
Rayetta Johnson i
s a twenty-five-year-old English teacher in the New Orleans public school system. Currently, she is pursuing a master’s degree in educational administration at Xavier University.
Rhonda Y. C. Johnson was raised in the city of Philadelphia and currently resides in Ashburn, Virginia. She is humble, carefree, and nurturing and is thankful to God for her successful journey thus far.
Donna M. Johnson-Thomas is a fifty-six-year-old widowed mother of three adult children. Presently, she works as an administrative secretary in the human resources department for the court system in Detroit, Michigan.
Marsha Kelley-Sutton is currently the recruitment/program coordinator for minority programs at the University of Alabama School of Medicine in Birmingham, Alabama. She is the mother of twelve-year-old Taylor Danielle Sutton.
Carmen Lashley has a B.S. in health systems management from the University of Baltimore and is a federal employee for the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services. She is the CEO of Siedon Publications and has two children, Sierra and Donovan Myers, who have become successful authors writing material targeted for teenage audiences.
Ronald R. Lawson is currently the director of the Northeast Region for the Joint Agencies’ Trust, a non-profit trust fund. Prior to his Dinkins’ campaign experience, he worked for fourteen years in financial services for several Wall Street firms. He and his wife, Nina, have been married for eight years, and have one daughter, Bailey Wynn.